Judgement Calls

Being a palace guard is all about making judgement calls.

There's all the usual ones any solider has to deal with, judging the wind when aiming a bow, judging the heft of a sword as you swing it.

But you have to judge what you see younger members of the court doing, if what they indulge in is something to note or if it doesn't happen.

How far do you push the kitchenhand, how many sips can you steal, how many angry peasants are enough to switch sides and join the rebellion?

Important one for us civilians, that last one.

Dying On Your Birthday

The old man lived in the hills, away from everyone else. The postman assumed he didn't like people.

As he walked up the winding path, parcel in his hands, he tried to remember a year previously, as the parcel covered in 'Happy Birthday' stickers. He hadn't known it was the old man's birthday.

But it was also his death day, as he was lying dead when the postman arrived.

The postman decided he'd try and help out. He'd open the gift, write a letter back, report the death later on. Dying on your birthday...

The parcel was a bomb though.

Trick Card Monty

"Follow the queen, get the green!"

The call would go out every few minutes, over the noise of the marketplace. Another sucker would wander over and lose their money. I would shake my head, but never try to stop them. People gotta make their own choices.

But then one day, the sucker didn't leave after losing, instead they stayed and won, again and again. They just seemed to know where the right card was, again and again.

Once they managed to clear out the dealer I asked them the secret to working out the trick.

"What trick?" they asked me.

Cliff Edge Explanation

A slightly different set of chemicals in the primordial soup that started us off.

The asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs hitting slightly harder and wiping out a lot more life.

One of the successful empires being a bit more successful and then taking everyone down with them.

A virus being slightly more resistant to the level of medical knowledge we had relative to the time.

Certain scientists cracking certain weapons earlier.

Any number of judgement calls involving nukes.

Humanity has been so close to death so many times over the years.

You honestly think everyone else is equally lucky?

The Queen And The Chosen One

The Chosen One returned to the palace after he'd  defeated the Dragon, a crowd of the citizens following behind him cheering his name.

When he walked into the throne room, he was already licking his lips, awaiting his reward. The Queen gave a short speech to him, thanking him for his service, and then rewarded him a pile of gold.

He pointed out that she'd implied a much more personal and valuable prize before he left.

She pointed out she'd never actually promised anything, and that she had a hundred men outside.

He managed to take down fifty-six of them.

Sally And Suzi

Sally and Suzi were born within an hour of each other, on separate floors of the same hospital. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi spent three years worth of teenage Saturday mornings in the same building, on separate floors in different sports. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi spent four years at the same university, in different degrees. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi met at a party and fell instantly in love. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Negotiations With It

The call went out for a volunteer. For someone in the camp to go out and try to reason with it. The few remaining wisewomen had worked out how to communicate with it.

He'd lost his wives, his children, to it. But he had no desire for vengeance or revenge. He just wanted to end the suffering.

So he volunteered. He took the magical horn, and walked into into the swirling mists of it.

Hours passed.

The mists dissipated, leaving remains of him behind.

He was to be given an honorable funeral, but then the remains moved on their own.

A Single Bullet

It is possible for a war to turn on a single bullet. That bullet just has to be one that is fired and hits a general or a president or someone important. Or one that is fired and misses, but then you start getting into all the bullets not fired.

But this war, although it turned on one single bullet, it wasn't a sniper's precision shot, but a pistol fired in a brawl between two privates in the trenches. It changed everything, that bullet.

Mainly because it saved the life of a solider that later stabbed a general, but still.

Eating A Supernova

Very few souls get to experience what it's like to take a supernova to the face.

Well, yes, actually lots do, but few experience it and then are able to think about and discuss it afterwards.

Usually you have to be a god, or near enough to make no difference, and either have people trying to stop you doing something, something so horrible any sacrifice is justified, or you are trying to die and eating a supernova sounds like a good plan to do so.

Or, in my case, be blissfully unaware of your power until everything is burning brightly.

The Holy Words

I stared at the scroll for so long that the high priestess leaned over.

"There a problem?"

I replied without looking at her.

"Imagine you've spent your entire life being told you have a Destiny, with a big D. That you're going to be a powerful figure working for the gods. But when it comes time to say the words, you realise that you're worried about the rest of your life. What would you do my place?"

"What I did in your place was say the words then spend most nights drunk with the fountain maidens."

I said the words.

Could Have Fooled Me

After the third gunshot, I couldn't lie to myself that things were ok. I slowly opened the door into the deal room, hoping to find a few dead buyers and Fred.

Instead I found Fred, a makeshift barricade, and a broken door to the alleyway where bullets were being introduced into the mix.

I slid to the barricade, and as I pulled my piece, I glared at Fred.

"It's cool man."

"YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!"

"Well they couldn't fool me, see."

I stared at him.

"If we survive, I'm going to kill you."

Then a bullet removed that possibility.

To My Hypothetical Love

To my hypothetical love.

I would provide for you.
I would ensure that you never knew pain, never know loss, never knew hunger or thirst.
I would treasure you, as you would treasure being my love.
I would be the best man any woman could ever ask to be attached to.
I would be firm, but I would be fair.
I would respect you, provided you respected me.
I would cherish every moment I chose to be with you.

But above all else, I would love you more than my current actual love.

Until we meet, my awaiting hypothetical love.

Grab What You Need

While he acknowledged the debt he owed me, I could tell the wizard was trying to guide me to take a Summonsteed figurine or something else simple to pay it off. But I was having fun going through his workshop.

I found the bundle of sticks hidden under a stack of scrolls. As i pulled it out, the sticks rearranged themselves into a ring, the size of a small well, with blackness filling the inside.

"And this is?"

He took his time in answering.

"It's a Grabcircle. You think of something you need or want, really concentrate on it, then reach in and you grab it."

I considered this.

"And what's the Demon's Trick?"

"Well it can't be anything alive, so no experienced virgins or power crystal spiders. That's the main one."

"So there's a secondary one?"

"Well, it's just that occasionally a hand will reach through and take something of yours that, presumably, someone else needs."

I considered this.

"So it's not making the stuff, just taking it? From where?"

The wizard shrugged.

I began to concentrate on what I needed, then reached through. I pulled out the letter, from my future self, telling me to take the Grabcircle.

Fake Deep Learning

So I got my hands on one of those learning programs, the ones where you feed into it a bunch of something, like dozens of symphonies or thousands of landscapes and it produces its own.

I spent weeks feeding in evety type of written word I could, everything from beat poems to recipe cards. I tried to chart its progress from random mixing to something resembling a human ability to create, or so I hoped. And then, I asked it to write something, anything.

It produced what it is that you've just read. Weird, huh?

...

The human wrote this, relax.

The Virus Lab

The instructions were simple. Get in, insert the USB stick, wait until it finished uploading the virus (the stick's LED would flash), remove, leave.

The set-up was strong. The suit was bulletproof, the ID card current, the passwords memorized, the cameras disabled.

The route was snake-like. To avoid the cleaners, guards, and the two scientists who worked late often.

The insertion was silent. I got past the outer walls, the security door, the lobby guard, multiple cleaners, everything was to plan.

The complication was sexy.

Turns out those two scientists weren't so much working late as they screwing each other.

Small Act Of Healing

I found her on my doorstep, blood slowly trickling down her forehead, a stone with an obvious sharp point on the sidewalk nearby. Running footsteps in the distance finished the scene.

She looked up at me with a resigned sigh on her lips, and she slowly stood up as if to leave.

I told her to stay put, and fetched my first aid box. It was fairly easy to clean and dress the wound, although she just stared at me as I worked. Once I finished, she smiled for a split-second then walked away.

I hope I healed her, slightly.

Selling War

Leaders always sell war as being quick, easy, profitable. You have to, for those who remember previous wars will remember how it was long, hard, expensive. Because war always is.

Of course, if you're a leader and it's been long enough that most of your people have forgotten the last war, you still have to sell it as quick, easy, profitable. Else who would want to ruin the joys of peace?

But that is what leaders are for, selling what needs to be sold.

The real problem comes when the leader actually believes the war will be quick, easy, profitable.

A Note To Myself

You can justify it all you like, the notion that you know how messed up you are, that you can see how little you can offer any hypothetical woman that would in theory be able to fall in love with you. And that therefore you're doing everyone a favor by not even trying to pursue anyone.

But deep down, you're just too lazy to put in the effort, and too egotistical to be happy with anyone who doesn't live up to your ludicrous standards.

But you know that already.

And so you're stuck in a loop.

Only you though, thankfully.

A Father's Pride

The Queen knelt before the King's tomb, the Royal Priest a few steps behind her.

"Father, it has been six months since you passed. I have done all I can to make you proud of me. You did not get to lead our troops into battle, alas, but I have taken the armies and I have conquered so much, so fast. It has not been easy, many people have died, but all in your name. I hope you... I just want my father to be proud of me."

Her actual father was a few steps behind her, unsheathing a dagger.

Cheating Death

He ruled the galaxy with a black hole fist, subjugating systems with his seemingly endless waves of robotic supersoldiers. He demanded tribute, loyalty, worship.

But he was not immortal, despite all his plans. So after a particularly scrappy band of 'heroes' managed to mortally wound him, his medical droids placed him in suspended animation, so the decades of nanobotic work to repair and cure him could be done.

He awaits, silently, to be awoken to rule once again.

Which, given that he's now technically the only living thing in the universe at this point, will probably take a fair while.

Balancing Act

It was a balancing act to get Billy to attempt his. We couldn't just dare him to walk across the cable strung between the school buildings. We had to say that it was impossible, so Billy would declare it was easy. We had to mention how the guy we saw at the circus had a big stick, so Billy said he could do it solo. Someone asked where we could get a net, Billy declared he didn't need one.

All of this was important, so that when the teacher came running, we could truthfully say it was all Billy's idea.

The Five Best Assassins

The five best assassins in the world had agreed not to accept contracts on each other, mainly so they could catch up over drinks with other people who understood their lives.

The five were seated around a table in Morocco when talk turned to the most unusual weapons they'd ever used to kill.

Paula once used a banana, the target was allergic.

Amos once beat a guy to death with a stone bangle.

The Mordin twins thought the milk crate was a winner.

Bret claimed he could kill with an order.

"Amos, tell me again about you killing Momma Mordin."

Support Group

I had been warned by Neph that I would have to speak, but it still surprised me when Nick, after introducing me to the group seated in cheap plastic chairs in a rough circle, told me to say a few words about myself.

I slowly stood up, glancing around the group. Most of them were male and of color. That had kinda thrown me, before I finally agreed to come along I'd have assumed they would mostly be, well like me. But I'd have time to fix that.

"Hi, my name is Danny, and like you all I'm now immortal..."

4/4 Beat

They had danced around the topic for years. Both of them recognized the song, knew the steps, saw how this would end.

Both of them knew that they couldn't lead, their would-be partner wouldn't abide them taking control like that. And while plenty of mutual friends would have loved to welcome them into their dance squares, when they pushed, it just separated the pseudo couple.

But eventually the pull of the dancefloor was enough that they came together, finding a compromise to settle into a tempo both could live with.

Unfortunately though, after one song the beating began to happen.

The Coven's Fault

A calm had come to the village, once they had dealt with the coven.

All the recent troubles had been their doing, obviously. They had poisoned the crops and caused the children to be born wrong.

But after the village had had enough, they had formed a militia, which is different to a mob, and they'd stormed up the mountain to where the coven had taken residence, next to where the river came out of the valley in the rocks.

The coven was dealt with, and thus no longer could cast their evil magic.

Or dump stuff in the river.

Peace In His Time

The creator of the ultimate weapon wasn't part of any of the celebrations for the end of the war, at least in person. He got toasted in every city on every planet in the colonies, but beyond a name and a holophoto, he was absent.

It took me years to find out where he was kept under intense security, presumably to try and prevent what I intended to do, murder him for killing so many.

Months of planning went into my infiltration of the facility, until I stood face to face with him.

He thought he'd made a power source.

Drowning Personas

The personas knew of each other, just enough to not be confused every time they woke up in control of the body, in a new, unfamiliar location.

But this was different, all of them were awake, sort of, at the same time. After a brief moment of confusion, they all sensed the inability of the body to breathe.

Most felt they were the 'true' or dominant persona, but all of them knew they needed the body to survive. Working together, they managed to get out of the water.

Then fell apart almost instantly arguing about whose fault it had been.

The Five Ways To Capture A Unicorn

1. Have a virgin fair (any sex) place 12 drops of vampire blood in a circle inside a fae clearing on a full moon. Tie it up with Elven cloth rope.

2. Cast Stoniga's Unicorn Summoner Spell (ensure you have compensated for timezones, leap days, and festival extensions). Tie it up with Elven cloth rope.

3. Place a dozen carrots and several sweet blue potatoes in a snare trap using Elven cloth rope.

4. Stay still within the Fairy Forest with some Elven cloth rope handy.

5. Buy second hand Elven cloth rope and extract Unicorn essence from leftover hairs.

Exit, Stage Right

"Wait, please!"

She spun around, various items of clothing sticking out of the suitcase, large sunglasses hiding her red eyes.

"Why should I? I know you Brian, I know you better than you know yourself, and I can probably think of everything you are capable of saying to me now before you can spit it out!"

I thought things through quickly.

"So... You know what I would say that can convince you to stay?"

She sighed.

"Of course, you could have a moment of brilliance and convince me. But that requires you to know me. Truly."

I let her go.

Understanding How We Lived

The tool dug into the ground, disturbing the box beneath the earth just enough for the message to play.

"Greetings citizens of Stepberg of the future! This time capsule was buried on September 6th, 2022, with kind cooperation from Powlo Technology. It contains the most modern data retention technology available, upon which are thousands of messages from the town residents as well as historical recordings, which should give you so you need to understand how we lived!"

Of course, the roach ape had long since run away from the odd sounds, and was digging ants out of the ground elsewhere.

Circular Rims

She picked up the sunglasses off her first completed target, a dirty banker. She got chewed out by her trainer for it, but she insisted she had needed them as part of her escape. And from then on, she'd worn them on every job.

She never thought of them as lucky, if she had had to throw them away she would have.

But then on her last job, a rapper who made one too many bad bets, a stray bullet broke them, rather than her skull.

Revealing the hidden chip with billions of dollars secured in it.

Hence her retirement.