Crowning Moment

The Jewelled Crown of Minorly was the symbol of everything the Wastefield Tribes despised, the Kingdom’s order, wealth, the rule of law. Thus, naturally, when the two sides went to war, the Kingdom made sure the Crown was well protected, lest it fall into the hands of the Tribes.

But there was at least one master thief who valued money over the Kingdom.

After the Crown was stolen, the Kingdom was on high alert, almost every citizen was loyal and searched for it.

The Kingdom assumed it would be smuggled out to the Tribes.

Blowing it up, that surprised them.

A Question Of Ruling

As I began work on my time machine, the United States of America began to wobble, just a bit. The day I finished was the day it descended into anarchy.

I knew I had to do something, but the problem was that the chaos of America’s downfall had far too many causes, plus America did too much good prior.

So I went a fair way back, and managed to convince Mr. Washington to become King George the First.

I had assumed, on my return trip, The Kingdom of America would be more stable.

The American Empire was stable, I suppose…

The Family Bluff

The will named all four children as executors. Thus, the four of them were forced to catalogue their Mother’s belongings before they could distribute them. And since three of them couldn’t stand the sight of any of the others, this was a long process.

Eventually the youngest and sweetest one broke, and said she was out of here, she’d just take her Mother’s locket.

The others almost fell for the trick of thinking a useless trinket was worth vast sums, but they laughed and sent her on her way with the locket.

And the key to the safety deposit boxes.

The Worst I Got

All of the Custodians of Earth, together, could destroy any threat on the planet, and could defeat most threats from off the planet.

Threats from outside this existence though...

An hour after The Leveler declared it would destroy the planet for power, the Custodians were fighting a seemingly never ending swarm of themselves, from a thousand other universes.

But their hearts were pure, and the Custodians won.

“That the best you got?” Glory shouted, defiant, as The Leveler raised an eyebrow.

“No, that was just the easiest.”

The Leveler closed its eyes, and began to erase the Custodians from existence.

Checking The Figure

I smiled as she walked in the door. I went to apologize but she cut me off.

“This is the tenth straight time in your first week that you’ve called me down here just to check your figures. If you ask me to check your figures again, I am so firing you. Clear?”

I weighed my feelings.

“Actually I wanted to ask you out…” I mumbled, telling the truth for the first time. She paused.

“I don’t date co-workers.”

“Can you check my figures?”

“You’re fired.”

“Can I pick you up at 8?”

“I will pick you up at 7.”

Feeling Death Like

On my eighth birthday, when the principal pulled me out of class, I felt like death, awaiting whatever punishment I must have earned.

When she told me about the car crash, my parents, well that made the earlier death feel like joy in comparison.

On my eighteenth birthday, when Priscilla pulled me to a quiet corner of the party, I felt amazing, as I knew she’d finally decided to sleep with me.

When she dumped me, that felt like death all over again.

On my twenty-eighth birthday, I actually felt death, for a few seconds.

The other two were worse.

Writing From Experience

As a famous and, more importantly, successful writer, Leo had rote answers to a few questions that he was constantly asked.

The most common one had a few variations, but in the end, came down to the same basic idea.

“Tell me how to write like you.”

Whenever someone asked him anything along those lines, he said the same thing.

“Write what you know.”

And that would get a laugh, since Leo’s bibliography was half high fantasy, half hard science fiction.

But it wasn’t a joke, he truly meant it.

He just was lucky enough to remember his other lives.

Culling Universes

Once I started looking through the multiverse, I found literally googols of universes with nothing larger than an atom inside them. Pointless levels of existence, except that, once destroyed, I could use the energy to power countless worlds and systems in the universes that did sustain life.

I was a hero to countless worlds, who all depended on me, so the silly universes, ones filled with plastic garden furniture, they went as well, to sustain all the life dependant on me.

There are no more silly or empty ones left.

I think I’ll start with the least populated ones first…

Power From Below

There are a few different types of powers in the known world. Kingdoms, Empires, Caliphates, even a weird thing called a ‘Democrassy’, I believe it is called, if it does actually exist.

And yet, ours is unique, as there are no other Queendoms known to us.

The reasons why to our enemies are obvious, men are superior to women in all regards, there is not a faith or scholar out there who would disagree. And yet, we continue to have a woman as the head of our land.

The reason? Bit hard for a King to seduce another King, usually…

Other Versions: “Unwanted Storytelling” As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “Unwanted Storytelling”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at http://www.georgesirois.com/

You can read the original here!

The Last Old Men

As I got off the bus, he was sitting on a bench, staring at me. The face was lined, what hair that was left was grey, and he had a cane in his hands, but those eyes, I knew instantly who it was, I never forgot those eyes.

“I know it’s supposed to be served cold, but forty years, really?”

He laughed wheezily.

“You did a good job of hiding, plus taking out everyone else took time.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“The entire team is gone, apart from you and me?”

He nodded.

I smiled, then drew my gun first.

Aesop 2.0: 22. The River’s Wanderlust

The River liked its path. It started up in the mountains, winding its way down through the valley, all the way to the sea. It started cold, but was lovely and warm at the end. But after a few dozen years, it realised that it had lost the urge to see new things, experience new places. So it began to look around, spread out. The flooding washed away all the settlements, all the animals, everything ended up in the sea, until the dam was built.

“Getting trapped in a rut is easy, but getting out of it isn’t always better.”

White Gold Bricks

Fairies are very judgemental about each other, at least in terms of their ‘style’. Every fairy has to have a unique style, or else they’ll be ridiculed, insulted. So when Enamel wanted to build a house, she knew it had to be special, it had to be built of something unique. She found it with little humans, who discarded small white bricks. She buys them, although she finished the home years ago. But any day now, she’ll finish the eighth extension, and she’ll stop fetching bricks.

And on that day, I’ll knock her house down and force her to restart.

Dear Red John

I woke up to my ‘Dear John’ letter taped to what was, up until then, her pillow.

At first, all I could think about was that she’d used the last of my black ink to print the letter.

But after a while I could focus, and I tried to think things through.

Ignoring the red mist that threatened to cloud my vision, I quickly discarded the notion to make some huge stupid gesture to try and win her back. She always hated that sort of thing.

I was about to accept acceptance when her ‘new man’ knocked on the door.

True Thanks

She burst into my office.

“What’s with not mentioning me in your email? I helped!”

I paused.

“Imagine you’re lost in the desert, the sun beating down, your lips cracked, your throat drier than the last sand dune you crawled up.

Finally, you see a figure in the distance, hope! You manage to wave, and they see you, and the figure makes their way over to you, finally standing before you.

And then they spit right in your mouth.

Technically that’s helping, sure, but it’s still dickish.

But since I’ve wanted to use that metaphor for months, thank you. Truly.”

Unstoppable V Unbreakable

On the celebration of his birth, The King received many gifts from his subjects. But Sliv Island gave naught but a hammer and a shield. The messenger claimed that the hammer could break through any defensive structure, while the shield could withstand any blow.

The King immediately pointed out both claims could not be true.

The messenger refuted that they were, and that if they struck each other, it would end the world.

The King, not believing him, picked them up and struck them together once.

The world, unsurprisingly, did not end.

The destruction only reached a few thousand miles.

A God, Not The God

I stared at the genie, confused.

“I thought it was three?”

She shook her head.

“Common misconception. You only get one.”

I sighed.

“OK then… You know the movie ‘Groundhog Day’?”

She tilted her head, and little Wi-Fi symbols appeared in her eyes.

“I do now.”

“Well I wish for that, a looped day until I get it absolutely perfect.”

She shrugged and snapped both fingers.

“Done!”

Suddenly I found myself in a small room, with just a TV in the corner.

“Once you can recite the movie word for word, you may leave.”

The opening credits played on screen.

Other Versions: “Reigns” As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “Reigns”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at http://www.georgesirois.com/

You can read the original here!

Deserving Capitalization

Once The Weapon was built, it was used exactly four times.

The first time was the test run. The inventor was unaware of just what it was she had made, until she aimed the beam at a nearby asteroid, engaged it, and tore a hole in the fabric of everything.

Hence the capitalisation.

The second time was the demonstration, given that The Empire wanted to show the rest of the galaxy why it was worth the capital letters.

The third time was to try and end The War.

The last time, it did indeed end The War.

And Everything Else.

Decivilised Barbarian

Before, I was labelled many things. A nerd, a geek, a weirdo, a freak. I was accused of being in league with Satan, or of performing black magic.

All because, a couple nights a week, I’d get together with some friends and play an RPG. I had a default half-elf female barbarian archetype I tended to gravitate towards.

But now? Now, after the fall of civilisation, and the reversion back to an agrarian society, suddenly I’m well liked and respected, honored even, because of my skills.

Making good entertainment with just dice and imagination is hard for most people, see…

Double Indemnity Laws

I found her sitting on the floor, staring at the body. I approached carefully, since the gun was still in her hand.

“Honey, you-“

She waved the gun at me.

“I told you he was alive, that he’d framed me. But it’s fine, that double indemnity law means I can’t go to jail for killing him, ‘again’.”

I chose my words carefully.

“Firstly, it’s called double jeopardy laws, and second, that only applies for the exact same crime. This is a new one, so…”

She looked at me, then slowly lifted the gun to her head.

I didn’t stop her.

Red Light On The Hill

She had maybe fifteen names she used regularly, but the one on her paperwork was Jane Smith.

Others might read into that, others might wonder if having such a boring name and boring childhood attached to it had led her to this life, spending hours with lonely men, fulfilling their desires for money.

But she knew better. She knew it wasn’t fate or any crap like that. Just simple logic.

After all, in this town, the best a woman could hope for was to find a good man and get married.

Someone had to look after the rest of them…

Understanding The Journey

The Universe reset.

Where there was nothing, suddenly there was everything. The expansion took the smallest possible time that could exist, going from one singular point to all possible points.

Eons passed, as stars formed, galaxies coalesced, matter was destroyed, created, merged, settled.

Eons more passed, and then there was life.

Simple at first, but in such little time, comparatively, it became more advanced, more complex, and soon enough it began to seek out an understanding of what was around them.

After a million years or so, it began to come close to understanding The Universe.

So The Universe reset.

Super Crush

I’ve always had a thing for the unobtainable girl. The head cheerleader, the sorority captain, the wealthy heiress.

But I think a superheroine’s the worst. I can’t help it though, ever since Ultralady saved me from that trap set by Master Mind, I’ve been unable to think of anyone else. Her blonde hair, her soft but strong curves, the way she can lift a ton without breaking a sweat… I hope one day to make her mine.

She seems to always be close by that mousey librarian next door who has a crush on me, so I’ve got a shot…

Password Strength: Very Strong

Our father finally accepted he was dying a day or so before he actually died.

I managed to get to his deathbed a few minutes before that, and I asked the obvious question, what was the password to the family accounts.

He managed to croak out “Something stupidly long and difficult to remember…” before he drifted away.

I tried every way of inputting ‘somethingstupidlylonganddifficulttoremember’ that I could think of, but none of them worked, so we had to spend a few grand for a hacker to unlock it.

I was so annoyed when the password turned out to be ‘somethingstupidlylonganddifficulttoremember1492’…

Other Versions: “Nickel & Dime” As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “Nickel & Dime”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at http://www.georgesirois.com


You can read the original here!

The Most Important Guests

She finally got a moment to talk to me as I began to prepare the candles on the cake. She glared at me as she struggled to open a bottle of red.

“I don’t want Max and Jean at our next party. He always smells so bad, and she gets so annoyingly drunk… Why on earth do you invite-“

“Max! Jean! Perfect timing! We need some help here, if you’d be so kind!”

Max pulled out his ever present lighter and Jean got out her bottle opener. Afterwards I explained that was why I invited the smoker and the drunk.

The Bliss Of Ignorance

I was never one for politics, I was too busy living. Not to say that I didn’t understand the purpose of it, that I didn’t get why someone’s gotta run things, it’s just that most everyone who got up and went on and on about freedom or fairness or whatever, just all white noise to me. They’re much of a muchness to me.

And that worked out fine for me for a long time, my life was pretty good. Then I pissed off that gypsy and woke up black, not white, female, not male, and pregnant to top it off…

Paw In The Door

When I introduce myself as a pet psychologist, I tend to get funny looks, laughter, that sort of thing. And certainly I’ve had a lot of doors slammed in my face, until I mention the service is free, paid for by their insurance company. Then they usually let me in.

I start by asking some questions about their pet, the habits the pet has, and then I begin to get background on the owners, to form a picture of the situation. I start subtle, but soon, usually, they’re confiding in me.

I only introduce myself as a pet psychologist, see…

Losing Them Twice

He walked out on his wife and child the day mankind first walked on the moon.

Considering the circumstances and the time, the two women had a decent enough life. The community rallied around them, they didn’t live like Queens but they survived.

When the daughter turned 21, he sent a letter, asking if she wanted to meet.

The reply came back ‘return to sender’, and she assumed it had been a sick joke.

She didn’t bother to investigate, and thus never found out he had been evicted.

At least, not until she received his diaries once he’d passed away.

Behind The Media Creation

I fell in love thirty seconds into the music video.

The way she moved, the curves of her body, the way she seemed to stare through the camera into my very soul…

I knew it was all an act, but I didn’t care. I had to have her, win her, make her mine.

Luckily Dad was absolutely loaded, so this was actually possible. I bought the record company she had a contract with, and ‘accidentally’ met her. She flirted back at me, and we started dating. Thus, I met the real her.

And I fell in love all over again.

Kick Off

The hospital was very apologetic, but given that I pretty much immobile inside the cast, it was judged that it wouldn’t matter for me to share a room with a female patient, especially as she was in a coma.

Then she woke up.

After a few weeks, when they took off a couple of my casts, she began to speak, softly, although took a few more days until I could hear her.

The first question she asked me was who won the Superbowl.

I suspect my total ignorance on that subject is why she requested to move later that day.

Discordant Notes

Think of your life, and the lives of everyone around you, as music.

Some people have epic pieces that just never seem to end, telling a near infinite number of stories within their notes.

And some, their tunes are short, sad and all the more powerful for their brief runtime.

But there’s an issue with the focus people have on these pieces. Because far too many people focus on the discordant notes, the moments where the horns are flat, the percussion a little early, the point where a violin string snaps.

Far too few people focus on the beauty in-between.

Other Versions: “New Viewpoints” As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “New Viewpoints”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at http://www.georgesirois.com/

You can read the original version here!

The Grounds

They had chosen me based on my genetics, both my parents were tough, smart, skilled.

They eliminated my parents before I grasped the concept of other people, so I would only know The Grounds.

They trained me, every waking moment spent learning how to fight, how to kill.

They did everything in their power to make me a killing machine, removing every trace of empathy, compassion and human emotion.

They had high hopes for me, and I served them well for many years.

They didn’t expect me to fall in love with Target #135.

I killed them all for her.