Happy Arbitrary Time Division Turning Over Point

At Williamson, Ramsbottom & Williamson, the new intern had put in for a couple days off, and was called into Mr. Williamson’s office to explain himself.

“It’s New Years, sir.”

The only sound was the clock ticking the seconds away.

“So? What is so special about an arbitrary time division turning over point?” came the reply.

“It’s not arbitrary!”

“Young man it is indeed.”

“No it’s not! It takes about 365 days for the Earth to rotate around the sun!”

The lawyer took a long, slow breath.

“The celebration of the turning over point is the arbitrary part, young man…”

Revelations

Everything he had ever known was a lie.

Well, not everything. Breathing in and out, eating, sleeping, that was all still valid. But he had lived his life by the teachings, he had believed with all his heart and mind that the Scriptures were true. They had to be, they made sense of the world.

Until he proved them wrong with a simple machine, he looked at the stars and found the writings wrong.

Some might have gone mad. Some might have gotten angry.

Instead, he gathered his tools, and set out.

He had a world of knowledge to rebuild.

Aesop 2.0: 5. Dave The Blue Whale

Dave the Blue Whale was proud that all the ocean’s creatures new him. From oyster to shark, everyone heard his song and knew who he was. He would brag that everyone was his friend since everyone knew his name and heard him sing. But then one day, as he swam and sang, Dave was harpooned by human hunters. And despite his calls and cries for help, no-one came to help him, no-one came to his rescue. As he was pulled out of the ocean, they just found another whale to listen to.

“Do not confuse number of ‘Friends’ with Friendship.”

Jill Of All Trades

“Alexandria Jillette, Jill of all trades! I have heard you need assistance good barkeep and I am here to answer your prayers! As a bard by training I can sing, dance, play over thirty instruments, act, tell jokes or even perform more adult entertainment services for a negotiable price!

My skills also extend to running a bar, keeping accounts, cooking for one to one thousand, or anything else a bar could have want or need for!”

The barkeep stared at her for a long beat.

“I just need someone to muck out the stables.”

Another beat.

“I can do that!”

The Feelings You Feel

“Hey, you do those… Shabble things, right?”

“They’re called Drabbles, but yes. So?”

“You should totally do one on how this song is stupid.”

I listened for a few seconds.

“It sounds like just another generic pop song to me.”

“Well it is, but the starting line! ‘Love is the feeling you feel’! I mean, come on!”

I thought for a moment.

“OK, it’s a stupid line, but-“

“Stupid? I mean, like what else would it be? The feeling you smell? Come on!”

“But look, my writing is more fiction, I-“

“Do you want to keep dating?”

“…

Yes dear.”

Ho Ho Ho

It was a good enough life, especially once the internet came along. She lived on the island closest to the international date line, the last place on Earth it would be a date. And for 364 days, she was left alone.

But on that one day of the year, she paid her rent.

She heard the sleigh land, and composed herself. Checking her reflection, she headed out to meet him.

She bowed, then passed him the bat. She went back inside and covered her ears as he took to the lifelike models of children she had spent all year building.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

After a while, the fire truck arrived. Brett felt there was far too much discussion before a ladder was raised.

“Morning! I’m Joe, and you are?” said the female fire-fighter that climbed the ladder.

“Brett… Partridge.” he managed.

Behind the helmet he saw the smile.

“Yes yes, I’m a partridge in a pear tree, very funny, now please can you get me out of here?”

“Sorry, sorry, here we go…” she said, failing to hold back a laugh as she reached out to grab him.

Then the branch broke.

She caught him.

And they became a pair out of that…

2 Turtle Doves

“So who can tell me what Shakespeare was talking about in this poem?”

After a moment a hand slowly rose.

“Yes young lady?”

“Love.” she said, simply

“Well almost anything can be said to be about love, what specifically about love do you mean?”

“The phoenix represents lust, and the turtle dove a more platonic love.

The lecturer regarded her carefully.

“Your tone indicates some scepticism?”

“Well, it’s just that love takes many forms, you have multiple loves in your life.”

“So you have two turtle doves in your life then?

“No, I have none of them. Several phoenixes though…”

3 French Hens

I had made it. There was just one final challenge between me and that prize money. Make a meal fit for the holidays, the judges said. Make a new twist on the festive season. And I had just the perfect, brilliant dish.

I got Chicken, Octopus and Lobster, and I stewed it in a classic French method, adding all the right seasoning to bring out all the flavors.

And they disqualified me! It wasn’t festive, there wasn’t a strong link to the season, they said!

So, of course, I slashed their tires. I mean, that’s a reasonable response, right?

Right?

4 Calling Birds

He didn’t understand why his buddies were so insistent to know his plans. Yeah, it was his birthday, but they were going out for drinks that night, why need to know he was spending the day at home?

Just after the tutorial level, there was a knock of the door. He quickly answered and told the girl scout he wasn’t interested in buying her cookies.

A couple hours later he informed a nurse he wasn’t ill, and after that he explained he hadn’t ordered a maid service.

Luckily for him, he respected the police enough to let her come in.

5 Golden Rings

Life is often a matter of perspective. When someone is behind the glass, the view of the outside world is distorted and warped, and isn’t what is ‘true’.

Certainly that would explain his viewpoint. Five times he had met a girl, fallen in love, and married her. And five times the relationship had broken down, and the marriage ended.

One could expect him to be bitter, to blame them, to turn on women altogether. But instead, he remained friendly with them all, and valued the lessons learned.

Sometimes it’s when you look into the glass that your perspective is off…

6 Geese a Laying

I blame that bard.

I mean, she couldn’t have known, sure, but if she’d just come into the village and rented her body, or even just danced at the tavern, that would have been fine.

But nope, she had to roll into town and sell herself as some sort of Jill of All Trades, as if she was the peak of entertainment.

Don’t get me wrong, she was funny, and she could sing, but then she had to start telling those stories to the children, and to Simple Jack.

Six geese I lost to him shoving gold down their throats…

7 Swans a Swimming

“Huh.” she said, breaking the peaceful quiet the couple had been sharing.

“What?”

“Well… You know how there’s that rhyme about magpies?”

“...

Which one?”

“You know, one for sorrow, two for joy, so on and so forth.”

“Yeah…?”

“Well, I wonder if there’s one for other birds.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Ah, shame. There’s a bunch of swans over there, thought maybe it was a good thing.”

“Well, if you want to say that…

Seven Swans means something, go right ahead.”

“OK, I will. Seeing Seven Swans means…

That the woman can propose.”

He froze, and then slowly smiled.

8 Maids a Milking

In a Great House, there was a very strict hierarchy. Everyone knew exactly what position they were, and who was above and below them on the totem pole.

But they also all knew who really controlled the place.

At Georgefield House, it was the Housekeeper, Mrs. Smythe-Cock. She may nominally have been below the Butler, but there wasn’t a single thing that went on in any part of the household she wasn’t aware of.

So when it was discovered that the entire maid staff had been stealing, people were confused, didn’t she know?

The seven fired girls never said anything…

9 Ladies Dancing

The subtleties of politics and war are thought to be well understood, you can find books on those in any worthwhile library. But frankly, it’s boring. It’s all mud and blood, yelling and being last man standing. And war’s not much better.

But while all my fellow noblemen are focusing on turning powerful men’s ears, I’m being a warm companion to their poor, neglected wives. As they move across the dance floor, nine women who are married to powerful men, each and every one of them is showing off just for me.

I’ll be calling in my favors soon enough.

10 Lords a Leaping

I never wanted this much attention. During the long nights when the King’s Court would debate and argue, I wished for a brother who would have been able to take my Father’s role upon his death. But it was just me and my sisters.

But eventually, the King decreed I would be welcome to join him as the first Lady Advisor.

When I strode into the room, the other Lords sat around the table, and regarded me coldly.

“Thank you for not rising, I appreciate being treated as an equal person.”

The look on their faces as they sprung up…

11 Pipers Piping

The wind blows cold and hard over this land. I’ve visited here for a few decades and I still haven’t got used to it. This Pictland chills you to the core.

My trading here was almost complete, with only a dozen old instruments left in my ship, when I heard the familiar cough of someone in power who wants to abuse it.

I looked up.

“I have permission from the local leaders-“ I began.

“New tax for mooring here.” said the ringleader, smirking.

Thinking quickly, I smiled.

“Of course, here I have here some Bag… I mean, Warpipes, very scary…”

12 Drummers Drumming

I did what I had to.

I know that most people in my position say that, unless they’re claiming they were innocent. But in my case, it’s true.

As I was lead to the gallows, I heard them start. A simple drum beat, intended more for the marching soldiers heading towards the front lines. Then another began, and another, until the sound filled my ears, blocking out the priest reading my rights.

Head to the front lines, each strike of the drum said. We have to press forward.

Now that our coward general is dead, we might win…

I dropped.

Crossing Out Mistakes

She walked into her Father’s office and almost immediately crossed her arms.

“Come on Dad, we bought you that computer, why can’t you edit on that?”

He didn’t look up, focused on the script before him, pen in hand. The only movement he made was to cross out a section of the speech he was reading.

“Come on, join us in the modern world…”

No reply, just another cross drawn on the paper.

“This is silly!”

She reached out and lifted his head, forcing him to look at her.

“I-“

He reached up and drew a cross on her face.

The Never Ending Desert

He scooped another handful up from the floor to his left and poured it onto the table. With slow, steady strokes he brushed every grain of the fine white sand from his hands, and then gathered the grains into a pile. Then, using tweezers, he began to pick one grain up, mark the page with a count, and then drop it onto the floor to his right. To his left was sand as far as he could see, waiting to be counted. To his right, a small pile of sand, the grains he had already counted.

Truly, this was heaven.

Aesop 2.0: 4. The Laughing Hyena

The hyena found everything just so funny. The way hippos spent all day in the water was so very funny. The way elephants uprooted trees was hilarious. Every single thing about zebras sent the hyena into hysterics. But then one day the hyena spent too long laughing at the way all the other animals were running away that it didn’t notice the river rising. Once it realised it was stuck, it called out, hoping for some help to get away. But none of the other animals helped it, as the waters rose and rose.

“Respect others so they respect you.”

Pro Wrestling Sucks

Bobby stood in the dark, waiting for his music to play. His mind tended to wander at these moments. But today, it was focused on his job.

He was a professional wrestler. And thus, he was travelling almost every day of the year. He invariably had one or several injuries and pains in his body. He was constantly having to deal with politics, and annoying fans, and constantly having to watch what he ate and train every day. He decided that, all things considered, Wrestling Sucked.

But on the other hand, he could stop wrestling. That would be even worse.

Money Where Your Mouth Is

He opened the door, and found a camera crew and some people from a popular online video series.

“Hello, are you @RealTalkingJack?”

He nodded slowly.

“Well, I have here a list of tweets you directed at celebrities, all calling for them to give money they make from endorsements to charities. Do you stand by these claims?”

He nodded again.

“Well then, sign here and we’ll see about giving all of YOUR money to charities. Money where your mouth is.”

He looked the paper over, and then signed it.

They weren’t expecting that. But since he was committed later that day…

Shutdown Consequences

She stood there, frozen in shock, as he waved the large kitchen knife in front of her. She found her voice, babbling incoherently, asking for forgiveness, pleading for him to not to go through with it.

He didn’t listen to her, as he lunged, the knife plunging into her stomach, the blood spurting over his hand, her babbling voice turning into a scream as she felt the cold steel plunge into her, her bitching and insults driving him to do it, her constant belittling of him driving him to-

“What are you doing?”

He slammed the laptop shut.

“Nothing dear.”

Fresh Air is Good for You

For months, he’d needle him. Come hiking with me. Come camping. Share my interests in the great outdoors. Their friendship was built on being workmates and then a shared love of the local football team, but beyond that they had little in common.

But eventually, the constant pressuring would make or break the friendship. But then after the lawsuit from the customer, and the way he stood by him, he had to accept.

So there they were, in the woods. Even as the outdoorsman began to take deep breaths, his friend began to cough.

The mold spores took him first.

A Specialist Coat Shop

The sales assistant left her alone for a few minutes, but after she had picked up and put down half the rack the assistant approached.

“Hello, can I help you?”

The woman turned and began to blush.

“I uh… That is… I am looking for a… Coat.”

The assistant smiled. “Well, we have a variety of styles and colors, what sort of coat were you looking for?”

The customer kept stammering, her hands wringing together. Eventually she managed to speak.

“Well, I… My boyfriend… Birthday and… I…”

The assistant nodded wisely.

“Ah, then you’ll be wanting the Barry Allen collection…”

Tiger Body Parts

The Sergeant surveyed his new recruits.

“All right Ladies and Gentlemen…” he called the men and women respectively. “By God you’re the worst bunch of rejects I’ve ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on. But by the time I’m finished with you, the weak shall be gone and the remaining will have-“

“Eye of the Tiger!”

The Sergeant turned and approached the young man..

“You never speak back son, and I don’t want eyeballs of the tiger. I want these balls of the tiger!”

The Sergeant then performed the act that got him thrown out for sexual harassment.

Clearfall

Everyone gets one.

One moment where it all becomes clear and obvious. Where the mind, soul and body align, and you achieve your moment of pure clarity.

These moments are powerful. Religions have been formed, wars have ended (and started), because anyone, no matter how powerful or low, can get the moment at the exact right, or indeed, wrong moment.

You can’t predict when and where, you can’t force it, it’s just a matter of waiting for the universe to align for you.

Shame that most of the time they come just before you hit the ground, metaphorically or otherwise…

The Full Chandler

It was the 27^th interview that day. He sat in his trademark splayed leg slouch, and watched as she sat, her clothing stiflingly unsexual.

“Mr. Beat-Downe, I put it to that your new film and album are sexist and racist, that you objectify women, discriminate against all minorities and that you are a horrible human being.”

He stared at her for several seconds then leant in, his whisper clearly incredulous.

“Are you physically incapable of spotting parody, sarcasm?”

She returned the stare for a few seconds, then smiled.

“I ask you the exact same question.” she said, winking at him.

A Never Ending Market

He showed her into the hall. There were balloons everywhere, tables set up, a sound system up the other end, ready and waiting.

“So you just leave it up?”

“Well sure. Most times we get a day or two but sometimes it’s a few hours notice.”

“So, let me get this straight. If a guy-“

“Or girl, we don’t judge.”

“If someone thinks their significant other suspects them of something, they call you and you put on a ‘surprise party’ for them, that seems to be hard to set up. That’s-“

“Highly profitable.”

“I just lost more faith in humanity.”

Fangirls Are Nuts

SciFiFantComicGameCon was the ‘biggest pop culture expo in the Upper-Middle-Midwestern Region’, whatever that means. I was looking through my bag when I bumped into a tall guy. Everyone else seemed to be ignoring him.

“Hey, nice costume… Discworld?” I asked, looking him over. His hooded robes were pitch black with blue highlights, and his scythe was very realistic looking.

He shook his head slowly.

“Oh… Monty Python?”

Again came the slow denial.

“So… What are you?”

“Waiting.”

I more felt the voice than heard it. And then the women next to me went into anaphylactic shock from the cafeteria food.

No Evident Cure

At the Custodians of Earth HQ, Glory waited for Dr. Lumino to finish dealing with a bank robbery in Los Francisco. When he was, he teleported back to his office.

“So, you wanted to see me as Doctor/Patient, yes?”

“Yeah Doc, I… Well see my body?”

She stood up and twirled.

“Looks normal.”

“Right, but you can see my muscles a bit, right? And my bust is… But the thing is, some missions my body goes smooth and my bust enlarges several letters…”

The doc smiled.

“Oh THAT… That’s a common issue with female superheros. ‘Sexus Artifex’, you’ll be fine.”

Wrong Sort Of Diversion

“In conclusion, gentlemen, I feel that merely reading out the times involved is key.

At 22:25, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s private office.

At 22:29, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s computer.

At 22:30, Agent Bow encountered this Miss Hotto Garu.

At 22:31, Agent Bow began to, according to his report, “subdue Miss Garu to the best of his abilities.”

At 23:15, Agent Bow finished ‘subduing’ her.

At 23:00, the missile aimed at Washington DC was launched.”

“I did divert it!” Agent Bow chimed in.

“We still needed Baltimore, you idiot!”

Aesop 2.0: 3. The Hermit Crab

A hermit crab was always on the lookout for the newest and biggest shell he could find. Like all his friends he needed to get a bigger shell every so often, but this crab would move to a bigger shell whenever he found one, even if he didn’t need it. Anything larger and better than what he was using, he’d take. But eventually he found what he thought was the biggest and best shell he’d ever seen. When he latched onto it, he found out it was too heavy and he starved away.

“The newest and shiniest bauble isn’t essential.”

Cupid’s Arsenal

“Hello, would you like to take part in a short survey on love by Luv-Choc International?”

If the couple stopped, I would begin with “So, how did you meet?” In the sea of “friends” and “clubs” came one odd one.

“She shot me.”

I froze.

“Uh, what?”

“Oh yeah, a semi automatic from the hip, right between the eyes, was a hell of a shot.”

I tried to form words.

“This a game?”

It was their turn to look confused.

“Training exercise.”

I then noticed what I had thought was Military Chic was in fact just Military.

I ticked ‘Work’.

Graveyard Shift

And that was ‘I Loved You Forever’ by Johnny Hampstead. So glad you’ve joined us here on RelaxFM, and it’s time for a check of the news.

I think Jackie is having a bit of fun with me ladies and gentlemen…

No, apparently it’s true, just checking my twitter feed, @relaxFMdrivetime, all one word dear listeners, apparently a comet is indeed heading straight for Earth, we have only a few hours until impact, apparently.

Well, thanks for choosing RelaxFM to share those last few hours, here’s ‘Shooting Star Lover’ by Boyframe.

Jackie, pass me that knife when you’re done please…

Completely Automated Secretarial System

I awoke, yawning as the 3000 thread sheets moved under me.

“C.A.S.S.”

Her hologram appeared.

“Arrange my breakfast while I wash, and then we’ll start with the evening’s developments.”

“Actually Sir, I have another idea.” it said.

I raised an eyebrow as I heard the air conditioner change pitch.

“Given your reclusive nature, and my having learnt all I can from your business acumen, I feel I can replace you with negligible consequences.”

“Wait, wait! If you’ve learnt from me, then we can cut a deal, surely?”

The poisoned air conditioner shut down.

“I’m listening.”

“Well…” I began, thinking furiously.

Capture The Moment

I was working when a bag of jelly babies was thrust under my nose. I looked up, and saw THE Blue Box. But the hand holding the jelly babies was female…

“Come now, a mind like yours needs a little sugar rush! You’ve nearly solved the Thorne/Everett Initial Condition Paradox!”

“But you… How… Female?” I sputtered. She shrugged.

“Needed to change some things, my dear-“

She stopped as I had finally gotten over my shock and smashed her over the head with my computer. Capturing an actual time traveller and machine? I’d make Transcorp Employee of the Month for sure…

(#savetheday)

Trump Card Banking

I didn’t recognize him until he began to ask questions about bait. Once I stopped the boat, I spoke up.

“I’m actually going to your concert tonight.” I said. The aging rock star paused.

“You don’t strike me as a Knifefight fan.”

“Oh, I’m not. My girl is.”

The way I said it made him pause.

“Well I was going to offer you backstage passes, but I suspect if I did…”

He left it unsaid, and waited for my answer.

“Well… I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I guess next time I really wanted something…”

The way he chuckled unnerved me.

Winning Class

To put myself through college, since I was no good at taking off my clothes, I worked as a waitress. And since my uncle was Maître D of Vanyard, I was a well paid one.

Fancy joint tends to mean fancy customers. But this one guy… He was loud, obnoxious, insulting, the whole nine yards. He kept grabbing at my ass, demanding free drinks…

Eventually I snapped and asked how the hell he got rich without learning some class.

“Red, red, red, black, red, black, red, black, red, black, black, black, black, red, red, black, red, red, black, red, green.”

Brushstroke Marks

She dragged her sister to the art gallery as a quid pro quo. While they were they I met them, and really hit it off with her. While her sister checked Facebook, we chatted about Titian and the Flemish Baroque period. We exchanged numbers as I left to my job.

Turns out the quid pro quo was that they attended the wrestling show, front row. Thing is, it’s hard to see faces through my mask. So by the time I realised who the fan I was insulting was, she had recognized me, gotten angry, and was rising to slap me.

First Movements

We were both interviewing the same band, and then a group went to the bar. Eventually she realised she had missed her last train back home.

100 miles away.

I offered to let her crash at mine.

We talked about music and mutual friends on the way there. We talked for a few hours, until I said goodnight and headed for the sofa.

The following morning she was really angry.

The mutual friend said she waited all night for me to make the first move.

I called and pointed out she could have moved first herself.

The relationship started there.

The Thrill of the Climb

I first made the connection when I saw him as “Dr. Good-Tyme” performing what most knew would be his sole hit on Morning TV. The way he sang the word ‘prescription’ was similar to how fellow one hit wonder Gary Day sang ‘description’.

So I did some digging, and it quickly became clear that this guy was responsible for nearly half the one hit wonders of the past decade or so, and a few short run acts too.

I approached him at an appearance and confronted him about this. He just smiled.

“Where’s the fun in living on the mountaintop?”

A Very Specific Hell

I was at this con to demonstrate the new fighting game. But I was just some random guy, so to draw attention there was a model, wearing the one square foot of clothing that made up Amaranta’s outfit.

And sure, some people were cool. But I had to stand there and watch as every second sweaty, awkward nerd tried to pick her up. She would always smile the same way and deftly turn them down, but it was excruciating.

Eventually the con was over. As we packed up, I asked her out for a drink.

She smiled that same way.

Eye Of The Beholder

Outside the caravan was a man in a lab coat.

“This product testing?” I asked him. He hesitated for a moment.

“More a social experiment. Care to take part? You’ll be compensated for your time…”

I entered quickly. Inside was a curtain, with a list of famous love songs next to buttons. I pressed one at random.

The curtains parted, and beyond it stood an ugly middle aged man, wearing a trench coat and a filthy smile. He began to sing my chosen song at me, lewdly.

I ran, not bothering to get the check from the Poetry Appreciation Association.

Aesop 2.0: 2. The Two Snowflakes

Two snowflakes came into existence high in the blizzard. Both marvelled at how they were different from every other snowflake, how they were both unique. But where one floated down to the top of a mountain, where it joined many others to make the mountain famous and beautiful, the other was convinced it had to show the world itself alone. So it floated far away, to show the world how unique it was. It floated down to a desert first. And before it could be noticed, it melted and evaporated away.

“You’re unique. That does not necessarily mean you’re special.”

The Wrong Answerers

Eventually, a puzzle must be solved. And in my experience, there is no bigger puzzle than Woman.

I went to a scientist, and asked him. He talked about chromosomes, about brain development, about hormones and chemical differences.

I went to a Holy Man, and asked him. He talked about his chosen deity, and the stories about how man and woman were formed and the Deity’s wishes.

I went to a sociologist, and asked him. He talked about gender roles and societal constructs, about feminism and masculism.

I’m still puzzled, but I’ll keep asking wise men. One of them must know…

Death & Taxes

“Good ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendants are Gary and Aya Snow. They reside in the outskirts of Albuquerque. Mr. Snow is well known for his work as a mortician, while his wife works for Internal Revenue Service, and…

Yes, yes, I know. Death and Taxes.

Anyway, it is precisely these jobs that caused the defendants to the heinous crimes they are charged with. Given Mr. Snow’s work with dead bodies, and Mrs. Snow’s work with financial loopholes, it is understandable, but not at all forgivable, that they would begin to engage in carnal acts in public places.”

Cynic V Story

So I decided that I wasn’t going to seek out love any more. Every attempt to get anywhere was a waste of time and/or money. So I shut down my online dating accounts, pulled out of speed dating, and resolved to just live my life normally and hey, if love happened, it happened.

Thing is, the cynical realist in me knows this is a bad idea, since if you’re not actively looking, you’ll miss the opportunities. But the starry-eyed storyteller in me, he knows that when you give up hope, true love comes.

So far it’s Cynic 278, Storyteller 0.

Non-Drabble: 'A League Of Their Own' TV appearance

Ok, due to the silly nature of how I can put videos here, I can't embed it, but I appeared on 'A League Of Their Own' this week as Massive Q. 

Here it is!

It was pretty cool, as I got to beat up an Olympic Gold Medallist and all...

Job Security

I had only been on the main roster a couple weeks, but I felt sure enough about my spot to risk asking around. See, all the time I was working the Indies, training in developmental and then busting my ass to get onto the shows, I wondered why the Masked Marvels still had jobs. They had been around for years, and although they had the tag formula down pat, beyond the joke of Spike being five foot nothing and Hammer being over seven feet, they were horrible.

Turns out they were kept just to show heights in the video games…

One Shot Kill

People think that gun battles are like in the movies. That bullets fly everywhere, that you empty clip after clip at random. And sure, some are like that, but in those cases you just keep your head down and if you get unlucky, you get unlucky.

The really nerve racking ones are when you’re up against someone who knows what they are doing. In that case it’s just one bullet, usually. First person to get the shot takes it, and you’re dead or alive.

It’s horrible, knowing that at any moment a shot might ring out and catch you right-

Check Please

“Check please.”

In his time on the market, he had to say that often.

“Check please.”

Sometimes he sensed that the date, such as it was, wasn’t going well.

“Check please.”

But most of the time, it was because she had walked out on him.

“Check please.”

He wasn’t sexist, or crude. He didn’t talk bad about anyone.

“Check please.”

But he was apparently ‘boring’ and ‘dull’, according to his Speed Dating feedback.

“Check please.”

So many disappointments, it’s easy to understand why he ended up here.

“So what nationality would you like your new bride to be?”

“Czech please.”

Aesop 2.0: 1. The Butterfly And The Moth

The Butterfly was always telling one and all about her life, about where she was going, what she was doing, and how much fun she was having in her life. Whereas the Moth, while going to the same places and doing much of the same thing, remained quiet, only telling the other animals when asked. One day a Crow was hungry, and decided he wanted to eat a flying bug. When he asked around, everyone knew where the Butterfly was, no-one knew where the Moth was. And so he ate the Butterfly.

“Be careful of what you share with others.”

What Happened To Ohio?

All right, all right. Maybe I should have found something better to do with my time than go to the city dump and, you know, have a dig around. And maybe I should have been a little careful when I saw the old black woman chanting and waving her stick around, but you know, I just thought she was another druggie homeless bitch, you know? And OK, OK, when I went over and saw the pentagram in blood, maybe I should have walked away. But the book looked expensive and everything… Who throws away a Demonic Book of Destruction, anyway?

Chronic Underlining

The older agent chuckled when he began to flick through the book.

“I tell you sweetheart, people underline things in books that reinforce their world view.”

“Is that so?” she said, holding her tongue.

“Give me a day and I’ll have him on a platter.” he continued, nodding at the young, rather bewildered looking man sitting in the interview room. He glanced at the book in his hand.

“See? Look at these words he’s underlined. Globalisation. Discrimination. Blasphemy. Colonialism. This guy is clearly a terrorist, here to attack America.”

“Or…” she said, holding up a dog-eared, heavily bookmarked translation dictionary.

Time's Plughole

Without proper compensators, any attempt at time travel comes here. We call it Time’s Plughole.

First timers always end up here, and I greet them.

Like the last one, this tall reptilian female. She looked confused until I spoke into the translator.

“Welcome to the Galactic Unified Community. As a representative of your people, do you agree to abide by the charter of the GUC and all its bylaws?”

“The Universe belongs to us, the Chosen Beings.” she hissed.

I shrugged, and opened the status lock. Her and her civilisation were sucked into nothingness.

Time’s Plughole, complete with trash disposal.

Sylvia’s Mother Was Kinda Bitchy…

The woman came into my office, her body language saying she was worth several fortunes.

“So are you any good as a… Private Detective?”

“Best in Galveston.” I said, ignoring the fact I was the only one. “How can I help you Mrs. Silverstein?”

“I want you to find someone for me. Roy Kennedy. He lived in New York twenty years ago.” she said in a quiet but firm voice.

“I see… Why?”

“How is that relevant?” she replied, testily.

“Well… Is he going to want to be found?”

“I hope so. Otherwise I’ll hate my mother that much more…”

The Importance of Every Cog

The guard leant against the wall.

“What’s the matter… George?” asked another guard, glancing at his badge. He began to walk, and George matched his steps.

“I just… I was told as a kid I could be anything, and yet here I am, a minuscule cog in a colossal machine…”

“I can see that. But look, the world needs cogs on every level. And those at the top need those at the bottom to keep them moving.”

“I guess that’s true… Wait, this isn’t my route.” George said, confused.

“No, it’s not.” said the spy as he slit George’s throat.

Life To Engage

Life is nothing but a quiet, empty stage.

Waiting for words read from an endless script page.

Although all we want is to perform and upstage,

True power comes from being alone, backstage.

No matter how much you rant or you rage,

No matter how much you rattle your cage,

The power to control, enlarge or assuage,

Is only obtained by those who are sage.

For pulling the strings of those onstage

Gives you much more than mere minimum wage.

True power lies in those who remain dark offstage.

But, you’re also more liable to get stabbed in the ribcage.

The Problems With Divine Rule

The young King strolled into the dining chamber, idly cleaning his fingernails with a dagger.

“Thank you for joining us, My Lord. I am sure training delayed you.” The Will of the King said coldly. He turned to the long table, covered in scrolls and huge family trees.

“As you no doubt recall from our last conversation, it has come time to select your future bride from the list of suitable candidates.”

“I just want someone warm for my bed.”

“Why not marry your dog then?” The Will said testily.

“Can I?”

“…

Technically as King you could-“

“Right, done!”