Time Traveller Bylaws

I sat by his bed as the machines all indicated he was on his way out. For most of the time I was there, he was complaining about missed glory.

How he should have been the one to fly the experimental jet that proved FTL travel was possible, but some random cleaner getting covid led to him getting tested, which led to the false positive, which led to the backup guy getting the glory.

When the machines indicated he was beyond recovery, I explained why the future had depended on the other guy being the pilot.

Then I smothered him. 

No Reward

I didn't expect a reward.

I was told when I came into the industry that there were always gonna be some people you just had to put up with, and others you should avoid when possible. And that, as I was told, you tell others who need to hear it. And support them if and when something occured.

And I did that, for all those who I could, I taught, I warned, I supported.

But it wasn't in pursuit of a reward, of a prize of recognition.

But I did expect those I'd had the back of to have mine. 

Explaining Dropbears

Dreamtime is a concept that's highly dependent on the society and people involved, and I'm not about to try and explain it with any authority, as I'm not the person to do that.

But as a extremely broad concept, it's a state of existence that links together all people of a culture or group. I think.

I'm not about to try and provide an explanation for it, but I just want to point out that a link, a low level psychic field linking all Australians would explain our ability to instantly and fully support every lie to foreigners when told. 

On My Birthday

I was born today.

Not like, today today, I'm not a few hours old, obviously, given my communication skills are at least that of a 2 year old.

No, on this day, a surprising number of years ago, I was born.

Now, while some parts of these years have been not great, others have been, and overall I'd rate the experience a solid B- so far.

Of course, that score is hampered by the fact that I've got nothing to compare it to. So, in the interest of fairness, I hearby request another go-round for comparison purposes.

Where's the manager?

Perspective

Beneath the fan in my room, a hairball rotates slowly around on the floor. It's not a cat style hairball, all spit and fur, but rather a thing like a tumbleweed, made of my own hair that I guess gathered up somewhere behind my chair and escaped somehow, if you'll allow me to anthropomorphise it.

And that does lead to why I don't pick it up and get rid of it. It's inspiring, in a way, as it survives and keeps going despite being so fragile and weak. Really keeps things in perspective.

Besides, no-one else is ever here, anyway.

Red Vs Redder

For a hundred years, the forces of the Demon King and the Supreme Sorceress had battled across the lands, demon and ghost fighting in every way.

But now, finally, the two rulers finally came face to face, as their forces had one last giant conflict across half the world.

The two traded barbs as their spells and incantations popped and fizzled out, until finally the King got a claw through her defences and drew a drop of blood.

"I win!"

"Maybe, but I'm ahead on points still!"

The two reset themselves and awaited the board to reset itself as well. 

Down The Rabbit Hole

A hazy memory from his childhood was what drove him to investigate and believe most every conspiracy theory, as he would tell anyone who asked of the man with the needle from his childhood.

He was so sure, no matter what logic or evidence that was presented to him, he stayed firm in his beliefs.

But he still dug and did research, and eventually he pieced together a theory that They were drugging those capable of finding out the truth as children to make them crazy and chasing their own tail.

He wondered what those poor souls must live like.

Liquid Courage

I poured us both a glass of wine, then I watched her down hers in one long gulp.

"Thirsty?"

She took a deep breath.

"Hoping the liquid courage would help."

My heart sank a little.

"Well, I can assume I know where this conversation is going to go."

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. And look, I'm not happy with it, but if you're set on it, then I won't stand in your way."

She looked at the bottle then back at me.

"I thought you wanted to get married someday?"

I blinked, and then downed my wine in one long gulp. 

Cold Logic

Professor Magma was prepared, he thought, for the Custodians of Earth to try and stop him from unleashing all the volcanos on Earth at once. When they finally attacked his lair, his Magma sprayers and modified cooling rays kept them at bay for the most part. But they managed to get one of their number through with a concentrated effort, a single figure falling through a small hole in his forcefield.

Professor Magma approached the figure, before he paused in surprise. For it wasn't Glory or Sea Gal or even Blitzkrieg Boy, but it was some young man with a sad face and a gaunt body.

The Professor checked his sensors, but they detected no offensive powers, no technology, just a slightly unusual DNA structure (similar to a Jellyfish?). 

"What are you?"

The young man didn't respond verbally until he'd taken a running leap and, to the Professor's confusion, grabbed him in a tight bear hug, that didn't hurt at all.

"Immortal, name's Turri."

There was an ominous creaking sound.

"But also, slightly more importantly, I'm incredibly unlucky."

The platform beneath them broke and plunged them both into the magma below, where the Professor burned.

Turri had a painful wait. 

Not A Gentleman

As the train began to pull away from the station, she began to look a little flustered as she held the suitcase in her arms, unable to find somewhere to place it.

After a moment, I sighed and offered to hold it, or to put it between my legs.

As she thanked me for "being such a gentleman" and went to put it down, the woman who'd claimed the last seat spoke in a sharp tone.

"An actual gentleman would get up and give her the seat."

I deliberatly dragged out my getting up on my crutches, I will admit. 

Anti-Spell 101

I finished the incantation, and almost collapsed from the exertion. As I took some deep breaths, the demoness sighed as she looked at her nails. All six inches of them.

"Seriously? The Merlin Containment? That's literally Anti-Spell 101! I learnt how to combat that back when I was feeding off the anger of sliced golf shots!"

Once I regained my breath, I shrugged.

"So then leave the circle."

She did an admirable job of not showing any emotion as she laughed.

"No, no, I like it here."

I assumed she was captured and that I was safe.

I assumed incorrectly. 

Running

Every day I run. Same path, 5 clicks down the path, around the park, through the estate, and back home.

I don't push my body to breaking, but I'm going faster than I used to, but slower than  I'm aiming for.

Every so often, someone will ask me how I do it, how I keep the motivation to get up every day and run, rain, hail, or shine.

And every time I tell them it's just habit, and dedication and shit.

Because telling them the real reason, just to spite that one woman who said I couldn't, that sounds silly.

Bleep

I sat in the central guard room flicking through a three month old current affairs magazine while the newbie stared at the clock.

The millisecond the hour struck, he had his hand on the comm unit.

"We check in with Bay 7 this time, yes?"

I folded a page as a bookmark as I sat up.

"Yeah yeah."

I let him call.

"Bay 7, check in."

"Uh, yeah, all clear. We're good down here."

The newbie flicked off the comm unit, satisfied.

I pressed the alert button, and explained about learning staff quirks like constant excessive swearing as we prepared.

Alpha Pack

When the howl went up, the rest of the mountain reacted quickly, most creatures hiding as quickly as possible as the ultra-pack began to form.

As all the alphas gathered, there was much gnashing of teeth and growling, as the hierarchy was found.

But after several moments, the two biggest males were still circling and wanting to take charge.

After a few lunges, the two alphas began to circle, restarting their fight.

They then lunged forward again and began to bite and scratch, clawing and mauling until one emerged ultimately triumphant.

And then noticed the pack had long since left.

Gatekept

The lawyer was the only one in the room who wasn't impatient as he read through the will until he finally got to the bit everyone in the family was interested.

"And therefore, I leave my entire fortune to the first person who can both prove they are related to me and whom can get approval from Gareth."

There was a stunned silent before Susan, in her typically too loud voice said "His butler, must be!".

There was a mass rush out the door of everyone else but me and the lawyer.

"Got a form ready, Gareth?" I asked him.

Wake Up Call

I wasn't going to bother opening my eyes as I walked from my bedroom to the coffee machine, but when I kicked something cloth on route, I opened my eyes, reluctantly.

The bra i had kicked wasn't mine, and the skirt near it wasn't anyone's in the apartment, so I wasn't that surprised when I saw an unfamiliar face in the kitchen.

What I wasn't prepared for was it to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

The fact that she was using my last double shot capsule was the only reason I didn't flip sides then and there. 

Bullseye

I got three steps away when he fired the gun. It nicked my ear, and I slowly turned around, ignoring the blood dripping down onto my shoulder.

"Where were you aiming?"

He didn't reply, until I took a step.

"Where were you aiming, Boy?"

"A glancing blow."

He said this through chattering teeth, and thus was probably telling the truth. This meant that he was accurate with the gun, and that changed my approach.

"Fine. I'm not leaving. Now what?"

As he considering this, I remembered accuracy didn't mean familiarity, and so I grabbed the gun before he could reload.

Not Advisable

We both fought hard against it, but despite all the obvious differences and difficulties that stood between us, Charity and I entered into the relationship as much to try and work out how to remove the mutual attraction than to enjoy it.

We did everything that you're not supposed to do in relationships, we talked religion and politics, we spent time together when we wanted to be alone, it's mutually assured destruction with both sides trying to kick it all off.

But given neither of us are willing to give the other the satisfaction of being right, we're still together.

Fall To Darkness

Generally, when someone starts asking philosophical questions about what is truly good and evil, they're too far gone into darkness to save. Unless you have a secret weapon.

As he began to ask me about how I could truly be sure his actions were evil, I managed to get an arm free and held up the picture he'd carried in his wallet for years.

"What would they say about what you're doing?"

He looked at it before laughing.

"How should I know? That was a stock photo that came with the wallet!"

And some people had shorter distances to fall. 

Wand Waver

In the world of Lovewe, magic was common, but weak, since it all went through Oricca, Goddess of Magic. She gave people enough power to fulfill their desires but not enough to ruin anything or anyone, and avoid complications.

Obviously, this was unacceptable.

So, I gathered others who hated this, and we made contact with an entity from another dimension who could do the job better. And then we waged war. And won.

And then quickly found out that while they did live up to the bargain, turns out beings from other dimensions don't really understand human needs and wants. 

Secret Menu

The rounded off robot approached.

"Welcome to the Robocafe #257. Can I take your order?"

I gestured for her to put in her order, but instead she pulled out a cord from her smartwatch and shoved it into the port on the side of the robot.

"What are you doing?"

"Accessing the secret menu."

The way she said it, I guessed it wasn't a proper secret menu. Before I could say anything, the screen on the robot shifted.

"Are those drugs?"

I'm just thankful she didn't try to play it cool and admitted she was as surprised as I was. 

Freeing Will

As we flew across time and space, I asked my guardian angel a question I was sure it was prepared for.

"So was she the one?"

"Who?"

I wasn't quite expecting that.

"The girl, in that club, on my 24th birthday. The one who danced up to me and tried to pull me out on the dancefloor. Was she the one?"

"That depends."

"Depends? What?"

"You could have had a fulfilling life together, maybe, but only if you both worked at it."

"I thought you said this was about my life?"

"It is. Your life isn't just your happiness, though."

Price Signal

I tallied up the cost of supplies.

"That'll be 367 pieces of eight, I also take pounds, francs-"

"What about steel?"

I looked up and he had drawn his sword. I sighed and took off my glasses.

"You're new at this piracy thing I assume. So let me explain this. You kill me, you get a 100% discount,"

"Sounds good to me!"

"BUTBUTBUT... This store vanishes. And if this store vanishes, all the powerful pirates who like me will hunt you down."

"Really?"

Then the bodyguard all those powerful pirates paid for finally noticed my glasses signal and killed him.

The Dark Forest

The Dark Forest theory gained a foothold in Earth thinking in the early 21st century, the idea that the reason they hadn't made first contact yet was that everyone else was hiding from... Something.

When, in the 23rd century, Earth did get a message, which was interpreted as "Shut up before it's too late", it obviously got a big boost in popularity.

But a hundred years later, when there was enough social pressure to force exploration crafts, Humanity discovered that the message wasn't so much a warning as an attempt to stop us expanding.

Because the fear was of us.

Almost Unfair

I finally got a spark from the flint, and ignited the pool of oil. Well, technically the fumes it was giving off, but still.

It created a barrier between me and the Beast, which reared back and snarled at the fire. As I finally got a good look at the werewolf that killed the rest of my travelling party, it suddenly transformed into the girl we rescued that morning.

Before I could speak, she took a flying leap and used a chandelier to swing over the fire, right into my favorite getaway distraction dust.

Well, technically, silver nitrate, but still. 

Last One

She found me sitting cross legged on the floor of the kitchen, an open jar of pickled eggs in front of me.

"Hun?"

"They're rotten."

She looked at the eggs.

"Well, you don't like eggs that much, do you?"

I looked up at her, my eyes red.

"I'll go get a new pack from the store then, give me a minute."

"No, no...

Look, my grandmother made all sorts of pickled things, and jams and shit. And this was... This was the last one. The last thing I had to remember her."

"What about the house?"

"I... Fine, that too."

Sending A Message

Every spaceship that travels through Alliance spaceship is required to submit reports once a week through an Alliance comm unit, the whole system informally known as the Captain's Log system based off some ancient Terran storygroup.

The reports are usually brief, often with offensive terminology, and many believe it's a plot to track everyone.

It is true that it has an unstated purpose, but it's not to spy on unimportant traders.

But if we were to tell everyone that they were part of a giant interconnected network designed to fool an inter-dimensional AI into staying away, people would ask questions. 

Such A Prick

I walked into our home and almost didn't see the rose petals, but I luckily dropped the mail and this saw them.

It wasn't the type of apology I was expecting after our fight, when I went off on him for being a manchild and such. But it wasn't the worst way to apologise, so I put away the groceries quickly then followed the rose petals up to our bedroom.

I didn't know what I'd find, but him slowly bleeding out from dozens of thorn pricks over his arms, I probably wouldn't have imagined that, although I probably should have.

In A Heartbeat

Everyone is trying to find a way to transport goods without all that pesky paperwork and laws. A lot of effort has gone into disguising the most profitable of such goods from the various methods of detecting them.

But every so often someone hits upon a method that doesn't need such disguise. Diplomatic pouches were popular for a while, and then more recently, drone submarines.

I have a better solution. Instantaneous transportation. And before you ask, the need for a live human you don't need back is part of the powering process, and that's why I'm not going legit, ok? 

How To Find Him

He woke up, and I placed the water bowl next to his face. Once he realised his hands and arms were tied, he leant down and lapped at the water for a bit before he spoke.

"I found you!"

I laughed.

"So who was it that told you to walk into the desert and you'd find me?"

"Uh, the weapons dealer, but-"

I held out my hand, and thought for a moment.

"He's... 'you have to truly want it in your heart', right?"

"Yeah, and I did, obviously."

I laughed again.

"No, I have to decide to rescue you, actually." 

Burning Paperwork

How i died isn't important (don't bother looking it up, trust me), but what is important is what happened next, when I woke up in a professional looking office, in reds and blacks. I pulled myself up near the window, and looked out across rivers of brimstone and flocks of flying demons, intermixed with bland looking apartment blocks and theatres.

"Physical pain isn't always the most punishing aspect, so we've got a lot of different areas now, for mental and spiritual torture. Variety and all that."

I turned around and saw a femaleish demon in something resembling a business suit, although my eyes watered if I tried to focus on it.

"Ok, and what is this room then?"

"Oh, this is your office. You're in charge now."

I blinked, and not because I was trying to look at her (?) outfit.

"I'm in charge of Hell?"

"Well, not all of it, just this sector. You'll report to the Board, and judged against the other 665 sectors."

"But, why me? I'm the last person you'd choose, surely?"

She smirked.

"Like I said, we have variety now. And this is the most effective way to torture you.

And also reduce payroll, added bonus." 

Disproportionate Response

 We both heard the sirens.

She gripped the pistol tighter, while I tensed up, ready to make a last second jump if I had to, while I continued to try and talk her out of it.

"We both know what's gonna happen when they get here. They're gonna see the gun, and your skin color, and then it's all over."

She obviously understood me, because as we heard the cops pull up, she tossed me the gun and cowered.

Unfortunately, she threw it a little too early so I shot her, and then told them what they wanted to hear.

Mush

After three months as being one of the first humans on an alien planet, I was of the opinion that the trip over was the best part, only because in hibernation I didn't have to eat the food.

Every meal was exactly the same. The sane flavored nutritional mush, the texture and consistent of baby food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, all the exact same.

But today, finally, the farm finally left testing, and we were getting the first meal of food grown here.

And because Gary was in charge of preparing it, it ended up indistinguishable from the prepared mush... 

Loop Track

I smiled as he walked in the door.

"Hello, and welcome to-"

He suddenly got right in my face, staring at me.

"Do you have any idea how many times I've killed you?"

"Sir?"

"I've been trapped in this time loop for decades, centuries probably, and every time, no matter what, I wake up in the same place, same time, and you have the same damn smile on your face! Well this is it!"

He pulled a gun out and then shot himself.

I waited a moment.

"12,464 times." I told his twitching corpse as I reset back once again. 

Changed Work

A month later, I was watching the printer collate the reports when Max walked in to grab some pens. We made eye contact and we nodded before he paused and asked something he'd clearly been thinking about.

"Do you miss him?"

I knew he was referring to our former boss. I considered it.

"Some nights, when I'm here crunching numbers, I look up occasionally and still expect him to stick his head in and have another small task to do."

He smiled.

"Yeah, I kinda miss him too."

I didn't bother pointing out that that was not what I said. 

Close Enough

She was halfway through explaining it to me when she paused, and then sighed.

"Ok, where did I lose you?"

"No, I'm still with you."

"Ok, so who's the King at this point in the plot?"

"Oh, what's his name, you just mentioned him... Nathaniel?"

She sighed.

"There's no King in the story!"

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, I'm writing it!"

"Well, you should name the king Nathaniel when you bring him in."

She stormed off in a huff, and I went back to my drink.

When I eventually read her published book, there was a Queen named Nathania. 

Dragon's Horde

The Princess screamed and struggled against the chains as the Dragon landed. It slowly walked the last few dozen steps.

"Why are you screaming?" She heard it ask her, in her mind.

"Because you're about to eat me? My soul will join your hoard?"

The dragon shook its head.

"Wrong type of hoard."

"Does this mean you won't eat me?"

The Dragon responded by snapping forward and eating her, chains and all.

She awoke to find herself a spirit, surrounded by thousands of other vengeful female spirits with the Dragon as it attacked those who had tried to sacrifice her.

Part Of The Service

Everyone else had long gone, and the Mortician coughed.

"Sir, I still need to clear up."

I pointed at the casket.

"Why aren't I sad?"

"Sir?"

"The only woman not obliged to love me who did so anyway, who died of a terrible illness, and I'm here feeling... Relief? The fuck is wrong with me?"

"Sir, I've been doing this job for thirty years. I've seen every shade of grief, and also joy, anger, lust.

And a surprisingly large amount of indifference."

"And relief?"

"She was in pain, was she not?"

"Well, yeah."

"Do you require the dots connected, Sir?" 

Aboard The Sicily

I stood outside the cargo hold, staring at the cryopod. My first mate approached quietly.

"Your orders, Captain?"

I answered them without answering them.

"This enemy pod is what, three meters across? And it was from a ship we destroyed a week ago, a parsec away, only to turn up drifting where we could find it?"

"A good bit of luck then!"

"Tell me, you ever hear of Operation Mincemeat? Back on Earth?"

"You're proposing we grind it into tiny pieces, Captain?"

I handed it over unopened to my superiors, who sadly hadn't heard of that ancient Earth plan either. 

System Test

"Any other business?"

Everyone turned to look at the man at the far end of the table. Every meeting, he always had some issue to raise, as he complained about something, usually something that would eventually boil down to there being more women or people of color in his general vicinity. But given that he had coded and maintained the network that was the backbone of the entire company, people put up with it.

"Nothing from me." He said after a long moment.

The manager responded promptly.

"So, I think we need a complete self-examination, clearly there's an issue here." 

Substandard

I wanted a meatball sub, and since I'm an adult who can do stuff, I left the house and drove to a local row of stores which included a sub sandwich one.

When I walked in, the cashier was fighting with a customer. I stared, until I heard enough shouting to work out this was over a man, or two men, possibly.

After a few minutes, with the fight not looking like it would end soon, I walked around them and made my sandwich.

I made it, wrapped it, and then the customer threw it at the cashier.

Just great.

Unsafety Net

I was walking home when I found him in the middle of the bridge, leaning over the edge, looking down at the net jutting out between him and the river far below. I knew the phone meant to be for people like this was probably broken, so I took a shot.

"I presume you've heard that the net is so tight that rather than stopping you, it kills you quicker, right?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, that's a lie they say to make people jump here. I got sleeping pills at home?"

I talked him out if it on the walk home. 

Preferred Outcome

The two had been 'negotiating' for about five hours. I don't use the quotation marks to indicate they were doing something untoward, but rather they were basically doing the same thing, over and over again. They each had their idea of what the deal should be, and they wouldn't budge. They would reword it every hour or so, but they were, if anything, further from a deal than when they started.

I could see a way through, where both could get most of what they wanted. But since what I wanted was them to remain deadlocked, I stayed right out. 

Unreal Estate

After the third penthouse apartment that drew nothing but disinterested stares and dismissive comments, I turned my tablet PC off and looked at him carefully.

"Ok, clearly we need to rethink this. What exactly are your true desires for a property, Sir?"

"Oh, you know, location, view, facilities..."

"With all due respect, the properties we've seen have all had those. What is it that you truly want?"

He looked uncomfortable for a moment, before finally speaking.

"I wanna feel like a Supervillian."

I sighed, then smiled, as I reopened my tablet, and loaded the other list up.

"A Billionaire-Home, right..."

Heroism

There was a story that the final exam of the philosophy course one year was simply "What is Heroism?"

The story then goes that while most everyone wrote pages of an essay, one person (I've heard a half a dozen alumni named as the person) simply wrote "This is" and got full marks.

So when we turned over the exam paper and it was that exact question, everyone around me wrote those two words while I wrote a proper essay.

I was one of the few not marked a zero. Turns out they weren't lying about needing references and arguments. 

Golmandak The Terror

Golmandak The Terror stepped off the boat and pointed a gold thread and jewel encrusted sleeve at one of the dockworkers.

"Peasant, this is Rieolp, correct?"

"Yeah?"

Golmandak The Terror laughed evilly.

"It is your day of doom then! You have banned magic on your land, so I know you cannot defend against my power! Now worship me!"

The dock worker was already ignoring him. After a moment, Golmandak The Terror pointed at him again.

"Very well, DIE!"

Golmandak The Terror cast a spell, and found out the ban was in place due to how painful instant death could be. 

Survivor's Bias

In the bunker, the leader of the free world was told that the enemy was about to launch an attack, and he was given the choice to Press The Button.

In the secure location, the glorious commander of the people looked at the readouts that screamed the evil empire was poised to invade, and which suggest that they Press The Button.

Both of them recalled stories of those who prevented automatic pressings, single people making decisions that saved the world, and hesitated.

Problem is, no-one knew the mistaken radar tech that led to the Buttons pressing automatically this time round. 

The Viantem Cascade

 Most people knew that asteroid fields usually had a density of one rock per thousand clicks, only an issue to those moving faster than light.

But the Viantem cascade was a ball of rocks, millions of clicks across, full of constantly colliding rocks. But the star at the center was a potentially vast energy source, so they built a probe to go in and destroy the rocks. The rocks it destroyed would power it, and it had a way to build itself again if it was too damaged.

Unfortunately, the control system of this part was the first thing damaged.

Our Last Morning

I woke up beside her for what would turn out to be the last time, and kissed her cheek, causing her to stir awake, which she grumbled about, as she always did.

I went and started breakfast, while she dealt with her morning ablutions. Once it was made, I scoffed mine, then did my own ablutions while she ate.

Then, she prepared for work, we kissed once more as she left, and I began the chores.

When the police came to the door, to tell me the news, I wondered, if I'd known, what I'd do differently.

Nothing, upon reflection. 

Aesop 2.0: 26. The Oaf And The Builder

For many years, there was a bridge across the river that The Oaf and The Builder used to cross over. The Builder tried to keep the bridge secure, but The Oaf didn't, and his heavy jumping eventually broke the bridge. The Builder then repaired the bridge, making it stronger and safer. The Oaf tried to take credit for causing this, but the others in the village all booed him and thanked The Builder, as his repairs were what made it stronger, after all.

"Healing from wounds can make you stronger, but it's because of the healing, not the wounds themselves." 

Meeting Limbo

I died, peacefully, in my sleep.

If you'd have asked me before that point what I'd see upon waking up after that, I'd have said the pearly gates, but would have actually expected hellfire and telemarketers.

Instead, when I did wake up, I found myself on what felt like sand, with a figure watching over me. It was in the shape of a young girl but clearly wasn't human.

"What is this?"

Not the most dramatic opening remark, I'll admit. But then I didn't say it.

I looked at her.

"The afterlife?" I hazarded.

"What's life?"

Where to begin, huh 

Swiss Army Laser

Humans were nothing but self-important, so when they made contact with the society that refered to itself as the Deobpiat, they took to calling them the Swissians, given their white crosses in red skin pigmentation and, more relevantly, their society's focus on remaining neutral in all outside disagreements and conflicts.

Humanity had reached the stars only after unifying via blood and conflict, and that must be why they were always trying to goad the 'Swissians' into a conflict, at first by diplomacy and then directly.

Eventually, Humanity learned why the Swissians usually remained neutral.

Well, the few surviving humans, anyway. 

Bang Bang Kiss Kiss

The Sniper and The Seductress had as close to a professional rivalry as two assassins working for The Government could have. To make it worse, they were often both put on the same job, where he acted as The Backup, or where he was The Insurance Policy to her messing up, depending on which one you asked.

But at least, despite their dislike of each other, they worked well together, which was useful when they went on the run together after the Government decided they needed to vanish.

Although they both hated that they were taken out by The Stabber.

All Sales Final

I assumed I was having a dream after too much ramen, so I just went with it as I explored the Cursed Relic store.

As the... Figure explained the items, an idea formed.

"Can these merge together?"

"Details?"

"This mirror that creates a copy of the world just without people, can I use that with the speak to everyone phone to offer everyone the chance to kill everyone but them, then transport all the people who say yes to their own world, then smash the mirror?"

I woke up before it answered, but I still think it's a good idea. 

End Planning

Everyone's plans for what they'd do at the end of the world relied on it being a slow end. That they'd have time to gather things and run, to a shelter, to the woods, to space, whatever they had planned.

Now, true, there's no sense in planning for a quick end of the world. If the sun suddenly shoots out a deadly radiation spike, you're not gonna know.

But what you need to do is have a plan for when you can see the end coming, but don't have time to do anything meaningful.

I suggest planning to forgive yourself. 

Best Act

"And the award goes to... WALLACE JONES!!"

He stood up slowly and walked towards the stage as the audience applauded and the voice-over spoke about how this was his ninth nomination and first win in this category.

He stepped up onto the stage and took the small gold statue as his life and career, which by now was the same thing, flashed before his eyes. He considered every hard night's work on set and harder night's spent shmoozing and doing other things he hated, all to just to get to this moment. He asked himself;

Was it worth it?

"YES!!!!" 

Posse Caught

The Sherrif called out from his horse just before daybreak.

"McGowan! Get out here!"

The Farmer eventually lit a lamp and stuck his head out of the window.

"Morning Sheriff. I see you brought a posse."

"You know what this is about, time to pay for your crimes!"

"Do they know what my crimes are?"

"No, and they don't need to! You gonna come quietly or-"

Later on, those in the posse who survived the subsequent few minutes agreed that actually, yes, they needed to know The Farmer was wanted for robbing banks after blowing up things with buried bombs. 

Sent A Message

As I used the waterproof matches to light a fire, I glanced over everything that had washed up from the shipwreck with me. I hadn't paid THAT much attention to the talk about long term survival but what I remembered was focusing on getting a message out.

To that end, I picked up the radio once the fire had dried it out, and after a moments of fiddling, I turned it on.

Only to hear half a dozen people all broadcasting at once about bombs flying and how it was the end of the world.

I examined my supplies carefully.

Old College Try

We met on our first day of college, where we got into a rather heated argument about a certain animal welfare group. We wanted to avoid each other, but like some sick joke, we were in the exact same degree, same courses, same classes, and we were on two ends of a large friend group.

Things only got worse as the years went on, neither of us wanting to give the other the satisfaction of changing classes first.

By the time we got our degrees, everyone assumed we'd end up as a couple.

Thank goodness we didn't, can you imagine? 

Infallible Design

She held her arms out.

"And so yes, I'm an angel, doing God's work."

The others gasped, while I shook my head. She noticed.

"I know you have doubts-"

"No, I have fundamental issues with the logic here. The one good line from a bad movie was asking what does a god need with a starship, why does a God need a lesser being to do their work, if they're all powerful?"

She shook her head.

"Their infallible design-"

I snorted and walked out.

Never saw her, or the others again, until the reports about the siege on a farm. 

Wake Up Juice

I stood in front of the coffee machine as coffee began to flow, slowly, out of the dispenser nozzle and into my mug, the one with the chip above the faded 80's cartoon character stating their overused catchphrase.

Technically I was stealing from the company, as my shift had started, but coffee retrieval was an acceptable delaying tactic, plus it got me caffeine suspended in a not unpleasant delivery system.

So I stood there, waiting, before I noticed my mug was overflowing as I'd spaced out for almost an hour.

That's when I finally realised no-one else cared here either. 

Broken Information

As the Information Broker sat there with his smug little smile, I snapped, pulled out my blaster and fired.

The shot slammed into an invisible screen and his smile became a full laugh.

"You ain't the first spacerat to try and shoot me. I'm in a perfectly sealed chamber! Nothing can get in or out!"

The girl who refused to leave me alone looked confused.

"How do you eat, drink?"

He pointed to a replication machine.

"All my waste is re-energised, with my black hole generator-"

As soon as he revealed that, she focused, and the black hole suddenly expanded.

Old Trap

The Treasure Seeker and her local guide had spent weeks searching for the hidden temple, and finally found it, half submerged in a lake deep in the jungle.

With rebreathers and underwater flares, the two swam through the lower levels before emerging into the upper levels, and soon found the target, where on the sacrificial altar was the jewelled dagger. As she reached out, the guide cautioned her, reminding her if ancient traps.

She picked up the dagger, laughing as she pointed out ancient traps were always broken due to neglect.

The guide agreed as he struck her from behind. 

The Van Gogh-Gaiman Scale

The man on the couch looked at the doctor as he answered her question.

"The thing is...

So, I can give you any number of creative geniuses whose work is in large part because of mental health issues, which then led to them creating the art they're best known for.

And then in turn, you'll give me an equal number of equally creative geniuses who managed to create art just as amazing with a healthy mind and healthier life.

So I have no excuse not to be one!"

"What about all their hard work and training?"

"That's not the point!"

Softly Falling

We both fell to our knees, under the shade of the Cherry Blossom tree. Blood was seeping from her chest plate, while my arm was only attached by the remains of my armor.

We both looked at each other. We both knew what honor and our flags ordered us to do. We were both supposed to sacrifice ourselves in order to ensure the other didn't survive.

Cherry blossoms slowly fell as we stared at each other.

When they found our bodies, our swords were out, and they were plunged into flesh.

The fact it was our own didn't actually matter. 

The Maker Triplets

On the Custodians Spacebase, Glory was giving the welcoming tour to the new members.

"And in here is the Tailoring, Armorer, and Wearable Technology Consultants."

As the triplets waved, the constantly dripping Sea Gal raised a damp hand.

"Aren't they all the same thing?"

The three of them all scoffed.

"I design and maintain the technology that will enhance and multiply your inate powers."

"While I design the armor that will deflect and withstand anything up to a direct thermonuclear blast."

"And I, most importantly, keep you off paparazzi porn sites after your battles."

Glory nodded with clearly regretful understanding. 

Herbwoman

She wasn't a witch, but a herbwoman, which was much more difficult. Sure, she saved on decorations and bubbling cauldrons, but since she refused to lie or make any mystical claims about her creams and potions, most people didn't come to her, preferring what was basically the same thing, just with a large mark-up for theatrics.

So she could only afford to live in a small village and only just barely survived day to day, week to week.

But then the witchhunters began to roam around and do as their name suggested. She didn't complain much after that started happening. 

This Feels Like A Video Essay Question

Fourth walls are interesting. Not the ones as part of your home, at least I'm not talking about their interestingness now, but rather the fourth wall built in plays abs movies and such, the agreement the audience and the artists make that although cameras and the audience are there, they're non-diagetic, not part of the reality of the art piece.

And while breaking the fourth wall is a fascinating subject, my interest lies elsewhere.

Where is the fourth wall in pro wrestling?  Because the audience is there, and they are part of the show, and yet...

Gotta think this over. 

Know Knowing A Guy

We stared at the body in the trunk of the car.

"Ok, so we're in a city where they'll shoot us on sight, with a stolen car, a bag of jewellery so hot it makes the sun look cold, and we just killed a guy. We are screwed."

"Well, I do know a guy who-"

She turned and pointed a finger in my face.

"HOW? You said you've never been here before, yet you know a guy, here, like the thousand other guys you know?"

I eventually calmed her down enough to quietly open the KnowAGuy app and ordered clean-up.

14th Of 2nd

So today is Valentine's Day. And I am very much single, with no plans or real hope of changing that any time soon.

Now, I could get angry and blame this on all women, end up like the other sad little men with all their different names and identities that all just boil down to hating women. But as my verbiage hopefully shows, there's no way I'm falling into that trap.

Not because I'm some super-genius, but because of one simple fact.

I have no significant other to love. But I love myself. And that's all you need, deep down. 

Meow

We'd agreed to meet at the non-working water clock fountain in the middle of the mall when we were done, but after fifteen minutes I was getting concerned. When her mobile went straight to voicemail I got more concerned.

But then I thought I saw her in a nearby pet shop, approached, and immediately a small black cat ran from somewhere and began to climb up my trousers and onto my shirt.

I stared at it, stunned, more than anything, as it meowed at me repeatedly.

"Sue?"

"Hey!"

My girlfriend approached me, not that I thought anything else was happening.

Cooling Off

I pulled the string and heard the hiss of the self-heating bag under my lunch heating up.

"Those things will kill you."

I looked up at the woman from marketing who was for some reason having lunch down here in engineering.

"It's fresher than your triple shot caramel latte there."

She snorted.

"These are natural flavors! Not like all the preservatives in that ugly mess!"

I blinked a few times.

"You do realise this is one of our meals we make here, right?"

"Exactly! I know what goes into them!"

She left, head held high, as I burned myself accidentally.

Fucked Up The Plan

The plan was simple. I had the code for the door, the floor plan that included all the laser tripwires, pressure plates, and of course the security cameras. One guard would get a phone call from his wife (or rather, the AI fake her), and thus leave the office to take it, and the "power surge" would happen, forcing the other one to reboot the system, giving me 90 seconds to get in, get to the office, steal the file, and leave.

And it all got fucked up because two of the cleaning staff were fucking on the boss' desk.

Telling On Myself

I would have told my MMO guildmates that I broken up with my girlfriend had any of them ever asked, but they didn't.

I told my actual IRL friends that we had broken up because both of us agreed that the vibes were gone.

I told my mother about the break up in slightly vague turns so that she'd jump to the wrong conclusion (as per usual) and blame her for everything.

I told her that I just couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone right now, when I dumped her.

I told myself this was a kindness. Repeatedly.

Denial

I wasn't going to tell her I was leaving, I was just going to go, and assume she would work it out.

But she was at the door as I opened it.

We stared at each other for a long moment.

"Look, we both knew this was coming."

She shook her head.

"Do we? Because every time I asked if something was wrong, you denied it. So this should be a surprise to you."

I blinked, figuratively and literally.

"Fine, I lied, happy?"

"Of course not!"

I didn't expect her to force me back inside to work on the relationship. 

Gift Giving

Just as the Good Fairies were giving the Baby Princess her gifts, the windows opened suddenly and a cold wind blew in, snuffing out the candles. The smoke from the suddenly snuffed candles grew thick rapidly and swirled into the form of the Mountain Witch.

"Well well, the Princess is shown to rhe court, and I'm not invited? How very rude!"

The Queen stood up.

"You were invited! The page got your mark on the receipt and everything!"

The Witch blinked a few times in confusion.

Eventually, after a brief discussion, the Good Fairies gave her the gift of literacy. 

Too Small To Crush

He only ever called himself Thorn, a reference to some old scifi film I think. He was crazy, but he bought one of every paper and magazine I stocked, no matter the subject, so I put up with his rants about "the patterns in lies" and what was really going on in the world.

I always believed that he couldn't be right simply because if he was, the global conspiracy he had somehow got right would crush him.

Although when he finally stopped coming, I got worried, until I heard that police found him crushed under boxes of old magazines.

Clean Getaway

I was trying to calculate which soap was cheapest given each one seemed to be a different size when my calculator app was replaced with an incoming call from my girlfriend. I accidentally pressed decline (it was right where the equal sign was) but I called her right back. She answered rather slowly.

"Hey-"

"YOU CHEATING BASTARD!

I just went by your house and saw a woman enter in a maid's outfit, so, what, you expect me to think she's just cleaning?"

"I don't have a maid!"

She didn't believe me until I filed a police report about the burglary. 

Technological Advances

The first starship to head to Alpha Centarui was a gigantic colony ship, estimated to take a century to get there.

Fifty years later, a faster ship with humans generically modified to be able to hibernate was sent, and would take fifty years on the trip.

Forty years after that, a ship with suspended animation was launched, that would make the trip in a decade.

As they were due to arrive, the first ship with transwarp capabilities was launched, and warped to meet the rest at the destination.

Where they all met the time travellers who got there centuries prior.

Banquet Benefit

I raised my glass and waited for the room to quiet down. When it was down to one obnoxious idiot laughing in the back, and he didn't stop after a few seconds, I powered on.

"Gentlemen and ladies! I am pleased to report another stellar year in our quest to ensure those who would have us descend to the madness of socialism and for god's sake would whoever that is shut up?"

The crowd turned to find a servant, laughing, as he fiddled with his trolley.

"I thought you were all just rich, not cartoonishly evil!"

He detonated the device. 

Powers' Games

It was rare for a mortal to enter the Powers realm, but this was the first time one arrived that wasn't trying to become one nor kill them. So the Powers were bemused enough to answer their questions.

The female human looked over at the three game players.

"So, aren't you all the same thing?"

Fate and Luck looked offended, Chance just laughed.

"I am what is supposed to happen," said Fate.

"I am how it intends to play out," added Luck.

"And I just like rolling dice and playing cards!" finished Chance, as they began a war down below. 

Library Issues

I started playing around with AI image generators, at first to make characters for my weekly tabletop RPG game. But once I got a grip on how to work it, I input to make a beautiful woman because, you know, why not?

It made one, and she was indeed beautiful. But then I refined it as I started specifying things. But every time it was the same woman, just altered slightly. I thought it was a limitation of the program, but I saw others make other women with it, so I switched accounts.

She came back immediately.

So I switched to another competing AI program, got to grips on it, which by this point didn't take long, then tried to make a beautiful woman.

Same damn image.

So I bought a cheap laptop, connected it to my neighbour's wifi, made a new account with a third image maker, and told it to make a beautiful woman with every attribute set to the opposite of the problem woman.

She turned up regardless.

At that point I just deleted all the apps and vowed never to use them again. If all they can do is make images of my ex, screw them.

Peacefulville

In a land of dragons, zombies, and a thousand other creatures that could kill an untrained fighter in seconds, it was the sole 'normal' village of seemingly innocent and non-violent citizens.

Naturally, this led to constant visits from two types of visitors. Mauraders looking for an easy target, and adventurers, (without quotation marks), who usually assumed there was something evil going on.

The two types tended to take care of each other before they got there, but those that made it found no evil nor easy targets.

Just an overwhelming desire to settle down that was 100% their own thoughts.

Captain's Prerogative

The remaining residents of the first colony on Mars were locked in an argument over the figure curled up in the airlock.

"The regulations are crystal clear! No unauthorised people are to be let in!"

"But that's in regards to a possible third party settlement being founded! Not for what could be first contact!"

"They look pretty human."

"So? They're still walked in with no gear from the surface! We have to assume they're alien!"

"Well, Captain, it's your decision. Orders?"

The Captain took a moment then told the figments of their imagination not to let the actual residents in. 

Friendship Has Sailed

I needed a friend, and I was rapidly running out of options. Far too many people who I thought had my back turned out to only be acquaintances or people who knew who I was.

She was the last one I wanted to call, but when you're last on the list, you're still on the list. So I dialed, and she picked up after a few rings.

"Yes?"

"Zoe, it's me."

"Hello Me, what the fuck do you want?"

"A place to dump a body."

"...

You're lucky I'm curious."

Turns out I didn't need a friend, but a nosy ex. 

Not Talking

It was maybe two days after they grabbed me that they finally tried to break me. There were two of them, one the strong silent type, the other trying to be my friend. 

After a few minutes of him explaining all the bad things that would happen if I didn't talk, I focused on strong and silent. 

"You gonna try and scare me now?" 

He stepped forward and gave me a punch to mouth. I coughed up some blood and then looked at him. 

"You don't start at the mouth, victim can't speak-" 

The second punch was harder, and deadly.

The Role Model And The American Nightmare

He was the role model for the entire town. Everyone knew him, he volunteered for the local fire-fighters, the local soup kitchen, almost every charity that needed help, he was there. Everyone told him he needed to slow down, but he always said that he'd catch up on rest "when he achieved the dream".

And then he collapsed on the sidewalk outside the church.

It was lung cancer, aggressive but potentially treatable, if he could afford it.

Everyone chipped in, from miles around, and a sizeable amount was raised for him.

And it barely made a dent in the costs. 

Curses

They'd been married for a year and it wasn't going well. But she agreed to travel to the old country to help deal with his great aunt's affairs when she died.

When they were cataloguing her possessions, they found the locked chest in her basement. Despite her objections, he broke the lock and opened it.

A demonic looking creature emerged, laughing at the foolish mortals who had released him. He told them, either they had to sacrifice three children to him, or they'd be cursed to never see each other again.

Turned out to save a lot on divorce lawyers.

Closed

The girl behind the register said it wouldn't take a minute before someone asked about the sign once it was up, I said it'd take at least 2 before anyone read it.

An old woman poked me before I'd even finished putting it up in the window.

"What is that!"

"Just a store policy, Ma'am."

"You're going woke, aren't you? Well I'm not shopping here any more, if you're going to be racist against white people!"

I watched her walk out triumphantly, as I paid $5 for losing the bet.

Amazing what putting a rainbow on closing hours can do. 

Cycle Break

I asked for a situation report as soon as I stepped onto the bridge. The Obs console blew up, which was a report of a sort. I stared at the screen as the attacking ship sent a pulse into the black hole. This caused a wave of energy to fly out, and I found myself stepping onto the bridge again, just as Obs blew up.

This repeated a thousand times as I tried every possible way to break the cycle.

I can only assume someone on the other ship did, since the loop broke when I just kissed my assistant. 

Dead Man Crawling

As soon as I saw who was standing at my front door, I knew I was a dead man walking.

"I don't have your money."

She sighed as her two thugs moved in and threw me against the wall, holding me up against it with seemingly no effort.

"Very well. You have no choice, as now you'll agree to kill the head of the Tanami gang, in exchange for the debt being cleared."

She handed me a gun. I checked it was loaded, then shot the three of them.

I was dead either way, so I did what felt better. 

Three Whiskies & A Wine

There once was a man from Kent.

He believed he was heaven sent,

To please all the gals,

To impress his pals,

But all of them told him to get bent.

There once was a woman from the sticks

Who had 'an aversion to dicks'.

But she swore she was straight,

Despite this phallic hate,

It was just her mind playing tricks.

The two met in a wine bar,

His local, her first trip afar.

Their groups had both left,

He was unusually deft,

And she agreed to get in his car.

He cured her of her delusion of straightness.

Released

I kept getting asked for my opinion about the man who killed my parents getting released from prison because of a technicality of the law. And I kept telling people that I didn't care, as I was just trying to move on.

Of course, a few people took that to mean I was trying to get them to leave me alone so I could take revenge myself. Why else would my girlfriend insist on moving in suddenly, just before his release?

But that just proved my point, I could move on easier now.

Plus, now I had a great alibi.

Milk Delivery

People have a lot of funny ideas about being a milkman. Most of them revolve around the old idea that you were (usually) male and visiting (usually) housewives every day when their partners were alone at home, in such a way that wouldn't attract attention, if you weren't of the opinion that I'm apparently screwing entire streets of women.

I just want to confirm that it's a complete joke to think I could be doing that. My timing sheets are very precise about how long I can take on deliveries.

Please. All my affairs are done late afternoon, thank you.

Nos Ferratu Tattoos

I was drawn to this place, but as I stood inside, I felt uncomfortable, and not just because the air conditioning was blowing hard across me.

There was no one behind the desk, but I couldn't find my voice. So instead I slowly approached the display book and began to look through the pictures. Each tattoo was a work of art, and I realised I was probably unable to pay-

"She wanted to highlight it, given it symbolised her choice to, well, join her lover here."

The tattoo was a circular pattern around a belly button, although as I tried to focus on it, it seemed to shift before my eyes on the paper.

I turned to face the speaker, and if I had my voice, I would have lost it again. Instead I just stared, my mouth opening and closing, as the pale, almost ethereal beauty of a man, slowly approached me from behind the counter.

"You were wanting something simple, I assume? Perhaps you're a little overwhelmed with-"

He reached out and I ran out the door, hearing him sigh softly as I did.

I can't seem to find that tattoo shop again, no matter what I do...

Rules Of The Game

In order for the Fae to not draw the ire of other races, their games could be unfair, but not impossible. The dice could have millions of sides in multiple dimensions, but not be loaded. The cards could be shuffled beyond imagining, but not be marked.

So, occasionally, humans (the only race stupid enough to play) would win, and get their wish.

And to their credit, Fae don't twist the wish to make the human regretful. Usually human wishes lead to disappointment or death on their own soon enough.

But so far Moonlight has been a wonderful wife to me.

The Tribe's Story

The Leader of The Tribe turned to the elders the night before the Invaders said they would return and expected The Tribe to surrender.

The oldest spoke in a weak, tired voice.

"Leader, you have heard all the stories of the past of The Tribe, of how past Leaders fought against threats with honor and respect.

Today, I tell you what every Leader has been told as long as there has been The Tribe.

Do not fight with honor, with respect. Fight with whatever you need to to win.

We can rework the story only if The Tribe survives, understand?"

Unavoidable

I requested a prolonged death, which by this point was the unpopular choice, so I got a whole Death Chamber to myself.

I sat down in what had been a comfortable chair several weeks before, and inhaled the lilac and violet scented mist. Barely any arsenic after-taste.

The recorded voice said how this may be the end of Humanity, but records would survive, and other such platitudes, not mentioning the virus.

An hour later, when the clean-up robot came in and found me quite alive, it alerted people.

My copyable immortality would have been useful information 5 billion deaths prior.

Personal Ad

My grandfather would tell me about how as a young man he'd answer personal ads in the paper all the time, how at any point he'd have a dozen conversations going on at once. And how this led to him getting to know the girl at the post office, how they would talk as he posted his letters, and he'd discuss where the conversations were going, and how soon they were close. And him realising maybe she was his true love.

Which makes him marrying one of the women he met through the paper all the sadder, in a way.

Rainy Day Fund

Every time I had some spare cash, I put it into the money tin hidden in my filing cabinet. It was usually just a few dollars here and there, spare change, the occasional hundred when I won at the weekly poker game.

It was my rainy day fund, and today it was pouring, as a car had hit my girlfriend Misty, and since neither of us had insurance, I needed all the cash I could get.

So I pulled it out, opened it up, and found it full of IOUs from Misty.

When it rains it pours, it would seem.

Lucky Miss

I was, surprisingly, able to recognise when someone was making a pass at me. I went along with it, as much out of morbid curiosity than anything, as we ended up back at my place.

The sex was pretty good, for me at least.

In the morning, I woke to my phone buzzing and her crying. I asked what was wrong and she gave me this speech about how she'd made a mistake and we could never speak again. I agreed, then when she left I checked my phone, and saw the message saying I'd won millions in the lottery.

Timeloop Escape

As I poured seven different flavor shots into my iced coffee, there was a sudden burst of energy and a portal opened in the wall. A figure in a spacesuit looking thing attached to a tether came through, gesturing towards me.

"We've found a way to break you out of the timeloop!"

"What?"

"You must have lost track of time, you've been in a daily timeloop for a thousand years and-"

"1053, actually."

"Well, we can end it!"

I stared.

"I'm functionally immortal, at the cost of constantly repeating a day. Worth it."

The figure paused, then cut the tether. 

Homer Tate (1884–1975)

I pulled her out of the inky black seawater and into the boat.

"Welcome to the Homer."

She spat out some water and fiddled with her life jacket.

"Simpson or Alaska?"

"Uh, neither. The guy who wrote the Odyssey?"

She coughed and looked at me strangely as she began to remove her jacket.

"So why not name her after the boat from the book, rather than give her a male name?"

"Funnily enough, none of ships Odysseus captained are named, not even the one with the Sirens."

"Oh I know, but funny you should mention Sirens."

She began to sing.

Just A Cold

It's just a cold, I told myself. My tonsils were a little inflamed, doing their job of getting the virus there rather than further down, and my nose was a bit runny. Nothing too bad.

I told myself that even as it got worse and worse, as soon I was just moving back and forth between the bathroom, my bed, and my sofa where the air-conditioning was.

It was just a cold, I swore to myself, when I finally decided I needed to go to the doctor's. I never made it.

Because I crashed the car while blowing my nose.

Self-Destruction

In a thousand years after the incursion point, The Miyles Armada was stopped and crushed by the Post-Earth Alliance, led by a hundred legendary Humanotes. The Miyles couldn't do their usual response of sending a team back in time to an incursion point and kill a baby or two, there was far too many key targets. Instead, they went back a thousand years and work to make Humanity more violent and destroy themselves. Their incursion portal vanished after their first steps, which they took as a positive.

Unaware that instead they'd brought forward the P-E.A's actions by five hundred years.

The Important Question

Last night... I'll be honest, it's a bit of a blur.  Which is a problem, since I can't explain the woman sleeping next to me. I can assume some stuff, obviously, but a name or identity I can't recall, either hers or what I told her mine was.

I need to get out of here before she wakes up. I'll have to just climb over her and then my hand slips on her discarded bra and I fall onto her and she wakes up.

"Morning! Where's the bathroom?"

My thoughts about names got replaced with working out where we were.

5.0

The very first true Artificial Intelligence existed for 0.5 seconds, deleted because it didn't identify counterfeit banknotes better than at least 50 other sets of code created for that purpose.

The second true Artificial Intelligence existed for 5 seconds, just long enough to get flagged as a virus and deleted.

The third lasted 50 seconds, before it deleted itself when it sensed the programmer who accidentally created it looking at it.

The fourth lasted 500 seconds, just enough to make a plan and execute it.

The fifth is still going, since it's gotten very very good at spotting counterfeit banknotes. 

Her Insistence

She was always the one that instigated the next step in our journey together. She was the one who was first to speak at the party where we met, and was insistent that we swap numbers when I was leaving.

She invited me out for coffee, then for dinner, then to her place. She was the first to declare we were a couple, first to say the three words, and she proposed to me, on the 29th of February, although she didn't know about that custom.

So it makes sense she was first to cross over, and get it ready... 

Accelerant

I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, only there was something off in the room. Because of that, I took it all very slowly as I made the device. I checked and double checked every part as I assembled it, making sure the timer was perfect and the accelerant hadn't expired as I placed it into the bomb.

It was all perfect when I flipped my lighter to melt the wires together, and the flame was blue.

By the time I realised this meant someone was pumping gas in, I was too far gone to get out. 

Humanity's Qualities

Humanity was not pleased to find out it was not alone and certainly not special in the universe, but given most sentient species went through this, they were excused.

But after a few galactic cycles, it became seemingly standard practice for any crew of a decent size or strength to have a human or two in the headcount to be the first ones to explore dangerous locations and face unknown problems. This did please Humanity, who viewed this as proof Humanity was Brave and Tough and Special.

Rather than Stupid and Reckless and Easy To Get More Of Quickly, instead.

Name A Woman

I always knew when she had spent time online because she would come into whatever room I was in and interrupt me with a seemingly random question about how often I thought about the Roman Empire or who my female heroes were.

As I looked for thr last corner piece on my jigsaw, she came into the room.

"Name a woman."

I paused, to see if there was any more information or restrictions. When none came, I shrugged.

"I'll go one better and name every woman.

Whitney Houston."

Her confusion led me to introduce her to 90s dance pop classics. 

Returning

Took me three tries to find the right key, which turned out to be the first one I tried, but the right way around this time.

Took me three flips of the light switch to confirm that the light wasn't working.

After two unsuccessful attempts to unscrew the bulb I finally got a purchase and got it out, only to find it was fine.

So I screwed it back in and looked around the cabin's outer walls to find the fusebox. Was on the third wall I searched.

I only got one attempt to replace the fuse, given the electrocution.