The Impact

We knew the asteroid was heading for us a month out, thanks to an amateur astronomer who spotted it.

We had a plan to prevent its impact a fortnight out, thanks to the brilliant but difficult 'cool' tech billionaire who designed the nuclear missile.

We knew it hit true an hour out, thanks to the large explosion in the sky which was a bit of a giveaway.

We knew there was a problem fifty-nine minutes out, thanks to the large chucks which still remained.

They knew of these events a thousand years after, thanks to the holy blue bird texts.

Flash Of Embarrassment

As the flash mob finished dancing, he held out the ring.

"So, will you marry me?"

She answered almost immediately.

"Absolutely not."

He looked confused and hurt, before one of the onlookers spoke up.

"Oh come on, you could have accepted the ring then broke it off later!"

She spun around and stared at the older man.

"Why is his embarrassment over drastically misunderstanding our relationship and my appreciation for stupid gestures like this my concern?"

The old man was almost as embarrassed as the guy who proposed, but the dancers who totally ruined the dancesteps felt worse of all.

Doctor Word-Salad

She had Wernicke’s Aphasia, so she would speak with normal sounding intonation, but with no rhyme or reason to the words. Total word salad.

I knew this, but every new assistant or nurse who cared for her would at some point get a bee in their bonnet that something she'd say had meaning, they'd take initials or think it was like a cryptic crossword clue. But there was no hidden meaning.

Like the time she told me that she knew I was poisoning her meals to keep her mad. Totally false, pure coincidence.

I was injecting her at night, see.

Close Shave Paradox

"The barber in town is one who shaves all men, and only those men, who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?"

"The barber probably."

"Ah, but then the barber shaves themselves, and thus cannot be shaven by the barber! Hence the paradox."

"I don't get it."

"Ah, well, see, a paradox is what we call a statement or situation that contains an inherent impossibility-"

"I know what a paradox is, but I don't see how that's one of them."

"Fine, let's localise it, your home town, who was the barber?"

"Her name is Melanie "

"Never mind then."

Development Accounting

The Fleet arrived at Earth, and after a moment, every communication device began to speak

"Humanity, why have you not left the planet? You have been informed for the last thirty-seven of your starcycles that it would be used for resources."

There was a multitude of responses.

"Yes we have! Every newborn human has had the plans broadcast into their minds upon birth!"

Another pause.

"Fine, clearly we did not take your race's development cycle into account. Therefore, we will transport you now to the nearest other planet, Mercury you call it."

The next replies didn't make it in time.

The Ferryman

The Ferryman let another group of souls to their peaceful resting places, then turned to leave, but were stopped by a soul running up to them.

"You go down to the other place, right?"

"I ferry all souls to where they rest for eternity, yes."

"Good, then you can take me there?"

The Ferryman stared at the soul.

"You want to leave here, which by definition is perfect bliss, to go where you will be subject to eternal agony?"

"This isn't bliss, I hate it here!"

"Oh, well then you're already in the right place. I don't make mistakes, see."

A Complicated Puzzle

It was an intricate puzzle box, that the travelling trader kept by his side at all times, since it held his fortune, as he would tell anyone who asked.

If they asked further, he was happy to describe the dozen steps needed to open it, in only vague terms so no-one could steal it. And besides, it had an inner lining of a type of metal that would destroy the contents if someone broke in.

Thus, people focused on the box, and tried to steal it. And the trader's true treasure in the potato sack could remain unstolen and safe.

In Her Backyard

Where the flower reeds grew, there was an inlet, where the hanging trees brushed the water's surface.

But the hanging trees were high up, and there was a hidden bank where two kids could hide and make their own.

All through our childhood, her and I would go there all the time, to talk, and play, and plan, to laugh, and cry.

Then we got older, and it became the first place we kissed, we said we loved each other, the first place we...

And all that time, we never realised you could see into it from the house above.

Diplomatic Silence

After the interplanetary treaty was signed, I was making small talk with the Gurangnoid History Keeper.

"I examined the records, and I found that my race had previously visited Earth, you know. Quite a violent situation."

"Really? Did they land in Roswell, New Mexico?"

The Keeper examined the globe of Earth that was part of the centrepiece for the nibbly buffet.

"Close, but no. It was here."

I looked at the Yucatán Peninsula.

"And how long ago was this?"

"Oh, sixty-six million of your years ago. We overreacted to the reception we got, to be honest."

"Um... Don't mention it."

Imparted Wisdom

"So what would you tell your ten year old self?"

"The winning lottery numbers from a big lottery at that point, and then the numbers from bigger lottery results for after I'm eighteen."

"No, seriously, what would you tell them?"

"That."

"No, no, you must have some wisdom to impart to your younger self?"

"Well, I guess, you'd want me to tell them something that will comfort them, that will get them through rough times, that will ensure they're well equipped to get through the years?"

"Yes, exactly! What would that be?"

"Money would do that, hence the lottery results."

Dr. Nullpoint

Captain Adventure burst into the evil Dr. Nullpoint's lab just as he started the time machine.

Captain Adventure fired his Sunray gun, but it just bounced off the temporal cage.

"What have you done, you madman!"

"Oh, just sent a nullification field generator back where it can do the most damage."

Cosmic Girl gasped.

"What, you're going to stop Captain Adventure from being born?"

"Well, yes, but no."

"You're stopping Earth from forming?"

"Again, yes, but no. I'm stopping the Big Bang."

In the microsecond he still existed, Dr. Nullpoint found his victory not all he hoped it to be.

Drunken Lockpicking

Not for the first time, I found myself kneeling in front of the door, coaxing out the part of the key that had broken off inside it.

Once I got it out, I ran a wire camera in to check the workings, the owner standing behind me.

"So I'll admit this will cost me work, but have you considered an electronic lock here?"

The owner shook their head.

"No, too easy to crack."

"I dunno, modern systems have fairly strong firewalls, and-"

"No, I mean that instead of drunkenly breaking my key, I'll just smash my way in. Too crackable."

Peace In Other People's Time

The peace talks had gone on for a week, and the two sides were no closer to an agreement, despite all their work. Every time they hashed out one issue, another took its place, and needed lots of negotiations all over again.

By the end of the eighth day, it seemed like things were going to break down.

But then the third country wanted to make sure of it, and planted a bomb to blow them all up.

They expected to kill everyone and cause chaos.

Instead they forgot the blasting cap and gave the two sides a mutual enemy. 

Lying Down

The alien woman just said it.

"I'm fertile and compatible with human physiology, you know."

After I picked up my spilled tools, I looked at her.

"Why are you telling me that?"

She looked confused.

"My studies indicated that sexual congres is an important part of human interaction."

"Well... Yes, but not just out of the blue like that."

I recalled my briefings.

"Wait, wait, how are you compatible? Don't you, like, split?"

She nodded, and then performed rapid asexual fission, leaving two identical twins with no clothing on.

At that point I didn't care about her lies about compatibility.

Sure

The lights went out, and a gun went off.

When the lights came back on, four people stood there, a body cooling in the corner, a gun on the floor in the middle of the room.

The Detective was sure the Deceased's Enemy did it.

The Enemy was sure that he'd be ok taking the fall for the Deceased's Wife.

The Wife was sure her secret lover, the Enemy, had done it.

The Maid was sure of little, beyond that she'd need a new job.

The Deceased was sure that his plan with strings would work. Before he died, obviously.

Summon Loophole

She burst into my sanctum.

"I'm calling in my favor!"

I sighed as I looked up at her.

"You don't have to yell, but fine. Glad to be rid of it. So, what spell do you want me to cast?"

She grabbed my hand and dragged me up the roof, and pointed up at the sky, and the multitude of portals to demonic lands opening up.

"Still waiting to hear what spell you want."

"I want you to close these portals!"

I sighed and waved my hand, closing the portals.

Then I opened new ones, since she didn't say permanently.

Ultra-Yes

I was a few dozen swipes in, and I didn't immediately understand the sudden appearance of falling feathers across the screen.

The little banner finally appeared.

'Someone's hit by Cupid's Arrow! You've got Ultra-Yesed!'

I stared at the picture, then scrolled through the rest of them, and then her bio.

Everything seemed to be ok, none of my red lines were crossed, and we seemed to share similar interests.

My finger hovered.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I could ruin her life, actually, thinking about it.

I swiped no, like the rest of them, and kept going.

A Sharp Pain

There is pain in my head.

Multiple ones, actually, but the ones that only hurt when I squeeze certain parts do not worry me.

The constant pain above my eye, that does bother me.

I have seen all manner of doctors, from general practitioners all the way to the most expensive relevant specialists.

And none of them have found anything wrong with the spot above my left eye, or any other connected part.

Thus, I will take a drill and stick it there.

It probably won't stop that pain, but at least now there'll be an obvious problem to fix.

Holding The Leash

His attack dog lifted me up off the ground, one meaty hand wrapped around my throat.

"No Bruno, you can't kill him. Not yet."

He grunted and put me down. I saw a chance.

"How often does that happen, Bruno? All the time? I bet it does, I bet he never let's you do what you want, I bet he's constantly telling you no!"

"Well, yeah..."

"So why do you listen to him? You could take him out right now and you'd run the place!"

His attack dog looked confused.

"I do run the place though."

He choked me out.

Break Up Rhythm

She walked away, then stopped at the gate, turning around to stare at me.

She then came back to me.

"And another thing-"

I held up my hand before she could start her ranting all over again.

"Unless you're going to accuse me of murder or something else involving the cops, is it really going to matter? You're leaving me, isn't that enough?"

"No! I need to get out everything I've been holding back!"

I sighed, and lowered my hand.

"Fine, go ahead then."

She opened and closed her mouth a few times.

"You're no fun."

"That's your complaint?"

"YES!"

The Nature Of The Emergency

"Emergency services, which emergency service do you require?"

A lot of the calls I get are nothing.

"Help me" she said.

They're butt dials, or prank calls, or just people wasting my time.

"Yes, what's going on, what help do you need?"

But some calls...

"He's gone insane" she said.

You do them by the book.

"Do you need medical or police assistance?"

Every review and manager will assure you that you did the right thing.

"OH MY GOD NO" she screamed.

But they still haunt you, because someone needed you, and you failed them.

"Sorry, wrong number" he said.

Science Killed Magic

Science killed Magic, everyone knows that. But almost everyone misunderstands this.

People think that with science, we learned more about the world, and that the mystery and metaphors for existence drifted away because we knew truth.

Instead, the problem was that Magic relies on ignorance. You need to be so sure, you need to be 1000% sure that you know better than the universe, that the universe rolls over and does what you want.

That level of self-assured ignorance has been lost for so long, but I'm working on it, all these social medias linking the profoundly ignorant are working.

Burnt Curse

The witch watched as her house burned, not listening to my repeated attempts to explain how it was an accident, and that I was sorry.

Eventually she turned to me, giving me an odd look.

"May you never know death's embrace, never changing, as all around you ages and dies!"

I ran off, much to her surprise. I think she meant for me to become a statue, but she'd just lost a lot of her power sources in a fire, so instead I became immortal and impervious.

I burn down witches houses whenever I find them for curse top ups.

Long Service

It was halfway through the shift when the boss stuck his head into our room.

"Oh, Chris, you've been with us for twenty years today, there's a cake in the break room, when you're ready."

The boss left, and Chris burst into tears.

"On a diet?" I hazarded.

"Twenty years? Twenty fucking years? This was meant to be a temporary gig to keep the lights on! And I've wasted twenty years of my life here!"

"Hey, that's not really fair. This job isn't that bad!"

The boss came back in suddenly.

"Sorry, twenty-five years!"

At least the cake was good.

Chili For Kick

He was insistent that his last meal be his mother's chicken pot pie. Not any chicken pot pie, it has to be his mother's one.

This led to a lot of back and forth between his lawyers and the government. Eventually, it was determined that is she cooked it in the prison kitchen, under supervision, it would be ok.

She sent the recipe ahead, there wasn't anything too bad on it, so she was allowed to come in, and cook it.

He ate it all quickly, before the allergic reaction kicked in. Momma knew he wanted out on his terms.

Slug Soda

I was looking at my phone as I walked up to the vending machine, scrolling through social media as I paid.

As I looked up to press the orange soda button, I saw the 'out of order' sign right as it dispensed my can of orange soda.

I was confused, as I pulled the can out. It was cold, looked undamaged. I opened it, and sipped, it was orange soda.

I looked around, and saw the same handwriting as the out of order sign on the price list for the hotdog stand nearby that sold soda for twice as much.

Telling

He would tell anyone who asked that his first word was "Ma", which was only part of it.

He would tell anyone who asked that his upbringing was the normal upbringing you'd expect from a kid his age, which was a complete and total lie.

He would tell anyone who asked that his hearty constitution was due to solid breakfasts and avoiding alcohol, which was technically correct, given he feasted in the early morning, and never drank... wine.

He would tell anyone that they were safe from vampires if they did something which he didn't have a problem attacking through.

Quick Buck

No-one was willing to admit to putting the poster up on the public noticeboard in the town square, scrawled in blotchy ink on cheap barkpaper.

"10,000 gold pieces to the person or people who kill the mayor of this town!"

Given that this was technically a bounty offer, the Constable didn't remove it. It was the talk of the town, with the Mayor not treating it as anything serious.

Until the Mayor vanished, their room covered in blood.

Everyone blamed each other, no-one noticing the town's finances were ransacked and the Mayor leaving the town, hidden in a trading boat.

The Microphone

 I took the microphone, and looked out at the crowd. A sea of faces looked back at me, waiting.

The rest of the people on stage expected me to continue the scam they were running.

The people at the back of the audience expected me to do as we discussed, and expose the scam, to tell the truth once and for all.

But as I stood there, I somehow had both a crisis of confidence and a crisis of conscious, as I just froze there, and stared at nothing.

Thankfully, someone threw a full beer bottle, knocking me out cold.

Starting Tactics

 When I entered the General's tent, I was surprised to find him reading a book of children's bedtime tales from the local area.

"General? Any final orders for the divisions before they prepare for the morning?"

"Yes, the enemy will be looking to crush our strongest division as quickly as possible, so have the 15th hang back, force them to charge through fire from the 8th and 11th."

I relayed those orders, and because of them, we won the morning's battle handily. I asked him how he knew their plans.

"The Proud Bear With The Metal Shirt And Cloth Pants."

Starting Small, Race 12

 He lit up a cigarette as I stared at him, confused. As I pushed over an ashtray, I found my voice.

"You want a rolling bet on the Grand International Hurdles for forty...?"

"Years. I'll pick a number for each race, give me even odds each time, then in forty years I'll come back to what, half a trillion dollars? If I start with fifty cents?"

I looked at my actuary, who was ambivalent, and my advertising guy, who was ecstatic.

"Deal."

I don't know who was more upset by his loss 5 races in, him or my advertising guy.