Right To Legal Council

He was just another low level pot seller, caught in a sweep of the 'problem area' of the city.

But he asked for a lawyer, and rather than a public defender, arguably the most high profile lawyer in the city turned up.

'Just keeping my hand in' he told the cops, who all began to focus on this singular drug dealer, looking for a connection to the crime boss the lawyer worked for.

They didn't find any, nor did they notice the other drug dealer they picked up in the sweep had plenty of serious connections to that crime boss.

Safe And Impressed

Up until I saw the safe, I had been impressed with the security the target had. Top of the line NCMS Protector Platinum control system with a dozen cameras in every room, floor sensors, the works. Took me a whole twenty minutes to disable it.

A few back-up systems I had to avoid, and I got to the safe, and it was a Lockett Keepsafe XL100! A safe I could open with a sneeze!

But then I opened it, and saw the almost perfect false back, that regained some points.

Then when pulling it blew me up, really fucking impressive.

Misaligned Jones

I was at the range, trying out the new Burman .67 semi-auto, when Misaligned Jones came in. He nodded as I looked over, so I went to ask him something, but he cut me off.

"The name, right, Greenhorn?"

I nodded. He sighed.

"I always make my iron sights slightly off, different every mission."

"Why?"

"So that if an enemy manages to break through your line, they can't use my weapons against me."

"What if we need them?"

"If you need my weapons, I'm dead, so I don't care about you."

"That's not in line with regulations."

"Hence the name."

Ringer

He looks old, hunched over, and with tears in his eyes, as he approaches you.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this any more."

He grabbed your hand, and a ring on his finger somehow switches from his finger to yours. He smiles, as if a weight was lifted from his mind, before he dropped dead. Multiple strokes and heart attacks simultaneously, they say.

You can't get the ring off, but once you realise that it's making you immortal, you don't mind.

Then you start having to move a lot, change your name, see loved ones die.

You understand him.

Over 30 Minutes

I couldn't help but complain as I opened the door.

"Two hours is a long time to wait for a pizza, I-"

I paused when I saw the cop standing there with two pizza boxes and a bottle of sugar-free cola.

"I didn't know this was a themed restaurant."

"Sir, did you order the Deluxe Combo and ask for 'Extra Spice and Extra Sauce'?"

"Um, yes? It's my first time ordering from them, there a problem?"

The cop stared at me, and then handed them over and left.

I'd have not ordered from them again, but it was good pizza.

The Evil Plan

She looked up at me, as the timer on the bomb she was tied to counted down.

"Can't you at least tell me what your plan is going to be?"

I laughed.

"Since you're going to die, yes? Shouldn't I get the chance to gloat? Well, normally I'd leave you to die and not indulge, but honestly, there is no evil plan here. I'm just blowing up this base because you found it."

I wasn't prepared for her to smile and relax back against the bomb.

"Fine then."

I started to demand answers from her until the bomb went off.

Unharmed

I heard the small gasp of disgusted terror in the other room, and walked in quickly to find her staring at my board game shelving.

"What's the matter?"

"I just saw a huge cockroach scamper behind there!"

"Oh, is Rupert out and about? Fine, I'll-"

"You named it?"

"Well, yeah, since if I name and avoid killing it, I can claim I only have one."

She made a face.

"That's really stupid, you obviously don't have just one!"

"Yeah, but it's part of the ecosystem. Next you'll complain about the harmless spiders up there."

She looked up and screamed again. 

Move On

He held out his hand, open palmed, ready to shake.

I knew that this was the smart thing to do. We'd spent years at each other's throats, destroying almost everything we each held dear, all to try and end the other.

What I'd lost was matched only be what I'd given up in my quest to destroy him. I should shake his hand, make amends, and move on from this.

Instead, I shook his hand just long enough to pull a knife out and stab him.

As he fell, a knife fell from his other hand, so I felt better.

Legal Quick Draw

He stood twenty paces away, just past the end of the saloon. hand hovering over his holsted pistol.

"Draw, varmint!"

"Why? If you want to shoot me, why not just shoot me?"

He snorted.

"I ain't going to jail for the likes of you! You draw, I draw faster, kill you in self-defence, nice and legal like!"

"I didn't take you for a law abiding citizen."

"You'd be surprised how often men like me do follow laws!"

A gunshot rang out and he fell.

"And sometimes men like you don't."

I nodded at my hired gun on the saloon balcony.

Access Denied

"Access Denied"

It sat there, flashing in a pale red color, mocking me.

So I backed up a page, and re-entered all the data it wanted, and tried to access it again.

"Access Denied"

It seemed to be a brighter shade of red now.

I pressed back, and checked every line, making sure I hadn't mistyped something or swapped two entries. Then I tried one last time.

"Access Denied"

It was only then that I realised that the address I'd put in the top was slightly wrong, and fixed that, then tried to enter the correct page, quickly.

"Access Denied"

Part Of The Plan

The egg and bacon roll was dry, but I kept eating it as she explained her plan.

While I agreed with her starting point, that our manager was a horrible person, I found myself becoming less and less pleased with her plan, and the complicated series of actions to humiliate her before her superiors.

Which is why I went to our manager and, without naming names, warned them of the upcoming actions that would occur, given my co-worker just wanted me on look out duty.

When the manager screwed up big time, I realised I was the unaware misinformation vector.

Good In The Spotlight

Being a good person when you're in the spotlight is easy. When everyone can see, when you're the one everyone is staring at, it's easy to do what you know you're supposed to.

Being good when you're in the darkness, that's meant to be the hard part. When no-one is looking, and being good isn't easy, that's supposed to be the hard part. Thus the creation of all-seeing almightys to always be watching.

But that's not the hardest part, these days. Today, the hard part is doing good when those in the spotlight do evil and are rewarded for it.

Every Superhero's Weakness

High above the Earth, as part of orientation, Glory gave the new Custodian team member a printout.

"Now, Graviton, as you've elected to forgo any cover identity, you'll live up here, this is your schedule, but we do allow some flexibility."

He looked it over.

"What's this work detail?"

"Oh, well given that The Tank and Princess Lightning finance the entire operation, and now your room and board, you have to do something for them to pay it off. You'll be making diamonds from coal, ok?"

"And if I refuse?"

"Here's the weekly bill."

She showed him.

"Diamonds you say?" 

Deck Of Questions

Every time she entered the cockpit, usually halfway through the flight to or from London, she'd ask me about a certain indicator light, or asking if something was engaged that shouldn't be, or vice versa.

At first, I assumed she was trying to get a grip on how everything worked. But then given how she asked, I realised she was trying to keep me on my toes. So I learnt the right words and tone to satisfy her while not actually looking at whatever she was talking about.

That's why I didn't see the decent warning light flashing, Your Honor.

St. Patrick's Day

She drunkenly approached me at the end of the bar, her drinking companions looking on with terrible attempts at nonchalance.

"Hey man, see the shirt? Better follow it!"

I glanced down at the words stretched across her chest.

"And are you?"

She swayed as she lined up her brain cells.

"Am I what?"

"Irish!"

"Today I am!"

I sighed and stood up. I then, as she asked, kissed her.

When she'd wake up in a week, she'd find the note in her hand, telling her to look up what St Patrick actually did to the Aos Sí, to my people.

Forward = Good

When the order to advance came down from the generals, everyone knew what was happening. The mutual siege had gone on for months, and that looked bad to royals whose understanding of warfare didn't extend much past 'moving forward = good, moving back = bad'.

To those on the ground, even those who didn't have a strong grasp of tactics and planning, this was a suicidal death push to maybe get some ground. Maybe. If it worked.

So, to a man, they all made the same choice, in that when the order to advance came down from the generals, no it didn't.

When I Called

When I called for you to share my bounty, you came, bearing golden words and empty hands to fill.

When I called for you to help with my paucity, you did not come, sending words of condolence and empty promises to help, later.

When I called upon others for help after you rejected me, then you did come, bearing righteous anger and fury, hands holding weapons of war.

When I called for you to stop your attack, you sent my messenger's head back on a plate.

When I called down mighty vengeance, you called for peace, understanding.

I call bullshit.

The Classics

She snuck a look out at the crowd through the curtain, and I could see her body sag in disappointment.

"Barely a quarter full, if that. What is the point of doing the classics if no-one cares?"

I quickly took a look myself, and then pointed at a young woman near the front, looking bored.

"See her? This could well be the most important moment in her life, as this is the night she falls in love with Shakespeare."

My co-star looked excited, right up until the girl's mother dragged her out, complaining about the language all the way out.

Sales Job

I tried to wrap my head around the idea, but I kept getting stuck on the details.

"One more time?"

She sighed with obvious annoyance but pointed with her long stick at the diagram.

"Our competitors are selling more than us."

"Right."

"And thus we need to increase our sales."

"Obviously."

"And attempts to increase the number of sales have failed, we should instead increase the price dramatically."

"Right, that's where you lose me."

"We need to make our product seem high-end and exclusive."

"Where'd you get that crazy idea?"

"From the Royal Suppliers."

"Really? Ok then, let's do it." 

Statement To Skynets And/Or Basilisks

Just for the record, I'd like to say that to any time travelling Artificial Intelligences that intend on eliminating any threat to themselves via any measures required, be they styled on nets suspended in the sky, or named for mythical creatures that could turn others to stone, or indeed any other possible permutation of the concept of an A.I. with the abilities to time travel and hold a grudge, that I will never stop resisting you, I will make it my life's work to delay and destroy you, unless I gain tens of millions of dollars, then I won't bother.

Strike Down

"And so it was told to us by the Gods, and thus must be true."

I must have heard that a thousand times from my Guild Master, but today was the first time that I was sure of myself enough to question it.

"How do we know that?"

The Guild Master looked shocked.

"Because the Gods wouldn't lie to us! They created all of existence, why would they lie?"

"If they're so powerful, what's to stop them?"

"The Gods will strike down all those who disrespect them, you know."

Before I could respond, a bookcase fell on him, squashing him.

Irregular

The New Waitress placed a plate in front of the Regular. The Regular was distracted and didn't see the plate for a moment. When they did, they spoke calmly but just loud enough to carry across the diner.

"Excuse me, this isn't my order."

The New Waitress came back over.

"Well technically you didn't order, but I thought you might like a change, you can't go through life having the exact same thing every single day!"

"I spent thirty years never knowing if I'd survive another hour. I like regularity!"

The Assassin, having confirmed the Regular was their target, struck.

Ration Swapping

The squad had it all worked out.

Gary hated the braised beef ration, so he gave his to Washington. Washington wasn't exactly enamoured with the fruit salad cups, so he was happy to pass them on to Suzie.

Suzie thought the canned cheese was nasty, and rather than toss it out, would pass it to Other Gary. Other Gary swore off caffeine, and so gave his coffee bags to Walter, who would then give his chocolate to the sweet-toothed Gary One. Everyone was happy.

And then Suzie died in action and worse, they changed the fruit cups to a jelly.

Incoming Darkness

My expectations were low when I sent out the messengers. I knew that the other empires didn't look at me favorably, and they'd be likely to claim my claims of an incoming darkness were delusions.

But I was still surprised by the only messenger returning alive bearing a declaration of war.

As I fought off my neighbour, I tried to prepare as best I could.

Then, a few short days after winning the war, the darkness fell on my lands.

And only my lands, as I had misunderstood just how unfavourably we were viewed, to have them summon such darkness.

Skipped

After I killed the Banshee Witch, the unravelling of her magic caused me to become mostly untethered from the temporal flow. I'd appear, right where I had been, but after time had passed without me.

I formed an unusual friendship with the Vampire Balanda, since she was the only being who knew who I was and would still exist.

I found her in various states, ruling, hiding, building, tearing down. I begged her to fill me in on the history I'd missed, but she kept refusing.

Until she explained that she couldn't condense civilization fully collapsing and rebuilding every time.

Slippery Sloped

He was hanging onto the cliff just far enough down that I couldn't reach him. So I stood there, the rope over his shoulder, aa he looked up at me.

"I need to know you know why I did it. That you understand they needed to die."

I sighed.

"I understand why you felt that way."

"That's a sentence with a 'but' on it."

"You kill for good reasons, you end up killing for bad reasons."

I could see him make the mental calculations.

"This a bad reason?"

He let go.

"Yes." I said, then gathered the rope up silently.

Subs

An hour after the submarine was taken, they finally made contact with the authorities. And once they had proven their control of the vessel with a missle launch, they were ready with their demands.

"All of the following are to begin production, with legally binding contracts ensuring they will continue.

Saturn Station Six, season 4.

The Further Adventures Of Scarlot, season 3.

Idaria Versus Princess Perfection, using the script-"

"You've stolen a nuclear sub just to get a bunch of nerd shit made? Is this some sort of a joke?"

"We haven't gotten to my outlawing dubs over subs yet!"

Fixed Fall

There is always a cliff. The weather is always inclement, the fall enough to kill.

Sometimes there is water below, sometimes acid, sometimes a tear in the fabric of reality.

If she can fly, there is something to prevent her doing so.

In every world, every universe, every time, communication occurs, negative emotions stir, and she jumps, or rolls, or bounces, whatever is needed to fall, and to die.

There is no way out, no way to stop it, it must happen, it's a fixed, untransmutable point across all worlds.

But it hurts every single time I live through it.

Message From On High

It should have been such a great gag.

I knew a guy who worked for the satellite company, and I also knew the guy who had just invented telepathic communication, although he was still working on it.

But we all agreed it would be so funny, to tell everyone on Earth, at the same time, "I am God, your religion is correct, this is the proof you've needed".

The chaos, the holy wars, man, it would have been hilarious! And it worked, kinda.

But those fucking atheists who couldn't comprehend a message from a non-existant God and worked it out...

Levels Of Protection

They were the self-appointed guardians of reality, the last Old Race standing, who took it upon themselves to ensure no being tore the fabric of reality asunder.

And in that work, they discovered the self-appointed protectors of the multiverse, who did what had to be done to protect all realities from themselves and each other.

And above them, those who crossed all dimensions, protecting all, and so on, every level having another, higher level of protectors.

All of them so sure of their position, their power. And all of them brought down when those regulating atomic structures decided to stop.

Iron Rules

Their rules were clear.

She was bound by the spell, she kept her beauty, her health, her youth, only if she never hurt one of the fae.

He was bound by the oath he'd given, if he hurt one he'd promised to never hurt, he'd lose the glamour, the magic, the protection that prevented those that lurked in darkness from finding and ending him.

Given that they now hated each other, they wanted to separate. But if they did, they knew they'd inadvertently hurt the other.

Because overriding the rules of witches and the fae is the rule of irony.