Dear Homeowner

She left the note on the hook where i hung my keys, ensuring I saw it first thing.

I read it, growing increasingly stunned as I realised this was a 'Dear John' letter about my being too boring for her. It ended with her saying she was heading back home.

As I rushed to my car, I quickly worked out how she'd get there. Given her fear of flying, her inability to drive, and her lack of funds, had to be a bus. So I rushed to the terminal.

Thus, not noticing the discount train ticket flyer in the trash.

Day & Night

Enough of the members of the Alliance had day/night cycles that all Alliance starships ran on a 10 on, 10 off system that didn't suit anyone but didn't ruin anyone either.

This would cause problems, as in space, most things didn't care about doing things on such a schedule.

So it evolved into less a day/night cycle and just two equal teams taking turns running the ship.

Unfortunately, as much as day/night cycles were ubiquitous enough to warrant their implementation, the only thing more ubiquitous was arbitrary divisions leading to competition, which inevitably led to attempted sabotage.

The Creature

I held my breath as the stomping got closer to the door.

The stomping stopped just outside the door, and I could feel the floor shift as the creature stood just outside the closet, the floorboards raising slightly under my feet, but not by much.

My heart skipped a beat as the handle rattled, the creature trying, with difficulty, to open the door.

I quickly tried to consider my options. The only thing I could think of was-

The door opened, and the creature looked up at me.

"Found you Daddy! Now you look for me!"

It ran off quickly.

Shot Chaser

I placed the bottle on the table, and then drank the contents of my glass in one long, slow gulp.

As I put the glass down, she picked up the bottle and rotated it in her hands.

"I don't understand how you humans drink poison for pleasure."

"It's not poison. Not really. Alcohol makes things just feel... Better. Loosens the inhibitions, lowers pain..."

She stared at the bottle for a moment, considering my words.

"And the cyanide is, what do you call it, a chaser?"

"What?" I asked, slurring, as I fell over to the floor.

"That good?" She asked.

April Fool's Eve

So it'll be April 1st in a little bit.

I hate April 1st.

I wish it was for some personal, understandable reason like I lost a loved one or something, but no, like a lot of people, I really hate April Fools Day.

And with that, i know a lot of people will tell me to take a joke, to lighten up, to have a bit of fun. But screw that, it's stupid, and I'm right to hate it, and you're wrong to like it.

...

April Fools!

...

You see how stupid that is? Why are we still doing this crap?

Waiting In The Rain

I sat out in the rain, waiting.

Not for either of them to apologise, I knew that wasn't happening.

Nor for either of them to realise that they were both wrong. No chance of that.

I wasn't waiting for some fourth party to intervene and solve the issue with diplomacy. Chances of that were small enough to be practically impossible.

And I certainly wasn't waiting for some sort of divine report card to win on points.

No, I sat in the rain and waited long enough to make sure the gas leak lasted long enough to do its job inside.

Finest Elk Pelt

I approached the board, and three different muscular arms suddenly blocked my path. After a couple false starts where all three owners of said arms spoke at once, the closest to me ended up becoming spokesman.

"Beginner's Cup is over by the bathroom, Newbie."

I shrugged.

"I know, but I want to put my name down for the Open Challenge, it's open to all members of the Hunter's Guild, isn't it?"

There was much laughing, and then they let me put my name down.

Proof of kill being a pelt was changed after they found out I had a farm.

Judged

I stood at the Pearly Gates, trying to comprehend what I was being told.

"OK, let me get this straight."

"Sure!"

"When we die, we're judged, ok, not unexpected."

"Agreed!"

"But we're not judged on any one religion's moral structure?"

"Of course!"

"But rather we're judged as compared against a hypothetical best version of ourselves?"

"Gotta be fair about it!"

"OK, yeah, that all makes sense. But then it seems to me that you're giving everyone a fail!"

"Well it's not our fault none of you are discovering how to time travel, anyone can do that at any time.

Bye!"

Drawn Out

The idea of two gunslingers meeting in the street at High Noon for a quick draw duel is more common in penny reels and pulp westerns than in real life. Most gun fights in town were dirty and undignified, someone pulls a gun and fires before the other one even knows what's happening.

But there was one time, Black Thompson managed to convince the US Ranger to a duel, whole nine yards.

And when the two men met in the street, the quickest draw won, in this case the Ranger's backup drawing on Thompson's hidden assassin behind the public bath.

Crowd Work

I asked for silence, but got more noise instead.

I gave it a moment, then asked for silence, again, a little louder. The noise got louder in response.

I debated my next step carefully. Just raising my volume a second time would be pointless, that clearly wasn't going to work.

I decided, instead, on starting my prepared statements, hoping that ot would become obvious to all that they should stop talking at this point.

I'd gotten halfway before there was any noticeable change to the volume of the crowd.

Unfortunately, it was a change towards a still higher volume level. 

Secret Identity

As one of the content moderators for a major social media platform, he was often on deck whenever a supervillian or natural disaster broke out. And he'd almost always  head to the bathroom or find some other excuse to head off, and then the Custodians and other superheroes would turn up and save the day, and he'd return after everything was settled.

Naturally, this led to the office joke that he was secretly Greatguy or Fastperson. But then the jokes turned serious, and they forced him to stay.

And found out he wasn't a superhero, just violently ill over death.

Prisoner's Choice

It was something every newbie to the block asked about. The power dynamics of the gangs in the jail were fairly obvious, except that one weedy looking guy who worked all day in the prisoner library. Everyone gave him respect.

When asked, old hands would tell a story about how when he came in, someone tried to mess with him and he enacted such violence that everyone left him alone.

But one guy asked multiple people, got different stories, assumed it was bullshit and messed with him.

Turns out all the stories were true, and now there was another one.

Sand, Stone

He was bored, sitting on the beach, looking out at the waves. So he picked up a rock and threw it out into the waves.

A moment later, a tenticle emerged from the choppy water, holding the rock. With a whip like motion, it threw the rock back, embedding in the wet sand with a small explosion of damp sand clumps.

The man was close enough to the impact to get hit by the flying sand, and so he got up and ran off.

And that's why the octopus waits in the bay, for the game of catch to continue.

Loop-De-Loop

The stewardess practically pushed me into the pilot's seat, and I tried my best not to think about the blood of the now former pilot I was sitting in. She then desperately shoved the headset on, backwards, but I sorted it out.

"Ground control to flight 613-"

"We're here! Hello?"

"Are you the passenger with flying experience we were told about?"

"I mean, I've logged 10 hours in a single engine-"

"That'll do. The plane will do most of the work. But have you restrained the stewardess who killed the last pilots?"

"Wait, she-"

Everything went dark for me then.

In Bed

I didn't get up today.

OK, technically that's wrong, as I did go to the bathroom a couple times to go to the bathroom. But that doesn't count, I carried my staying in bedness with me.

I'm not sick, at least physically. And to be honest, I don't think I'm mentally ill either. Because I would argue that, if you look at everything that is going on in the world, staying in bed is in fact the sane thing to do. After all, it's sane to not soil where I sleep, so clearly I'm the right one here, shut up.

A Moment

He strode in, clearly trying to portray that he had little time for me.

"You have 90 seconds."

I took 3 to consider how best to do this, speaking just as he went to cut me off again. I took 17 seconds to give what I thought was the most concise but still accurate explanation for what was going on in his company.

We spent the next 50 seconds going back and forth with his disbelief and the evidence I showed him quickly.

He spent 10 seconds considering the issue.

The last 10 were spent thanking and then firing me.

Light On

In a flash of blinding white light, the Angel appeared inside the salt circle. After a moment, it cycled through a few appearances before settling on the classic wings, halo, otherwise human looking. It then focused on me and Garion.

"Mortals, what do you think you're doing?

"Winning a bet."

Garion finished counting out gold coins as the Angel looked confused.

"What sort of gambling is this?"

"Oh, well, see, if Demons are fallen Angels, then it stood to reason that you could use the same summoning ritual to summon an Angel.

Now for the second half of the bet."

Mr Tough Guy

I spun the baseball bat on its tip on the floor, never letting it lose too much momentum.

After a moment, he laughed, his chains clinking.

"You think YOU are going to intimidate me? I've trained my entire life to withstand physical pain. You can't scare me!"

I ignored him as I continued to spin the bat. His attitude remained flippant until I spoke.

"See, I'm sure physical pain doesn't bother you..."

I leaned down and lit a match from the friction.

"But how about emotional pain? See, unless you talk, I'm going to set you on fire."

"I'm not afraid of burning, I can handle-"

"Chemically enhanced fire."

As I lit a small fire in a bowl on the desk, he paused, before laughing again.

"I can take it, and I'm not afraid of death."

"What the death of love? What about every day seeing the love drain from those who care for you as they're forced to care for your mangled, disgusting face and body? You think your woman will still love you when she has to wipe your ads every day?"

He blinked, faltering.

"I knew you were ablest." I said as I poured chemicals over him.

Awoken

I reviewed the situation as I saw it. With there being no free cryopod, given I wasn't willing to commit murder, I was stuck taking the years trip to the destination system awake.

There was enough rations for this, provided I followed procedure and I spent most of my days tending to the garden and water reclamation systems.

I considered the irony, stuck in the most advanced spaceship ever, forced to live like a medieval peasant.

I took a deep breath, and tried the comm-unit to home.

Static.

...

I quickly reconsidered my earlier stance on murder, reaching a different conclusion.

Rulers And Leaders

Someone once said that if anyone wanted to become ruler, and had the capability to do so, under no circumstances should they be allowed to do the job.

Certainly, the evidence mostly supports that, given how few rulers have turned out well, as opposed to leaders.

But there is a counterpoint to that, I think. Because I feel like if you did take someone who didn't want the job and couldn't gain it by any reasonable means, is quite probably going to either run away or ruin everything, or do nothing.

So you're left with like 12 people.

They're busy.

Sky Dive

After having pulled both cords, I was now forced to deal with the fact that I was rapidly falling to the ground with no way to slow my approach.

Not a good situation to be in.

As I continued to try both cords, I looked down and tried to choose the least worst option.

The hill was an early, if unpleasant, choice, rolling down it might help.

But then I saw the swimming center.

OK, hitting the diving pool was a risk, but what choice did I have?

I aimed, just as the chute opened and threw me off course.

Boarded Up

On Friday night, I slumped into chair with a louder than usual sigh. She waited a moment before asking.

"Personal or cultural?"

"Both. I mean, you've seen what's going down, right? And then the usual work shit..."

"OK then. You want to play a board game?"

I nodded slowly, as she knew how to cheer me up. She walked over to the game bookcase.

"So... Twilight Struggle?"

"I really don't want to have to think about Russia right now."

"Morabaraba? Is that how it's pronounced."

"A South African game? No thanks."

"Monopoly then?"

"I hate Monopoly.

...

I'll be the cat."

Pocket Evil

His domain was a small pocket dimension, sandwiched between two universes (both of them infinite stretches of sandwiches, one Ruben, one Cuban).

He made it after he was defeated by a plucky rag-tag group of misfit adventurers, and his goal was to study the multiverse and work out how to avoid losing again.

Unfortunately, all he found was more ways to lose. So many universes had books or weapons that empowered those that touched them, many more with destined heroes, for some reason.

There were ways for evil to win that he found, sure, but they were all so dull.

Down Alley

The two men both slipped into the alleyway, through opposite doors. The one who came through the door with blaring music was dressed to the nines, the other who came through the door in the back of the wine bar was wearing stuff that was at least clean.

In any other circumstance, they'd have not bothered to look at the other. But right now, both saw a reflection of their own face in the other. Silently, they nodded, before they shared a silent cigarette together.

Until both doors reopened and a woman came through both, both of them looking furious.

The House On Moral Hill

I assume my grandfather wanted to ensure the home he'd built with his own two hands would remain in the family because he thought of it as the thing that would last. But the way he wrote the will out, it became a problem, as someone had to take it for anyone to get anything, but taking it meant you wouldn't get any of the millions.

Eventually, just to end the bickering, I took it.

If this was a story, he'd have hidden millions in it.

But instead, I just lucked out with an intended motorway led to enforced buyout.

The Lifeflame

The Lifeflame is the spark of all life on Goleium, the thing from which all the Gods, Demi-Gods, and Demons emerged, who then created all other life.

It is said that if it ever was expunged, that all of life would go with it. Naturally, this has led to it having to be defended by glass, dozens of magical wards, and a standing army of 1000 warriors, because if there's a "Kill Everything" switch in the world, lots of people will want to use it.

It's also a fake, which is good, since it's gone out eighty-four times so far.

Send Help

The issue with faster than light travel was that it was expensive and needed a lot of power.

This seems intuitive, but it did mean communication was an issue. Sending a message back to Earth took years to send, if you didn't have the time, resources, and power to send a ship.

But there's always people wanting to live on the frontier. So when the first colony got into trouble, they sent a highly compressed message to Earth, and then waited.

Unfortunately, by the time it arrived, Earth no longer had the technology to detect it, let alone understand it.

Drawing Dead

"All-In."

'Texas' Sampson shoved his chips into the center of the pot and leaned back in his chair, his sunglasses covering his face, as those watching at home all gasped.

His last opponent, George Cowers, waited for a chip count, 'Texas' unmoving, as it was counted. 'Texas' was just ahead, but George couldn't get a read on 'Texas', but eventually, he called.

'Texas' didn't flip his cards, forcing the dealer to, a typical power play, and the hand was dealt, George winning.

Which raised the question, could we assume 'Texas' would have bet once again if he was still alive?

Becoming The Villian

I've been thinking about the whole "you die a hero or live long enough to become the villian" thing recently, for some reason.

Now, I get the original idea, obviously no-one is perfect, but it's easier to pretend when someone is no longer capable of messing up.

But then again, there's another aspect, in that you can do everything right, but there's always someone else's story, where you're not the main character. And if you're not the main character, eventually, you're in the way.

But in any case, you see John Cena turn heel today? Man, that was crazy, right?

Plotting

You want someone dead, you hire a Killer. But if you want someone gone, you hire an Assassin. And if you can't tell the difference between those, you shouldn't mess with either.

Killers are unpredictable, whereas Assassins have codes of honor and rules to the game. These make them easy to predict but impossible to deal with, as if you break the rules, they all come after you.

But I found a way to keep at bay. Be pathetic enough to not be brag-aboutable, and offer a low enough standing contract on yourself that you're not worh anyone's precious time.

Framing Tip

If you want to to frame someone in a criminal organisation as being a cop, it can be easier to do so coming in fresh, if the circumstances are right.

If the person you're framing is the new hotness (at least until you came in), is rising up the ranks and is eager to take on more work, if they're playing the helpful rising star, then all you gotta do is fake some evidence an outsider could have, and present it, people's natural suspicion will fill in the blanks.

Of course, sometimes they WILL be cops, which makes it easier.

Shared

You know who I feel sorry for? All the monsters and cryptids that dip back and forth in our universe across years, let alone decades.

Not that I'm defending them about killing or eating people, or whatever it is that they're doing, that's bad that they're doing that, obviously.

But think about it, if they're coming back to our world or waking up after a couple decades, let alone centuries, suddenly now they're gonna have to deal with being all over social media when they attack someone. And to be frank, I wouldn't wish viral attention like that on anyone.

G Bomb

All the Gods and Goddesses and the... Other things that are like them are still at war, as they have been for all time, but it's now a cold war. There's too many mortals who are just powerful enough to cause ab issue, so the entities use Clerics, Warlocks, Touched Ones, and assorted other semi-powerful beings to do their bidding.

This has led to centuries of relative peace and prosperity for the mortals, while the Divine become weaker and in some cases forgotten.

Which unfortunately means some of them are no longer worried about things heating up around the mortals.

Dropped

I stared at the screen for several moments, then turned to the scientist.

"So how is this creature going to 'destroy all our enemies' by laying in a tree and eating fruit?"

The scientist finally found his voice.

"I don't... We spent months torturing it, breaking it, it would snarl and attack anyone who came near it!"

I thought it over for a moment.

"And by anyone you mean all your fellow scientists and no-one else?"

"Well, some of your troops too."

"Anyone dressed like our enemies?"

"No?"

"Great, we just need our enemies to all wear lab coats then."

Better To Know?

So everyone knows that the number floating over your head is the number of days you have left to live. Most people know that this number is displayed as how the person involved thinks of numbers. Hence the party trick of some people to make the number binary or something. And why babies have the haze, since they don't understand numbers. But that goes away eventually.

Except for Bob.

He can count, sure, but he still has a haze.

Until you look closer, and you see it's a number with a million digits.

Least we know there's a space limit?

Vicious Uncycle

I woke up in the hotel room. Once I recognised that, I sat up, suddenly very awake.

I scrambled to my phone and saw several angry messages from everyone I'd stolen money from to pay for the drunken night of partying I'd just done.

Just as I began to panic, suddenly my ex appeared before me, smiling as she saw my panic.

"Oh, did your Groundhog Day loop end suddenly?"

"You... Why now? Why this cycle?"

"Oh, no, every cycle sees you wake up the next day, as well as go again. Every day, another disaster to see you in..."

Power Of The Chosen One

The door to the Wizard's tower opened, and the Chosen One limped in, looking bloody but victorious.

As he slumped onto a chair, the Wizard came down and froze when he saw the Chosen One.

"What happened?"

"Oh, this book you said would give me power did nothing, but luckily there was ab uprising brewing in the peasants, and I did sword fighting on weekends back home for LARPs, so I ended the evil King's rule with bloodshed!"

The Wizard tried to work out how to explain that he was supposed to be a great negotiator, but was too scared.

Current

I went to sleep annoyed, tired, but above all, in my own bed.

I woke up when I hit the water, thankfully, and managed to keep my head above water.

I looked around, as much to find somewhere to signal or head to as it was to try and determine where the hell I'd just come from, but I saw nothing.

So, I shrugged, quickly worked out where the current was heading, and headed along with it.

I eventually found a ship, and got rescued, but I still don't know how i got there.

Or why it took three weeks.

Dane's Luck Spell

Ganzel had a lot of spells in his spell book, and the one he cast the most was one of the weaker ones. He'd found it in a recently abandoned shack, labelled "Dane's Luck Spell". It was a simple enough spell, using only a little energy, but it made him a little bit luckier the next day. So every night, he'd use up any left over magical energy inside himself to cast it two, ten, thirty times, and enjoy a more lucky day.

Until the day Dane tracked him down, and Ganzel learned he was transferring bad luck to Dane...

On The Stairs

I tried to sneak in without making any noise, but she was sitting on the stairs, looking disapprovingly at me.

I tried to make a joke about how long she must have been sitting there. That didn't work.

I tried to explain why I was so late, explaining about the work thing, and what the boss had expected. That didn't work.

I tried to apologise, acknowledging her right to be upset and angry, and swearing I'd be better. That didn't work.

Finally, I asked her what she wanted.

Turns out she'd gotten drunker than I was and needed help up.

Post-Valentine's Day

Another Valentine's Day.

Every marketing guru says you gotta do themed stuff when it's appropriate, and so around this time should be the love stuff.

Problem is, I've done all of it. I've done straight romance, when I had a partner, I've done the cold anti-romance, when I've not had a partner.

I've done fun, I've done sad, I don't think I've done straight porn, at least on here.

Pretty much every (publishable) take on romance, I've done here. So ironic detached meta-commentary is all that's left.

But who the hell would want to read that, on this day? Who?

Improvised Expertise

"And this is for the physical attacker!"

The magic-weaver tossed the metal object at the fighter, who stepped back and let it land on the stone floor. After a moment they picked it up and turned it over in a hand, blades and heavy balls rolling around in a caged part.

"And what is this?"

"A weapon, the guard there was using it."

"And you expect me to just know how to use this?'

"Well you are the person who-"

One of the guards sat up suddenly, and thr fighter swung instinctively, killing him fully.

"There, you see!"

"Lucky coincidence!"

Evidence Destruction

The old man sighed as he watched me deleting the files.

"Man, it used to be so much cooler destroying this stuff."

I kept working but looked over at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Well back in the day, blackmail material would be film, or photos, maybe a cassette. So we'd have to burn or melt them, was a lot more satisfying than just pressing buttons. Why I let you talk me back to-"

I shut the laptop and handed it over.

"Now then online stuff is gone, we gotta melt the hard drives."

The smile on his old face...

Serallia And Seral 7

On Serallia, they had Humans, Elves, Dwarfs, Goblins. On Seral 7, they had Humans, Elvians, Gravtons, Trashfolk.

On Serallia, powerful magic spells required harnessing Ener Krystals. On Seral 7, powerful technological devices required Ener Crystals as a power source.

On Serallia, the fate of the world rested on the interplay of Kings, Queens, Traders, Priests, Mages. On Seral 7, the fate of the sector rested on the interplay of Rulers, Presidents, Businesspeople, Psychics, Scientists.

On Serallia, a miscast spell opened a portal. On Seral 7, a misaligned experiment opened a portal.

On both Serallia and Seral 7, War was War.

The Queen And The Main Event

"And in our special surprise main event, ladies and gentlemen, sees our King fight!"

As the crowd around the fighting arena cheered, the King's Adviser leaned over to the Queen and whispered in her ear.

"Did you really think you could hide your lover from us?"

She blanched.

"Now watch as your husband kills the man you love!"

As the King geared up and she saw his opponent, the Queen laughed.

"You laugh at this?"

"That's not my lover. That's the very talented Assassin I was hiring to kill my husband."

The Adviser blanched as the crowd soon cheered loudly.

Goblin Society

It's not very well known outside of it, but Goblin society is highly stratified, with over a hundred different levels of status, and over a thousand different ways of ranking the different levels.

It's complicated, but pretty much all Goblins understand it completely, which does make things easier in times of natural disaster and other high stress situations, there's no comparing of rankings or title or other power struggles, Goblins just get on with.

Which is part of the reason no-one outside Goblin society knows, they only ever interact when Goblins are in "defend everyone from the invading non-Goblins" mode.

L3M0N

As far as pieces of crap cars went, it was middle of the field. The paintwork had scratches, but no missing bits. The windows didn't work, but the aircon did, kinda. It was a couple decades old, but not enough to be vintage. It worked, but needed a minute to warm up.

Most everyone assumed I just couldn't afford a better one, but the fact was, I used it as a litmus test. If you made a comment, you were either a car person, or you thought I'd care about your opinion.

And I really hate talking about bloody cars.

Scouting Ahead

The first contact with extraterrestrial beings was going fairly well, until they asked a question through their translation device.

"Why do you say this is first contact? What happened to our previous emissary?"

There was a brief pause as the humans all looked at each other.

"You mean the one 70 revolutions or so ago, in Roswell?"

"No?"

The humans blinked.

"100 cycles ago, in Russia, there was an explosion-"

"No, not then."

"...

Jesus Christ???"

"No, the advance scout last week!"

We eventually tracked them down in Ibiza, where they were having a fun time, which helped smooth things over.

Weighted Choices

I moved as quickly as I could, while remaining silent, and got into the car before any of the zombies could get me.

Yes, I know that's not what we're supposed to call them, but really, dead brain eaters, what else do we call them?

As I thought about my next move, I saw that the keys were still in the ignition.

I had a choice. If the car worked, I could drive away. But if it stalled, I'd just draw attention. I weighed up my options.

I turned the key.

My inability to drive should have had more weight.

Spotting The Problem

You can see the problem fairly easily.

I'm unhappy, as I don't have any real love in my life, at best just acquaintances that tolerate me.

So I try the methods that society tells me to. I go out and try to meet people, I join clubs, go to bars, everything.

And eventually, I find someone.

And things go ok, at first. But then, inevitably, because I'm not used to this, I fuck up, they leave, and I'm back at square one.

So you see the problem, right?

What? No, not my problem, the problem of all these people sucking.

The Twins

The twins had been running through the forest for what felt like hours, until they stumbled upon a cottage hidden behind some mossy stones.

They'd have kept running, but the delicious smell coming from it made their stomachs growl, and they slowly approached.

As they reached the door, it opened, and an ancient looking woman in black looked at them.

"Are you the witch?" The girl asked.

"That's what some people call me. They're right, in a way.

"Do you eat people?"

"That's what some people say. They're wrong."

The twins missed her mumble "in a way" under her breath.

3, 2, 1

As she began the take-off procedure and pulled away from the spacedock, he looked at the box and then back at her.

"You do realise that the entire Citystation will be after us now, yes?"

"I do, but I also realise three other things.

One, it'll take a few minutes for the various powerful people to realise I don't work for any of them.

Two, this Citystation was built over centuries, piecemeal, hence the wildly different sections joined by several, but not many, linking chambers."

Explosion reports flashed on the screen.

"And Three, Crazy Boc'la-Ack had discounted shape charges today."

Grieving The Future

How long do you grieve the future?

Time will continue, probably, there will be a day after today, and another, a future still exists.

But the future I expected, it wasn't grand or spectacular. Things would mostly stay calm, progress would be slow, too slow, but it would at least happen.

That's gone now.

And what's worse, is that I, we, have gone through this before. We survived, many didn't, but at least we thought we had learned, and would do better now and in the future.

But here we are. And here we will remain.

If we are lucky.

Do It Yourself

 "Strike 2!"

He tapped his bat against his cleats, less to knock off any dirt and more to give himself something to do while he tried to ignore the crowd.

While he knew the "loaded bases, 2 outs, bottom of the ninth" cliche wasn't nearly as common in real life as it was in the movies, it still happened occasionally. Like, right now.

He stepped up to the plate and tried to focus, tried to drown out the fans and-

"Ball 4, walk!"

He blinked, as he realised he'd disassociated. But hey, now it was up to...

Gary.

Fucking hell.

The Rainman Test

The tech-heads told me that they'd run every test to make sure that no-one could crack the code, even the 'Rainman' test. I asked what that one was.

Apparently they made up a message to ring a number for a prize in the code and stuck it in some puzzle magazine, with a fake answer in the back.

And no-one had called, so they advised that we could go ahead and use it.

Unfortunately, they didn't think of how maybe someone who could crack it wasn't allowed near a phone, just given puzzle books and dull crayons to write with.

Forced Choice

I poisoned both glasses, switched them around a few times, then turned back and placed one in front of him, and one in front of me.

"I see you're a fan of the classics."

"Guilty as charged. Now pick one."

He sighed, and looked at them for a long moment, then grabbed both, poured one into the other, and then swirled it together before placing it back on the table.

He watched me for a long moment as I glanced between the glass and him.

"You're not worried, so they were both poisoned."

"Well done. I still have the gun."

Vanilla

The Madam entered the small meeting room and looked at him slightly puzzled.

"May I ask why you came here?'

He looked at her, equally puzzled.

"I thought it was obvious, you-"

"Let me rephrase, why this establishment? I have complete faith in my girls, but we here at Corde Pliée usually cater to clients with unusual and particular tastes, hence our prices. If you want 'vanilla sex', which is perfectly valid, I can recommend cheaper..."

She trailed off when she saw what was in his bag.

"Oh, food play, you'll want Diamond, I'll go get her now for you."

Preparing For The Worst

I poured half the bottle into the giant plastic cup, tossed in a few ice cubes, and then sat down at my computer.

I placed my hand on the mouse, then let go and grabbed the cup and knocked back a few gulps of the barely cooled liquor.

After the burning subsided, I went back to the house and managed to open the email program before I needed a few more gulps.

I managed to force myself to move to the email and open it without any more booze.

"Hello Robert, we're happy to offer you-"

I threw up, happily.

Meaningful Journey

When I was a kid, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me how my favorite comic book series would go.

When I was a teenager, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me what I should do to get girls.

When I was an adult, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me winning lottery numbers, or do the Sports Almanac trick.

Now, as an old man, my future self finally does travel back in time just to kill me and make a paradox.

Price: Everything You Have

I had one more rational bar, my shield was cracked, and my sword was bent at 45 degrees halfway along. But for lack of any better option, I turned another corner in this fucking maze.

"Welcome to Psally's Shoppe! Extra p, extra e, low price, high excellence! What are you in the market for?"

I blinked through the sweat and tears.

"You accept...?"

"Most people choose to barter, but I also accept gold, jewels-"

I lifted my sword.

"That means you have a way out. Tell me."

"Oh, you want the Escape Package? A popular choice, but quite expensive, sadly..." 

Feeling Small

She was My All, but she did not see me as the one. I was the bit of fun, to use and bin.

I did try to fix it, to be for her day in, day out, but she saw Him as her One Man. She ran to him as I ran to her.

One big day, I had had it, and I did the yap.

"I ask you, how can I be The One for you? How?"

She was mum for a bit, but she did say.

"You can be a bit too ABC, 123."

I was so diminutive.

Instructions

"So, to get to cable you need to hold this cable here at this angle while you hold down the SYS-ENG button until it registers, then you can let the cable go. Switching channels is fine, but if you want to turn the volume down you need to go all the way up to 100 then up again until it goes back to 0. I won't try to explain the DVR, that's a whole other kettle of fish, just don't bother trying, you get me?"

"...

Dude, why don't you get a new TV?"

"Huh? There's nothing wrong with this one!?"

Happy New Year

I saw the photo online as part of a montage from some nightclub, taken from the New Year's party a couple days earlier.

The girl I had loved, until she had died. Looking remarkably alive, considering.

Naturally, I immediately confronted those I'd met through her, but they were all as shocked as I was, or they were all great liars. Given they might have been lying to me for years, that was a possibility.

It took me a lot of time, but I finally tracked down the woman I'd seen.

She proved to be a worse liar than her friends.

That's Hot

I waited eagerly as the smoke formimg in the chalk circle created...

A 'humanoid' monstrosity.

I looked between the book and the figure with confusion before it made what sounded like a sigh.

"Let me guess, you were trying to summon a succubus?"

"Incubus, actually."

"Ah.

Well, those are just different departments, we tend to swap around every few years."

"But you seduce people looking like this?"

It laughed, I think.

"Our job is to punish sinners. We stopped needing to create more of them centuries ago. So we-"

"Let yourselves go?"

It snapped a claw and the chalk vanished.

Hand Bag

My Bag Of Holding was the first loot I ever got, from the adventurer that turned up dead on the doorstep of my mother's farm.

Well, near enough to dead.

But anyway, it was so useful, no matter how much cool stuff I'd find, or 'find', I could get it in there and carry back to a town to sell, and then it'd carry the gold!

Mages and the like that I travelled with were always wanting to examine it, sure it was evil or something.

I disagreed, until I reached in one day and felt a hand reaching back.

Checking

Eight months ago.

"So what brings you in today?"

"My ex-girlfriend."

"What do you mean?"

"Well she dumped me a few weeks ago-"

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Uh, thanks, but I had suspected it was gonna happen sooner or later. But in either case, in the breakup speech, she told me I was, well, 'fucked in the head', she said. I don't think I am, but I thought I better get it checked, you know?"

Now, today, I know that I shouldn't have bothered, but better to check and be sure, right?

By the way, can I borrow $10k?

All Alone

I woke up alone.

Nothing unusual about that, but quickly I realised I was actually alone. Everything online that wasn't automated had stopped a few hours earlier.

I left my dump apartment and quickly drove downtown, passing crashes, empty cars, and abandoned items.

I got into town, and tried to think of what I should do, as I helped myself to the best stuff from the supermarket.

Eventually, I posted online on every platform I could think of, calling out for anyone to respond.

Turns out that when there's only one person posting, every bot gets very eager to post...

Front Story Line

My grandfather always told me stories of war, he always made it sound so noble.

It was raining.

He talked about the camaraderie with his fellow soldiers, the good times in the trenches.

We were both tired and bleeding before we found each other in the mud.

He talked about how proud he was of all the latest tech he had given to him.

Both of our guns jammed because of the mud, so we grabbed knives.

He never mentioned blood or death.

I suffered the first, and caused the second.

And I understood why he discussed what he did.

Bardic Tales

It took me a while to track down the legendary bard Pippen Poken, and even longer to convince him to give me training in how to bard.

We found a secluded place as he looked through his magic bag.

"The first secret to being a good bard is choosing an instrument you can afford to lose."

He handed me a hand-drum.

"You focus on percussion, and then you lose the instrument, you still have this."

He tapped a rhythm on his chest.

"Is that where the idea you went round banging everyone came from?"

"The second secret is these condoms."

Cold

I led the wizard to the beginning of the secret path through the mountains, as far as they knew, and there we met the frost troll I had told them about.

"My erstwhile guide says you won't let us pass unless I perform a task for you, apparently?"

"Yes. I am in love with a fire nymph, and I need a way to protect me from her flames when I'm near her.

I awaited the wizard to cast a spell.

"How did you fall in love if you couldn't be near her?"

"Uh... From afar?"

They cast a Firedeath spell.

Only Way Out

I knew a bullet was the only way out, and I knew I didn't have the guts to use it. I'd spun so many lies to enough powerful and/or dangerous people that the webs were getting entangled.

Didn't matter if it was one of them pulling on a loose thread or a couple grabbing a handful and tearing, the next change was going to lead to my end.

And then the door flew across the room.

"POLICE!"

OK, maybe ratting everyone out might-

The SWAT member that entered first immediately opened fire, a bullet going straight through my head.

Behind You

I finally managed to get the orc away from its axe, and after enough cuts brought it down, I stood over it, ready to plunge my sword down, when I heard a whistle, followed by the soft but unmistakable sound of a bowstring being pulled taut behind me.

"Just so you know, this is a magically enhanced blow, not that I need it, at this range."

Neither of us moved until I spoke.

"You sound like an elf. Why did you care about this orc?"

"Well that's a long-"

Finally my ally made their move and took the elf out.

Next Episode

From my point of view, it was a sudden flip, as she suddenly stood up and glared at me.

"Look, are we doing this or not?"

I tried to think, but couldn't think of anything before my mouth spoke.

"I mean, we're only two episodes in, and-"

"Fine, we're not going to, whatever."

She grabbed her coat and left. I was confused, but went back to watching the show.

I later heard through a mutual friend that she was expecting a romantic evening. My thinking that it was probably better she leave then rather than more disappointment later wasn't popular.

Chosen Ones

The prophecy was clear, that someone brought into this world of magic and chose from a world of rules and order would defeat the Dark Sorcerer Beroska.

So, the Semi-Wizard Jofti opened a portal, and a young person came through. He told them they were chosen one of the prophecy, they believed him, sent off to defeat the evil, and was quickly killed by a random goblin thief.

Unperturbed, Jofti tried again. And again.

He lost track around 200 or so, but one of them was bound to work, right?

Well, yes, but only when he summoned a competent general.

Lucky Coincidence

The distress beacon got picked up by the third shift crew, and they set in a course. By the time I woke up and was informed, we were already approaching the damaged vessel, and I had a tough decision to make.

My orders had been clear, we were supposed to arrive at Starbase Alpha78 within 3 days to deliver the secret cargo hiding in the storage bay. But standing orders were to assist damaged vessels.

So I looked at the distress beacon message, declared it a trap, destroyed the ship and left.

Later on, I found out I was right. 

New Year, Old Idea

She opened the door to my room and spoke with extra enthusiasm, even for her.

"Good morning! Ready for the new year!"

I grunted, which I hoped, in vain, would be enough of a response for her to leave.

"Come on! It's a new year, time to make new resolutions!"

I sighed and pulled my head out of my pillow.

"It's an arbitrary counting turnover point. There's nothing special about today as compared to yesterday. So what's the point?"

"Because any excuse to make a positive change is a good one!"

"Fine, I'll start, tomorrow... tomorrow.

Or tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow."