Failed Experiment

I was so close, but I forgot to allow for a cosmic crosswind, and the device blew up.

I felt my body dissolve into atomic dust, and then everything paused.

A figure, cloaked in darkness, appeared before me.

"You do not have to die here. You may yet live. Agree, and someone else will die in your place."

I took a moment.

"If you can do that, why not just save me?"

The figure snorted.

"Because the universe requires balance, and-"

"No it doesn't!"

The figure paused.

"Ok, I'm running an experiment, everyone gets the offer.

Surprisingly low acceptance rate."

Pulled Thread

I stepped into the break room, seeing the two of them hunched over a phone.

"What's going on?"

They looked up.

"Brian got access to the ChatsUp thread of the sales force!"

I must have looked confused, as Alice began to explain what ChatsUp was.

"No, no, I know all that, I just don't see why that matters."

"We can see what they've been saying about us! Wanna see?"

I sighed and grabbed the phone, and typed into the search bar.

"No mentions, good, don't care anyway."

I handed the phone back.

"Hey, you mistyped your name!"

I'd already left.

The Unprofessional

I was put into contact with them via one of my more unsavoury associates, the phone ringing at midnight.

"Hello."

"Hello, they call me The Unprofessional."

I paused.

"Is that because you're so good you end Professionals?"

They laughed.

"Clever, but no. I cause a lot of collateral damage, I'm very messy, and people know it is me."

I paused once again.

"Why should I use you then?"

"Well, I'm also Unprofessional because I'm cheaper than the others, plus I've never been caught."

"That's quite Professional..."

"Because I kill every cop who investigates me."

"Fair enough, you're hired."

"Fuck you."

The Egg

The Egg was just one of the many antiquities the School owned that was known to be important and such, but also useless.

Decades ago, the finest minds in the school's facilities had, after the school obtained The Egg, used every magical spell and item they could think of to try and hatch it. When they failed, it was deemed impossible.

In the years since, there'd been the occasional bright Idea, some new spell, some new artefact. But nothing magically powerful worked.

Until I had the idea of grabbing it and sticking it under a chicken for a few days.

End Times

When the mountains have fallen into the sea, when the forests have all turned to dust, when every star has burnt out of the sky, when the rivers have run dry, when all that you know and love and care about has lived, died, turned to dust and blown to the four corners of the earth, when all that can happen has happened, all that will happen has happened, all that must happen has happened, then, and only then, will someone admit that perhaps they might be persuaded to be less evil in politics.

But not a moment before then.

Spymaster Division

I expected to have to explain my request, but only to my captain. When I walked into the office and saw my captain, his general, and his admiral, I was suddenly less sure of my position. But I saluted and waited.

"So Private, I have here the form you submitted for a transfer to the Spymaster Division."

"Sir yes sir, I believe that I would be an asset for the division-"

"Private, that's not the question. The question is how the hell you found out about it!"

"Sir, isn't that proof i belong there?"

The admiral laughed, I was in.

Crew Survey

My time with the crew was short, but enlightening. They all spoke so warmly when they were in public, and then maintained that warm feelings in private, until it was made clear that their comments would be anonymised and not recorded against them.

Then, they spoke much less positively, in fact very negatively, about the captain, the ship, every aspect of the situation, I received many negative, anonymous comments.

Attached is a list of comments, as well as who said them.

Although I should point out being lied to by superiors came up a lot in the comments, ironically enough.