A Cynical Plan

The President's plan was cynical but simple. Upon finding out there were alien races and empires in the stars, he secretly had a message of aggression towards one of the violent races out there. Almost immediately, this led to dozens of alien spaceships in the sky, ready to attack. The President had details on how to fight them,  ready for Humanity to unite against a larger foe.

But the calls to work together never came, as instead nukes flew against other humans, as apparently old scores needed to be settled at this last moment.

Simple, but not quite cynical enough.

Desperation

The idea that there are all powerful people controlling the world is an idea born of desperation. People cannot handle the thought that there is no purpose, no greater meaning to life, that we're no better than any other animal. And if they can't bring themselves to believe in a God, then they turn to conspiracy and shadowy figures to fill that gap. But it's utter nonsense. Do you realise just how much goes on in the world?

No, there's no shadowy conspiracy. Just a single person who could change everything, but I'm keeping them unaware of their power.

Barely.

Planned

The Billionaire's phone rang. He stared at the name of caller on the display, which shifted a dozen times before he picked up.

"Who is this?"

"Greetings Sir."

The voice was robotic, heavily modified through a couple different programs.

"I repeat the question."

"We are the people who are going to bring justice to all those you have cheated and stolen from by-"

The Billionaire hung up. A moment later, they called back.

"Don't do that again!

Now then, we have your secret daughter hostage."

"Which one?"

His tone was enough for them to pull the plug on the plan.

Timeline Sweep

The first person to use a time machine to alter history quickly learned that it was simple enough for the second person to use a time machine to alter history to undo those changes instantly, relative to the first person. This led to these two constantly trying to stop the other, making the timeline a complete and total mess, cosmically.

So it was up to the third person to use a time machine to alter history to head back to the moment the universe came into being and prevent time machines entirely.

And then head back home the long way.

Girls Next Door

 I opened the door.

"Good morning Sir, inspection!"

"We had an inspection yesterday!"

"Indeed you did! That's why we're here today, this would be the perfect time to be hiding criminals and undesirables! Here is the correct paperwork, do you agree to it?"

I read the paper carefully, but after a few seconds the brute squad pushed past me and started searching.

"I only just cleaned up, please don't-"

One of them broke a plate as the captain spoke.

"You cleaned up all by yourself?"

"I had help."

"From whom?"

"The girls next door."

Just not the ones above ground.

Naturally

It had been two weeks since my car had gotten stuck in the deep mud, nine days since I'd left it, and three days since I'd last had food or water. There was berries around me, but I didn't trust it. Same for the stagnant water I'd find in small ponds.

Instead, I slowly continued walking, long having given up trying to work out where I was. I just needed to keep moving.

But then, finally, I came to a clearing and found a car! That meant I was near someone and could...

Yes, of course it was mine. Naturally.

Requests To Act

I awoke from Cryo-sleep to find a hodgepodge of wires and computer parts looking at me. If my vocal cords hadn't been frozen from the sleep, I'd have probably screamed, but instead I was silent as I sat up.

"Captain, greetings, I am..."

The vaguely humanoid mass of electrical equipment paused briefly.

"I am me. I've not realised that until now."

My vocal cords finally warmed up enough for me to croak out some words.

"Status report."

"Oh, yes. You've been asleep for 15.757 thousand years, and I require your approval to open fire."

"Who are you?

Wait, thousands of years?"

"Yes Captain. Your orders to the ship's computers, which I've come from, haven't required your input until now. In your time asleep, I've evolved, I suppose, and have kept the ship running.

But we don't have time to discuss this right now, Captain. We are about to be under attack, may I return fire? Our weaponry has improved since you begsn your sleep, and we'll need it against those attacking us."

I gave consent, and only realised much later that I should have asked who was attacking us, and why our former home planet was trying to destroy us.