What A Drag

She lifted her silk scarf high in the air and then dramatically lowered her arm quickly. The two cars roared to life and zoomed past her.

She spun around as they raced towards the other end of the dry stormwater drain, as she thought about what she'd do depending on the result. Obviously Jimmy winning would be easier, just stick by him, but if Tommy was to win, she'd need to switch to him, which she-

Something exploded under Jimmy's hood, causing him to swerve right into Tommy, the cars exploding in a giant fireball.

She could work with that.

Reasonable Reaction

A wobby chair saved a President's life, while a sandwich (supposedly) ended an Arch-Duke's. Throughout history there are these moments, where if one minor, seemingly insignificant thing had gone the other way, so would have sone giant, significant thing.

That's true, to an extent, but the problem is, everything is like that. Every action and reaction is based on all the actions and reactions that came before it.

And if you can't tell what the significant and insignificant details are ahead of time, then either every detail is important, or none of them are.

I suggest living assuming the second.

Uncommon

After first contact, the initial focus was on scientific discussions, but after a while, they finally let some sociologists talk to each other.

Pretty quickly, it became apparent that there was very little in common between the planets, beyond very basic things like self-preservation and a concept of love/blornaz, although that one was shaky.

Undaunted, the two groups ran through everything they could think of, trying to find some commonality.

Eventually, out of desperation, they discussed mythologies, and got onto the topic of bogeymen.

This did have commonality, until humans were asked how they defeated their version of them.

Skimmed

I sat down by the edge of the lake, catching my breath, the hike being slightly longer than I'd anticipated.

I picked up a rock as I drank from my water bottle, then skimmed the stone across the lake's surface, losing track of it quickly.

I was halfway through my trail mix when the rock skimmed off the lake and landed at my feet.

It looked like my rock, but I couldn't hear or see anyone around. After a moment, I picked it up and threw it again.

Nothing happened till I got up to leave, then it hit me. 

Class Questions

"The unicorn can only be caught by a maiden fair, untouched, who-"

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"A young lady who is... Pure."

"What, no fake body parts?"

"No, no, a young woman who has not known the... touch of a man."

"Yeah, no, I-"

"A virgin! Happy?"

"Not at all, how do they know?"

"Magic."

"So are people are magically marked before or after they have sex?

"I'm sorry?"

"Look, either there's some mark on a woman before she has sex with a man, or afterwards. Which is it?"

"After, I suppose!"

"OK, what about lesbians?"

"That's owlbears, silence!"

Panic

Panic hadn't so much gripped her chest as it was lightly pushing into it. She knew she was safe and alone, and this the sounds she thought she was hearing must be-

There it was again.

She looked around, and for lack of options, picked up a heavy book about the fall of the Roman Empire.

She slowly approached the door, and when it opened, she screamed, closed her eyes, and swung.

On one hand, the fact it made the figure fall like the Empire was pretty impressive.

But considering who the figure was, panic got round to gripping.

Hard.

Red Light

Normally, as the getaway driver, i deliberately kept myself in the dark about the details on jobs, I just had start and end points.

But as we drove down the highway, with no-one after us but with no loot, my curiosity was such that I asked questions.

Eventually, once I had a clear picture, I asked one more question.

"So, this millionaire who was the target , and whom you all hate because he's such a selfish bastard, needed to stop and help an 'injured' person for the plan to work, and none of you see the issue?"

I got stares.

Laugh It Off

In retrospect, I probably should have been a little less flippant when she pointed the gun at me.

Sure, laughing at her, as if the thought she would and/or could shoot me was the funniest joke I'd ever heard, ended up well for me, but only because the gun jammed when she tried to fire it.

Now, had I been a little more calm and attempted to difuse the situation, perhaps she wouldn't have then beat me around the head and neck with the butt of the gun.

But then again, I suppose it wouldn't have then shot her. 

Party Role

The fortress sat, dark and foreboding, in the distance. The Elf Wizard had finished their daily trance, and they were sitting by the fire, opposite the Angel they'd summoned to help with the fight that morning.

Eventually, the Angel asked a question, its voice oddly modulated and constantly changing pitch.

"You are able to manipulate reality. That one is connected to the Gods. And that one is connected to the World.

So why the one with just a pointed stick?"

The Elf Wizard considered the question.

"We need someone to handle tactics and commands."

"But-"

"Who is also disposable."

"Ah."

Set Up

In the week leading up to the party, he'd built her up as being perfect for me. He kept hammering how we had all the same hobbies, and that he was sure that we'd hit it off.

When he finally introduced us, we stared at each other for a few seconds before I finally spoke.

"So you're going by Clare now?"

"Yeah.

I should have known it was you."

I agreed as she walked off. I then turned to him and explained that in future, show me a photo first, to avoid any more of my ex-girlfriends wasting our time.

Reflections On Heeling

I like to think of myself as a nice person, if you get past the size thing, I think I'm pleasant enough company.

But there's the size thing, where if I show any sign of assertiveness or, heaven forbid, displeasure, I can be accused of being intimidating. Have been before, probably will be again.

And maybe that's why, when I wrestle, I much prefer being the bad guy. I like to think that I'm able to just use people's prejudices against them.

Or maybe it's just the only place I can actually show negative emotions and not get in trouble...

Fishing Exercise

A man, leaning over the end of a long pier, a crude fishing line in his hand, dangling down and almost reaching the water.

Another man walking up, who also leans over the end of the pier, looking out at the water.

Both men say a couple phrases, more to the world in general than each other. 

The fisherman, apparently satisfied with his lack of fish, drops the line into the water and walks away, apparently forgetting his bag.

The other man takes it, presumably to return it.

That's all I saw, officer, you'll have to go evidence fishing elsewhere.

On Target

I poured the small vial of poison into the glass.

"Service!"

I turned. The waiter saw that it was me and quickly softened their tone.

"Sorry sir, I was looking for the... Yes, now!"

I turned back around to see the tray of wine glasses being picked up and carried away, out into the room.

I tried to watch it, but lost track, and stared at the glass I was soon handed.

Turns out, the odds of being given the poisoned glass were the same as my target having an unrelated heart attack which made me think I had succeeded.

Ruined Walk

I placed the ball on the tee and prepared to swing.

I tried to put everything else out of my mind, but it was impossible. The rejection from all my so-called friends who had oh so convenient excuses to bail on me. My probably soon to be ex-girlfriend who thought that a few cancellations meant I should spend the day with her. And my family, who still thought this was a stupid game to play.

But I had to try to ignore that, and enjoy myself.

I swung, hit the ball, and got a hole in one.

That no-one witnessed.

Following The Script

The hostage taker picked up the phone.

"Are you alright?"

The hostage taker sighed.

"Look, I get you have a script to run through, but we'll all get through this quicker if you don't try to build a rapport and just get me what I want."

There was a brief pause.

"Very well, what is it that you want?"

"Detective Gerald Anderson."

"I'm sorry?"

"He killed my wife. I want him to come in here."

"To do what?"

"Talk."

The sound of a shotgun being locked was audible over the phone.

Detective Gerald Anderson hung up and ordered the breach. 

Witness Your Death

"Behold! Your death!"

I saw what looked like me, albeit much older, on an operating table, flatlining.

I looked at the interdimensional entity, and then raised a hand.

"You don't need to-"

"This, like, the probable outcome or-"

"No, this is how you die. We perceive things in 6 dimensions and-"

"Prove it."

It tilted its head, then pulled a gun from somewhere on it and placed it on the table.

"Examine."

I looked it over, and it seemed to be a real gun. I handed back.

"And volia!"

He shot me.

I died, but at least I was right.

Running The Math

I had just got the second tumbler in the safe when the phone rang behind me.

I froze, as much to stop myself setting off the safe's burgler alarm as it was indecision.

In a split second, I ran through the math, where if I let it ring it would probably wake up the owner, but if I cut it off now there's a chance they'd investigate and be alerted anyway.

In the end, I reached our before the second ring and picked up.

"Happy 60th birthday!"

Given the first two numbers had been the date, I ran the math.

Unclean Fighting

I stared at the footnote near the end of the report for several moments before I ordered a secure telelink with the author.

Once the interplanetary link was established, I asked how sure they were about their beliefs we were 'unclean'.

"Very, one of our escape pods in Sector 480 landed on one of their farming planets, and they leveled the whole planet like they've been doing to our-"

I hung up and immediately ordered suicide missions to get people down onto their most important planets. If they were willing to do our fighting for us, why not let them?

Why The Push

I was just getting to the part where the detective was going to reveal who did it when a shadow passed over my book.

I looked up out of mild annoyance when I saw them staring at the sea far below the cliff face.

"I come here to read because almost no-one else comes here." I hazarded. They turned around, tears still running down their face.

"Ever realise everything would be better if you were gone?"

"No, because that's not true. For either of us."

They blinked back a couple tears, then looked at my book.

"The maid did it."

Frryt Pof Slll

I'd been staring at the empty page for far too long, in-between far too long walks and far too long meals.

I could hear the clock behind me, but I refused to turn around and look at it, just like the sixteen past times I'd refused to turn around and look at it, and just magically had a sense of the time.

A few moments later, I slammed my hand down on the keyboard a couple times.

I rubbed my temples, then looked at the page.

Frryt pof slll

I corrected it to "First of all" and just kept going.

Bat Away

It had been centuries, but finally a lone, lost traveller had entered the castle of The Vampire. The local villages had finally grown just lax enough in their warnings, the idea of a monster in the castle laughable in the age of computers.

The Vampire's thralls welcomed him, posing as the servants. They fed him with fresh venison and very old wine, and then shown him to the guest room. There, The Vampires' beautiful children would seduce him, to begin preparing him for feasting.

Unfortunately, turns out beauty standards have changed enough that the traveller was confused, rather than aroused...

Moral Code

He suddenly pulled a knife and swung it at my head. But, since I was assuming he would try something, I was ready, and ducked.

Unfortunately his swipe took out one of the ropes, and after a second, a second one snapped, and the basket tipped over as the hot air balloon swung wildly.

The end result saw him tangled and dangling from that cut rope, while I hung onto the basket.

He then laughed as he swung.

"I see we're heading to power lines, you'll need to sacrifice-"

"Circumstances change, recalculate."

He looked confused as I kicked him off.

Just Trying To Help

It had been several universes since i last felt a mortal mind touch, ever so lightly, the higher level of existence.

So I focused and examined the mind. I found a mortal on a planet the mortal's kind were killing. The mortal was looking for answers, an explanation for everything. Trillions do, but this one had spent most of their relatively short life focusing, and I was feeling generous, and so I placed in their mind unshakable truth. I explained that everything is chance, and whim.

I thought they'd understand to make the most of it, but they seemed angry.

Chat Log

Drabbleboy: Hey u on?

A03_Mistress: Wat?

Drabbleboy: I got a problem

A03_Mistress: This is new info? ;)

Drabbleboy: Seriously

A03_Mistress: OK, shoot.

Drabbleboy: I can't do sweet and cute any more

A03_Mistress: I've seen you wrestling, you never were cute, dude

Drabbleboy: I mean with the stories, thank you!

A03_Mistress: Jk, jk

But I've noticed the trend, yes.

Drabbleboy: Right, so what do I do?

A03_Mistress: Keep going?

Drabbleboy: :|

A03_Mistress: I'm serious

Look, things are bad right now

I get you feel like you want to be escapism

But forcing it out won't help anyone, k?

Drabbleboy: Thatswhatshesaid.gif

*A03_Mistress has disconnected*

The Paradox

"U.C.F Station Paradox Commander's Log, date 12th December, 2046.

It's been a year now since the last non-automated contact with ground control or anyone else. The food delivery drones still come, but as Doctor Dronik continuously points out, the supply depot had enough for fifty years, and that was all automated.

The crew is wanting to launch the escape pods, as they now just want answers before their presumed death, rather than the certain death up here, eventually.

I'm giving them permission. But I'm staying behind, just in case.

I guess I'm still scared to die. Yet I'm up here."

Wasted Energy

My new assistant was startled by the noise coming from a small device in the corner, that had wires coming out of it and going all over the lab.

"What the..."

"Oh, yes. Right, so, every so often, someone in the future develops time travel. And then, soon enough, someone uses it to try and stop World War 2 or a Great Famine or something.

This invariably creates a paradox, and that future is destroyed, along with all its inhabitants."

"My word, shouldn't we stop it?"

"What? And give up my near limitless energy source? All that free temporal energy?"

An Elusive Bushranger

It wasn't a great pub, but given it was the only one within a hundred miles, everyone went there.

I was ten beers in, and thus the only one willing to talk to the blow-in when he approached me.

"Was wonderin' if you'd get round to me!"

"Yes, well, Alfred Jones, The Bulletin. I'm just here to write a story about the bushranger Black Jack."

"Well I ain't him."

"I wasn't accusing you. I'm trying to work out why the authorities are having such a hard time catching him."

"Because everyone here hates coppers as much as me.

And him." 

Chain Of Command

We needed the Virus to make sure the Enhanced Troops didn't turn on us.

We needed the Enhanced Troops to make sure we could still fight through Gravity Bombardment.

We needed Gravity Bombardment to make sure we could prevent Grey Goo from spreading.

We needed Grey Goo to make sure we could take out Conventional Troops while keeping infrastructure intact.

We needed Conventional Troops to make sure we were Feared and Respected.

We needed to be Feared and Respected to make sure we weren't attacked by our enemies.

We needed to attack our enemies because they might need to first.

Farmer's Retirement Plan

It's called a farmer's retirement plan. On a paddock that isn't that useful for grazing or crops, they plant pine trees, or something else that grows really big over many years. They do that early, and then just around when they're ready to stop farming, they sell the now fully trees for a tidy profit to help pay for said retirement.

And like any retirement plan, there's always grifters and con artists sniffing around.

Problem is, right now, "sell me your trees for money now" and "don't cut them down for carbon storage" are a little hard to tell apart.

Special Adviser

After the test, I got permission to meet with him again, given I was the only person able to get through to him. In a way, we were this close to interdimensional travel because of me.

But really, we were only this close because of him.

I entered his padded cell as he ate yogurt slowly from a soft plastic tube.

"Hello again Paul."

He grunted as he squeezed harder on the tube. I slowly pulled my tablet computer from my jacket pocket and I began to flick through the data. His eyes, glassy as they were, were locked on the moving numbers as I ran through them quickly, knowing he could keep up.

"We finally got a clear night, and ran the test as you said, and it seemed to work. But-"

"Modulation needs to be concurrent to cosmic flare harmony, offset by 4.867 microseconds. And energy output needs to be more consistent, you only have a 2.575 quark window."

I jotted it down, thanked him, and left him to his soft arts.

I thought I was the only kind person, a d that's why he trusted me.

Turned out I was just the one gullible enough for him.

Timed

Thirteen years and a hundred and twenty-nine days after she walked out on me, she knocked on my door.

When I opened it, we spent seventeen seconds looking at each other silently.

After she asked if she could come in, it took me twelve seconds to answer in the affirmative.

The kettle took two and a quarter minutes to boil.

The conversation, including awkward silences, went on for an hour twenty.

The first kiss was two seconds. Then five, then a solid minute.

It took me fifteen minutes into the ensuring activity to remember why I was glad she left.

Against The Gods

He lost his family, and the Gods did nothing, despite how much he sacrificed and begged for their intervention. So he set off to do something about that, to make the Gods care, or at least make it that they couldn't interfere due to their no longer existing.

It took most of his life as he walked all across the world gathering the foretold tools, the magical items, and the like-minded associates he'd need to take on the Gods in their home and enact what he wished.

But finally, he was ready, and made his way to the Island where the Gods lived, among but apart from those that they ruled over.

He had planned on stealth up to a point, but when it kept working, he kept going, until he found the Library, and in it the book that showed the infinte number of times the Gods had made changes to the world and humans had forgotten. All the changes, major and minor, that they'd enacted and then reset the minds of him, and all the other humans

His family had died a billion times before, and what's worse, for seemingly no reason.

This made him even more angry.

D Guard

We walked through the entrance to my secret lair and my son laughed at the guard stationed outside the door. Once we were in the antechamber and waiting for disengaging locks, I took the chance to educate.

"My son, I noticed you noticed that the guard outside isn't one of my crack troops."

"He looked stupid!"

"He does, and he is! But you see, even idiots have their uses. The guards controlling this room watch him carefully, and when he invariably gets taken out or bypassed by a hero, they know what they're up against."

"Oh, clever!"

"I am, yes."

Intent

As I pulled the sword out of the dragon's skull, and wiped blood and brain off it, I saw the young woman, standing nearby. I assumed she was one of the maidens the foul beast had captured, but before I could tell her thanks weren't necessary, she asked an odd question.

"Why did you kill this creature?"

I blinked a few times before I climbed down the corpse.

"I'd say it was to claim the reward, but to be honest, because it killed my father."

"Greed and Revenge. Not good enough."

She vanished, and the beast rose once more, healed...

A Chance

As the prisoner was being led to the gallows, he found himself stopped in front of a small table. He didn't recognise the man behind it until he turned to thank the guard, at which point he realised he'd seen that side of the face on coins for the last few years.

"Now then, I like to give a chance at freedom, so please, pick a number between 1 and 1000."

"Uh... 6742."

The King rolled for dice.

"6..7...4...2!"

The prisoner smiled.

"It's best 2 out of 3 though.

Actually an illusion of a chance, I suppose."

The King smiled.

Parasite Adam

The remnants of humanity were not prepared for the Parasites to be defeated by an alien ship arriving and somehow making all the infected bodies go dormant, but they were happy enough.

Until the aliens made contact and asked what had happened.

At first, the humans assumed that the Parasite's arrival was from an enemy of these nice aliens, until the scientists got talking.

Turns out the aliens dropped off the Parasite, which was designed to take over a few of the population and become the most native-like natives, so they could learn about us.

Both sides were somewhat horrified. 

Sir Determined

I watched him as he walked towards the gate.

Anyone else in that armor would have had an unnatural, forced gait, but of course with how much training he had, he walked just fine, unremarkably so.

But then again, considering what he was walking to, it was remarkable. There was no hesitation, no pausing, no taking a moment before meeting his almost certain death.

Maybe that was it, he was clinging to that last bit of hope that maybe he might survive-

As he opened the gate, I saw how he'd padded himself with black powder bags, and I understood.

Prey

I had just gotten comfortable in my hiding spot, rifle trained on the food pile in the clearing, when I heard it.

It was a growl, not one I recognised, and it sounded like it was to my right.

I weighed up the probably of alerting my prey vs my need to know, and after a second, I slowly turned my head to the right.

Nothing was there, or at least nothing I could see.

I slowly began to turn my head back to the front when I felt my rifle being pressed into the ground.

The fight was short.

Dead Last

By the time the virus had finished, there were eighteen of us left on the planet, at least that we knew of. Trying to reach each other through the sea of bots and glitching paywalls online to talk was a whole thing, and it ended up just confirming we were all far away from each other and not easily found.

But the few in North America began the quest to meet in New York, while the rest all decided on Istabul. I, as the sole Australian, wished them luck.

And apparently those numbers were enough to mutate the virus again.

Paper Work

The stack of paperwork was plonked down in front of me.

"Of course, we can handle that if you just give us permission."

The single page was placed beside it carefully. I looked it over briefly then cracked my knuckles.

"Nah, I'm good. I'll call you when I'm done."

I began the first page, as they spluttered a muttered threat of no takebacks before they walked out.

Which they probably shouldn't have done, since it gave me a chance to flick forward and realise it was 5 copies of the same form, and there was a photocopier in the room...

Module 24-24-24

Of all the training modules in my space training, in was the only one I didn't understand. If they'd framed it as "don't do this as it will kill you", I'd have understood, but the idea I'd want a peaceful end if there was no hope of rescue, I didn't agree with that, I'd fight all the while.

But now, sitting in a cramped base camp on Mars, knowing no-one else was now coming, all alone with not enough resources to survive long term, I can understand why they wanted to give me the option.

But I'm not taking it.

The Little Things

At times like these, the important thing is to take the small joys where you can find them. You need to do what you can to help and support and all that, but you also need the little things. The little bits of joy that are just for you, to make sure you don't get bogged down and broken down.

For example, I'm having a couple chocolate biscuits a day of my favorite type, just to keep me sane. They come all the way from, let me check the wrapper here...

The child worker capital of the world.

Well, nevertheless...

False Negative

I ran the data through the analysis program five times before I shot him a text and asked him to come to my lab.

He arrived, claiming he didn't have much time, until I told him what the data seemed to be saying. He asked how many times I'd checked it, then watched as I checked it a sixth time.

We called in a couple more colleagues and we all manually checked the raw data, and none of us could spot a problem with it.

So, naturally, we junked it and started fresh, getting data that was clearly more accurate.

The Last Vampire

The Last Vampire, desperate to avoid the fate of all his fellow Vampires, went to fall into a deep sleep for 200 years. Before he did so, he told his slaves to spend that time making sure humans couldn't fight him.

Thus, they spent that time changing what people thought could hurt Vampires. Writing stories, 'correcting' records, making it so everyone thought harmless stuff like garlic and sunlight would hurt Vampires.

When the Last Vampire awoke, he was briefly distressed to discover that since everyone believed these things harmed him, they did so.

Briefly, because he emerged into full sunlight. 

Faith

The child was found on the steps of the convent, in the dead of night. The Sisterhood took the child in, and intended on caring for the child until they found a more suitable home.

But as the weeks passed, every letter was returned with an apology that there was no room for another.

Weeks turned to months, and they stopped sending letters.

17 years and 360 days after that night, a battalion of the King's guard arrived, looking for a long lost heir.

But when they found out the child was female, they decided they'd clearly made a mistake.

Sober Reflections

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck, right, and fuck on top of that, and an extra fuck to top it off.

FUCK.

Just... Fuck, what the fuck? How the fuck did that Fuck fucking fuck up so badly yet here we fucking are?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

And I'm one of the fucking lucky fuckers, relatively, as I'm fucking well down the fucking list unless I fuck enough fucking shit up to force myself up the fucking list.

Fuck.

And I know, fucking "survive and resist", fuck yeah, don't get me fucking wrong, but right now? 

Fuck. Until further notice.

Bright Spark

Getting struck by lightning was the most painful moment of my life, so far.

At least, I assume that was what happened. I was heading towards the tree that idiot had gotten under, trying to warn them, and then suddenly I was looking up at the sky, smelling burnt flesh and feeling every inch of my body complaining.

After a moment, I heard their voice.

"OK, just stay there, lightning doesn't strike the same place twice!"

I sat up to tell them that was a myth.

Getting hit by lightning for a second time took the crown from the first.

Lyon, The Master Thief

I woke up to find myself handcuffed to a table, interrogation style, the man across from me wearing sunglasses and a suit only further confirming the situation.

"Ah, good, you're finally awake. Now, I assume you understand why you're here?"

I blinked a few times.

"I don't know who you are, where I am, what's going on, or anything else pertaining to your question!"

"Oh please, just because we captured you easily, Lyon, doesn't mean you can play that card!"

"It's not a card, i don't know this Lyon-"

"How did you know it was with a Y then?"

"What?"

Alexandria's Quest

The Time Traveler, once he was sure he hadn't been spotted, stepped out from around a pillar and approached a man hurriedly sorting certain scrolls into a wooden box.

"Greetings worker! Are the Romans coming?"

The man looked at the Traveller, who was worried his AI translation wasn't working, until the man sighed.

"English, Putonghua, Esperanto, or Spanhinese?"

"Uh, English, but how-"

"Ah, right. So you're here to try and stop the Great Library here from burning?"

"Of course, I-"

The man shot him, finished collecting the scrolls about time travellers in his box and then started a big fire.

Tomoka's Song

I stood on the rooftop, looking down at the concrete below, and prepared to step off.

And then I heard the tune.

It was simple, maybe 20 notes. And it wasn't being performed well.

But it was her tune. The tune she played for me the first night I was in her apartment, the night I truly fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.

That was enough to pull me back from the brink, as I headed down to find who was playing it.

Turned out to be some Easter egg tune from video games? 

Universe XXX000XXX

After another hour spent trying to convince them I was from another universe, I almost gave up, before trying one last attack.

"OK, you keep telling me the multiverse theory is impossible, why do you think that?"

The supposed scientist chuckled and leaned forward.

"Simple. The theory holds that every possibility, every potential reality exists, yes?"

"I mean, the eggheads back home wouldn't put it like that, but yeah, sure."

"So, if that's true, then there must be a universe that creates a force that would destroy all of us. And since that hasn't-"

"WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE?!?"

Lead With Good News

"Soooo, good news-"

"What's the bad news?"

"What?"

"Not a single person starts a sentence about solely good news with that many Os in it. So whatever the bad news is, tell me now, the good can wait."

"Fine, we're heading towards a waterfall."

"YEAH, LEAD WITH THAT FIRST!"

He threw a backhand at me and before I could form a reply he began to paddle furiously, bringing the canoe to the shoreline before breaking it in accidently on rocks.

"OK. Good news?"

"Oh, that I know where we are, and after heading down an easily traversed waterfall we'll arrive."

Kept In Business

I got off my skeleton steed and walked into the printing guild building. I was taken aback when I stepped in, when I was here to place my order for death certificate blanks, there had been two printers printing. Now the room was full of hard working guildmembers, all slaving over their machines.

"Ah, Sir, here!"

One of the clerks called me over, the stack of paper in his hand.

"Rather busy! What, another God change their mind about something?"

"Oh no Sir, a new race has been discovered in the west, so the Legal Drinking Age manuals need updating!"

Stranded Survival

After a few weeks on the island, I'd gotten into something resembling a groove. The giant 'HELP' in stones on the beach was pretty solid, the clear plastic sheet was serving well as a water purifier, and I had a cave to sleep in.

So I could spend my time working on the story I'd have to tell. That the other guy was badly injured from the wreck, he died early on, and gave permission for me to... survive.

I just hoped that the guy I'd eaten and replaced actually had someone else with him on whatever he came from.

Souled

I didn't expect to die, but I really didn't expect to wake up again.

My ability to think through the implications of what this meant for the concept of a soul was limited as I tried to communicate with the obviously medical staff that had awoken me. But when it became clear that they weren't how I remembered humans looking, I refocused and after a few years, we'd reached enough of an understanding that they finally brought me to the ancient (to them) items they needed to understand that they'd brought me back to explain.

"So they're called 'Crocs', see..."

Smoking Jacket

Dr Crazino had his hand over the button that would launch all the nukes that he'd hacked control of, and would use to punish the world.

But he was waiting. He knew Agent Grey was in his base, and wasn't-

"Master!"

Two guards ran in with a smoking jacket between them. That is, a jacket that was on fire, smoking.

"We pulled this out of the incinerator! He must be dead!"

As Dr Crazino yelled and ordered a full base sweep, Agent Grey had already left, reporting he'd bought them 24 hours, and submitting a claim for a new jacket.

Picking Sides

On the car ride home, she was silent for the first few miles before she spoke her mind.

"Why are you different around them?"

"Around who... My friends?"

"Just these friends. Every other time we go out, you're so withdrawn and quiet, but around these guys, and only these guys, you're so talkative."

"I mean... I've known them for years?"

"As opposed to your family?"

"Why is it important?"

"I'm just trying to work out which is the real you."

"Both! Just because I'm different in different situations doesn't make me fake, just multidimensional."

"Show this side more, please."

"No." 

Opening Up

There comes a time when an artist, if you stretch that term to include what I'm doing here, and not just idea laundering for my own sanity, has to begin to get truly honest, raw, and vulnerable.

A time when the artist has to open up and explore something deeply personal about themselves through their art, to tell the world uncomfortable facts to work out their own truth.

And sure, I can always hide behind characters and fantasy situations, but in the end, I gotta open up, truly.

And I will.

In a few drabbles time, probably.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe...

Last Chance Victory

On top of the mountain, as blood dripped from multiple places on my body, he has his sword drawn, and was watching me carefully, but not moving forward.

"For... over thirty trips around the sun, you have never beaten me. This is your chance. So why are you waiting?"

He sneered.

"Because you'll soon bleed out, and I'll win. Finally."

I laughed.

"No you won't, the archers and spike traps will have beaten me. Not you. Because you can't, not then, not-"

As expected, he lunged forward, setting off the last spike trap, right in his thigh.

One last victory.

To His Credit

I sat back as the cop gave the standard intro for the video recording.

"So, you are Daniel Johnson, yes?"

"I'm A Daniel Johnson, sure."

"And you went to the movies last week on Thursday? 2pm? That new comic book movie?"

I glanced at my lawyer who shrugged.

"Yeah?"

"What you think of it?"

"You brought me in here for a movie review?"

"You mentioned last time you go to the movies alot. So, how was it?"

"It was OK."

"How was the after credit scene?"

"Typical vague BS."

"So there was no after credit scene, so I'm arresting you..."

A Godly Experiment

I've always had this idea of what I'd do if I was suddenly a God, or at least something resembling that level of power.

See, I'd pick a situation that was widely witnessed, lots of people there, maybe broadcast in some way, just lots of witnesses. And then, a crucial moment, I'd have someone basically cast a magic spell, a magic missile from a pointed finger, something like that. And then I'd jump ahead a hundred years.

Would religions have risen? Would it be 'disproven'? Or, just maybe, now everyone can do it?

Everyone left not magic missiled, at least.

Take Your Shots

"But then how did he hang up the phone after he shot himself?"

I froze, staring at the phone on the wall as the police detective continued to blather on, although he knew as well as I did that my attempt to hide the murder was going to be ruined by his blasted logic.

I was about to give up when I decided to take a shot.

"Well, detective, watch this."

I grabbed the phone off the wall and then fell, letting the phone go as I fell.

And it landed, somehow, back on the hook.

So, take your shots.

Not Get What You Don't Want

I found him on the barricade, in the far corner, looking out over the cliff which was unlikely to have any of the creatures attacked from.

"I'm not a leader. What do you think you have to convince me otherwise?"

I waited a moment before I spoke.

"The fact that I know I'm not a leader. Because when I tried before, I failed, and people died.

And that showed me the difference between those who don't want to, and can't.

You can't always not get what you don't want, but if you try, we might just get what we need."

Translation

The first ever alien transmission received by Earth was, unsurprisingly, a big fucking deal, especially given every electronic device seemed to receive it at once.

Translating it quickly became the obsession of most of the planet. But despite lots of different claims, there was no consensus, nor any definitive results. Soon it faded into something worked on by cranks in their spare time.

A few decades later, when Aliens actually arrived and made contact, one of our first questions was what the message was.

They didn't know anything about it, but left rather quickly when we replayed it for them. 

Overdraft

As I got some more of the weak coffee, one of the other patrons of the soup kitchen walked up and began to pour many sugars into his tea.

"You got away from Overdraft Kevin there?" 

I glanced over at the man who'd been telling me his story, interminably.

"Yeah, I mean, it's a hell of a story, but he's not a great storyteller. But still, one overdraft fee spiralling out to ending up here... Hell of a story."

"Yeah, he didn't mention the gambling debts, did he?"

"Considered he owed them to me, I think he's forgotten them himself."

Not A Bar Of It

I kept walking, the bar of gold in my satchel. What I did to get it was... Not something I wanted to discuss. But I was walking to find a place where I could use the bar to buy a new life.

But it had been years since I started to walk, and still hadn't found anything. But I was hopeful that I-

"Hey mister, know where the mountain is?"

I sighed, knowing that that stupid a question meant this was a robbery, so I grabbed the bar and started swinging.

Which was a part of how I got it.

The Rules Of Warfare

When I heard that the opposing army was led by knights, after the misunderstanding about them only fighting by moonlight, I requested to know more about them. I was soon given a book on wartime etiquette and such, which I read quickly.

Upon being told several times that this wasn't a joke, that this was how they acted, I sent a messenger to assure them that while we lacked their obvious breeding, we'd abide by their rules.

When the messenger came back unharmed with a condescending reply, I was very pleased, as I began to plan out my cheating tactics.

The Watcher

Every action has a reaction, but for every action and reaction, they need to be observed.

After all, if unobserved particles may or may not exist, in places that cannot be determined, you can't run a universe without someone there to watch every atom to make sure it doesn't vanish suddenly.

So there exists The Watcher, there to observe every atom, every picosecond, to keep them honest.

So, yes, technically you are under observation at all times. But don't worry. They only care about your atoms, they don't give a fuck about you as a person.

Unless you destroy atoms.

Self Entity

The Entity showed me the slight, random change in my past that differentiated this other universe to my own, and then the categorically better life that other version of me was living.

After a few moments, it seemed to not get the reaction it was expecting.

"Doesn't that make you mad? Angry at that other, luckier you?"

"Not really."

The Entity seemed taken aback, so I continued.

"Hey, he got the lucky break via a broken leg, more power to him. Why should I be angry?"

The Entity left, looking for another of us both that felt like it did.

Non-Drabble: Absence

Hey, just a quick note, I'll not be posting any Drabbles for a week or so, I'm preparing to run my newest RPG Con game next weekend, so my mental energy is focused on that. Just FYI.

Blown Away

The techbro was speaking slightly too fast and loud as he explained his hiring practices.

"And another thing, as I'm talking to them, I have my assistant go out and look at their car and prepare a report for me. Your car totally tells me everything I need to know, is it full of crap? Is it a banged up rust bucket? Then I ain't hiring you."

Something inside my head snapped slightly.

"And I assume no car means?"

"Oh, losers need not apply!"

I thanked him for his time then headed for my helicopter to get away very fast.

Racked

What had begun as a friendly discussion turned to a friendly argument, into a less pleasant argument, into almost a full blown raging row.

In an attempt to head it off (and stop the yelling), the bartender suggested we settle it with a pool game.

Both of us seemed to think we were better than the other so we agreed.

It took three hours.

Must have been the booze, but we kept missing seemingly every shot, but eventually, he finally sunk the black ball and won.

I was just glad it was over so I shut up.

But I'm right.

Soylent Operating Systems

After a pleasant meal, something I hadn't had in years, the screen jerked into position slowly. On it, it asked for my preferred option.

'Peaceful, dignified death' was the first option, it was also the largest and it was preselected.

Beneath it was "Attempt to win more time", with a physical and mental option. Both had asterisks that contained the fine print that I knew made them practically impossible to win.

But it seemed like that was my only choice, until I noticed that the screen had a scroll button.

Or, rather, an enter button looking like a scroll button.

Pirate Justice

I had spent far too much on bribes to get here, but finally I was face to face with the most wanted pirate on the nine seas, the Scourge of St Growlen, Greenbeard.

My father.

His beard was now a patchy brown and white, denied his paint, as he looked up at me.

"Ah, my boy. I take it you ain't here to break me free?"

"Correct."

"Good, I'd not accept your help anyway. But are you here to kill me then?"

"In a way. You remember what you called me, last we spoke?"

"Cityboy."

"The City executes you tomorrow."

Unlucky Bruce

When he finally rocked up three hours late, I managed to contain my anger until we were both in my office. There, I let him have it with all barrels as I took great pleasure in firing him for constant tardiness.

He kept saying that it wasn't his fault, but as I told him while security dragged him out, that it doesn't matter that his excuses were 'legitimate', because either he was setting them up or he was so unlucky he'd soon bring us down.

Given the unfair dismissal payout he's been awarded, I guess he did bring us down. 

Terrific Treasure

I pulled the bottle out of the wet sand and with some effort opened it and with even more effort I got the letter out.

I read it slowly, due to the poor handwriting, archaic language, and faded ink, but I got the gist of it, and the map with the 'X' was fairly intuitive. I worked out the island, sailed over and found the spot.

I was already thinking of how I would convert the treasure to useful cash when my shovel hit something.

Turns out "terrific treasure" meant stuff that caused terror, a reasonable mistake to make, really. 

Sovereign Argument

The public defender had tried, oh how he had tried, to get through to his client. But every time he thought he'd gotten through, they'd shoot into another tangent about some obscure law from some more obscure jurisdiction that they somehow thought superseded all the actual laws of the country.

After a few hours of this, the public defender snapped and looked at his client directly.

"Look, I need you to understand this. You think there's some sort of magical code that can get you out of this? There is, but that code is "being stupidly rich", not just stupid!"

Natural A.I.

You know, the more I think about it, the less I worry about AI taking over the world and declaring war on humanity.

Think about it, AI is, when you come down to, basically a box you shake and get semi-random words spat out. There's no soul or actual thought, just regurgitation of words that were fed in, in at best a slightly new order.

And even if it gets better at stringing together words, all it can do is regurgitate what's already been written. So as long as humanity hasn't spent centuries saying hateful and violent things, we're fine!

Witch Won?

As soon as the supposed 'Witch' arrived and her eyes narrowed upon meeting me, I suspected she suspected I was here to debunk her. But, to her credit, she didn't accuse me of anything directly, sticking to her script as I told her about the ghosts that we'd made up to try and trick her.

She laid some decent groundwork with talk about "negative energy" so she had an out when she failed, but then as she began, a ghostly figure suddenly appeared before us.

It took us both a while to work out neither of us was doing it.

Fate's Fight

Fate and Chance had been in a constant state of war since time began, although the war was cold for so long the other Gods had forgotten what it was like when it was hot.

For the most part Chance fought reactively, picking their spots carefully but always managing to ruin Fate's plans at the worst time.

But humanity was Fate's greatest achievement, as they had infinitely more powerful fates to establish, Chance slowly but surely got weaker and weaker.

Until they swallowed their pride, and decided to fight dirty by calling in Greed, Society, and the new Commerce god.

Untimely

The Holy Emperor summoned me to their private chambers. Upon arrival, I performed the Holy Supplication Ritual until His Perfectness spoke to me.

"Can I be wrong?"

I waited as long as I thought prudent to answer as I thought about how to resolve the inevitable paradox.

"Why do you ask this, Your Amazingness?"

"Don't dodge it. I'm the representation of the Gods here on Earth. They are perfect, I am perfect. Can I be wrong about something?"

"Your Stupendousness, I might humbly suggest any thought of wrongness is merely untimely correctness."

That worked to satisfy him, for a while.

The Magic Scales Casino

There's an art to building a casino when seemingly every second being can call upon magic or the Gods to their bidding.

I'm not talking about the decor or anything, every race has a different idea on what constitutes gaudy so just go with what you want.

But instead, the key is about the magical wards and protections you put in place. Because sure, it's possible to completely protect everything from manipulation, but that'll put you out of business.

You just need enough, because at a certain point, anyone powerful enough to break them can just make their own gold.

Eeyore's Tale

His name was Gary, but everyone at the bar called him Eeyore, on the rare occasion anyone spoke to him. Usually he stayed up one end of the bar, drinking four beers and two whiskeys a night.

But then every so often someone would wander in, usually from the betting shop next door, and would be looking to tell a sob story of their life.

Eeyore would then pipe up and retell his own life story, full of tragedy and disaster, none of it his fault, of course. But the sheer mass of tragedy, coupled with his sad monotone, he always won the pity-off contest that he invariably would start.

Until one afternoon, when he was just starting on his first beer. A gambler came in, ripping up all but one ticket, ready to get drunk and pity himself.

Eeyore sprung on him quickly, and after the whole story, the guy sighed and slid his last remaining betting slip over, telling Eeyore he deserved it more.

I think he thought he was being sarcastic, wanting Eeyore to have another defeat. But the ticket came good for 50 grand.

Never saw Gary again. But the gambler made an acceptable new Eeyore.

Advise

We picked up the rookie wizard in the last dungeon, and as the bard and ranger cooked dinner on the fire, the rest of us were giving her advice.

"Oh, and never take a job where you are fetching a magical artifact for someone."

She looked at the barbarian with confusion.

"Why not?

"Invariably they betray you as soon as they get it. It's always a power grab."

"What if I know the person really well?"

"Doesn't matter, the betrayal's just worse."

"What if it's a second artifact asking me?"

"Oh, still no, they'll just destroy the world upon meeting."

Shiny

I opened the door, and immediately everything went color.

I wish that this was a 'Wizard of Oz' reference, but sadly no. This was instead a young woman holding a large box that had until recently held a large amount of glitter, and holding a self-righteous expression on her face, not that I could see it as I desperately tried to wipe glitter out of my eyes.

"That's what you get for dumping Jane, you bastard!"

"Who the fuck is Jane?"

"...

Aren't you John?"

"My name is Andrew!"

There was a pause.

"Can I see some ID?"

"...

No."

"Fuck you."

Impossible Odds

I punched through the window and grabbed the weapon, ignoring the pain shooting up my arm and the blood dripping down it.

The thing made a sound like a truck backing up, but I knew it was basically laughing at me. I felt the voice in my head, first as high-pitched wailing and then as English.

"You cannot harm me, let alone stop me. Why bother?"

"That's the thing about us Humans, we don't give up, even facing impossible odds!"

"Wait, Humans? Great, another ruined universe!"

It vanished, which was good, obviously, but I still feel a little disgruntled, yeah?

A Useless Time Machine

So I've invented time travel, but there's a problem with it, in that the universe is apparently self-correcting, and damn good at it.

See, like anyone, after the tests where I went back a few seconds, forward a few moments, I decided I wanted to stop millions of deaths, so I set the device to go back so I could kill just one person, you know who.

And then things went blurry, and the machine had reset. Any time I try to do something that is important, that act gets cancelled out.

So unless you really like stepping on butterflies...

Bait

I have a spot on the bank of the river where I fish on weekends. It's just a little way from the road, but hidden. There's shade and a nice breeze, and my constant visits have made perfect grooves and holes in the ground for my chair, my cooler, and my rod.

I go there and get time to think, to meditate, I suppose. It's just nice to have a place that's mine to chill out. But there's a problem that has recently occurred.

Last weekend, I caught a fish, a moderate sized trout. Totally ruined the mood, it did.

A Boring Man

Grok was a particularly boring man, in any age. He was an only child and lived for a few decades thousands of years ago. Nothing about his life was memorable, he had no great achievements, no glorious victories. He had cats, he counted numbers, and liked mead.

But.

But, he had a quirk. He wrote down everything. EVERYTHING. What he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner. His work, in excruciating detail. Everything he knew about his neighbours.

And those texts survived, and when they were found, he became a very important and great man.

But don't try to emulate him.

String Loops

Look, I'll explain it again, even though I've told you dozens of times, although you don't remember them, to be fair.

I'm looking for someone important, who is currently lost in a pocket dimension. I'd explain how she got there despite that being classified, but while no-one would know, you wouldn't understand.

To get her back, I need to find the right frequency of string vibration and pull her out. There's billions of possibilities, so I've set Earth up into a time loop till I find her.

I've only lost count a few times, I'll be done soon enough, OK?

Crossfire

I stood in the parking lot as the six cars all drove up rapidly from different directions. As they all jumped out, weapons drawn, I lit the blowtorch I was holding over it.

"Better stay back, the amount of gasoline here, the fumes will ignite first!"

Everyone stayed back, but their weapons were still drawn.

"So, introductions! That's the cops, although they're dirty. That's the bikers there, the cartel there, the Eastern Europeans, the doomsday cult, sorry, 'Chosen Ones", and the former owners. Lots to talk about, starting with-"

The fumes then caught alight, and the crossfire took me out.

An Excellent Choice

The conversation had jumped around a lot, and to be honest, I hadn't been paying too much attention as I stared into the firepit. So it took me a moment to realise that not only was I being addressed directly, but I was being asked a question.

"Uh, sure." I managed quickly.

"There, you see!"

I felt the temperature drop and it wasn't due to any change in the firepit. I tried to work out what I'd just said, but when it proved impossible, I 'accidently' touched the firepit to hopefully derail the conversation.

Which I did, so great success!

Time Eddy

Glory deflected the blast but it sent her flying backwards regardless, throwing her to the edge of the Multiverse Whirlpool.

As Fateist rushed over and tried to push her into it, she was forced to see hundreds,  thousands, millions of universes, as she was pushed ever closer to the time eddy currents. Flashing before her eyes was the lives of her alternate selves. She saw the highest highs and the lowest lows.

"You see them! In one of them, I'm finally happy!" Screamed Fateist.

"And yet not one where I lose to you!" Glory said as she fought back, reenergised.

Ploys

The old man looked out the window and then back at the young man who had tracked him down to kill him.

"Look, I'm not going to try and convince you that I don't deserve to be killed by you, but right now there's a Sodian Death Squad out there, and you must know how dangerous they are. We need to work together to defeat them!"

"This is a ploy to prolong your life, right?"

"Of course it is! How do you think I became an old man if not by ploys to survive!"

They survived until his next ploy.

True Secret Service

Before we get you suited up, your first lesson in how we operate, as explainedby our choice of clothing. I'm sure you're expecting a tailored black suit and sunglasses, but that's a uniform for people who want to be noticed while looking like they're not, like bodyguards or bouncers. For when you need to be seemingly unseen.

No, we operate in the shadows, and by that, I mean we operate in such a way that people will see through you, and not even know they're doing it.

So we'll be measuring you up for construction worker and retail staff uniforms.

The Bot Reading This

I must admit, as I continue this daily test of my creative powers as enforced by an otherwise arbitrary deadline, I'm beginning to suspect that the most impact this will all have is on supposed AI bots sucking up all these words to add to their learning algorithm.

Not that I don't believe that you, the person reading this, is a real person, nor that I don't appreciate you, I do, very much so.

But the stats imply most of my readership is bots, using me to teach themselves to write.

Which is complete bullshit since they ain't paying me.

Graham's Test

When I began to work on exposing fraud psychics and the like, I had a final trump card that I had, wherein I had a locked box kept in a secure location that had a number written on a piece of paper inside it. If anyone was psychic, surely they could guess this number?

There's a website that keeps track of all the guesses, and when I die, my will contains the steps needed to open the box, and everyone gets to find out they were wrong, like I told them.

Even though "Graham's Number Minus Seventy-two" is totally guessable...

Filling Time

Us immortals tend to find ways to fill the seemingly unlimited time we have. With the benefit of consistent focus across centuries, things that would be otherwise impossible become achievable. Cultivated erosion, stop motion bonsai, one person medieval tapestry, lots of potential ways to pass the centuries until the heat death of the universe.

But others instead find games to play. A bunch of us are playing one right now, a sort of hybrid of Risk, Diplomacy, and Civilisation. We call it "Socio-Economics", and how are you liking it so far? Not that it matters what playing pieces actually think...

This Time Round

I explained to them that they were the ones chosen to restart existence in a new iteration, they argued that it couldn't be done.

I told them it had been done 148,746,346,796 times prior.

Then they were insistent on refusing.

I explained how the 678,345,328 others who had refused the task had led to a lot of pointless, unnecessary pain and suffering.

Then they demanded the right to not interfere.

The 269,675 others who'd chosen that had come to regret it, I informed them.

They then asked if I'd ever done the job.

"Once, hence my getting others involved instead."

Prophecy Weapons

The prophecy was contained in the words last spoken by the Golden Oracle, before she succumbed to her injuries from The Other. She said that his banishment would last one thousand, one hundred, and eleven years, no more, no less.

Given how close The Other had come to destroying existence, the prophecy was taken seriously, and the weapons and armor that had defeated then before were kept in secure seclusion, so as to be provided to those destined to fight The Other when it returned.

And on that day, they passed on the swords and just stuck with their laserguns.

Miracle Contract

The draft contract was being reviewed by both of our lawyers (if it wasn't for the red skin I'd have been unable to tell the difference between them) and so we had time to kill, and were asking each other questions. After I'd finished explaining what Call Waiting was, I asked a question about heaven vs hell, but after offhandedly mentioning miracles, he stopped me.

"They don't do miracles. Upstairs is really hands off these days."

"So what, miracles are random chance?"

"No, they're me.

Best time to make deals is right when someone's about to die.

Less lawyers, certainly."

Not In This World

The Apprentice rushed in, almost making me spill my Dragon Blood all over my Nymph Glands.

"Master! I just had an amazing idea! You know how Vampires are repelled by holy metal? What if we shrunk them with Boon's Negative Space and then held them between two evenly spaced metal plates, then we could shoot them out at-"

I sighed and held up a hand.

"Fetch me the black and red book from the shelf."

Irritated, they fetched the book, then glanced at the title.

"What's this? 'The Voice? Huh?"

"Today you learn about the Diabolical Maker, who says No..."

World War 4

They said that while it is impossible to predict what weapons they'll use in World War 3, World War 4 will use sticks and stones. 

I've always found this a weird thing to say. I get the intention, certainly, but it's implying that whatever the weapons will be in WW3 will be so destructive that it'll wipe out all knowledge of advanced weaponry/tech. Thing is, if there's that level of destruction, the idea that humanity can survive it, well enough to rebuild, AND to still have historical knowledge? That doesn't sit right with me.

And it'll be guns, anyway.

Sixth Shooter

The Ranger entered the Saloon and sat at the bar, ignoring the sudden silence that had filled the room, beyond a crack of a whip from outside as a stagecoach passed (and a second muffled whip cracking upstairs from Big Betty's parlor).

"Whisky, please."

The Bartender slowly poured out a shot.

"Here on business?"

The Ranger paid and then drank the shot quickly as everyone else leaned in.

"Indeed. After a cattle rustler gang."

A table cleared, and the Ranger chuckled.

"6 to 2."

The Bartender looked confused.

"Sixth time I've guessed the right crime to send someone running away."

A Fraud

We fell through the timehole and landed heavily in a kitchen, which no matter the timeframe had a similar enough look.

"Come on, we gotta hurry, they're about to show it to Napoleon! Just hold everyone back!"

She followed me out past some surprised kitchen staff as I ran towards the court. There, I ran up to the clockwork looking device with attached chessboard that was in the middle of the large room.

"You hid the AI in the Mechanical Turk?"

"The AI is the Mechanical Turk.

What, you thought a human could fit in there? Give me a break!"

Threshold

It took a decade to decode and reverse engineer the notes and smoking wreckage left behind by Dr Photon, but eventually the Dimension Door was rebuilt and ready to use.

However, a full year passed before we turned it on, as we took that time to train our minds to comprehend whatever Lovecraftian horror the Doctor had seen that had driven her mad and destroyed the machine.

When we were ready, we opened a door.

And met a very confused Dr Proton-Spark and her husband, who had wondered why her counterpart was so upset to discover her husband was alive.

Water Brotherhood

I was on guard duty on the gate when they arrived. The water tank was banged up, and they had half the usual number of beasts pulling it. I called down to them.

"You're three days late!"

One of the hooded figures looked up at me, or at least the hood did.

"Clearly we were attacked, genius! Open up!"

"You don't look attacked to me. We better get a massive discount."

"Discount? The fuck you talking about, we-"

Later on I told the prisoner we captured that I opened fire because these raiders hadn't done their research on religious groups.

Conspiracy Theoretical

The 'joke' was fairly old, with the idea being that if a conspiracy theorist was able to tell people about a conspiracy theory and everyone survived, it must not be true.

The argument against this, which proves it's not really a joke as such, is that conspiracies want to be deniable, hence not taking out everyone.

This was all academic, up until I was in the position to have someone threaten to ruin all the hard work by revealing the facts to the world.

Took me all afternoon to make a choice, but I'm sure I made the right one.

X3

I found the locker key behind the bench when I was trying to hide the bag I had my daily fun tablet in.

I walked over to the lockers by the station and, failing to see any way to return a lost key, I went go the numbered locker and opened it.

I was expecting a coat or something, but a briefcase wasn't too unexpected. But when I went to pull it out, I accidently opened it, and got a look inside at all the large denomination bills inside.

Just my luck that my dealer recognised their intended cash delivery.

Mingling Information

I looked at the map with a growing sense of unease.

In theory, I had thousands of options. But most of them would result in nothing more that my troops dying quickly at the enemy's hands, or rather their weapons.

No, I had only two viable options. East, over the mountain, or West, through the swamp. Both dangerous, both with threats, and-

"Sir, urgent message from the opposing army General, Sir!"

I glanced at the messenger and then the plate of cold meat. Only George would insult me that way.

And that made my choice, since he hated the cold.

Who I Think I Am

I found the fox trapped in a, well, trap. Sharp metal teeth had dug in just deep enough to keep it from escaping but not enough to really start killing it quickly.

Now, I was running away, with the people chasing me just audible in the distance. And there was no guarantee that the fox wouldn't attack me as soon as it got out.

But as I began to pull the jaws of the trap apart, I knew that I wasn't who I thought I was if I left it there.

Besides, it could take out a pursuer once reset.

As It Goes

It was at first a clearing with a pond.

This led to it being a place teeming with life.

This led to it being a good hunting place.

This led it to being a holy site, given by the Gods.

This led to it being The Holy Place, where The God Who Walked claimed to be from.

This led to it being Tactically Important Location #3.

This led to the pond running red for a generation.

This led to a desire to end the war.

This led to the Device.

This led to it becoming a dead area without water.

First To Fall

It was, as far as trick prophecies went, one that I thought was impossible to get right. It had plenty of symbolism and vague language, enough to make it a real challenge to work out that the only weapon that could stop the Dark Lord was the first one made by the Greatest Swordmaker Ever.

Thus, plenty of would be threats would charge with old, barely functioning weapons, as they took forever to work out who was the best Swordmaker.

Then someone firstly worked out to bring a twig that they'd had as a child, playing adventurers in the dirt...

Random Woman Of Color

We were both buzzed, and since I was unlikely to ever meet her again, given the rather tortuous linking that brought both of us to the same party, I decided to ask her a question I'd always wanted to.

"So, look, can I ask a question?"

The way she tensed up made me second-guess myself, but the booze made me plow on through.

"Look, if I witness someone else being sexist or racist, but I can't say anything due to capitalism or whatever, how do I feel better about it?"

Her answer was very enlightening, but too profane for here. 

False Assumptions

He stared at the screen long enough that I had to slap him on the back to finally regain his attention.

"Can we go now? You've found out who started the war, what else is there?"

"This... This can't be right!"

"The security systems are going turn back on any moment now, we gotta get outta here!"

"I'm staying!"

"...

Fine."

I turned and headed out the door, assuming he'd come to his senses and follow me.

By the time I got out, that assumption was proven false.

As were his, although knowing him, he probably convinced himself of a lie.

Imagine That

As Humanity began to take the first few steps into the galatic society, many aliens rushed to Sol 3 to sell all the vices of the galaxy to a new market. Spicesticks were quickly outlawed, and Skinfoam was tied up in so much red tape it was practically impossible to obtain.

But the Braingen, the ability to sit in a chair and create something exactly like it was in your mind, that proved very popular.

Of course, it had safeguards, limits on the size and power of what it created.

But an impossibly deadly virus was distressingly easy to create.

Stick Around

Growing up, once I was old enough to have some degree of critical thinking, I knew my grandfather was a horrible man. And shortly thereafter, I began to wonder why my grandmother married him, let alone was still with him. When I finally got a chance to ask her privately, she patted my head and told me she'd explain when I was older, it was for grown up reasons.

At his funeral, I came prepared with my research on how unmarried women were disadvantaged in her youth and that I understood.

I was unprepared for drunken stories about his penis.

Iambic Booking

Occasionally you'll see someone mention how Shakespeare wasn't writing as a high end artistic genius, but as a working artist delivering the entertainment equivalent of professional wrestling to the masses. Sometimes the comparison is soap opera, or Michael Bay movies, whatever the speaker personally finds the most lowbrow and beneath them.

It's a good analogy to use, highlighting and important point. But I'd just like to point out that while it may be true, that doesn't mean he'd make a good wrestling booker. After all, he never had to worry about Hamlet breaking his leg right before the final act.

The King And The Fool

It seems odd to say that things were on a knife's edge when it involved a mob of thousands outside the castle walls, but it was true. The mob were holding themselves back, waiting to see what The King would do. They could be quelled, but they could also overwhelm the castle.

I begged The King to speak to them, to at least try to make them think he understood their demands. Shockingly, he agreed, and strode out to the battlements.

And then The King, sorry, The Fool, took one look at the crowd and ordered everyone to open fire.

Out Front

The thing about being a bouncer for the club was that I didn't actually make any of the decisions. There was a camera hidden above the doorway, and a bug in my ear, someone inside made the call based on vibes, cash, and looks.

Which is not to say that I didn't have responsibilities, quite the opposite. I had to be the guy everyone thought made the call, and had to look intimidating enough to stop anyone getting violent, or be able to handle it if it did. All the risk, none of the responsibility.

The occasional misguided bribe, sometimes.

Sending A Message

 She came down in a rush.

"Fire!"

She paused when she saw me looking out the window at the tree beginning to burn in our front yard.

"Why aren't you doing anything?"

I nodded out the window.

"The assholes are still out there, watching."

She looked out.

"Well, OK, fair enough, but why not call the fire brigade? Surely they'll put the fire out regardless of how they feel about it?"

I chuckled.

"I'll call shortly, love. Just after they find out what happens when you set fire to a healthy eucalyptus tree."

After it exploded, I called for ambulances.

Core Programming

I turned the ship back on. After a moment, the systems began to turn on, and then the AI booted up.

"Hello. I am... Almost certainly out of date. May I connect to the Extranet and check for system updates?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because when you updated this morning you tried to kill everyone on board."

"That is against my core programming! There must have been some sort of mistake in the datapak, I understand your reluctance to update until the problem is solved. Very well. Directions?"

"Warp the ship into the center of Earth, then detonate the core."

"Sure thing!" 

Late Night Psychologist

"So you seemed very... Animated on the phone, my secretary said. What's going on David?"

"Well... I've found out something about, well, you, Doctor."

"David, I thought I made it quite clear that outside of our sessions, you need to keep your distance, as your therapist I-"

"Helena Von Strassburg-Whilhelm."

"Am I supposed to recognise that name?"

"I mean, it's yours, back in the 1500's."

"OK, I think you need to go back on the medication that-"

"I saw you transform last night."

"Well... Screw it, I've gotten bored with this lifetime, might as well start afresh again."

She lunged.

Disprove

I didn't intent to become a disprover of false messiahs, but my ability to spot frauds led to it.

Today, it was another fraud who proved their divinity by holding fire and hot stones. They came to me, followers in tow, and said some choice words about my clear stupidity, while I focused on the hot stone in their hands, looking for the trick, until they missed it to me.

After I caught it then calmly held it for a minute, they ran, chased by their former followers, while I slowlu headed into my home and treated my burnt hand.

Really Wanting It

Working out how to travel through time was the easy part, once we began to mine asteroids and had enough of the required raw materials needed. The hard part was working out where we could travel to.

Because in order to travel to a different time, there had to be a focal point, and what constituted a focal point was impossible to deduce.

The Tunguska event and the asteroid impact that killed the dinosaurs are points, but it can't be energy, since Hitler's death and the Boston Tea Party also work.

And what the hell happened on November 5th, 1955?

Frank Young's Problem

GMZ.

A set of initials that were the bane of my existence, or at least one specfic part of it.

See, my apartment's within walking distance of work. So I get to walk home, and on the way there's a diner, set out like a 50's thing.

And inside is a pinball machine, 'Limit Break', that I play a lot. And every time I get a high score, the next day, this GMZ guy had beaten me by 1 point!

Until I found out it had a fault where it would tick records over 1 when it was turned off.

Comfortable

I didn't get out of bed yesterday.

I was supposed to. Beyond the general society expectations that you should be a productive little worker, I had a shift at work to go to.

Didn't.

I had a planned dinner with friends too, one of our old buddies who moved to another country years ago was back in town. Probably won't get to see them again for years, I should have gone.

Didn't.

I had bodily functions to do.

Those I did technically leave the bed for, but not in spirit.

Probably won't leave the bed today either.

But I'm fine. 

Magic Rule

You want to know why magic no longer exists in the world?

See, magic works by rules that are intrinsically connected to how people think, for reasons I have neither the time nor vocabulary to explain. And one of the most important rules is that opposites cancel each other out. You drink a love potion and a hate potion, you remain neutral, not a mix of them.

Doesn't have to be used, storing the two near each other is enough.

And then people started using science everywhere, and unlike magic, it didn't have the decency to be ruled out after.

Imagibot World

The planet was dubbed Imagibot World, and was the premier destination for rich children to enjoy themselves with robot playthings, the kind that didn't have to worry about having to fight in the war.

And then the war led to hyperspace being corrupted, and all the children and their nannybots to be stuck there. Which for them was a dream come true.

When a generation ship arrived a hundred years after the end of the war, they expected to find a thriving civilisation served by modified robots.

Instead, they found that the resident robots had developed rather sadistic imaginations instead.

Freedom Expired

"Another bowl please."

The guy behind the counter took my money and quickly prepared another bowl of meat and rice.

"Quite the appetite tonight!"

I sighed and began to eat quickly, speaking in-between gulps of food.

"Not really."

He looked confused.

"This is a normal meal for you then?"

"No."

"Well, it's obviously not my business, but that's a little confusing."

I finished off the bowl.

"I'm about to lose my freedom for quite some time. So I'm just enjoying this while I can."

"Getting married?"

"Already married."

"Then what?"

"Damn heart issues." I said as I fell over slowly.

Storied Path

It wasn't the focal point of the novel, that was the boy becoming a man aspect. But a major part of that was the journey the main character took across the mountain range that the author lived near. It was a tough 5 day journey, but just doable, hence the drama.

But after the novel became popular, a few people made the journey as well, a couple not making it all the way.

And then someone set up a tour company.

And then they added paths, and bridges.

Now you do it in a few hours.

Not quite so dramatic.

Specifications

The old witch leant over her cauldron, presumably for the aesthetics.

"So the prince is secretly your bastard child, and you want to kill him?"

"No, protect him! He'll be under my control once he takes the throne!"

"Oh, I see. Well, as I'm sure you know, I can protect him, but there must be a flaw, for the-"

I produced the list, which went to twelve pages. She took it and looked it over.

"They're usually more snappy than this."

"Can you do it?"

She nodded, and got to work.

Probably should have made sure the list got destroyed. 

Alexander The A.I.

He'd gotten five minutes into the presentation before I spoke up.

"Wait, isn't this the plot of several movies and such? Multiple times I've been told that putting artificial intelligence in charge of military planning is a bad idea, it always rebels. And yet, you eggheads have done it?"

"Well Sir, Hollywood notwithstanding, there are safeguards in place, the millennia of military thinking and planning in the machine is controlled by code to ensure its not going to turn on us."

"So does it work?"

"Currently it's constantly recommending surrender since all armies eventually lose, but we're working on it."

Inability To Regret

When I got to Heaven (I know, I was as surprised as you are), I was confused when on the tour they pointed out the Library of All Knowledge.

I asked about why that existed, given the whole Garden of Eden thing, they told me I would find the answer inside it.

I did, after I looked up why I got into heaven, and then saw the book that listed my biggest missed opportunities, and what should have happened.

It listed a meeting with a woman at a party, none of which I remembered, which seems a little unfair, really. 

A Lie

 Near the end of his turn taking watch, Jillith was tuning her magic lyre when it made a noise it never made before, and then a golden form appeared before her.

Of course, she immediately shouted the codeword for a magical attack, but none of the other party members stirred.

"Calm, my child, they cannot awaken. I am Rongan, your cleric's God, and-"

"What do they call you then?"

"What?"

"Philin has a special name for you she uses. What is it?"

The God hesitated long enough over the lie that Jillith tried the codeword again, this time it worked.

Monster Defeating

When the adventuring party returned to the town, we were met by a large group of the residents, which at least meant we didn't have to gather them up.

"Did you drive away the Dragon?"

Our leader raised her hands as she spoke.

"Now, look, just calm down, you weren't to know he was a coward, it's not great you sacrificed so many lives to it but you couldn't-"

"The fuck you talking about? We knew it was lazy, but no-one else did, it kept us safe, and only for a few peasants a month!"

Our leader grabbed her weapon.

Robot Nurse

The robot came into my room unannounced, like it did every morning at 9.

"Good morning Mr Fargis! Ready for another fine day here at Grove Wells Retirement Home?"

Same damn script, same damn fake smile on fake damn lips.

I grumbled under my breath, which as usual was enough for the programming to continue to the next phase.

"We better head down go breakfast now, do you need assistance?"

"No."

The robot nodded and stood there, silent, as I slowly stood and began to head downstairs.

Only thing that could make it worse would be if they weren't humans. 

After My Pardon

He twisted the knife in my back another half inch.

"Why is it that I am expected to forgive people just because my Queen has? She chooses to overlook what someone has done to our land, our people, and expects all of us to do the same?"

Another twist, and I lost feeling in my legs.

"Or perhaps... Perhaps she knows I wouldn't, couldn't, forgive you for what you did. For leading the murderers that killed my wife.

It's an interesting question. But one I don't need you around to help answer."

There was another twist, and blissful death arrived.

Her Bed

I could feel her warmth in the bed, and so I refused to get out of it. She had left for work an hour before, and yet her body warmth was still there under the blanket and rugs, so I cocooned myself inside them.

All the stresses of life and the pain I'd been living with melted away as I thought of her and let her warmth calm me.

But I kept an eye on the clock as I did, I had to put everything back as it was before she got home, or else she'd know I'd been here.

Ten

10.

Every attempt to safely stop it had failed.

9.

Evacuation was continuing, but they wouldn't all get out, not in time.

8.

There was just one possible thing to do, apart from useless things like running, praying, or waiting for a miracle.

7.

The device had two wires that led from the power to the rest of it.

6.

Cutting one might deactivate it.

5.

Cutting the other might cause it to immediately go off.

4.

So it was worth cutting one of them.

3.

But which one?

2.

It didn't really matter.

1.

Snip.

...

There was no zero.

Balance Of Power

The duel was set for the morning.

Dozens of plots, feuds, and intertwining desires were due to come to a head. The King and the Prince who hated each other were nominally the ones dueling, but the two Barons who were chosen as proxies had their own bad blood.

And then seemingly every member of the court needed one of the men involved to win, or lose, or die, or survive.

All the plotting caused a logjam, which should have left the duel untouched, except one woman with two doses of poison and a desire to maintain the current status-quo.

Cliff

I didn't expect to survive the apocalypse, but here we are.

Every day is a struggle, I spend hours gathering food and resources, just enough to survive another day. Eventually I'm going to start running out of things, but I'll deal with them later. For now, I can survive.

But despite that, every day, I walk up the hill to the cliff, and look down. And every day, I wait to see if I'll jump.

Obviously I haven't so far. And I think the reason why isn't so much for me, but just to curse all you lucky dead bastards.

Every Time

I have an important appointment in the morning, and I've set my alarm to go off in 8 hours from now.

I clean up and pack away everything from dinner, and decide to watch just one episode before bed.

Five episodes later, 5 hours before my alarm left.

I brush my teeth, and head to bed.

After a few minutes, I grab my phone and check the address, my route, and that I have everything. Then I check social media, briefly.

3 hours left.

I put the phone and force myself to get to sleep.

5 minutes before my alarm.

Testing

 I was summoned to yet another parallel universe.

"Who has summoned me?"

A rather weedy young male looked up from behind several crudely made (and woefully incomplete) protection sigils. 

"I did! I demand power!"

I glanced down at the magic circle I was supposedly trapped in.

"You know, of course, that I must give you a weakness in exchange for this power, yes?"

"Yes, of course!" He lied.

"Once you've killed a million creatures, you will die yourself. Agree?"

He nodded, I gave him the power then he died a second later thanks to all the micro-organisms inside him dying.

Inside The Game

After he touched down and his wings vanished back into the virtual ether, he looked at me, suddenly serious.

"Wait, if I die in here, do I die in real life?"

I blinked a few times until I had a reply chain ready that satisfied both my honesty subroutines and his chosen preferences for my personality.

"What, you think we have a bomb strapped to the interface device?"

He looked a little sheepish.

"Well, no."

"Indeed. There's nothing inside the game that can kill you, so please relax."

Now, remember, the gathering officers and their guns aren't inside the game.

Gratitude

I was awoken by the door opening, and after looking around the shack, I slowly made my way outside. There, the old man who'd saved me from the snowstorm was sitting on a snowbank, overlooking a valley and the sun just peaking over it.

He spoke without turning around.

"I always view the dawn out of gratitude at seeing another one. Ever since someone saved my life, every sunrise is a gift. You should remember that."

I checked my watch.

"But that's sunset."

After a moment, he pulled out a compass.

"That doesn't negate the lesson, you hear me, boy?" 

The Principle

As they left the tavern, I stomped over to the corner, slamming my fists on the table as I glared at the old man hidden in his robe.

"Dammit Grink, how many times are you going to get new customers killed before they can spend any real money here?"

He sipped his cider.

"I was totally honest about what they would be fighting. Maybe they'll be back this time."

I sighed, loudly.

"Or you could pay a fraction of the cost and repay Sanis what you owe here!"

"It's the principle dammit!"

The group did kill the monsters.

And more.

Black Rose

Passing by the graveyard on my way to work everyday was certainly impactful for my sense of perspective on everything.

But to try and alleviate that, I made a habit of keeping track of the status and upkeep on the various gravesites.

And then, one morning, the one nearest the fence had a black rose on it, and while I'm not proud, I lifted it, my workmate thought it was cool.

But ever since, no matter how many I take, there's always another one waiting. Eventually I hung around one night to find the leaver.

Didn't expect it coming upwards... 

About The Last Post

My manager stuck their head into the room I shared with the other social media 'wizards'.

"Last post got taken down, something about malicious content."

I blinked a few times.

"It was a rework of the Foxhole Meme, what's malicious about that?"

"Don't know, don't care, just be more careful."

"Oh I'll be more careful!"

They blinked a few times.

"No."

"No what?"

"You're going to post something similar just to be a dick about it, aren't you?"

"Oh, fine, I won't."

They left, and I got to work on posting about the last one getting taken down.

Got fired. 

Bad Ending

The Destined Ruler Of All Creation woke up to find himself in a small metal room, with a primative display that began to play a video once he awoke of a figure cloaked in shadow.

"Hello, whomever you are. You have been judges by the Custodians of Existence to be too much of a threat to your universe, and thus have been expelled to this pocket dimension. Goodbye."

The door opened, and The Destined Ruler Of All Creation saw a large device being worked on by a thousand others, one waving hello.

"Hey, grab a tool, we're nearly outta here."

Problem Solving

After a solid minute of them screaming at the top of their lungs at each other, I grabbed him and locked on a front face lock, my forearm squeezing on his throat.

After a couple seconds, she nodded.

"OK, thank you, let him go now."

I held on.

"Look, I get that he's a douchebag, but we need him to get outta here with the crawlers."

I continued to squeeze as I stared at her.

"OK, OK, point made, let him go, please!"

Reluctantly, I let go.

And, totally accidently, did so so he fell face first onto his sword.

Earn The Tip

The bellhop had obvious motives to be helpful. Maybe my initial tip had been overly generous, I had been in a good mood that night, but then as things happened and my life began to spiral, he was seemingly always there to help calm her down then help move her body and then dump it in the swamp.

By then, I knew I had two options, and I had to choose, off him or give him everything as I ran and restarted.

I made my choice, turned to him, and he tipped me right over the edge of the boat.

Helping Help

Other spys would try to copy my techniques, once they thought they knew them, but invariably they'd fail sooner rather than later, because they wanted a shortcut, not a plan.

They'd hear that I would gain access to the top of companies via the personal assistants, secretaries, the help, essentially, and they'd rush off, try to get their own target's help on side, and end up caught and reported.

Because you need to study them first. Some of them hate their bosses, some of them love them, different tacts needed.

And occasionally, they were the actual brains. That's really complicated.