Legacy Layout

Log in.

"Hi! We've moved your account over to the new layout!"

Bring down options menu, click on revert.

"Taking you back to the legacy layout, but we're transitioning accounts over!"

Do my business. Log off.

Log in.

"Hi! We've moved your account over to the new layout!"

Options, revert.

"Are you sure?"

Yes.

"Taking you back to legacy layout!"

Do business. Log off.

Log in.

"Hello!"

Options. Stare. Help.

"What's the problem?"

Type in legacy layout.

"No results found!"

Close account.

"Can we ask why?"

Type in legacy layout.

Data shows legacy layout so bad still driving people away.

Growing Investment

I'd just started my shift, when the traveller leant on the fence, looking between me and the field.

"Having a break?" The traveller asked, using the entirely wrong stress points. But I withheld a laugh.

"No, just started."

"Doing what?"

"Watching."

"Watching... what?"

"The field here, I supervise its growing."

"Your job is to watch grass grow?"

"You sound confused, Traveller."

"It's just that the saying... Is this special grass?"

"As special as any other."

"This a religious thing?"

"I'm an atheist."

"Then why the hell do you watch grass grow?"

"Because it's my job, traveller."

I love being self-employed.

Like The Movies

He always hated that nothing in his life was like it was in the movies.

He won the big game for his high school baseball team, but with a messy single when the fielder misthrew the ball, not a gigantic home run.

He broke up with his high school sweetheart with an awkward quiet conversation in a mall food court. No screaming, no crying, not even any rain.

He never even had a huge presentation to get a client at work!

He lived a life totally unlike the movies.

He wouldn't have cared his death was totally like the movies.

Innocent Until Proven Freaky

"Hey baby, you looking for a good time?"

The man in the car looked around, nervously.

"Um, well, maybe, but I've got, like, an odd request."

The working girl chuckled.

"Hey, I'm cool with lots of stuff, for a price, baby. What are you after, femdom, voyeurism, feet, edging?"

His blank stare, coupled with his clothing and car, made her rethink what he was asking for.

"You want just a warm hug, a few kind words, the human connection?"

"Um... I was hoping you'd put your mouth on my, uh..."

She blankly stared.

"Oh, you sweet innocent-"

"Eyeball."

"... Never mind."

Time Experience

She was holoreading when he came in.

"Oh, hello, welcome to the Time Zone. What time period would you like to experience today?"

He shook his head.

"I... What? I just built my time machine, I... No, wait, I've gone ahead in time, of course."

She sighed and approached him.

"Ah, no, you're just suffering from displacementia, it's common after your first time under Time Zone's proprietary technology, I'll just-"

She froze when she saw no mark on his arm.

"Date you came from?"

"Uh, 25/11/2068."

"We don't have that yet!"

She reached in and took his brain.

The Feeling

The Feeling was felt by a sizable percentage of the galaxy. The few who were asked about it before they left said that they just knew there was something beautiful for them 'there'.

'There' turned out to be Babocha 4. Across a few years, people would make their way to the planet, make their way to a specific cliff, and then looking out off it.

And then the feeling was just... Gone. They couldn't explain it, and most made their way home.

Eventually the government got charged for galactic law mental alteration crimes, and won every major tourism award going.

The Mouse's Fault

He had it all written out, his finger hovering over the mouse to click send. But he sat back instead, slowly.

It was past midnight, and he knew he was tired, slightly incoherent. Why else would he be willing to type out years of restrained love and passion for her in an email? He'd held it back for so long, yet one long day at work, and here he was, willing to spill his guts!

So he left it for the morning. To re-read and make sure he was willing to send it.

Then a mouse ran over the keyboard.

The Moment Of True Happiness

My dad told me, on my 10th birthday, as he gave me my first beer, that one day, I'd know true happiness. That there'd be a moment where everything made sense, that I'd work everything out, and be truly happy.

I took that to heart, and worked hard at everything, at my job, at my sweetheart, at everything. And I eagerly awaited that moment.

It never came.

When I drunkenly wrapped my car round that tree, my dad was the first ghost I saw, and I asked what I'd missed.

His attempt to give me what he never had, apparently.

Check In Cat

By process of elimination, I'd worked out that it was a stray cat. It didn't belong to anyone in the apartment block, it just hung around. Probably eating garbage and stuff.

Every morning, it sat on the wall and hissed at me as I passed every morning as I went to work during the week, the gym the weekend.

Then I lost my job, so had to quit the gym. And after some weeks, I was at my lowest point, and then the cat came to my door, meowed until I followed, got up on the wall, then bit me.

Dead Zone

There's a six meter across bubble on platform 12 where phone reception just dies. (There's a power conduit under there.)

More than one relationship has hit a snag because someone didn't get a message. More than one position has been lost because someone didn't answer their phone. At least one radio contest has gone begging because someone was stupid enough not to walk a few meters to the left.

Often someone will notice, file a complaint. I smile, write it down, then throw it away.

Look, I love my mother, but everyone needs a break now and then, you know?

Flip The Coin

The monsters had terrorised the town for a dozen nights before someone answered the call for help. Her fee was large, but they were desperate, and so the town scraped together the fee.

She strode into the forest, prepared to fight, when she came across the ruins of a village, within the forest.

Naturally, she assumed she'd been tricked and headed back out to confront the monsters who had taken human form, but this was wrong.

They'd taken their skin and made suits out of it, not undergone metamorphosis, obviously!

The slicing with a sword showed why they should have.

Usually A Secretary

No matter how big or small the company, there's always the one employee it all rides on.

This seems obvious when a business has just one or two people working there, but when thousands work under one umbrella, it sounds impossible. Although I'm sure the Chairperson or CEO or whatever would claim it's them. And it could, I suppose.

But there's always one person who knows where the bodies are buried. Not literally (usually), but every company has its skeletons, and there's always someone who knows where they are.

Your company doesn't have one?

Well you aren't them, then, clearly.

Hard Choices

Her childhood sweetheart had given her an ultimatum when they turned 18, chasing her dreams, or him. She chose the music.

Her manager had given her a choice when she was 20. Flirt, or worse, with the head of the record label, or risk her career on the strength of her demo tape alone. She chose the sure thing.

Her fans had given her a choice when she was 24. Stick to giving them what they expected, or be creative and possibly lose them. She chose to play it safe.

In the end, was she happy?

Of course she was!

Jane Doe

My name is Jane Doe, at least as far as you need to know. I specialise in the location and retrieval of misplaced objects.

No, I don't need a reason why something is misplaced where it is, as long as you're paying, I can locate and retrieve it.

No, I don't divulge my techniques. You shouldn't know how I retrieve items. Easier for everyone, lets you speak with conviction to your innocence later.

No, I don't offer discounts for any sob stories.

Yes, I take credit cards.

I located and retrieved a lost girl for a banker once.

Well, 'lost'.

Worker Bob

The water was at my ankles, but I wasn't worried. I'd told my superiors, and they assured me it would be fixed.

The water was at my shins, but I didn't mind, I had permission from my superiors to lean over rather than have to walk around.

The water was at my waist, but I was glad, I saved time on bathroom breaks, with my superiors' blessing.

The water was at my chest, but I knew it would be solved soon, my superiors wouldn't lie to me.

The water was at my mouth, but my superiors wouldn't abandon me now.

Cocktail Shaker And Mover

One Of The Most Powerful Men In The World gestured towards the bar in the corner of the apartment.

"Make yourself a drink."

I thanked him, and went over to make myself a drink. When I was done, One Of The Most Powerful Men In The World smiled.

"I judge people based on their drink choices. A Boulevardier, that shows me that you're confident and that you're not trying to impress me, which impresses me. Well done."

I smiled and toasted him, desperately trying to hide that I was trying to make a Negroni and messed it up rather badly.

The Game

The games people play against each other have gotten far more complicated. It used to be simple, hit them over the head with a stick first, you win.

Then came power that didn't derive from mere strength. Suddenly you had to plan for food, and shelter, and gods.

Then came money, and everything became even more complicated, with stakes suddenly a lot higher, and failures worse than death.

Since then, the game hasn't become more complex, it's just more people playing, against more opponents, across the world.

But in the end, one rule stays true.

A bigger stick is better.

May, Can

"Hello, welcome to Good Brothers Burgers, can I take your order?"

"I dunno, can you?"

He'd heard that before, said with a snigger, by a teenager who'd just grasped the concepts of permission vs ability. But this was said with sadness and crushing weight.

"Sir, please come to the 1st window."

His Grandfather's last words to him, said on his deathbed, had gotten him through a lot. As the car pulled up to his window, he hoped they'd help him too.

But he only got a few words in when his boss told him he may not waste company time.

The Algorithm

My girlfriend and I were chilling, watching silly internet videos she'd found, when she had to go to the bathroom. I let an ad play while I waited for her to get back, although I kept it up until she got back.

"Man these algorithms are stupid. Like, how many vegetarian accounts do you follow, and yet they're still showing you beef jerky ads?"

She chuckled as I skipped to the next ad.

"Or this, baby and motherhood supplies? That must be a hell of a scattershot."

I looked at her face and realised the algorithm was on the money.

Botspotting

While we waited for someone to come in and declare they needed a brand new robotic vaccum, or more likely ask where the food court was, we scrolled social media on our phones. But then I heard him muttering numbers under his breath. I looked over at him, and he eventually saw my face.

"Botspotting. My grandad used to spot trains, mark down their numbers. I do the same for these bots on here with the long numbered names."

"Why?"

"Grandad always said he'd die only once he filled his book. He filled it, then died. This'll take forever, hopefully."