Not The Dog

The intel said that this Doctor Destroya was in a hidden base deep under (REDACTED) island. The Doomsday Bomb was going to explode unless the Doctor was stopped, and since they called me in, that meant via death.

The only other info we had was a pet named Fido, so when I snuck into the command center and spotted a man in a black leather suit with a scantily clad woman on his lap, a dog over in the corner, I took the logical step of attacking and killing the man.

So he was Fido, as it turned out, alas.

Sky Of Ozone

Leo threw his head back, his thick hair falling back across his scalp. Before him, stretching out into the distance, the golden starlight bridge called him and his new allies. He glanced at them, at much to steel his nerves then to check on their readiness.

The robot, his personality matrix damaged but otherwise still functioning.

The cloned solider, trying to become more than just another body to throw in a looping guard circuit, needing a soul.

And the girl, a stowaway. Name of Rosanna, which felt slightly off but yet appropriate all the same, somehow. He wasn't sure why.

You Only Get One

The Evil Lord Of The Seven Lands was talking over the design of his new secret dungeon lair with the owner of the slave builders.

"And here, there should be two living automatons, one of which always tells the truth, the other always lies, and a sign saying adventurers can only ask-"

"No, no, I'm sick of overlords who give people chances and puzzles rather than just killing-"

"If I may continue, there should be a trapdoor over spikes that opens if anyone stands in front of the automatons for longer than thirty seconds."

"Oh, ok, I can do that."

Hoodlums

The Sheriff pulled himself to his feet, his weapon in his hand, blood on his clothing. After being betrayed by the starstruck noblewoman, he was lucky that the thieves had wanted to see him suffer, so they'd put him against their giant. He managed to kill him, and the zealot, the one in red, the rest running away. Right now, his focus was on the ringleader, the one who spent most of their takings on beer and whores.

"Even if I die, I will be remembered-"

"No-one will remember you, Robin!" said The Sheriff of Nottingham as he killed him.

An Obvious Gambit

The Relic Finder managed to make a small opening and drop down into the chamber. She was uses to finding lit up areas in tombs. But what appeared to be a mechanical chess player? That was new. Especially when it turned its head to look at her.

"Game?"

She recognized the ancient Turkish it spoke. She sat down, happy to not have to kill anything for a change.

Her gambits were pedestrian, some newer variations threw it, but she eventually lost.

In an instant her lifeforce was sucked in to power the machine.

Hopefully the wait was shorter this time.

Many Thunderbolts Required

To: The God Thor.

I am writing to you on behalf of my clients today, as they have issued a cease and desist letter under 17 USC §101, et seq, as well as the relevant Digital Millennium Copyright Act and International Copyright Law statutes.

My clients do not disagree that you have original copyright in this matter, but they have expired under the original rulings. Coupled with your clear and obvious choice to reappear in the form my clients have trademarked mean you are clearly in breach.

Please obtain legal representation for settlement proceedings post-haste.

R. Bailey

Comic Developers Association.

Devil/Details 2016

Once the candidate was alone, she took a deep breath.

“Fuck Antidisestablishmentarianism.”

There was a flash of smoke, and They appeared, today in the form of a rather scantly clad school girl.

“Yes?”

“You promised to be discreet!”

They raised an eyebrow.

“When I sold my soul to you to become President, you promised no-one would notice, but… Come on!”

The candidate pointed to the TV, where her rival’s many gaffes and scandals were being replayed. They watched for a little while.

“Uh, I’ll be honest with you, I’m just stuffing the ballot box on the day, that’s not me…”

Multiple Lines, Some Waiting

She saved the day.

Given how she had to kill her former Headmaster to do it, she could have said “Class dismissed!”

Given how the method of killing was a hydraulic press squashing his head, she could have said “I always did have a crush on you.”

Given that this prevented him from poisoning the oceans, she could have said “Sea what I did there?”

Given that he’d kidnapped her from her own wedding day, she could have said “You no longer object then?”

But given this was real life, she let the adrenaline run out then slowly walked away.

Henner & Rancher

Frank Henner was notorious in the Valuable Locating and Transporting world. Certainly if you were looking for someone to quietly and discreetly obtain a Valuable for you, you didn’t even think about him. But if you had money to burn and had a rumor that some ancient artefact was out in the wild, you might get him.

Assuming Tina Rancher didn’t get to it first. Sure, she’s ‘legit’, in the sense that the stuff she finds she gives to her university, assuming she doesn’t blow it up first, or half the country…

Both horrible people.

But my god, their kids…

Blasting Off

Spaceman Alex Blast was in pursuit of the evil Dr. Kilosat, knowing if the Bad Doctor got away with the blueprints for the Infinite Divider, he could rule the galaxy, and as long as Blast lived, he couldn’t let that happen.

He got into the airlock dome just in time to see Dr. Kilosat’s Rocketsled lift off the ground and blast off across the barren wastelands of Exoyerton. Blast quickly hopped in another one and took off.

On the plus side, once the G-Forces had knocked out Blast, his out of control Rocketsled took out Kilosat’s, so that was something.

Overcoming The First Step

“Call me Alpha Male.”

“Whatever you want baby.” replied the hooker.

No no, that’s silly.

Mother dyed her clothes today.

Who cares about that?

It was a pleasure to turn left at the highway.

This isn’t a road trip kinda book!

The past is an airport lounge, they overcharge things there.

… No, I don’t think so.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in pursuit of a runaway fugitive must be in want for a helicopter.

Not bad, not bad, but this is meant to be a thriller…

It was a stark and dormant night.

Perfect!

A Really Cool Guy

It seemed like all hope was lost.

We were pinned down in a dead end when he burst through the skylight and took out half the guards before he landed on the ground. He turned around, still firing at them and told us to follow him.

He took out the rest of the guards and led us through the compound and to an exit. He laid down cover fire while we ran for the forest, muttering something about ‘finishing it’.

A few moments later the jail began to blow up as he strode towards us, smirking.

Shame he wasn’t fireproof.

Aquarius

Lynn Adams was not having a good day. And for a woman whose average day involved dealing with aggressive wildlife, looters and navigating ancient temples, that was saying something.

She worked best alone, but she had been forced to bring along Dr. Wasser on this trip in exchange for funding.

When they entered the temple, Wasser ran to the engravings on the wall.

“Ooh, I can translate this!

These pots are… eight, five and three… sahkoos deep. Pour four sahkoos into bowl to unlock-“

That was as far as she got before Lynn (safely) blew the charges on the door.

The Full Chandler

It was the 27^th interview that day. He sat in his trademark splayed leg slouch, and watched as she sat, her clothing stiflingly unsexual.

“Mr. Beat-Downe, I put it to that your new film and album are sexist and racist, that you objectify women, discriminate against all minorities and that you are a horrible human being.”

He stared at her for several seconds then leant in, his whisper clearly incredulous.

“Are you physically incapable of spotting parody, sarcasm?”

She returned the stare for a few seconds, then smiled.

“I ask you the exact same question.” she said, winking at him.

Wrong Sort Of Diversion

“In conclusion, gentlemen, I feel that merely reading out the times involved is key.

At 22:25, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s private office.

At 22:29, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s computer.

At 22:30, Agent Bow encountered this Miss Hotto Garu.

At 22:31, Agent Bow began to, according to his report, “subdue Miss Garu to the best of his abilities.”

At 23:15, Agent Bow finished ‘subduing’ her.

At 23:00, the missile aimed at Washington DC was launched.”

“I did divert it!” Agent Bow chimed in.

“We still needed Baltimore, you idiot!”

Capture The Moment

I was working when a bag of jelly babies was thrust under my nose. I looked up, and saw THE Blue Box. But the hand holding the jelly babies was female…

“Come now, a mind like yours needs a little sugar rush! You’ve nearly solved the Thorne/Everett Initial Condition Paradox!”

“But you… How… Female?” I sputtered. She shrugged.

“Needed to change some things, my dear-“

She stopped as I had finally gotten over my shock and smashed her over the head with my computer. Capturing an actual time traveller and machine? I’d make Transcorp Employee of the Month for sure…

(#savetheday)

Dr. Seuss Writes A Penthouse Letter

Sally sat on the bed and looked up at me.

“Put your wood into me, I wish to stop with playthings, I want a big man in me!”

I know you hear this all day, but she was a dish. I got her gown in my hands and got it on the bed near her.

Her pink box was a mess, all wet and open. My wood was red and big, as I put it in her.

It was good in her, too good. I went to stop but my milk shook her to the top.

It was good fun.

Little Grey Cells

Finally, the world famous detective turned to Miranda.

“And thus, it just leaves you, the so called ‘Sweet, Innocent’ Miranda.

But not so! No, I have deduced that you manipulated the Major into thinking you were his late wife with the mushrooms you stole from your brother’s laboratory. Why else did have your hair styled twice in one day and ‘lose’ your keyring when asked about it?”

Everyone in the room held their breath and waited.

She remained still and said nothing.

In the long, drawn out court battle that eventuated, it turned out that ‘deductions’ aren’t all that conclusive…

The Wombat & The Beaver

There was once a wombat who decided to build a home. As he worked, a beaver noticed his idea and decided he’d build one too.

The beaver was lazy, only doing some work every so often. But whenever he did, he’d tell all the other creatures about it, and try and show off his work to the bigger, important animals.

The wombat however worked every day. If anyone asked, he happily told them of his work, but otherwise he stayed quiet.

Eventually the beaver’s work got him an award for avant-guard post-modernism, while the wombat’s home collapsed due to termites.

It’s Pronounced ‘Bouquet’, Actually.

... In property news, today work began on the future Joseph Towers, a new skyscraper in the heart of London. Constructed on the former site of the main Wonka chocolate factory, it, along with the rest of the Wonka holdings, last week was settled in the courts to solely belong to one Charles Bucket, after Mr. Wonka’s suicide in custody while awaiting trial for widespread slavery of a lost African tribe within his business. The court ruled that the act, brought on by an anonymous whistleblower alerting Police to the crime, did not negate Wonka’s will naming Bucket his sole heir.