Vale Larry Csonka

He would want me to write today.

He had such a drive, so prolific at his job, and yet still had time to encourage and work with me to make me better. And while he would totally understand my having to take a day off for any reason but especially to grieve, I think he'd not want to be the cause of it.

He lived as good a life as you can expect, he'd say. Don't let him stop me from working.

Or maybe not. At least he'd appreciate a good word count for a given topic.

Vale Larry Csonka.

In Defense Of The Irish Whip

Invented by Danno O'Mahoney in the 30's, the Irish Whip began as some more akin to a judo throw, it was designed to throw you at the ground. Running out from it is the counter to this, since trying to stop that sort of forward momentum is hard.

Likewise hitting the ropes and running back is similar, a wrestling ring bounces, and running towards your opponent is safer than trying to stop suddenly with your back to them.

Perfectly logical. But then again, anyone tries to Irish Whip me, I just don't run because I'm not stupid, and I'm massive.

Why I Wrestle

Let's see, I guess the first thing is how I can't close my left index and middle fingers all the way. Sliced the nerves on a broken table on my first day here.

My right ankle is fused together with metal, my famous cage dive came with a cost.

My lower back is bugging me, I have occasional vision issues, and don't get me started on my neck.

But when I step through that curtain, or in front of the camera, all that melts away. It's why I still do it.

Plus it pays for all the pills I need.

Booking Problems

The boss said that he wanted the next champion to be legit, a real 'shooter'. So I lined up the former MMA guy.

But he was too bland, apparently, so the boss vetoed him. So I set up the most charismatic guy on the roster to take it.

But he was too risky with his drug use and also got vetoed. The born again guy I pushed next, but he couldn't talk well enough.

Every time I settled on someone, there was a problem with them. So the bosses' son ended up reigning for over a year. Funny that, huh?

The Talk

The radio in the corner of the diner was declaring that the Yankees had won the '56 World Series as World Champion wrestler The Masked Mountain, sans mask, and his doll, Betty, were squeezed into a corner booth as they had The Talk.

"I don't like to use the word 'fake', but the fact is that it's all a show. The moaning and groaning is for effect, the sweat is real, but only because of how hard I have to work to make it look real!

So that's why I'm leaving you, I need a man who's good in bed."

Bitched Out

On her first day of training, he told her, you had to be a bitch to truly make it in this so-called sport. Politics was everywhere, the same game to try and main event the biggest show of the biggest company of the year was also played to get a hand raised in the opening match in the middle of Nowhere, Ohio.

She’d balked at this, and set out to not play those games.

But refusing to play is playing nonetheless, and eventually she realised she had to be a bitch to those who were bastards.

And the cycle continued.

A Note For When We’re Backstage

Wrestling is built on a lie. And the truth. And marketing. And BS. And human emotion, drama… It’s a totally unique storytelling medium. Similar to, but not the same as any other art form.

But at the heart of it all, the main foundation is not doing something while pretending the opposite. Pretending that I hate you when you’re a friend, making it seem like I’m hurt when I’m not.

So, for the record, if I tell you to ‘kick me in the face’ in the match, maybe you could, you know, not actually kick me in the face? Thanks.

Cleaning Rain

You may have heard in interviews and memoirs that in all of sports and/or entertainment and/or art, that there’s nothing like the feeling of stepping through the curtain as a Professional Wrestler. And that’s true.

But what’s not talked about as much is the payoff you have to make. The first is paid for by the comedown when you step back through the curtain the other way.

Because no matter how well the match goes, how exciting it was, how loud the fans were, how well you and your partners and opponents did…

There’s always a better one coming up.

Advisor

I stood outside the door.

In the locker room on the left, Gary was on the phone to his agent, trying to get out of his contract. In the locker room on the right, David was taking out his anger on a punching bag.

And in-between the two, in a tiny office, the booker was staring at the wall, trying to come up with something, anything, to get himself out of this mess, to get these guys to play ball and go out there and perform.

He needed a savior.

Perfect time for a bastard like me to take advantage…

Other Work: Wrestling Plot Hole Repair Job Beta

(So, added bonus today. This is a draft version of a wrestling column idea I tossed around a while back, the idea being that it would go on a different site to 411mania where I do Ask 411 Wrestling each week. Don't get me wrong, I love writing that column and for 411mania, but at the time I wanted to expands a bit. I sent this around to a couple places but it never really caught anyone's attention, so here it is, maybe you will like it...)

The Ranger’s A Car

It seemed so pleased with itself when it revealed the group of heroes it had resurrected to save us. It had assured me that it would make a balanced group based on its research on the internet. But when I saw them, I admit that I could have handled it better.

When I asked, for instance, why William Shakespeare was there, I could have used less profanity. Then it told me that its research had indicated that a Bard was a good sixth party member, and as Shakespeare was The Bard…

At least the wrestler dude in facepaint was useful.

Knocking On The Door

Doug spent years spent travelling the country, wrestling in front of twenty people for ten bucks, the usual hard work story that most everyone in wrestling without a famous parent had to tell.

And when he got to the main stage, it was a pity hire, as they just wanted his wife, but she insisted he get a job as well.

They threw him out there as a glorified jobber who ranted about spending years knocking on the door, waiting for a shot.

Yet not knocking before opening doors led to him getting information that led to a big push…

The Heel/Face Dynamic

It’s one of the facts about wrestling that seems counter-intuitive, like having to not give the fans what they want. But backstage, faces tend to be jerks while heels are the nice people.

Take Jack Ironman and Tony Askill. For years, the two of them fought on and off, with Askill always being pure evil, and Ironman always so righteous. Backstage, John stole Tim’s wife, but Tim was still happy to work.

Eventually, of course, the internet came along, and the audience grew to ‘know’ the backstage stuff.

But hey, one double turn later and they made even more money…

Queue Or Cue?

“And the lettering should be in white, with a red outline that drips a little.”

“Right.”

“And it should read ‘The Executioner And Q Death Bringers Tour 2016’, with the and being that fancy symbol that means and, and a hyphen between Q and Death Bringers, which is two words, and the year should be in numerals.”

“And can you spell Q please?”

“Excuse me?”

“Q, how-“

“You don’t know how to spell Q?”

“Sir you-“

“It’s a single letter! Just put Q all alone, idiot!”

“Very well sir.”

And that’s why the ‘all alone idiot’ bit got on there.

('Thanks' to Jason for the suggestion!)

Shouting Out Into The Void

The smaller wrestler got an elbow up to block the charge, and as the giant staggered backwards, threw a superkick, cover, two count.

Obviously, said the internet, this was a reference to how the smaller guy won his second world title against another giant.

Nonsense replied, well, the internet, it was a blatant insult to the finish of their competitor’s secondary title change last week.

And the internet had many more theories, ranging from the obscure to the intricate.

Had any of them known it was improvised after the smaller wrestler fucked up a spot, they’d have been very disappointed.

Winners Deal

You often hear that wrestling is a drug. Ask almost anyone who has walked through the curtain, they’ll say that getting into that ring is like a drug.

And they’re right.

But you’ve got it backwards.

You think that it’s the thrill of performing that keeps drawing us wrestlers back in. But the thing is, we go out there and make you pay for what you want, and we give you just a taste, deny you what you want and make you come back with the promise of a true high, eventually.

Wrestling is a drug. And we’re the dealers.

Rules Of The Ring Road

We had a long ride ahead of us to the show that night, so once we were on the highway I pulled out my phone and began to load up Twitter when the veteran leaned over and slapped it out of my hands.

I tried to work out what to say but all I could manage was a baffled expression.

“Listen Kid, you’re already lucky to get to ride shotgun. But if you ride up front, you gotta do your fucking part, and that’s to keep the driver awake and focused during-“

Neither of us saw the turn, of course.

Balancing Act

He slowly climbed up the turnbuckle.

In character, he’d be thinking about winning. In the fans’ heads, he’d be thinking about how to bury the new guys. In the boys’ heads, he’d be thinking about the rat he’d be banging tonight. And in the bosses’ head…

Well that was the problem. He was in demand, which was good, but it also meant he had begun to take too many bookings, and he was getting tired. And pretty soon, double bookings would start cropping up.

So he jumped, and hoped for injury.

But not the one he got in the head…

Wrestling With Upgrades

When the first ‘Implantable Electronic Devices’ came onto the market, they were horribly expensive, so I didn’t get one.

As the new IED models came out, they got cheaper and smaller, but by the time they became affordable, they were fragile. As a wrestler, I couldn’t get one, they’d break first match.

Then when they started getting larger again and yet still cheaper, and people began to become more and more cyborgy, I could easily have afford it, but my gimmick would have been ruined.

Thankfully. I mean, otherwise people would have found out I was a robot all along.

News At Survival

“Warriors of Earth, we have been monitoring your signals for the past few cycles, and we have determined that you four are the best chance both of out races have to fight-“

The MMA star raised his hand at this point.

“Uh, whatever you are, I think you have a problem here. She’s a professional wrestler, he’s a movie star, and that’s a projection of a cartoon, right? You think we’ve got any chance in a real fight?”

The Anime schoolgirl focused, and shot a fireball that put a large, real hole in the wall.

“Maybe a small chance then…”