Monday 18 March 2024

Part Of The Service

Everyone else had long gone, and the Mortician coughed.


"Sir, I still need to clear up."


I pointed at the casket.


"Why aren't I sad?"


"Sir?"


"The only woman not obliged to love me who did so anyway, who died of a terrible illness, and I'm here feeling... Relief? The fuck is wrong with me?"


"Sir, I've been doing this job for thirty years. I've seen every shade of grief, and also joy, anger, lust.


And a surprisingly large amount of indifference."


"And relief?"


"She was in pain, was she not?"


"Well, yeah."


"Do you require the dots connected, Sir?" 

Sunday 17 March 2024

Aboard The Sicily

I stood outside the cargo hold, staring at the cryopod. My first mate approached quietly.


"Your orders, Captain?"


I answered them without answering them.


"This enemy pod is what, three meters across? And it was from a ship we destroyed a week ago, a parsec away, only to turn up drifting where we could find it?"


"A good bit of luck then!"


"Tell me, you ever hear of Operation Mincemeat? Back on Earth?"


"You're proposing we grind it into tiny pieces, Captain?"


I handed it over unopened to my superiors, who sadly hadn't heard of that ancient Earth plan either. 

Saturday 16 March 2024

System Test

"Any other business?"


Everyone turned to look at the man at the far end of the table. Every meeting, he always had some issue to raise, as he complained about something, usually something that would eventually boil down to there being more women or people of color in his general vicinity. But given that he had coded and maintained the network that was the backbone of the entire company, people put up with it.


"Nothing from me." He said after a long moment.


The manager responded promptly.


"So, I think we need a complete self-examination, clearly there's an issue here." 

Friday 15 March 2024

Substandard

I wanted a meatball sub, and since I'm an adult who can do stuff, I left the house and drove to a local row of stores which included a sub sandwich one.


When I walked in, the cashier was fighting with a customer. I stared, until I heard enough shouting to work out this was over a man, or two men, possibly.


After a few minutes, with the fight not looking like it would end soon, I walked around them and made my sandwich.


I made it, wrapped it, and then the customer threw it at the cashier.


Just great.

Thursday 14 March 2024

Unsafety Net

I was walking home when I found him in the middle of the bridge, leaning over the edge, looking down at the net jutting out between him and the river far below. I knew the phone meant to be for people like this was probably broken, so I took a shot.


"I presume you've heard that the net is so tight that rather than stopping you, it kills you quicker, right?"


He nodded.


"Yeah, that's a lie they say to make people jump here. I got sleeping pills at home?"


I talked him out if it on the walk home. 

Wednesday 13 March 2024

Preferred Outcome

The two had been 'negotiating' for about five hours. I don't use the quotation marks to indicate they were doing something untoward, but rather they were basically doing the same thing, over and over again. They each had their idea of what the deal should be, and they wouldn't budge. They would reword it every hour or so, but they were, if anything, further from a deal than when they started.


I could see a way through, where both could get most of what they wanted. But since what I wanted was them to remain deadlocked, I stayed right out. 

Tuesday 12 March 2024

Unreal Estate

After the third penthouse apartment that drew nothing but disinterested stares and dismissive comments, I turned my tablet PC off and looked at him carefully.


"Ok, clearly we need to rethink this. What exactly are your true desires for a property, Sir?"


"Oh, you know, location, view, facilities..."


"With all due respect, the properties we've seen have all had those. What is it that you truly want?"


He looked uncomfortable for a moment, before finally speaking.


"I wanna feel like a Supervillian."


I sighed, then smiled, as I reopened my tablet, and loaded the other list up.


"A Billionaire-Home, right..."