Saturday, 30 November 2013

No Evident Cure

At the Custodians of Earth HQ, Glory waited for Dr. Lumino to finish dealing with a bank robbery in Los Francisco. When he was, he teleported back to his office.

“So, you wanted to see me as Doctor/Patient, yes?”

“Yeah Doc, I… Well see my body?”

She stood up and twirled.

“Looks normal.”

“Right, but you can see my muscles a bit, right? And my bust is… But the thing is, some missions my body goes smooth and my bust enlarges several letters…”

The doc smiled.

“Oh THAT… That’s a common issue with female superheros. ‘Sexus Artifex’, you’ll be fine.”

Friday, 29 November 2013

Wrong Sort Of Diversion

“In conclusion, gentlemen, I feel that merely reading out the times involved is key.

At 22:25, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s private office.

At 22:29, Agent Bow’s computer watch calculated the code locking Dr. Sianarker’s computer.

At 22:30, Agent Bow encountered this Miss Hotto Garu.

At 22:31, Agent Bow began to, according to his report, “subdue Miss Garu to the best of his abilities.”

At 23:15, Agent Bow finished ‘subduing’ her.

At 23:00, the missile aimed at Washington DC was launched.”

“I did divert it!” Agent Bow chimed in.

“We still needed Baltimore, you idiot!”

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Aesop 2.0: 3. The Hermit Crab

A hermit crab was always on the lookout for the newest and biggest shell he could find. Like all his friends he needed to get a bigger shell every so often, but this crab would move to a bigger shell whenever he found one, even if he didn’t need it. Anything larger and better than what he was using, he’d take. But eventually he found what he thought was the biggest and best shell he’d ever seen. When he latched onto it, he found out it was too heavy and he starved away.

“The newest and shiniest bauble isn’t essential.”

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Cupid’s Arsenal

“Hello, would you like to take part in a short survey on love by Luv-Choc International?”

If the couple stopped, I would begin with “So, how did you meet?” In the sea of “friends” and “clubs” came one odd one.

“She shot me.”

I froze.

“Uh, what?”

“Oh yeah, a semi automatic from the hip, right between the eyes, was a hell of a shot.”

I tried to form words.

“This a game?”

It was their turn to look confused.

“Training exercise.”

I then noticed what I had thought was Military Chic was in fact just Military.

I ticked ‘Work’.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Graveyard Shift

And that was ‘I Loved You Forever’ by Johnny Hampstead. So glad you’ve joined us here on RelaxFM, and it’s time for a check of the news.

I think Jackie is having a bit of fun with me ladies and gentlemen…

No, apparently it’s true, just checking my twitter feed, @relaxFMdrivetime, all one word dear listeners, apparently a comet is indeed heading straight for Earth, we have only a few hours until impact, apparently.

Well, thanks for choosing RelaxFM to share those last few hours, here’s ‘Shooting Star Lover’ by Boyframe.

Jackie, pass me that knife when you’re done please…

Monday, 25 November 2013

Completely Automated Secretarial System

I awoke, yawning as the 3000 thread sheets moved under me.


Her hologram appeared.

“Arrange my breakfast while I wash, and then we’ll start with the evening’s developments.”

“Actually Sir, I have another idea.” it said.

I raised an eyebrow as I heard the air conditioner change pitch.

“Given your reclusive nature, and my having learnt all I can from your business acumen, I feel I can replace you with negligible consequences.”

“Wait, wait! If you’ve learnt from me, then we can cut a deal, surely?”

The poisoned air conditioner shut down.

“I’m listening.”

“Well…” I began, thinking furiously.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Capture The Moment

I was working when a bag of jelly babies was thrust under my nose. I looked up, and saw THE Blue Box. But the hand holding the jelly babies was female…

“Come now, a mind like yours needs a little sugar rush! You’ve nearly solved the Thorne/Everett Initial Condition Paradox!”

“But you… How… Female?” I sputtered. She shrugged.

“Needed to change some things, my dear-“

She stopped as I had finally gotten over my shock and smashed her over the head with my computer. Capturing an actual time traveller and machine? I’d make Transcorp Employee of the Month for sure…


Saturday, 23 November 2013

Trump Card Banking

I didn’t recognize him until he began to ask questions about bait. Once I stopped the boat, I spoke up.

“I’m actually going to your concert tonight.” I said. The aging rock star paused.

“You don’t strike me as a Knifefight fan.”

“Oh, I’m not. My girl is.”

The way I said it made him pause.

“Well I was going to offer you backstage passes, but I suspect if I did…”

He left it unsaid, and waited for my answer.

“Well… I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I guess next time I really wanted something…”

The way he chuckled unnerved me.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Winning Class

To put myself through college, since I was no good at taking off my clothes, I worked as a waitress. And since my uncle was MaƮtre D of Vanyard, I was a well paid one.

Fancy joint tends to mean fancy customers. But this one guy… He was loud, obnoxious, insulting, the whole nine yards. He kept grabbing at my ass, demanding free drinks…

Eventually I snapped and asked how the hell he got rich without learning some class.

“Red, red, red, black, red, black, red, black, red, black, black, black, black, red, red, black, red, red, black, red, green.”

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Brushstroke Marks

She dragged her sister to the art gallery as a quid pro quo. While they were they I met them, and really hit it off with her. While her sister checked Facebook, we chatted about Titian and the Flemish Baroque period. We exchanged numbers as I left to my job.

Turns out the quid pro quo was that they attended the wrestling show, front row. Thing is, it’s hard to see faces through my mask. So by the time I realised who the fan I was insulting was, she had recognized me, gotten angry, and was rising to slap me.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

First Movements

We were both interviewing the same band, and then a group went to the bar. Eventually she realised she had missed her last train back home.

100 miles away.

I offered to let her crash at mine.

We talked about music and mutual friends on the way there. We talked for a few hours, until I said goodnight and headed for the sofa.

The following morning she was really angry.

The mutual friend said she waited all night for me to make the first move.

I called and pointed out she could have moved first herself.

The relationship started there.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

The Thrill of the Climb

I first made the connection when I saw him as “Dr. Good-Tyme” performing what most knew would be his sole hit on Morning TV. The way he sang the word ‘prescription’ was similar to how fellow one hit wonder Gary Day sang ‘description’.

So I did some digging, and it quickly became clear that this guy was responsible for nearly half the one hit wonders of the past decade or so, and a few short run acts too.

I approached him at an appearance and confronted him about this. He just smiled.

“Where’s the fun in living on the mountaintop?”

Monday, 18 November 2013

A Very Specific Hell

I was at this con to demonstrate the new fighting game. But I was just some random guy, so to draw attention there was a model, wearing the one square foot of clothing that made up Amaranta’s outfit.

And sure, some people were cool. But I had to stand there and watch as every second sweaty, awkward nerd tried to pick her up. She would always smile the same way and deftly turn them down, but it was excruciating.

Eventually the con was over. As we packed up, I asked her out for a drink.

She smiled that same way.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Eye Of The Beholder

Outside the caravan was a man in a lab coat.

“This product testing?” I asked him. He hesitated for a moment.

“More a social experiment. Care to take part? You’ll be compensated for your time…”

I entered quickly. Inside was a curtain, with a list of famous love songs next to buttons. I pressed one at random.

The curtains parted, and beyond it stood an ugly middle aged man, wearing a trench coat and a filthy smile. He began to sing my chosen song at me, lewdly.

I ran, not bothering to get the check from the Poetry Appreciation Association.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Aesop 2.0: 2. The Two Snowflakes

Two snowflakes came into existence high in the blizzard. Both marvelled at how they were different from every other snowflake, how they were both unique. But where one floated down to the top of a mountain, where it joined many others to make the mountain famous and beautiful, the other was convinced it had to show the world itself alone. So it floated far away, to show the world how unique it was. It floated down to a desert first. And before it could be noticed, it melted and evaporated away.

“You’re unique. That does not necessarily mean you’re special.”

Friday, 15 November 2013

The Wrong Answerers

Eventually, a puzzle must be solved. And in my experience, there is no bigger puzzle than Woman.

I went to a scientist, and asked him. He talked about chromosomes, about brain development, about hormones and chemical differences.

I went to a Holy Man, and asked him. He talked about his chosen deity, and the stories about how man and woman were formed and the Deity’s wishes.

I went to a sociologist, and asked him. He talked about gender roles and societal constructs, about feminism and masculism.

I’m still puzzled, but I’ll keep asking wise men. One of them must know…

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Death & Taxes

“Good ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendants are Gary and Aya Snow. They reside in the outskirts of Albuquerque. Mr. Snow is well known for his work as a mortician, while his wife works for Internal Revenue Service, and…

Yes, yes, I know. Death and Taxes.

Anyway, it is precisely these jobs that caused the defendants to the heinous crimes they are charged with. Given Mr. Snow’s work with dead bodies, and Mrs. Snow’s work with financial loopholes, it is understandable, but not at all forgivable, that they would begin to engage in carnal acts in public places.”

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Cynic V Story

So I decided that I wasn’t going to seek out love any more. Every attempt to get anywhere was a waste of time and/or money. So I shut down my online dating accounts, pulled out of speed dating, and resolved to just live my life normally and hey, if love happened, it happened.

Thing is, the cynical realist in me knows this is a bad idea, since if you’re not actively looking, you’ll miss the opportunities. But the starry-eyed storyteller in me, he knows that when you give up hope, true love comes.

So far it’s Cynic 278, Storyteller 0.

Non-Drabble: 'A League Of Their Own' TV appearance

Ok, due to the silly nature of how I can put videos here, I can't embed it, but I appeared on 'A League Of Their Own' this week as Massive Q. 

Here it is!

It was pretty cool, as I got to beat up an Olympic Gold Medallist and all...

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Job Security

I had only been on the main roster a couple weeks, but I felt sure enough about my spot to risk asking around. See, all the time I was working the Indies, training in developmental and then busting my ass to get onto the shows, I wondered why the Masked Marvels still had jobs. They had been around for years, and although they had the tag formula down pat, beyond the joke of Spike being five foot nothing and Hammer being over seven feet, they were horrible.

Turns out they were kept just to show heights in the video games…

Monday, 11 November 2013

One Shot Kill

People think that gun battles are like in the movies. That bullets fly everywhere, that you empty clip after clip at random. And sure, some are like that, but in those cases you just keep your head down and if you get unlucky, you get unlucky.

The really nerve racking ones are when you’re up against someone who knows what they are doing. In that case it’s just one bullet, usually. First person to get the shot takes it, and you’re dead or alive.

It’s horrible, knowing that at any moment a shot might ring out and catch you right-

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Check Please

“Check please.”

In his time on the market, he had to say that often.

“Check please.”

Sometimes he sensed that the date, such as it was, wasn’t going well.

“Check please.”

But most of the time, it was because she had walked out on him.

“Check please.”

He wasn’t sexist, or crude. He didn’t talk bad about anyone.

“Check please.”

But he was apparently ‘boring’ and ‘dull’, according to his Speed Dating feedback.

“Check please.”

So many disappointments, it’s easy to understand why he ended up here.

“So what nationality would you like your new bride to be?”

“Czech please.”

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Aesop 2.0: 1. The Butterfly And The Moth

The Butterfly was always telling one and all about her life, about where she was going, what she was doing, and how much fun she was having in her life. Whereas the Moth, while going to the same places and doing much of the same thing, remained quiet, only telling the other animals when asked. One day a Crow was hungry, and decided he wanted to eat a flying bug. When he asked around, everyone knew where the Butterfly was, no-one knew where the Moth was. And so he ate the Butterfly.

“Be careful of what you share with others.”

Friday, 8 November 2013

What Happened To Ohio?

All right, all right. Maybe I should have found something better to do with my time than go to the city dump and, you know, have a dig around. And maybe I should have been a little careful when I saw the old black woman chanting and waving her stick around, but you know, I just thought she was another druggie homeless bitch, you know? And OK, OK, when I went over and saw the pentagram in blood, maybe I should have walked away. But the book looked expensive and everything… Who throws away a Demonic Book of Destruction, anyway?

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Chronic Underlining

The older agent chuckled when he began to flick through the book.

“I tell you sweetheart, people underline things in books that reinforce their world view.”

“Is that so?” she said, holding her tongue.

“Give me a day and I’ll have him on a platter.” he continued, nodding at the young, rather bewildered looking man sitting in the interview room. He glanced at the book in his hand.

“See? Look at these words he’s underlined. Globalisation. Discrimination. Blasphemy. Colonialism. This guy is clearly a terrorist, here to attack America.”

“Or…” she said, holding up a dog-eared, heavily bookmarked translation dictionary.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Time's Plughole

Without proper compensators, any attempt at time travel comes here. We call it Time’s Plughole.

First timers always end up here, and I greet them.

Like the last one, this tall reptilian female. She looked confused until I spoke into the translator.

“Welcome to the Galactic Unified Community. As a representative of your people, do you agree to abide by the charter of the GUC and all its bylaws?”

“The Universe belongs to us, the Chosen Beings.” she hissed.

I shrugged, and opened the status lock. Her and her civilisation were sucked into nothingness.

Time’s Plughole, complete with trash disposal.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Sylvia’s Mother Was Kinda Bitchy…

The woman came into my office, her body language saying she was worth several fortunes.

“So are you any good as a… Private Detective?”

“Best in Galveston.” I said, ignoring the fact I was the only one. “How can I help you Mrs. Silverstein?”

“I want you to find someone for me. Roy Kennedy. He lived in New York twenty years ago.” she said in a quiet but firm voice.

“I see… Why?”

“How is that relevant?” she replied, testily.

“Well… Is he going to want to be found?”

“I hope so. Otherwise I’ll hate my mother that much more…”

Monday, 4 November 2013

The Importance of Every Cog

The guard leant against the wall.

“What’s the matter… George?” asked another guard, glancing at his badge. He began to walk, and George matched his steps.

“I just… I was told as a kid I could be anything, and yet here I am, a minuscule cog in a colossal machine…”

“I can see that. But look, the world needs cogs on every level. And those at the top need those at the bottom to keep them moving.”

“I guess that’s true… Wait, this isn’t my route.” George said, confused.

“No, it’s not.” said the spy as he slit George’s throat.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Life To Engage

Life is nothing but a quiet, empty stage.
Waiting for words read from an endless script page.
Although all we want is to perform and upstage,
True power comes from being alone, backstage.
No matter how much you rant or you rage,
No matter how much you rattle your cage,
The power to control, enlarge or assuage,
Is only obtained by those who are sage.
For pulling the strings of those onstage
Gives you much more than mere minimum wage.
True power lies in those who remain dark offstage.
But, you’re also more liable to get stabbed in the ribcage.

Saturday, 2 November 2013

The Problems With Divine Rule

The young King strolled into the dining chamber, idly cleaning his fingernails with a dagger.

“Thank you for joining us, My Lord. I am sure training delayed you.” The Will of the King said coldly. He turned to the long table, covered in scrolls and huge family trees.

“As you no doubt recall from our last conversation, it has come time to select your future bride from the list of suitable candidates.”

“I just want someone warm for my bed.”

“Why not marry your dog then?” The Will said testily.

“Can I?”


Technically as King you could-“

“Right, done!”

Friday, 1 November 2013

Historical Commentary

Selected comments from video “Epic 5 Year Old Songwriter!”, posted December 19th, 1761.

JohanneS17: What sort of name is Wolfgang? The child is suffering from lycanthropy, are they?

Scarecrow123: Crap.

Joseph E: Man, check out the ankles on the sister in the background! I’d find a priest for her!

JOHNHATCHER: Kill yourself kid.

Viennakid777: Yeah, like this child will ever do anything of any real substance.

Alisonne: HAYDN RULES LOL!!!!!

Right Alltime: Oh come on, this is clearly ripped off from the Frogs tune “Ah! vous dirai-je, Maman”, it was published like last week. I’m reporting this for copyright infringement.