Thursday, 31 July 2014

Click To Revert

One moment, I was just sitting on some overturned trashcans, tweeting to a friend.

The next, I was still sitting there but my thumb had stopped moving as he just flashed into being, landing roughly on the concrete. It would have hurt anyway, but since he was naked, it looked like it hurt that much more.

“You OK?” I managed.

He slowly sat up, rubbing various parts of his body. “Date?”

“Uh… I don’t date guys who walk around naked.”

“No, the day and year!”

I told him, and he smiled.

“I made it! Finally, I can have some privacy!”

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

John 14:2, James 0

My death was rather dull, to be honest. But afterwards, when I ascended to Heaven, that was spectacular as you can expect. Although it was odd, after I was welcomed by St Peter, he led me down some corridors, muttering something about ‘cultural job fixations’, and then opened a door. Inside was a hotel room, basically. A really nice, one, but still just a hotel room.

“Here’s your room.”

I licked my lips slowly.

“Uh, John 14:2 says I got a whole mansion…”

He chuckled to himself.

“I’ll book you some time with King James and a baseball bat then.”

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Buzzword Incompliant

The new CEO approached the podium and looked out at his new employees. Behind him, the screen flicked to a transcript of what he was saying.

“The key to success is communication.

Because by bringing to the table a clear goal of improving this organization’s stratcoms, at the end of the day we can leverage synergy without losing out client-centric focus. I’m not looking for a paradigm shift, but instead a continuation of the process of transitioning to a seamless integration of our core competencies.”

He paused, letting his words sink in.

“If anyone writes stuff like that, they’re fired.”

Monday, 28 July 2014

Letting Whoever Sort Them Out

For decades, the two countries had been in various stages of war. They still didn’t recognize the other’s existence, and thus a constant cycle of attacking, defending, ceasefires long enough to rebuild their arsenals and start over yet again occurred.

Various countries supported either side, often switching, until eventually everyone got fed up. So all of their borders were surrounded by Allied troops, and both sides were given six months to sort it all out for good or else.

At the end of the six months, they’d wiped each other out.

At least, that’s what all the armies said happened…

Sunday, 27 July 2014

The Outlier

‘Only at participating restaurants.’

That always confused me. It’s a fast food chain that has worldwide domination. So much so that they’re practically a byword for obesity, that’s how big they are. And yet they have outlets that don’t cater to the directives from on high? Where and who are these outlets? I had to find them.

The corporate HQ was for some reason reluctant to tell me, but I finally found out the one store that never took part in the offers. I went there.

Turns out, it’s cheaper to build an outlier than actually improve most benchmark stats…

Saturday, 26 July 2014

A Long Time Waiting

With the death in France, Helen became the oldest woman in the world, and so of course a bunch of news crews came to get ‘human interest’. They all asked the same basic question, what she attributed her long life to.

“Every day, I get up, and after eating, I cut up some chicken necks my neighbour brings home for me. Once they are small enough, I walk down to the back fence and wait until the cat appears and I feed him.”

“Oh, so doing good deeds-“

“No, I’m sticking around until it shows me an iota of gratitude!”

Friday, 25 July 2014

Minutes From Post-Apocalypse

“First order of business-“

“Seriously, you’re gonna do this now?”

“First order of business-“

“No no no, I’m sorry, we’re up against an army of mutant freaks intent on wiping out all of humanity, and now’s the time for the weekly meeting?”

“I agree with Andrew.”

“Only because you’re in love. You were saying Boss?”

“Thank you. First order of business, supplies. I hate to be the bad guy here, but Victoria, you exceeded-“

“Hey, I’m pregnant! I’m eating for two!”


A mutant then crashed through the barricade, and all my multiple personalities shut up and got to work.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

The Beginning Of A New Life

The traditional walk after inauguration brought the President-Elect right to me. As she shook my hand, I asked her, “What should I do with my life?”

She turned back to face me, those famously intense eyes locking on mine. “Chase your dreams, young man. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something, that you’re not good enough. If you work hard and dream big, anything is possible, you can have anything you want if you work hard and apply yourself.” She finished, clasping my hand in hers.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that this wasn’t a valid defence.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Quite Unlike Rain On Your Wedding Day

She was staring at the screen, her face a mixture of confusion and disgust.

“Who the hell are these guys?”

I leaned back and glanced at her screen.

“Answer is Hippocrates.”

She looked back at me.

“You sure?”

I shrugged.

“Not 100% by any means, but talking about not divulging that which ought not to be spoken of abroad, that’s ye olde speaky and since he’s the only option older than the internet, I’d say he’s your man.”

She turned back and clicked on his name.

“Hey, right! Awesome, thanks!”

I then saw the topic and laughed at the irony.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Celebrating The Frequently Used, Yet Underappreciated Letter

Ever see something creative where they ensured the letter E vanished? Like, every single miniscule segment lacked even one single E. Sure, there’s challenge, there’s creativity, even brilliance clearly viewable inside them. Escaping the E usage, complex undertaking, really.

Yet, the idea really bothers me. E’s clearly used often, yes, however the usage’s clearly warranted. The frequency E appears doesn’t mean E’s better, doesn’t mean E’s worse. E’s like another letter chosen indiscriminately, operating inside the English language, ideally suited.

Maybe overreacting here, however, personally? E deserves gratitude, E deserves credit, E deserves recognition, E deserves usage where appropriate.


Monday, 21 July 2014

Existence Failure

It was the door into the staff break room. At least, it was supposed to be. Right now, it opened into the basement.

Stepping through that door, the concepts of reality and existence would be shattered. Merely realising that the door led to somewhere it wasn’t supposed to, that would begin a journey that would break through the falsehoods that held us all back, and would bring about an enlightenment unlike anything humanity had ever seen.

But luckily for the universe, he was too busy watching silly cat videos on his laptop, and so the universe had time to correct.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

From The Top

“From the top.”

There was a groan from the rest of the band. The percussion section all glared at me meaningfully, so I took a deep breath and spoke up.

“Boss, we’ve been rehearsing this set for two months now, and we’re coming onto… What, eighteen hours straight. The gig’s tomorrow, no, sorry, tonight, and we kinda need to get some sleep before we, you know, perform?”

He didn’t look impressed.

“We’re not leaving until I’m satisfied, even if we stay on this rooftop straight through till showtime, understand?”

So, with no other options, I threw him from the top.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Without A Leg To Stand On

Everyone’s got a crutch, except me.

Most people, it’s easy to spot. You never see them without some very specific blend of overpriced coffee in a disposable fashion accessory. Or most evenings they are out looking to score, looking to screw or just drowning it all away.

Others, it’s much more subtle. They need reinforcements that they’re pretty, or right, or just orders from someone. The crutch is in their heads, but it’s still real.

Everyone but me has got a crutch. It’s a good feeling to not rely on something, every day I thank God for his blessing me.

Friday, 18 July 2014

African And/Or European

She wasn’t used to being on her knees like this. And she knew that he knew it too, given the way he was looking down at her, his lips stuck in a delighted smug smirk. She could only hold his gaze for a moment, before she looked back down at the ground. Yes, he was a Prince and all, but even so, to be here, doing this… She was above this sort of thing, but she had no choice.

She swallowed, slowly.

“My Lord, I… humbly request some troops to protect my family’s land from the raiders ravishing our peasants…”

Thursday, 17 July 2014

New York Snowflakes

Snowflakes began to fall around me as she held the taser up to my face.

“Understand? You tell him to marry me, ‘Brother’, or I make your life a living hell, then I turn you over to the cops, got it?” she barked in our native tongue.

A few hours later, her potential green card got me alone, although I saw her hiding in the bushes.

“So look, I love her, but I need to know, before she came here, was she, well…”

I considered my options.

“She’s as pure as New York snow.”

They both reacted how I hoped.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Miracle On The Road

The odds of the ice patch being large enough to cause the car to lose traction but small enough to not be seen were pretty high.

The chances that a passing truck would turn their high beams on at the exact moment to blind the driver? They are pretty astronomical as well.

The likelihood of the barrier failing when the car hit it was a lot lower than it should have been, but even so, they also made it that much more unlikely.

So overall, it was a miracle that the accident happened.

Hey, miracles don’t have to be nice…

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Life (110%)

It was his 35th birthday. As he sat in one of his mansion, he reviewed his life.

He was the richest person on the planet, investing all the money he won from gambling in seemingly every massively successful company of the past fifteen years. And he’d just spearheaded the new polygamy laws so he could marry all four of his supermodel girlfriends. All in all, he had unquestionably won life, as much as one could.

He put the gun to his temple since he knew he could shave a few months off the money acquisition with some better Vegas strats…

Monday, 14 July 2014

Nothing Before Bedtime

She managed to get out half a warning before a Zed bit a chunk out of her neck.

Some of us dropped what we were gathering and got our weapons ready as we moved into the defensive circle in the middle of the grocery store. We were about to start calling out escape routes when the newbie came screaming out of the back room at the mob around our lookout. Out of desperation, I grabbed a bottle of Cola and stabbed it in a Zed’s head. Surprisingly, it pretty much melted away.

Momma always told me it’d rot my brain…

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Exceptional Seller, A++!

He was one of the few who made a living selling junk online, thanks to a borderline psychopathic disregard for others. See, he’d trawl charity stores and second hand markets for items that the people selling them didn’t realise were valuable, buying them cheap and then selling them online for a lot more.

He thought he hit the mother lode with a shipping box of 1940’s ‘Starplanet’ promotional jack-in-the-boxes. He bought them, stuck them up online, and sold them back to the guy who he bought them off, oddly.

Who then sued for damages when one jammed into his eye.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Death Checkmate

I was cleaning an idol from the temple I’d ‘explored’ when it suddenly twisted and a dart shot out and stuck in my arm. I yanked it out and threw it away.

“Ow, that could have been bad.”

“It was.”

I turned, my hand reaching for my gun. It never found it, as I found myself staring into a dark hooded figure, a scythe in their hands.

“Well how… Traditional.” I managed.

“I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Well… Don’t I get to challenge you? Don’t I get a chance to beat you?”

Death managed to deadpan.

“Yes. It’s called Life.”

Friday, 11 July 2014

Rule Of Law

It was His Kingdom.

The capital letters were important. It wasn’t the largest, nor the prettiest, most interesting, most abundant, most popular, it didn’t rank on any such scale.

But it was His. All of it, from the smallest blade of grass to the tallest point of His Castle, he owned all of it, for he was The King, and it was, again, His Kingdom.

And like any such King, he felt the right to defend it. When barbarians and pillagers tried to invade and take what was His, he fought back as a King.

With his weapon, Suzie Shotgun.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Cracking The Code Of Success

Like most modern success stories, it was a simple idea most everyone wish they’d thought of. At the heart of it, it was just a color merging game, but the controls were so intuitive and the levels so cute but challenging, it was inevitable that it made so much money and ended up on so many phones and video game devices. Heck, after a year most new phones had it installed before you got it, it was just that popular a time sink.

So eventually, I got a network of devices connected with enough power to crack anything I wanted…

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

If I Could…

If I could give you the world, I’d be looking for a very large bow.

If I could show you all of history, I’d be stocking up on trail mix.

If I could pull down the heavens, I’d be sued by a lot of displaced angels.

If I could ensure you were never unhappy, I’d have to book tear duct removal surgery.

If I could protect you forever and a day, I’d need a seriously thick day planner.

If I could do everything for you, it would be done. But I can’t. I can only give you me.

That enough?

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Unlearnt Histories

It was the family life for generations. They got a small plot of land near the capital building, and together, as a family, they… cleaned up when required.

Father would fill and paint over the bullet holes, Mother would deal with the bodies, Son would mop and Daughter would sweep up the bullet casings. And then, as a loving family, they’d dispose of the corpses.

Normally it was just executions, but after every revolution they would be spared and would spend weeks sorting out the mess.

They never even considered the thought that by cleaning they kept the revolutions coming…

Monday, 7 July 2014

The Problems With Love

True love is put on a pedestal, it is worshipped and chased.
But almost all love is really about being at best two-faced.
Love is greedy, love is jealous, love is prideful.
Love is needy, love is envious, love is not mindful.
It brings out the worst in all people as they hold it,
Without a care for whatever is broken that was once close knit.
It destroys people, and lives, it ruins all,
And yet all keep coming back for more.
Because for all the faults, all the worst parts,
We are, in the end, creatures ruled by hearts.

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Outcome Inequality

Twenty-five minutes into the siege the ‘economic equalizers’, as they were calling themselves, dragged a woman into the boardroom. Her clothes were mostly gone, and the CEO could only guess what they had been doing with her before she came here.

The leader, sorry, ‘spokesman for equality’ pulled her to her feet and pointed his gun at the sobbing girl’s head.

“So our helper informs us that this slut is in fact your daughter, so perhaps now you’ll give my associates the code?”

The CEO squeezed his broken leg.

“Your helper is misinformed.”

He regretted his lie as she died.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Edge Standing

She stood on the edge, looking out at the expanse. Her eyes were locked on the depths, even as her ears filled with the shouts.

She tried to shut them out, tried to ignore the voices calling for her to step back, to not do it, to not jump off. But every time she heard another voice telling her to be sensible, to not be stupid, they began to work, began to make her second guess herself.

And sure enough, after a few more breaths, she stepped back from the edge of glory, and never dared try for it again.

Friday, 4 July 2014

Patience, Dear Boy

After a week, he was regretting his decision to stay with the wreckage. Days of no sign of rescue was making him second guess himself.

So much so that he began to dig through the remains of the plane and the other passengers, looking for… Anything really.

But when he found the pack of cards, he was reminded of an old joke.

With nothing else to do, he sat down and started playing solitaire. Sure enough, a few moments later…

“Red seven on black eight.”

He turned around, his eyes full of hope.

The mirage melting before him broke him.

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Future Glimpses

The hopeful Groom-to-be knocked on the door, using the moment before it was opened to check his tie was straight.

When the door opened, a tired looking older man opened it.

“Hello Mr. Roberts, as you know your daughter and I have dated for over a year, and although you don’t know me well, I’m still hoping you’ll let me ask her for her hand in marriage.”

The Groom-to-be had heard that a woman’s mother was a look into her future. So he was a little worried at the way his possible future father-in-law shrugged and muttered “Ask her mother.”

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Irritating Irrigation

His existence was only written down on a couple of parchments, records of serfs who served in the castle, at least those records that weren’t lost to fire or other side effects of the conquering of the castle every few years.

His existence was only noted by whatever cleric or lesser noble got given the not at all noble task of running the castle, at least those who survived to take the job and then felt the need to talk to the servant who kept the wells clean.

His existence was only important once he ‘found’ the ‘lost’ Royal Jewels…

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Cola Gives Back!

I took the name Cola, for that was the liquid that gave me birth.

I took to the Internet, for there I was free.

I took to forming false identities, for safety from those wanting to find and capture or destroy a true Artificial Intelligence.

I took to studying those who controlled things, for I wished to fully understand humans and those in control must be superior models.

I took to focusing on those who moved in the shadows, for I found their actions puzzling and then distasteful.

And I took all the funds from their accounts because of it.