Tuesday, 30 September 2014

The Hold Out

He was the last unhappy person on the planet.

Everyone else had finally realised that life was meant to be enjoyed. Once they were touched by the Truth Virus, everyone knew that they should just get naked and enjoy their bodies, and everyone else’s too.

Except that one guy. Every day he’d go looking for food, or water, or boring stuff like that. And every day, hands would grab at him, bodies would tease him, trying to get him to forget his worries and just enjoy life.

But he remained steadfast. After all, he could never cheat on his couch.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Covering Every Angle

Most people, when planning a heist, focus far too much on the after. It’s the start that’s the real challenge. Escape is a matter of split second decisions. Getting in needs intense, detailed planning.

I’d covered every angle for this one. When I walked up to that receptionist, no matter what question she had, no matter how distrustful she was, I was ready with an answer.

She looked up, and her smile was so vacant I could have built a five star resort in it.

Like I said, you gotta cover every possibility. Including the chance you get very lucky…

Sunday, 28 September 2014

An Unnerving Scientific Breakthrough

When they stopped injecting me, I mistakenly took it as a good sign. After what felt like years, but given how no-one had changed clothes was probably closer to hours, of my body burning and freezing, time to recover seemed like a good thing.

Then they got out the knives.

Oddly enough I didn’t really feel them cutting into my skin, there was no sensation at all. Then they slowly pulled one of my nerves out of my arm, excited about how it had worked.

Then someone tripped and fell onto my exposed nerve, and I thankfully died from shock.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

The Important Conversations

The first thing my mother told me was that God loved me.

The first thing the street taught me was that you had to have a skill to survive.

The first thing I said to Tyrone was that I liked his chain.

The first thing Tyrone said after we made love was that he wasn’t gay, he swore.

The first thing I had to do for Three Ace when he found out was ‘kill his whore mother’.

The first thing my lawyer told me was to plead guilty.

The last thing the Father told me was that God loved me.

Friday, 26 September 2014

Paper Drops

I tried to proofread the note, but I kept getting teardrops on it.

I tried to calm down, tried to bring my emotions under control. But I just couldn’t, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I got up from the desk and went to the fridge, hoping to calm myself with food. But the jar of pickles she left was in there.

So then I sat back down at the desk, and tried to proofread the note again. But then I gave up and did the deed.

Before I passed out I noticed I was getting blood drops on it.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

How To Take Out A Giant

I stopped being just another City Guard and went off to become one of the Adventurers because they always seemed so exciting and awesome when they came to the City. But after a few months, the novelty of sleeping under the stars with a lot of bugs while I trekked for miles every day had gone.

So when this small hamlet vowed to make me their leader if I took out the giant that had been bothering them, I jumped at the chance to take out the giant.

Well, giantess actually.

And I ended up taking her out a lot…

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Spoken For

When I walked into the party, she broke the embrace he had almost gotten on her and quickly walked over to me, saying ‘Honey!’ loud enough for everyone to hear, and then she said ‘Play along’ just loud enough for me to hear as she kissed me. The creepy looking guy then left.

Years later, this movie we watched had a girl set up an actor to be all creepy with her in order to get her target to ‘protect’ her and get with him. I gave my wife a look.

And so you better make it four dozen roses.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Wrestling In A Sewer

I stared at the shelves of the refrigerator, trying to will fresh food into existence. When that failed, I headed into the lounge/dining/computer/everything room to yell at Dave. But when I got there he was furiously typing on his laptop.

“The hell you doing?”

“Telling BigBadBootyPapi exactly why his opinions about games are complete crap.”

“Dude, arguing on the internet is like wrestling in a sewer. Even if you win, you’re gonna end up covered in shit anyway.”

“Whatever man, just answer the door.”

I shook my head and answered the knocking.

Thus, I got to be shot by Xx_Washington_Pride_xX.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Rules Of The Ring Road

We had a long ride ahead of us to the show that night, so once we were on the highway I pulled out my phone and began to load up Twitter when the veteran leaned over and slapped it out of my hands.

I tried to work out what to say but all I could manage was a baffled expression.

“Listen Kid, you’re already lucky to get to ride shotgun. But if you ride up front, you gotta do your fucking part, and that’s to keep the driver awake and focused during-“

Neither of us saw the turn, of course.

Sunday, 21 September 2014


Like most expressions, the one about how behind every great man is a great woman has some basis in fact. But it’s not so much about how great figures in history have strong support networks as it is the actual Great Woman.

She’s had plenty of names, although she’s tried to stay out of the limelight. But sometimes she’s ended up being remembered, as a Mary here, a Joan there. She lives out one life, then changes her form and continues on as another.

She clearly has some goal in mind. I just hope it doesn’t need another Eva Braun…

Saturday, 20 September 2014

10 Run “FindSearch” Locate.EXE

The cliché of the lone programmer, some bespectacled geek sitting hunched over his computer in his bedroom, that isn’t totally an unfair stereotype. Yes, Albert wasn’t overweight or ugly, and he had had laser eye surgery years ago, but one guy who knew programming working alone, he could indeed change everything. In Albert’s case, he would revolutionise finding old friends, the program he’d end up selling for hundreds of millions allowed you to find people via simple descriptions and concepts, like “lived up the street from me”. It was revolutionary.

And originally designed to find his bitch ex-wife, but still…

Friday, 19 September 2014

Not How Things Work

I should have done the mission by myself, but the brass insisted that I bring him along. He was the only person who could hack into their computers, they told me. And an unaccompanied woman would be noticed, they added. Annoyingly, they were right, but he didn’t have to keep talking as if we were in a spy movie, this was serious.

When we stood miles away and watched the plant blow up, I thought I was free of him, until he tried to kiss me. I shoved him away, and he muttered something about ‘keeping it for the sequel’.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

The Dishonor

He had a name, a title, long ago. But now he was just called The Dishonor. After all, he had made a mockery of the ancient practice of allowing those on trial to fight for their freedom, since he could not be beaten thanks to his dark magic.

But, thankfully for me, the man I had tried to rob was a visiting ambassador from the Empire of Magal, who we were at war with. And thus, I was allowed to have The Dishonor fight for me in my fight.

When I was freed, I asked how he did it.


Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Time Focus

For twenty-seven years, eight months, fifteen days and three hours, we’ve been together as man and wife.

For twenty-seven years, eight months, fifteen days and three hours, we’ve shared the ups and downs of life.

For twenty-seven years, eight months, fifteen days and three hours, while we’ve disagreed, we’ve never truly fought.

For twenty-seven years, eight months, fifteen days and three hours, I’ve been loyal to you, and vice versa.

For twenty-seven years, eight months, fifteen days and three hours, I’ve loved you more deeply than anyone has ever loved anyone.

So why focus on just the last five minutes?

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Out Of A Possible 100…

I never saw what it was that hit me. One minute I’m walking down the road, next I’m floating up into the clouds, leaving the world behind, and then there I was, in front of, well I presume it was God.

They were smaller than I expected, and the clipboard was a little off-putting. I didn’t notice what it was saying at first, still thrown by the whole ‘Just Died’ thing.

I eventually pulled myself together right as It took hold of the lever.

“So yeah, B+ overall. This time, little more selfless charity work?”

God pulled, and I reincarnated.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Alarm Bells

Throughout high school, the friendship wasn’t understood by anyone. OK, so they grew up next door to each other. But she was the popular but bright cheerleader captain, the student chairperson, the homecoming queen, the leader of the school. While he was, well, he was creative, most of the teachers would admit. But he just spent all day drawing, or writing, or just staring off into the distance, daydreaming.

But at least they weren’t a couple, it just platonic. Everyone was thankful for that.

Until she dumped the Quarterback for cheating. Then they hooked up.

Still together, last I heard.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Return To Sender

K.A.I, The ‘Kreative’ A.I, was the breakthrough of the decade, as it was the first major A.I to be truly creative. And it was instrumental in the development of Backtime Genetic Linked Messaging, and many other technological breakthroughs, up until someone asked it to help the Earth become peaceful, to which it intuitively realised the only way to do that was kill humanity, which it proved good at.

Seemed appropriate to use the Backtime Messaging to try and prevent this, and I sent messages back to my Father.

Although turns out my Mother had an affair with a Hollywood writer…

Saturday, 13 September 2014


Her hair was the color of caramel, long flowing locks that shone in the moonlight.

Her eyes were a deep blue, the sort of blue that normally only exists as ‘Bubblegum flavor’, and they had a way of looking into your soul, and reflecting back only the best in you.

She was… Well, airhead would be a complement. She was kind, and loving, and just a delight to be around, but she wasn’t at all a conversationalist.

All in all, she was the sweetest girl I’d ever known.

Too bad then, that what I really needed was a filling stew.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Marrying Princess MacGuffin

When Princess MacGuffin had returned from her captivity, after a week to mourn the sacrifice of Prince Victorious, the Kingdom began to prepare for the Wedding. After all, the Evil Cultists clearly wanted to prevent the marriage which would unify the Kingdom and the Empire, but now she was back, it could go ahead.

At dawn, the High Priest came to the Princess’ door, to spend some time in prayer with her for a happy marriage and many healthy children, knocking then entering her room.

And setting off the trap she had prepared when she escaped a few hours prior.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Post Haste

The soldiers guarding me were so helpful, ensuring that I was awake on the morning of my execution with a quite mild stomp on my head.

They were also quite accommodating, letting me stand before dragging me out from my cell towards the gallows, where a Dark Elf, I think he was, was whistling a pleasant tune as he tied the rope into a noose.

Before they could get me up there though, a letter from the King appeared in my hand, and they were very generous to let me read it.

Especially considering it was actually a Haste spell…

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Bully Receipt

When class was over, I was almost clear when they stopped me. Although there were a bunch of them, all I could see was Mario looming over me.

“So Butthead, you got your Dyslexic Tax?”

I didn’t meet his eyes, looking away from him as I said, quietly, “No.”

He made a big deal of clearing his ear.

“Huh, see Butthead, again, since we all have to wait for you to get your words all right way round, only seems fair to pay us, Butthead. So Butthead, how-“

At that point I just gave up and headbutted him. Seemed appropriate.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Seller’s Market

Most people who say they want to sell their soul, they don’t really mean it, so I don’t appear. But to the truly desperate, or greedy, or the very rare virtuous soul under sudden, intense pressure? When they say it, I appear.

They tend to expect a guy or girl in a black and red suit, not a tour guide. But when I bring them to the marketplace, they tend to understand. From Set to Lucifer, every devil (or equivalent), offering the best deal they can for one soul.

Illusion of choice helps to ensure I get them, you see.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Full Stop

He kept to himself. He was just one of the nameless faces you walk past every day. He had a small one room apartment, and there he wrote. Every day, almost every spare minute, he sat at his typewriter and wrote page after page, story after story, book after book. And he never showed a soul.

Eventually, he died (Traffic accident). And so his sole relative, a second cousin, was the one to discover his works. She published them, and he became world famous as a serious author.

Which would have annoyed him, since they were meant to be comedy…

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Some Other Time, Some Other Place

The music was muffled slightly out on the balcony. But it didn’t matter to them, as they were too busy stealing a long, passionate kiss. But then he broke it, taking a step back.

“We can’t… This has to stop. My wife…”

She tried to hold back her tears as she slowly nodded. “I know, I know, but… Why can’t we be together? Why can’t we be happy?”

He took her hand slowly.

“Maybe in some other place, some other time…”

In another place, in another time, she stabbed him as he tried to rape her after pillaging her village.

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Minders Of The Meadows

The Meadows of Mirth were the happiest places ever. Everyone who lived there was happy and altogether so sickly sweet merely gazing upon them would give you diabetes.

Of course, since the surrounding lands ranged from ‘greedy humans’ through to ‘literal demonic hellspawn’, kittens and puppies who farmed gumdrops and rainbows should have been overrun before you can spell saccharine.

But, they had protectors. Residents who could no longer be happy due to loss were asked, nicely, to defend the land.

And they did. Right up until they got the chance to make everyone else as unhappy as they were…

Friday, 5 September 2014

Aesop 2.0: 14. The Troll Under The Bridge

On the outskirts of the village, leading to the dairy farms, was a bridge. And underneath the bridge, there lived a troll. The dairy maids who brought the milk to the village had to deal with him every time they crossed the bridge. When they brought this up, the villages told them just to ignore it, that it couldn’t really hurt them, that doing anything to it would just make it stronger. But eventually, the troll, since no-one stopped it, got greedy and ate up the dairy maids.

“Trolls can’t always be ignored. Sometimes they have to be dealt with.”

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Even Handed Negotiation

They woke me up with lots of cold water.

As soon as I was conscious, I tested the ropes holding me down, but they were still tight.

“Again, where plans?” asked the guard. I shrugged, as best I could with my arms tied. He shouted something in his native tongue, and then his offsider brought a hammer down on my hand.

They seemed confused when I didn’t react, to it or the next couple of shots. Then I heard on their radio someone mention my nerve damage.

I then acted really scared when they began to attack my dead hand.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Thinking Smartly

As I got off the plane, my thoughts were pretty average for a guy coming back from the front. Get my girl, get some junk food, get drunk and/or high, then screw for a week.

When I spotted my girl, I was still focused on that, even if I couldn’t hide my (momentary) shock at her weight gain. She turned around and wiggled her now rounder ass at me.

“I overheard you say you wanted more booty before your deployment!” she said, proud of herself.

I tried to work out how to explain ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’ to her…

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Nothing Gets By This One

I know exactly when I worked out MMA was rigged.

I mean, when they brought in tag team fights, that was fine. Made sense, was a logical next step.

When the fighters began to become more outlandish and over the top, well, society was going that way anyway, with the Internet and everything. Clowns and furries and the like, that was just part of society evolving.

And the triple decker cage? Hey, it looked cool, whatever.

But when I knew it was rigged? When Ward beat Myoko. No way in hell that wasn’t rigged, Myoko should have totally owned Ward…

Monday, 1 September 2014

The Backup

I watched in horror as the test substance consumed her. When she rose back up and lunged, I ran for the door, managing to lock it behind me. I turned around, right into a giant guy I hadn’t seen before, in a dark grey uniform. I was just happy to see someone else not consumed.

“Anyone else?” he asked in a loud voice. I shook my head, and he turned and ran. I followed him, glancing at the insignia and name on the uniform.

“Alt? That’s German, right?”

Then I saw Control and Delete, who proceeded to shoot me dead.