Fists

They had three fistfights across thirty-five years.

The first was when they were nine and eleven respectively. Rick got a John Diaz rookie card in his baseball card pack, and Chuck wanted it. Chuck won.

The second was ten years later. Rick found Chuck in bed with his girlfriend, and was, somewhat understandably, upset about it. Rick won, although his girlfriend left him, so Chuck viewed it as a moral victory.

The third fight, twenty-five years after that one, was over a ultra-rare signed mint John Diaz rookie card worth thousands. Rick's wife won, since Chuck got life for murder.

Racer

The screen at the top of the stadium changed, the bottom line now reading 'John Shelly - DNF'

John kept 'running', forcing me to keep up with him, not that it was hard.

"I'm still going!" He insisted through heavy breaths.

"It's been three hours since the last finisher, and you're still got a dozen laps!"

"I'm going to finish, you're going to record it, I insist."

I threw up my hands and changed it back, the clock not stopping so we could continue.

The next morning, every other racer tested positive for illegal drugs, our doping scientist Martha Porter-Shelly reported.

Cup Of Cheer

It was the only error in the topographical map of the region. The surveyor had celebrated his team's victory in the finals of the continental cup the previous night, and if he'd been asked, he'd have stated that the fact that he only slacked off once that day despite the hangover proved his dedication.

But yes, he'd not checked the ground on that hill, assuming it was the same as the rest of the area.

Which meant that his side won out when the continental forces' general died when a lookout post collapsed due to insecure ground that wasn't recorded.

Hotfix

The message had reached meme status on the Extranet. It was a simple post asking if anyone had a Jillian Skinner 2067 MVP holofigurine for sale. But due to a mistake in the coding the Company had been working on, it had turned up in everyone's feed, undeletable. The Company promised a fix, but then faced a backlash and so even when they fixed the coding, they left the message in place.

Of course, everyone assumed that the original poster had gotten it wrong, since Jillian Skinner wasn't the 2067 MVP.

Instead, the Company letting their inter-universe code slip early.

Sally And Suzi

Sally and Suzi were born within an hour of each other, on separate floors of the same hospital. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi spent three years worth of teenage Saturday mornings in the same building, on separate floors in different sports. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi spent four years at the same university, in different degrees. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Sally and Suzi met at a party and fell instantly in love. They didn't know this until years later, of course.

Battery

I got about ten or so solid strikes across the back of him before the baseball bat began to splinter. So I turned to throw it into the bin, when I saw her, our eyes meeting as she peeked down the stairs into the basement.

I turned back and made sure the guy was still secured before I slowly headed up the stairs while trying to work out how to explain everything.

But all she was upset about was that I broke her baseball bat. I promised to buy her a new one then went back down to finish up.

The Old Days

When I started in this sport, everyone was out for themselves, anyone helping you was either pulling a con or just in it for something for themselves. Attitudes were so far backwards about women and minorities and what have you, that I nearly quit multiple times.

Now? Now almost every person in this sport is amazing, supportive, progressive, willing to help when they can, thinking of the sport and how they can help it rather than the other way around. Everyone is helping, so everyone is doing so much better than the old days.

The lucky bastards and/or bitches.

Red Cards

West Forest Bears V Greater Lakeville Crawfish
12/6/18 Tom Murray Field
Umpires: Greg Harper, William Clarke, Sarah Jones-Clarke

05:37 Yellow Card Bears 15, late tackle on opposing player
16:05 Yellow Card Crawfish 07, deliberate handling of the ball
22:58 2nd Yellow Card/Red Card Crawfish 07, control of ball via outside interference/illegal object on the field (Crystal confiscated and held by sideline umpire)
24:22 Team Disqualified Crawfish, unsportsmanlike conduct, refusal to communicate clearly with officials, outside interference leading to illegal control of sideline umpire.

Umpire Clarke requested Umpire Jones-Clarke returned, Crawfish refused (worshiping).

The Crucial Play

Over two hundred and fifty players, the best of the best of the best, were gathered to find one true champion. There had been upsets, routs, nail-biters, and blow-outs. But now, just two remained.

And while every game had been important to those playing, and everything had led to this, all in all, the entire tournament came down to just one play. Just one action was enough to settle the entire competition for the eventual grand champion.

Unfortunately for all the other players, that crucial play had been the one years ago that got the winner hooked on the sport.

Why I Wrestle

Let's see, I guess the first thing is how I can't close my left index and middle fingers all the way. Sliced the nerves on a broken table on my first day here.

My right ankle is fused together with metal, my famous cage dive came with a cost.

My lower back is bugging me, I have occasional vision issues, and don't get me started on my neck.

But when I step through that curtain, or in front of the camera, all that melts away. It's why I still do it.

Plus it pays for all the pills I need.

The Power Of Love

The story is one you've heard lots of times, in one form or another. Two people meet, and despite reasons why they shouldn't be together, love finds a way.

It's a sentiment that almost everyone would agree, in theory, is sweet and something to support. And yet, everyone will have some sort of situation in mind where they wouldn't agree that it's good. From sport teams to political viewpoints and everything inbetween, everyone has their own ideas about what love cannot overcome.

But really, the only thing love can't break is the laws of the universe.

So far, at least.

Physical

Our first interaction was when I hit her over the head with a toy truck. In my defense, I was five at the time, and she hit me right back.

Our relationship remained somewhat physical, most of the time we spent together as kids was when we were playing soccer (three pennants in a row!) or volunteering with building homes for the needy.

Throughout high school, we stayed friends, even as I took up basketball and she became a state champion runner.

But then one night we got physical.

In my defense I was drunk and she kissed right back.

On Your Marks

The shot rang out across the stadium, and the athletes rose up and began to sprint as if their lives depended on it.

Most of them had trained for most of their lives for this moment. The chance to prove that they were the very best in the world.

Their entire lives revolved around the sport, they had given up so much, no social life, little study, less fun, everything was focused on this race, on winning it.

As it turned out, one of them was a little too focused on the race.

More shots rang out over the stadium.

The Hunger

The Hunger had to be contained.

If left unchecked, there was no telling the damage it could cause. What could be destroyed, what could be lost. But likewise, it was easy to overfeed it, which brought with it a whole other set of problems, technically less worse, but in some ways messier.

A balancing act had to be struck, making sure it never rose enough to destroy while never falling into the negative and ruining things.

She’d gotten the balance down to an art, making sure she always had a fresh dip and chips ready if the game went long.

Booking Problems

The boss said that he wanted the next champion to be legit, a real 'shooter'. So I lined up the former MMA guy.

But he was too bland, apparently, so the boss vetoed him. So I set up the most charismatic guy on the roster to take it.

But he was too risky with his drug use and also got vetoed. The born again guy I pushed next, but he couldn't talk well enough.

Every time I settled on someone, there was a problem with them. So the bosses' son ended up reigning for over a year. Funny that, huh?

The Talk

The radio in the corner of the diner was declaring that the Yankees had won the '56 World Series as World Champion wrestler The Masked Mountain, sans mask, and his doll, Betty, were squeezed into a corner booth as they had The Talk.

"I don't like to use the word 'fake', but the fact is that it's all a show. The moaning and groaning is for effect, the sweat is real, but only because of how hard I have to work to make it look real!

So that's why I'm leaving you, I need a man who's good in bed."

Ball Control

Each culture has their own rituals, from the official, ceremonial ones to the casual ones that citizens wouldn't even recognize as rituals. The simple ones are the ones that truly teach you about the culture.

For instance, what the society deems as the 'correct' interaction for fathers and their sons. It's usually a sport, one with little chance of accidental physical contact, or even eye contact.

Maybe it involves killing an animal, maybe it involves creating something. Maybe it even involves more men.

But the main thing it teaches you is how badly they want men to remain emotionally stunted.

Boxing Day

It wasn’t their usual coffee place, but it was the only place open within walking distance of them both.

The number of words they actually spoke to each other was minimal, most of them one word questions or answers about the coffee, and if cakes were wanted and, if so, which ones.

However, they both knew the game they were playing. Every word, every silence, every gesture, every glance, all of it was a type of combat, jabs, feints, both of them looking for weaknesses, looking to score the KO.

Until eventually they realised they didn’t want to hurt anymore.

Farnarkeling Report: 10/4/17

Auckland – The Farnarkeling world was rocked today as the United States defeated Palau to claim their first every victory in an international fixture in the Sport Of the Rivers. Led by team captain Glory Glory-Hallelujah, the first lesbian Muslim vegan albino to arkle for her country on a professional level, the US team found themselves being 17-1 down after just three minutes into the first worble, a position familiar to long time fans of the Stars & Flukems.

But after a fiery speech by Coach Dave Sorenson Jr, son of the legendary Australian Farnarkeling champion of the same name minus the addition, the US team managed to find the inner spirit to fight back, at times running rings around the plucky Palau team, keeping them confined to their wiffenwacker for most of the third worble, allowing Glory-Hallelujah to make a trio-sixth in near record time.

Tragedy struck near the end of the game, however, as Glory-Hallelujah attempted to arkle from well behind the American transom-housing while attacking in defense, and managed to vault herself clear across the phlange via a possibly unrepeatable meeting of her flukem, the gonad, and an opposing player’s mouth brace. She crashed into Coach Sorenson Jr who was in the process of opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate the team’s victory, causing Sorenson Jr to take a large percentage of the bottle internally, while leaving Glory-Hallelujah with a corked thigh. It will be tragic indeed if either essential cog in the Red, White, & Green Machine will be unable to rejoin the team.

Now having advanced to the second round of the Mixed Others tournament, the US team will now face either Guam or Chad, weather permitting.

Our previous Farnarkeling correspondent is sadly unable to join us due to personal reasons.

Vale Mr. John Clarke