Lawn Care

The grass always grew brighter and thicker in patches, weaker and browner in others.

The Neighbourhood Betterment Committee was always on my case about it, wanting me to fix it, although as I told them, everything I tried never worked.

Eventually, the Committee sent me a letter and told me to fix it by the end of the month, or they'd recommend I have my permits removed. So, reluctantly, I contacted a fake grass company, and inquired.

Thankfully, they told me that they could install it with just an inch of dirt.

The bodies wouldn't be found with that, thankfully.

Another Step

There's always another step to take, another border to cross.

I started block by block, taking over the city, and the suburbs around it.

Step.

The region of the country soon fell under my control.

Step.

The whole country was next, obviously.

Step.

One country became two, three, ten, s hundred.

Step.

Owning the planet is all well and good, but there were twelve more in the system.

Step.

The system next door, cosmically speaking, was pretty close.

Step.

The galaxy.

Step.

The universe.

Step.

Crossing into another timeline.

Step.

All before me was mine, across all known space-time.

Step... 

Obvious Tell

As far as twitches went, it was very mild, just a slight twitch of the left eye, the bottom lid flicking up and down a little.

But when you want to play poker with serious players, that sort of thing seems like an obvious handicap.

At first, it earned him money by players assuming it must be a tell that he was bluffing, and paying the price for calling him.

Then people assumed it was a tell he was good, and would fold automatically.

Soon, people equated it with him about to win the hand.

That made him plenty rich.

Golden Sound

The gold bar made a distinctive noise when it hit the table, a sound you never forget.

My eyes were drawn to it, as he started droning on about the job and what he expected me to do. I listened enough to nod at the right points, as he swore that he'd have more of them once I was done.

I stood up, and held out my hand, confusing him, until I made it clear.

A moment later, after some effort, I found another sound I'd never forget, the sound of a gold bar breaking a skull with repeated blows.

Negotiations

The talks had stalled out, and the two sides just stared at each other across the table.

The representative from the Council tried to get them to talk, but they refused, until finally the representative shook their head.

"Very well, since there's no point being here, I'll go-"

Both sides turned to stare at the representative.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah, what are you talking about?"

"We're sick of you foreigners coming in and telling us what to do!"

The representative hoped that they'd work together, but when they attacked the Council's members, they were reprimanded.

Tracker

I lost the trail somewhere after the waterfall, and I was now blindly moving through the jungle, heading towards the hill in the distance, hoping the elevation would help.

Halfway towards the hill, I found a campsite, which I wasn't expecting. My target was, I was informed, on the run and was meant to be on the move all the time. But this camp was lived in.

As I looked through the camp, I suddenly heard the footsteps behind me. I slowly turned around.

My target has a knife.

"I'm bringing you in."

"The hell you are."

The knife hurt.

One Shot

The gunfire kept us pinned down behind the temporary barricade, which was slowly but surely getting destroyed by said gunfire.

"We gotta move!"

"We'll get shot the moment we try!"

"We stay here and we'll get shot after a while anyway!"

"Maybe not! It's worth the chance!"

I sighed, and grabbed my rifle, and aimed down it.

I had only one chance, as I looked for the gun keeping us down, and I fired.

The moment my bullet hit home, I put down my gun, and hoped they'd seen me kill our captain and would thus take us prisoner.

Nope.

Golden Thoughts

I opened the chest, and was nearly blinded by the shine of the gold inside.

Thoughts raced through my head as I stared at it.

I thought about the allies I'd lost on the way to this point, lost to traps, wild animals, and infighting.

I thought about the trials that I'd had to best, the challenges that had almost killed me as well as some of my allies.

I thought about the time this chest had sat here, untouched, waiting for me.

But most of all, I thought about how the hell I was going to get it home.

The Arctic Circle

Up in the arctic circle, people were vanishing.

At first, it wasn't noticed, given that those that chose to live right up near the pole often were anti-social at best. But then a couple of scientists vanished, and then the rescue parties that were sent to find them also vanished, followed by the cities above the line were emptied, overnight.

Every attempt to discover what was going on just saw more people vanish, to  the confusion of everyone.

On the plus side, that year's Christmas was excellent, with the presents from Santa being of extremely high quality for a change.

End Of Rules

You couldn't do just anything with magic, the rules existed for a reason.

Some, even non-users knew. No creation without equal destruction. Dwarves Grown Gems don't work for magic. Only what was possible should be recreated.

The full list was very long, but the point was, even at a snap of the fingers, you still had to be reasonable.

Because ignoring the rules was possible, but only at the expense of huge amounts of magic. And most users had very little to begin with.

Until someone worked out how to make more magic from a spell within the rules, technically.

Good Life Cash Claim Speedy Yes

The ads ran for months before anyone questioned them. There was always another automated scam program slamming together buzzwords to find a combination someone would access on their neuralnet and become another automated program host. But usually those would run something and when it didn't work, they'd try another combination.

This one kept the same word salad ad going for months before someone tried to access it through a dummy user to see what it was.

And they found that it was a genuine offer, and that everyone should click on it.

Which proved how advanced automated programs had become.

Black, No Sugar

I wanted a coffee, but there was a hole in the packet in the cupboard, and it was all gone. Presumably my mice were bouncing off the walls.

So I got dressed, headed out the door, and walked down to the shop on the corner.

When I walked in, the figure in front of the cashier turned and stuck a gun in my face. I sighed.

"Look man, I just need some coffee."

"I don't fucking care, I'm gonna get my money, and-"

I stepped forward, brought my hand up, disarm, break the arm, dropped him.

I really needed coffee.

Octopus Boy

He was the talk of the water cooler. He had been one of the IT tech boys, until it was discovered that he'd been secretly dating half a dozen women around the office, from the front desk secretary to the CEO.

I came in late, but I got caught up, until someone referred to him as 'Octopus Boy', which I laughed at.

The others looked at me, so I began to explain how technically octopuses have six arms and two legs, when one of them coldly informed me that 'Octopus Boy' was his online user name.

Wss still funny, though.

Countdown

The countdown appeared on every screen on the planet, taking a few hours to switch from the alien looking circle to human numbers.

It was about 12 hours before it was due to come to an end. There were plenty of theories as to what it was. Certainly some people thought it was some sort of viral marketing, but most people took it to be an end of the world, and acted accordingly.

As the countdown ticked down, someone launched a nuke, which set all of them flying.

When the countdown ended and the alien delegation arrived, they were confused.

A Lukewarm Defence Of Valentine's Day

I've written in the past on the theme of love and how society mandated days about it are at best misguided and at worst insulting.

However, I do think, despite this, there is some merit to having a day for love, since it means that the society does think it's important and worthy of attention and following through. So, you know, I don't hate Valentine's Day, really. It has positives and negatives.

But never celebrate it on the actual day, people jack up their prices on this day, do it a week before or after, if you must celebrate it.

42 02 13 12 06 26

 "42 02 13 12 06 26"

That was the only message my future self was able to send back to me. As a child, I obsessed over it, trying to decide what they were. A safe combination? Scores? Dates in some weird calendar?

I finally realised they were lottery numbers, and thus once I turned 18 I played them in every lottery I could, and waited for them to come good. Every record jackpot, I assumed they'd finally come due.

The following up message of 'coordinates' came too late, I assume, given how long I've lived here in Italy now.

A Demon's View On Hell

I always find it so interesting when the humans talk about hell. They always have such odd, amusing ideas as to what it is. Certainly the fire and brimstone idea has been dominant for a while now, sure, but they have plenty of other ideas, that it's other people, or a permanent Schoolies Week, or even just what it's paved with, stuff like that.

Endlessly amusing, especially given that they're never close. After all, it doesn't exist, at least as a place they go to after this world.

Why would we want that, when we're doing so well here already?

Ninja Butler

So the theory goes that Kabuki theater is what popularised the idea of ninjas wearing all black, since Kabuki has Kuroko,  stagehands dressed in all black which you pretend don't exist. And a popular idea, supposedly, is to have one of them suddenly attack and reveal they are in fact a ninja. Thus, people perceive that ninjas wear all black.

It's similar to how in western mystery novels, the butler is seen as just part of the furniture, and thus the butler doing it is seen as a terrible cliche.

Which seems less cool, when you think about it, really.

Taco Bowl

The back alley between a bowling alley and a family Mexican restaurant was not my first choice of where to have sex, to be frank it wasn't in my top 200, but she was very insistent on wanting me as quickly as possible. Maybe she got off on it being both in public and near family activities, possibly. All I know is that she was insistent and ready, and for a spontaneous event whose location I wasn't keen on, I performed adequately, until I made a 7-10 split joke that ruined the mood.

Least it wasn't a nacho cheese joke.

Today's Main Character

There's a (new) old saying that "Every day, there's a main character on social media.

Never be the main character on social media."

Today's main character was some asshole male telling women not to post any sort of photo of them in a bikini or underwear or anything, since men don't want that.

Now, obviously he's wrong, and I'm sure he meant that, but given that the vast majority of reactions to that was women posting photos of them in bikinis or underwear or whatever, well, if I ever want a deluge of that, I know how to get it. 

The Cat's Mother

The last few messages from her that I received were increasingly desperate requests to call her.

When I finally had a free moment, I ducked into the cold room and called her.

"Sorry, I was busy serving-"

"She's dead!"

I paused, expecting more information, but none was forthcoming.

"You need to be more specfic here, She's the cat's mother after all."

"Yes!"

I blinked.

"Yes what?"

"Yes, she is the one!"

"Who?"

"The cat's mother!"

"Okay?"

"You don't understand, the cat's going to be next!"

By the time I learnt about her grand aunt's will situation, it was too late.

Baited

I cast the reel, the lure hitting the water with a satisfying sound. I leaned back and closed my eyes.

"Morning!"

I sighed and opened my eyes, seeing a smiling face surrounded by distressingly professional looking gear and equipment. I grunted.

"Look, pal, I come out here to relax and sleep, pretty much, I'm not interested in talking about fishing or fish or bait or anything like that, ok? You can fish properly, if you want, but just leave me out of it!"

He shrugged and started fishing, until he pulled out a locked chest, running off with it quickly.

Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

The mob was small, relatively, but they were certainly determined, as they kept banging on the walls, demanding food, in that low grumble that marked those monsters.

We had, at first, tried to thin their numbers, but after losing a couple of our troops to them, we stopped trying and just focused on making sure the walls were sturdy and survived.

But we could only ignore them for so long, and eventually they managed to break in, and we had to shoot them all in the head.

And then, to top it all off, zombies chose to attack right then.

Not My Terms

The spotlight was harsh in my eyes, as I stood in the center of everyone's attention.

I had wanted this, from as early as I could remember, I'd wanted the attention of everyone.

But not like this.

I'd wanted the attention on my terms, with the barriers I'd built between me and them, to present what I wanted to be seen to them all, and to have most love me for it, given I wasn't so egotistical as to expect universal acceptance.

Instead I stood, defenceless.

I didn't get universal acceptance, but those who did accept me I didn't want.

To The Edge

He chased me to a literal end of the Earth, a cliff overlooking the ocean, the westmost point of the continent.

As I stood with my back to the sheer drop, he slowly approached me, murder in his eyes.

"Why? Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?"

He snorted.

"A year ago now, in the capital, you were heading into the Tax Office building, I held the door for you, and you didn't say thank you!"

I stared at him until he laughed.

"Just kidding! There's no reason, actually."

That was somehow worse.

Self Obsession

You ever have something you did as a throwaway get stuck in your memory?

I had to take part in a roundtable about a wrestling card, a dull one, so dull I had to do my posts in limerick form to keep myself interested.

And one of them, well;

The champ is Harley Quinn, sans mallet.

And she’s fighting all Smackdown’s girl talent.

You’d pick Neon Black,

Since she just got back,

But we’re getting trolled by color palette.

I could explain that all, but trust me, it's very witty.

Why am I fixated on it though?

Wasn't even right!

Popped

It was a child's balloon, made of foil, full of what I assumed was helium, although considering how low to the ground it was floating, it was probably now full of a mix of helium and other gases.

I would have grabbed it, but that would have required me to move out of my hiding spot.

Instead, I stayed still, watching as it caught the light, until the creature approached, poking at it with a claw, popping it somewhat gingerly.

I stayed perfectly still, scared out of my mind.

Turned out that I popped much less pleasantly than the balloon.