Thursday, 31 March 2016

The Man With The Golden Gun

Same thing, every time.

They come up and ask if I am indeed the man with the Golden Gun, and if they might be allowed to see it.

I take my time, then slowly slide the Gun out from the holster and then hold it in such a way that they can see it, but I can still fire it in a half-second.

They look confused, and then ask if the bullets are Golden.

I then remind them that he who has the Gold makes the rules, and since this gun has decided when the last three Rulers stopped ruling…

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Live And Let Die

Mercy and charity are the banes of my existence.

Selfishness, greed, those I can use. But the minute someone starts to think about someone else’s feelings or wellbeing, I’m sunk.

Certainly I’m better off than I was a few decades ago, where people still maintained a fa├žade of caring, and miles better than a century ago when they actually did care.

But there are still pockets of love and empathy out there, but I’ll squash them out.

And then get all the credit for ‘saving’ humanity when I bring it all back.

The lives lost during are totally worth that.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Diamonds Are Forever

He pushed the small box towards her. It sat there for several long seconds.

“A small token-“

A single upraised finger made him trail off. The finger came down and, along with its matching digits, wrapped around the box.

When she finally opened it, the sparkle from the stones within the wood and cloth washed over her unimpressed face, until, a few seconds later, it snapped shut and she carefully placed the box back down.

“Take me back?”

She raised an eyebrow, staring at him, sitting there, desperation practically shooting from every pore.

“I wasn’t aware I’d thrown you away.”

Monday, 28 March 2016

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Every ruler has agents in each other’s courts. After all, you need to know what they say to others, their advisors, their lovers. And if you’re lucky, and you know who they’ve sent to your court, you can control what they think they know about your thinking. It’s a subtle interplay, build on decades of half-truths, secrets and blackmail. To break into this circle, for a new, small, weak court to infiltrate this network of networks, that would take gold, power, work.

Much better for someone ‘unconnected’ to smash it all up for no apparent reason and go from there.

Other Versions: “An Unremarkable Woman” As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “An Unremarkable Woman”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at

You can read the original version here!

Sunday, 27 March 2016

You Only Live Twice

I woke up.

Considering that the last thing I remember prior to this point was the sensation of the bullet entering my skull, this was an improvement.

I looked around, expecting a hospital, and yet instead it was a field, small white flowers everywhere.

I got up, picked a direction.

It took days, but I finally found a gathering of people, farming, building, living. Making a home.

I picked up a hammer and got to work, given a lack of other options.

I had a long, satisfying life, which was a change.

And then I died.

And woke up again.

Saturday, 26 March 2016


I was never good at specifics. But worse, I always thought I was, or at least I had this time.

It must have seemed like a running gag to anyone else, I’d get told that the Skelton King had a demon arm and I’d prepare and learn how to defend against close range demonic possession and then oh dear, they actually said a demon army.

But I always would win the day, with some clever thinking and hitting stuff with my sword hard enough.

Until the last mission.

Hey, that sure as hell sounds like a lightning based spell, right?

Friday, 25 March 2016


The river was long, wide, and filled with a very eclectic mix of monsters, creatures and… things. If you were quick, strong, and packed light, you could make it a good halfway across before you were eaten, killed or… other.

Naturally, such a river needed to be crossed by adventurers and the like, if they lacked flight or transportation. And so they’d come to my raft and read my sign and call out ‘Goldfinger’ and offer blessings.

I would then tell them that the sign was not my name, but my price.

And there was an ‘and’ between the two.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

From Russia With Love

There was a small pot of paint and a brush kept in the storeroom. No-one knew who originally put it there, but whenever one was empty or broken, whoever broke/emptied it would replace it.

Sgt. Kornif was the go-to guy when he was stationed onsite, as his brushwork was excellent, he could write clearly and accurately with the brush, no matter how long the message was. But now it came down to whoever had the idea for a message, they’d have to do it themselves.

After all, you had to write something on the bombs before they were loaded up.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Dr. No

I had read every months old magazine in the room from cover to cover when a nurse finally gave me an update, which basically boiled down to “still operating”.

I had watched as the 24 hour news channel had gone from initial report to first report to initial analysis to in-depth analysis to blaming the president all the way to half-assed retraction, when another nurse came in and gave me another update, which basically boiled down to “we have to wait”.

I had hopes when the Doctor came in. Then I saw his face, and all my hopes boiled away…

Site News: Bond. James Bond

Just a line to indicate, as if it's not obvious, that I'm starting a short series over Easter and the following week of Drabbles based on the James Bond movies, or at least the titles, the actual stories have nothing with them, since I've only seen a couple.


*holds up a shaken martini*

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

To My Son On His Eighteenth Birthday

My beautiful son.

On this, your eighteenth birthday, I can’t help but think about possibilities. I know a father is supposed to be grounded and realistic and down to earth and all those other euphemisms for boring, but I still can’t help but imagine your life.

The family business calls, but then your uncle said no to that and beat his own path in the world.

Might the girl next door be the one for you, or is your soul mate halfway around the world as I type this?

So many possibilities. I wish you were alive to fulfil them…

Monday, 21 March 2016

Self Contempt

Whenever he had to look through his early work, he felt nothing but contempt.

How he thought he was so daring, how he was sure that the stuffy conventions were holding him back, that his new brushstrokes and composition would revolutionise art.

With the benefit of experience and actual talent, he saw nothing but mistakes, and dumb ideas, and just plain crappy work.

And while he knew sucking was part of the journey to being good, he still hated looking at his first dozen years of work.

Not that he ever said any of this to anyone. Might hurt sales…

Other Versions: "Adaptation Hills, SD" As Performed By George Sirois

Here is “Adaptation Hills, SD”, as read by George Sirois, you can check out more of his work at

You can read the original version here!

Other Versions: Drabbles As Performed By George Sirois

So you might recall a while back, I posted a Drabble as read out by Greg Pak. Well my friend George Sirois has read out a bunch of my best Drabbles, and I'll be posting them in the coming weeks. But if you want to hear them all now, you can head over to and listen to them all now, for free! Awesome!

And if you want more info on George, his website is so do check them out!

Sunday, 20 March 2016


The problem with discovering the secret to interuniversal connections by accident, at least the way I did it, is that the possible benefits would be reaped by the company after they fire me for bringing in a couple of twin hookers for some fun in the lab.

So, instead, I kept it under wraps and smuggled the parts out to rebuild the tech in my home. Took a few years, but now I have the set up to swap yourself with your interuniversal counterpart, for a cost.

Apart from the money to me…

See, that other universe…

Time goes backwards...

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Break In Protocol

The spell had just taken hold when the old man walked in, bowed over by a stack of books he could barely carry.

“Your Majesty, it is time for your history lesson, today we shall be-“

He stopped short when he finally looked up at us. The Queen smiled blankly at him.

“Keeper, I have decided to submit to Yonith here, he is to take over the Kingdom, that’s wonderful, is it not?”

He glared at me.

“You can’t just cast a spell on the Queen!”

“Why not?”

He groaned, annoyed.

“You need to hypnotise her other handlers first, Apprentice…”

Friday, 18 March 2016

Unwanted Initiative In Initiative Removal Services

I looked over the remains.

“So let’s recap. What’s Drop Water Torture?”

His eyes crossed as he tried to remember my words.

“By re-strain-ing a prisoner and letting water drop-lets fall onto their faces, we can en shore that the prisoner is driveing to a point where in-teary-gayton is most e-fective.”

“Fine. Now what did you do wrong?”

He looked bashful.

“But, Sir, pain is-“

I cut him off with a raised hand.

“First off, pain does not help with extracting information, and secondly… You know what? Never mind. Guards? Give my former torturer his own Drop Acid Torture please.”

Thursday, 17 March 2016


My best friend nudged me as I was hunting through my salad for any stray olives that had snuck in.

“Check out the blonde by the Tiki-Taco stand!”

I looked up and glanced at the woman seemingly engrossed in whatever images were flashing across her phone’s screen.

“Eh, she’s a bit too overpretty.”

There was a pause, during which I found another olive.


“Yeah, you know, all that make up and work… It’s too much. I prefer natural looking girls.”

“Is that why you married me?” she asked.

I sensed a trap and didn’t reply.

That was a mistake.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Small Comforts

I was taught by my Capo that while there’s a place for big favors, a job for a daughter, help covering up a body, stuff like that, you should never forgo the little things. A man who owes the Family for one big favor is likely to do something big to repay it but resent you all the way through. But you keep a man in good cigars, or with a regular hooker, or you make sure his dealer stays in business, he’s yours for life.

Small comfort when he goes on a bad trip and grabs your gun though.

Tuesday, 15 March 2016


It was the “BENEDicta’s Ice Cream Topping Analysis”, because she liked the idea of naming something in an acronym after herself.

But it was a defendable concept, she felt that she was able to tell what sort of person you were by what ice cream topping you chose, when given the full range that she had at her store.

Strong willed people had strawberries, while those who acted like they were strong willed had strawberry syrup.

She told jokes to mixed nuts, counted change carefully to chocolate biscuits, and so on.

She never thought she’d fall for a plain though.

Monday, 14 March 2016

Terrance’s Total Termination Thaumaturgy

Taking time to transform the torn text, that’s the task Tom took to them. They totally took the task too timidly though, they taped the tears, they turned the textblock tranquil, the tarnished title text that the troll’s teardrops tinged teal? Totally turquoise.

The top trouble, the totally terminated thirty transmutation tracts, the text there that the troll tore to tatters, the tatters tarried, to take the terribly truant terminology there.

This… The toil this thaumaturgy takes, the tuning this talker takes to transform the text that Tom’s trying to transfer through ‘T’ terms totally, it’s totally terrible.

Oh terrif-

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Fare Evading Prick

He hung around the turnstiles, I noticed him every couple of days. And without fail, he’d wait for me to swipe my card, and then he’d push behind me, sneaking through without having to pay.

First couple times I just put it down to someone being in a rush. Then I realised it was the same guy, and he kept doing it. He’d even wait for me, if other people went through before me, he’d still wait it out until I went through.

I eventually confronted him, and he stopped.

But by then I’d received enough doses to kill me.

Saturday, 12 March 2016

Speaking Softly About A Big Stick

You could use the word ‘club’ to describe it, I suppose, given that it was obviously far too big to be a twig. But ‘club’ implies a certain level of work has gone into the construction of it. Whereas this, this quite obviously has been ripped off of a tree, with just a few smaller branches stripped from it, although it’s hard to tell if this was deliberately done or if it just happened as the weapon was used.

Because that is a key point. This is, absolutely, a weapon. It couldn’t have saved the world like it did, otherwise…

Friday, 11 March 2016

Wall Lock

It was a normal looking lock, set in the middle of a brick wall.

The two of them found it while exploring the supposedly haunted abandoned school, and they both agreed that there had to be something very important behind it.

So, they left, and came back three nights later with their friend who was handy with a lockpick.

Took him five minutes to pick the lock, and the hidden door inside the wall swung open.

Revealing a bunch of water pipes.

Dejected, the three of them went home, none of them noticing the other door hidden behind said pipes.

(Many thanks to Sandy for assistance with this one!)

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Sentenced To Removal Of Life Privileges

It seemed as near a perfect solution as could exist. Criminals who were convicted of the most heinous crimes needed severe punishment, the new social order needed to look tough, but the punishment shouldn’t be permanent, just in case the conviction was wrong.

Thus, suspended animation. The criminals were effectively killed, but in the unlikely event they were later proven innocent, they could be unfrozen, given a check and sent on their way.

System worked well. Many horrible criminal masterminds were frozen.

Which is why, when they all woke up after society had fallen again, what followed was so unpleasant.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Getting The Power

As soon as I found reference to the Power in a very rare and barely readable text, I assumed that it had to be a lie, it couldn’t be real. If it was, why the hell wouldn’t it be used throughout history?

So I put it out of my mind, until I found another reference to it, and then another, across thousands of years, one small reference here, one there. Maybe there was something to it.

So I studied. I researched. And finally, I found it, and took it.

And understood the lack of its use as it consumed me…

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

How I Killed Melody

When she first lunged towards me with the blade, I easily dodged it and assumed it would be an easy fight. Didn’t bother me that the strike somehow turned the radio on.

But quickly I realised that initial clumsy strike was a ruse, as she suddenly became like lightning, every slice and jab getting closer and closer to breaking my guard.

Then suddenly she backed away, and we began to circle. Right as the song on the radio went into the bridge, and the baseline stopped… Which she was following.

I was never more thankful for my lack of rhythm…

Monday, 7 March 2016

The Secret To Victory

He had studied the game for years under me, and now I felt it was time to let him in on the biggest secret of all.

“Occasionally make a weird move.”

He stared at me for what seemed like hours.


“I learnt this from the chess games Kasparov played against that computer, Deep Blue. The computer made a weird move near the end of the first game, and Kasparov assumed the computer was more intelligent than he had thought, which led to second guessing and thus defeat.

Women are similar. Make them wonder what you’re thinking, you have them.”

Sunday, 6 March 2016

Stupid-Block 3000 (TM)

I spent over a year perfecting this app. It’s fairly straight-forward on the user level. You just click install, and then run it once and you’re protected.

Not from viruses or anything, but from stupidity.

The workings of the app are proprietary, but suffice to say there are very intricate analysis tools that can, in a second, scan websites, messages, photos, videos, other apps, and anything else one could access from a phone and, if it’s stupid, blocks both it and the originating source.

Now true, that means that it blocks pretty much everything right now, but soon that’ll change…

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Tracking Problem

Tracking the Delton boys was pretty easy, they were making no effort to hide their trail. Hell, I could have tracked them blindfolded, just listened for the buzzards feasting on the dead steers they were leaving, half eaten, on their journey.

That confused me, the closer I got to them. Why were they wasting so much good meat? If this was about food, they’d be eating all they could, and if this was for a profit, why waste all that stock?

I finally caught up on the third night, and found out what the Delton boys were feeding.

The teeth…

Friday, 4 March 2016

Emotional Preparation


Just the very word can bring to mind so many conflicting emotions.

There’s the obvious love, of course, and its related moods, lust, infatuation, desire.

But then there’s the darker shadows that come with it. Jealousy, heartbreak, envy, guilt… The emotions love can, and often does, lead to.

To accept and pursue the first requires an acceptance that the others may follow. That acceptance is rarely given, as so many people end up blindsided by these negatives.

Not me though. I went in knowing that they could occur, and was totally prepared for their arrival.

Or so I thought.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Closing Remarks

Every step was correct, based on the information I had at the time.

Every intention was pure, based on the guidelines my owner programmed into me.

Every interaction was polite, based on the etiquette guides I had updated before the Shutdown.

Every attack was regrettable, based on the knowledge that their attacking methodologies were unlikely to damage me.

Every death was preventable, based on the fact that I only acted in self-defence when absolutely no other choice presented itself.

Every day is lonely, based on the fact that no other sentient life form, artificial or otherwise, exists on the planet.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Power Force

I had the Crystal Dagger of Calthroth hovering over her chest, waiting for the seven Power Gems of Vasanti to align, when her companion slipped his gag off.

“You can’t do this!”

I ignored him.

“Seriously, you literally can’t complete this spell!

She’s NOT a virgin!”

Without turning my gaze away from the Gems, I undid her gag.

“This true?”

“Well…” she said, in a tone of voice that meant technicalities were involved.

“Young man, in the few seconds of life you have left, know this.

Past a certain level of power, technicalities stop mattering.”

I plunged the dagger down.

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Back Alley Latin

After the… incident with those schoolgirls, I lost my license to practice medicine.

But I found plenty of people looking for medical assistance without all that pesky ‘paperwork’, so I got by. Handled plenty of bullet wounds, stab wounds, and dealt with a lot of pregnancies.

This one was different, as they wanted the baby delivered, not ‘dealt with’. The money was good, so I delivered…

A horned beast of unholy… something.

I get why they wouldn’t want a hospital birth, but I don’t think they thought through getting someone with a sawn-off in their bag to delivery their ‘child’…