Hug Life

She was the sweetest, most innocent woman you could ever hope for. He made sure to record every episode of the children’s television show to see her smile, her laugh, her everything.

He was in love, he couldn’t deny that. But he knew that there was bound to be a difference between the sweet woman he saw on the screen and the actress player her. But eventually, he stopped caring, and won a charity auction for dinner.

He was prepared for her to be nothing like on the screen, but hoped she’d be similar.

If anything, TV toned her down...

Taking A Bath

The bathwater sloshed gently at the sides of the tub, almost but never quite reaching the lip.

She felt that, beyond something that she had earned after a day like she had had, she needed this. She needed to feel the warm, soapy water caress her skin, her muscles slowly relaxing as the pressures of the day seeped out of her, the glass of wine her partner had poured for her before leaving.

Her eyes slowly closed as she felt herself drift off into her thoughts and dreams.

She slid down into the water as the drugged wine kicked in.

Shoelace

When I got to the scene, my new partner was already theorizing. Clearly this wasn’t a case of a clumsy idiot tripping over his shoelaces and hitting his head on the curb, not at all. Because he was facing to the left, and the untied shoelace was on the right, clearly this was an elaborate set up designed to look like a stupid accident.

But, given that a recently installed surveillance camera nearby was actually working, despite the sign saying it would be installed by Friday, we could examine the tape.

He never shut up about how he was right…

Family Dinner

It was time for dessert, as made by the eldest daughter.

Everyone dug in, and murmurs of approval quickly followed. Grandma, on the other hand, ate slowly and carefully, then once she was done, turned to look to her granddaughter.

“Very good my dear, you must tell me, such unique flavors in the crust, which seasonings did you use?”

“Now Grandma, you’ve never told anyone your cooking secrets, why should I?”

Grandma glanced at the spice rack, and saw the three jars that had been moved then smiled.

Daughter smiled back, since her jars of spice were in her purse.

Doctoring Emotional Truth

Without communication, humanity doesn’t exist, certainly not in any form we recognize.

And the key to communication is truth. Not actual truth, but the more important emotional truth. Facts are fine, but to truly communicate with someone, you have to understand how they view the world.

Sometimes that’s easy, if it’s just a matter of liking or disliking a movie.

Sometimes it can be difficult, if the topic is about abortion or vaccines or such.

And then you sometimes have to spend years to get someone to understand that maybe blowing up a hospital was a bad thing to do…

Fishing For Compliments

Three lures bobbed slowly in the water surrounding the dock.

“So you know that blonde I was telling you about?”

“Yeah?”

“The waitress? Sure.”

“So after what, two months of going to that café every day, I finally managed to get her to come out with me for a cup of coffee.”

“Awesome!”

“Hey, that’s great!”

“Except when she came out from getting changed, I told her that she actually looked nice without the apron on and she got all pissy!”

“Well that sucks. Bitches be crazy, right?”

“Hey!”

“Oh, sorry Lois.”

“It’s ok.

But dude, let’s talk about phrasing…”

Cancer's Sting

They met in chemotherapy.

She was lung, he was brain.

Maybe it was because they only had a year left each, or maybe it was how they were both dumped, or maybe it was just true love.

But she was still rich, so when it got serious, she paid for both of them to go into cryogenic sleep, until a cure was found.

Lung cancer got a cure mass produced in 2055. Brain cancer was finally beaten in 2061.

When he woke up alive and well, and saw her, his heart jumped.

Then fell when she introduced her new husband.

A God, Not The God

I stared at the genie, confused.

“I thought it was three?”

She shook her head.

“Common misconception. You only get one.”

I sighed.

“OK then… You know the movie ‘Groundhog Day’?”

She tilted her head, and little Wi-Fi symbols appeared in her eyes.

“I do now.”

“Well I wish for that, a looped day until I get it absolutely perfect.”

She shrugged and snapped both fingers.

“Done!”

Suddenly I found myself in a small room, with just a TV in the corner.

“Once you can recite the movie word for word, you may leave.”

The opening credits played on screen.

Losing Them Twice

He walked out on his wife and child the day mankind first walked on the moon.

Considering the circumstances and the time, the two women had a decent enough life. The community rallied around them, they didn’t live like Queens but they survived.

When the daughter turned 21, he sent a letter, asking if she wanted to meet.

The reply came back ‘return to sender’, and she assumed it had been a sick joke.

She didn’t bother to investigate, and thus never found out he had been evicted.

At least, not until she received his diaries once he’d passed away.

Wall Lock

It was a normal looking lock, set in the middle of a brick wall.

The two of them found it while exploring the supposedly haunted abandoned school, and they both agreed that there had to be something very important behind it.

So, they left, and came back three nights later with their friend who was handy with a lockpick.

Took him five minutes to pick the lock, and the hidden door inside the wall swung open.

Revealing a bunch of water pipes.

Dejected, the three of them went home, none of them noticing the other door hidden behind said pipes.

(Many thanks to Sandy for assistance with this one!)

Sentenced To Removal Of Life Privileges

It seemed as near a perfect solution as could exist. Criminals who were convicted of the most heinous crimes needed severe punishment, the new social order needed to look tough, but the punishment shouldn’t be permanent, just in case the conviction was wrong.

Thus, suspended animation. The criminals were effectively killed, but in the unlikely event they were later proven innocent, they could be unfrozen, given a check and sent on their way.

System worked well. Many horrible criminal masterminds were frozen.

Which is why, when they all woke up after society had fallen again, what followed was so unpleasant.

Aesop 2.0: 21. The Prince And The Barmaid

The Prince, as Princes often do in these tales, would disguise himself as a commoner and go among his people. And, as often happens, he fell in love, with a beautiful, if unrefined, young lady who worked in an inn. For months the two were madly in love, until The Prince could lie to her no more, and revealed who he was to her. In shock, she laughed and made a joke about wanting him to leave for lying to her. Heartbroken, he left before she could stop him. He never came back.

“Be careful what you say in jest.”

Aesop 2.0: 20. The Giant By The River

The Giant lived on the other side of a wide river from the Dryads, who would spend their days laughing at the Giant’s size, at how he was so tall and gangly. The Giant wished he was shorter, hating the way the Dryads would laugh at him. One day a Fairy came by, and the Giant asked if she could make him shorter. The Fairy was confused, as she told him she was there to ask him to make her taller. The two became friends, and ignored the Dryads completely.

“Whatever you hate about yourself, someone else wishes they had.”

Two Women In A House

Two women lived happily inside their house,

Until they discovered that there was a mouse.

After they screamed, shouted and cursed,

They argued as to what they had to do first.

The older said “Quick, gather all of our food,

We must protect it until the rodent’s subdued!”

The younger said “No, you silly old dill,

Why bother with that? Just go for the kill!”

The discussion started slow, in low, subtle notes,

But soon they were screaming, at each other’s throats.

The two came to blows, and both ran away,

Without ever hearing what the mouse had to say.

Advanced Warning

“Clone 73” awoke from his cryosleep 1742 hours ahead of planned arrival due to a power surge in the secondary databanks.

Being that Clone 73 was a clone of DNA recovered from a Neanderthal body discovered in a classified mountain range, this awakening did not go too smoothly, but the robots were able to put him into a chemically induced coma as he stood staring at a view panel.

Our monitoring shows Clone 73 is the Leader of the resulting tribe, and should be interviewed extensively when the Human colonists arrive on the planet’s surface for information gathering before termination.

Joy Blobs

Every planet had a different name for them, but most of them focused on their blob like nature, and the pure joy they shared.

They were from another plane of existence, it was theorised, and they would float through when reality tore, it was hypothesized. But most beings didn’t care about the science, they just hoped they would be lucky enough to get pulled into a blob and experience what seemed like years of ecstasy inside one of the blobs.

It was safe, it was joyous, and it was one of the universe’s greatest aspects.

And then Humanity was ‘attacked’…

Dr. Banevil’s The Virus

Dr. Banevil had spent years working on The Virus. While it was modelled on the how people perceived zombies to work, it lacked the cravings for flesh, instead it just tried to get itself spread. The point was to slaughter the world’s population, after all.

However, given Dr. Banevil was wanted by every human rights court on the planet, she couldn’t exactly set the bombs herself. So, she her slavish assistant George to set the charges in the CBD, to coincide with the Christmas sales.

She should have checked he understood that didn’t mean sales taking place ON Christmas Day…

Successor Function

“Care to be my successor function at a wedding?”

She stared at the text message for a few minutes, before eventually replying.

“U want me to cater ur function? Because Im not a professional cook.”

The reply was almost immediate.

“No no, my successor function, you know, my S(n).”

She tried a quick web search, and got angry.

“Side note? Im not noones bit on the side, u bastard.”

He tried to call, but she didn’t answer, forcing him to text back.

“A successor function is a +1.”

“What does that mean?” she replied.

He never replied to that one. 

(Many thanks to Sandy for assistance with this one!)

The Worst Customers

A group of six people walked into the store.

The little old lady who never shuts up.

The angry loudmouth who insists that every price is wrong.

The slimy ‘ladies man’ who tells me I have nice tits and then expects get a discount.

The annoying prick who has to price compare everything on his phone.

And the indecisive moron who takes an hour to make a choice but who also gets uppity if you try and help him.

I had hoped the sixth would be good, but considering he was the robber, I guess he was worst of all.

Falling Into Your Lap

The notion of meeting via chance, of the perfect girl falling into his lap always seemed so unlikely to Mark. It only happened in the movies, not in real life.

Susan’s heel breaking and thus her literally falling into his lap as he was reading in the park, such a meeting would thus never have been given any real odds of occurring, had Mark ever chose to calculate them.

But Susan and Mark, while they would never use the term ‘soulmates’, were absolutely perfect for each other, and such a meeting was perfect for them too.

Shame it didn’t happen.