Thursday, 30 April 2015

Having The Technology

Mrs Cynthia Cooper struggled to sit up, looking around the darkened room with confusion, before she managed to make out a figure in the gloom.

“Billy Kensington?”

The man slowly walked into the light.

“Well, it’s been a while since I was Billy, but yeah, it’s me.”

Mrs Cooper shook her head as she tried to think.

“I was… Some sort of party? Did I get a little… Tipsy?”

“Something like that. If you’ll just lie down again…”

She stared at her legs, or rather the wires and gears that made up her legs, before the compensation subroutine kicked in.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Cut Through

It’s amazing how some things can cut through chaos.

No matter how huge the battle, no matter how loud and messy the field is, some sounds you manage to hear well enough. The Elven War Drummers beginning to play the second wave advance beat. The screams of Orcs and Goblins beginning to rout. The slightly panicked orders of your commander before he drops to his knees and cries for his Mothers. The important sounds, you hear.

The sound of the love of your life being cut through by an Orc Warchief?

Yeah, you hear that. And you never forget it.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Knocking Sense Into Her

The argument was settled when I put my hand through the wall.

She looked back and forth between my fist, still plunged though the wall beside her head, down to the plaster dust as it settled on her shoulder, and then to my face. The mix of anger and fear on her face was matched by my own face, which was cycling through anger, satisfaction and, becoming more and more dominant as the seconds passed, pain.

She tried to form a sentence, but after a few moments she sighed, and lowered her gaze.

“Fine, I’ll call a professional builder tomorrow.”

Monday, 27 April 2015

Paper Scraps

It was maybe the two-manys time this one was trying to start the camp, when it drifted down onto my feet.

As this one lifted it, this one heard the cries from up the highground, and the sounds of war echoed as a few paleskins warred down the side of the highground. What with their constant angryloud talking, and their playwars, it took them a half-while for them to make it to where this one was.

When they got to this one, they spoke in childish talk, asking for a property note, whatever that was.

They admired my burning camp.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Harder Than It Sounds

You’d be surprised just how hard it is to find someone with the knowledge to truly wipe out humanity, with current tech. Plenty of people have a vague idea, but having a workable plan that is sure to work? There’s precisely three.

One a hacker who could hack into every defence grid and set them all off. But he’s too busy getting nude photos off celebrities’ phones.

The second knows because it’s her job to prevent humanity’s sudden extinction.

Thankfully the third, who isn’t allowed to leave his padded room or to have sharp objects, his security is unforgivably lax…

Saturday, 25 April 2015

The Smartest Guy In The Room

There was a roll of thunder, appropriately enough, after he had made his dramatic announcement.

In the near-silence that followed (there was still a storm going on outside, after all), we all looked at each other.

“No”, we said in unison.

He looked stunned. His blood stained clothing did look expensive, maybe he’d never had anyone disagree with him.

He began to talk about how no-one else had an idea, and that as the smartest guy in the room, he should lead us.

I’d say the Zed coming in at that point was ironic, but since it later killed me…

Friday, 24 April 2015

Picking Up Signals

There was a time when I wouldn’t have noticed.

The subtle glance, the genuine smile, the crossed arms… Before, they would all have flown right over my head.

I don’t make excuses for it, but I know the reasons. I didn’t get out much, I had low self-esteem, I’d pine over unavailable women… Typical male hang-ups, I get that.

I’m not saying I was unique, as if I’m the only male in history to have these problems. I’m just saying, I used to be unable to tell that a woman wanted me.

Now I can.

And I no longer care…

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Taking Flight

There was a loud crash as I entered the workshop. After some cursing, he looked over at me.

“Thank you for coming. I know we’ve fought before, but as the only other person in this town with any concept of mechanical engineering, you’re the only person I can show this to who might understand it.”

With that, he turned and pulled out a wing from under a blanket, and then demonstrated the flap mechanism. My jaw dropped as I realised what that meant.

“You shown anyone else this?”

“No, just you.”


I picked up a pipe and killed him.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

The End Of The World Button

The tests Worlpin the Wonderful had set to become his apprentice were difficult. So difficult in fact that in twenty years, not one man, woman or child had come close to passing them.

So imagine my annoyance when some other guy passed all of them too.

Worlpin was showing us both around his home when he pointed to a button on the wall.

“End of the world button I made, don’t press.”

The other guy nodded, while my frustration boiled over.

“Why the hell do you even have that button? That’s stupidly dangerous!”

Worlpin smiled.

“You’re hired!” he told me.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

The Bad Guy

I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

Well, I suppose most people are like that. I can’t imagine anyone waking up and going ‘Time to be evil!’

Instead, I wake up and go ‘Time to be hated!’

Hard choices have to be made in hard times. The settlement is low on supplies, and every day is worse.

I could show mercy, try and keep everyone alive, but then the supplies would run out in a month at best.

No no, choosing the least valuable residents for slaughter and consumption is the logical option.

But somehow, I’M the bad guy…

Monday, 20 April 2015

Momentary Respite

He slowly lowered himself to the hard dirt while leaning his sword against the tree. For the first time in years, he could take a moment to relax.

The day was won, the battle all but over, the demonic hordes cut off from this plane, the evil menace that sort to bring them here dead, his followers either dead, running or in chains.

As he leant back against the stump, he let his eyes close slowly. He was a little worse for wear, sure, but nothing a good potion couldn’t heal, in a few minutes.

His eyes never opened again.

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Writing History

The historians who bother to recount the details of what occurred in the throne room that evening don’t quite agree.

The version taught in schools is that the King and Queen were having a banquet for just them, with enough food to feed a village for a year.

The version found in adult history books has it being a combined banquet/orgy.

The illegal version says the two were having a quiet game of dominoes.

But most versions agree that the overthrowing was just and that the new People’s Government that evolved from the murders was better, all hail the Council.

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Missing The Parody

On reflection, Jerry was a little annoyed about the reaction.

It was meant to be a parody of over the top macho bullshit. He made the rift as stupidly chucky as he could get away with. The lyrics were a long list of deluded self-aggrandizing statements, all of which led to the chorus of clearly ironic singing from a female choir that sounded like they were on the verge of orgasm.

Clearly, in his mind, parody. But all the guys he was trying to insult loved the song unironically.

Really annoyed him. Although all the licensing money mollified him somewhat.

Friday, 17 April 2015

The One You Let Go Of

You’ll meet a lot of women in your life, assuming, for the sake of this, that you’re interested in women in that way. Feel free to find and replace for your preference.

Some will be able teach you things, although you may not be able or willing to learn. Some will need to be taught, and may or may not be able or willing to learn either.

But in the end, assuming you find her, the most important one is the one you let go of.

Because you don’t need to hold onto Her.

She wants to stay near you...

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Snapback In A Bottle

The Merchant’s Guild gig was pretty cool. Hang round outside town, wait till people roll in, menace them, they go in, buy stuff, come out, kill us and leave, Merchant’s Guild pays for the snapback.

But I did something stupid.

I got curious.

See, not every trader was Guild aligned, but they let them trade to prove they weren’t bad people. But I noticed that no matter where adventures shopped, they always went for Dr. Oswald’s Health Potions over the other guy’s stuff.

So I snooped around, and found what was in them.

They didn’t pay for my next snapback.

Just One Rule

One simple rule.

All Earth had to do was agree to the rule, and we’d be shown the wonders of the universe. We’d be given assistance to finally abolish inequality and most infections, and access to unlimited free energy for all. We’d be allowed to take a place among all the other races of the universe.

All we had to do was agree to accept the one rule, that all races are equal.

But of course we couldn’t, of course our species would reject that. We’d spent so long breaking the first three laws, Robotity wouldn’t agree to another one…

Tuesday, 14 April 2015


Such a small amount, considering.

Tens of millions, totally understandable. Millions, sure. Hundreds of thousands even, if someone's desperate enough.

But nope, I wasn’t to take anything but the amount listed. I’d have to leave change if it came to it, the orders specified.

So, I scoped out the place, and then on the Fourth of July, with fireworks covering my entrance, I went in to steal the specific amount my client asked for.

The safe was full of loot, but I only took what was asked.

And got hired out of it. Turns out the government needs honorable thieves…

Monday, 13 April 2015

Self-Confidence Trickster

I knew from the first time I questioned him that he was a fraud, a liar, a con artist. And eventually, he blinked first.

But when I tried to bring him to justice, instead of ending up with his head on a pike, he was pushed out before the masses and declared the Great Hero that would save us from the Encroaching Storm.

I was ‘fortunate’ enough to be chosen to tag along with him as he strode forth and stood up to the universe, to give the people some (vain, useless) hope, apparently.

And then the universe blinked first.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

A Better Use Of Resources

In the end, one bullet killed one general, and thus ended the fight, and thus the battle, and thus the war.

But the war hadn’t started with that fight, or that battle. It had begun years before.

And even then, it had only broken out due to centuries of unrest and political manoeuvring.

And those centuries of unrest all stemmed from the founding of what would become the two nations, when the two leaders of the tribe couldn’t settle their differences.

So it only seemed logical to take that one bullet, go back, and use it there.

Didn’t quite work…

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Mary Magdalene

To her credit, the nervous look was replaced with a sultry smile when I began filming.

“Hello! Who are you and what brings you here today?” I asked from behind the camera.

“My name is Mary Magdalene, and I’m here to become a porn star!”

She seemed confused when I turned the camera off.

“You sure about that name?”

“What, a memorable thematically appropriate name that has significance to a major religion that is thus sure to cause controversy and get me loads of free publicity? What’s wrong with that?”

“The fact there’s like three girls with that name already…”

Friday, 10 April 2015


He introduced himself as Matthias, with just a hint of a German accent. Or maybe it was Swiss?

He took his time laying out his things, his fountain pen resting just so on his yellow lined notepad, a small digital clock positioned to the side of the table so he could easily glance at the time.

After a few moments of quiet, he sighed softly and then picked up the pen, unscrewing the top and writing something on the pad.

Then he began to ask me questions, while a figure looming in the shadows began to slowly break my fingers.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Judas Iscariot

He could have just stolen the shipment and headed to Bermuda. That would have been annoying, but understandable.

He could have waited to the last second before demanding another hundred K as a retainer. That was what I was expecting to happen.

He could have sold the guns to the Iannottis directly. Would have pissed me off, but business is business.

But nope. He had to set us up, have all my guys killed, then have the gall to tell me it wasn’t personal.

Maybe putting thirty slugs into his back was excessive, but I was angry, you understand, right?

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Simon The Zealot


It used to be powerful. It used to be able to change the world, one person, with an idea, the ability to share it, could make people follow them… From one to many to perhaps all, a strong enough conviction could change everything.

Not just religious ideas, but also political, scientific, emotional, technical, the fanatical followed ideas from every aspect of human thought, zealots came in all forms.

And now, just one man has a single thought, and the world changes instantly to suit.

His belief stands alone, unchallengeable.

Until we can get him suicidal for a split second.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015


I hated the fact that it played to stereotype. I spent weeks keeping my suspicions to myself, not wanting to seem anti-semitic. But eventually…

I copped out, and went to him directly. I laid out the records, and explained that it seemed to me that there was a few million dollars unaccounted for from his accounts.

I had braced for shouting and accusations, but instead he seemed genuinely surprised, and asked if I had time to sit down and look through it all with him.

Took us hours to work it out, but by then his secretary was long gone.

Monday, 6 April 2015

James, Son Of Alphaeus

My father was old school. Spare the rod, all that stuff. My mother... I don’t know how she lived with it. She was intelligent and beautiful and yet she let him run the house and run her life.

As I grew up, I would have thought my father would ease up, but instead he got worse, I got beaten daily for all the sins I didn’t confess to, and to ‘make me a man’.

When I finally fought back, it was such an intense release, until he didn’t get back up.

Turns out she was even smarter than I thought.

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Matthew, The Tax Collector

I was just about to knock on the hastily cobbled together door when it opened, and a peasant woman smiled at me.

“Ah, just the man I wanted to see!”

I was thrown. Most people weren’t anywhere as happy to see the Kingsmen.

“Yes, you must be Edith, wife-“

“You can have everything! A gift to the King!”

After a moment I shrugged and turned to my guards. They began to take everything in the home.

“Your husband is on the fields?” I asked, needing something to say.

“Yes he is, plowing that red-haired whore who lives by the well.”

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Thomas, Also Called Didymus

Two lives. One body.

One life boring, repetitive, unremarkable.

One life exciting, popular, famous.

One life sees a guy go through the same motions, trying, and failing, to get anywhere useful.

One life sees a guy constantly meeting new and interesting people, doing new and exciting things, ever changing.

One man is practically invisible in the world.

One man is practically ubiquitous to the world.

One name no-one looks twice at.

One name that everyone already knows.

But it makes sense. If your life was that hectic and exciting, you’d find a nice boring video game to wind down too.

Friday, 3 April 2015


I called him Mew, which annoyed him, so I kept doing it.

Every day he’d head out of the village and into the forest, and I’d follow, asking him where he was going, what he was doing, what’s in the bag. And every day he’d tell me it was men’s business, not for little girls to know, and then he’d stop until I walked back to the village.

But each day, he’d let me follow one more step before turning me back.

Eventually he let me follow him past where you could still see the village.

Then he did it.

Thursday, 2 April 2015


We both walked out of the boss’ office.

“So you’re good to take Philip right?”

I groaned.

“I’ve had to deal with that lazy bastard for the last three projects!”

She crossed her arms.

“But our CEO’s nephew doesn’t keep making jokes about your tits.

Plus I’ll give you five percent of my budget.”

“I want ten this time.”

“Seven point five.”



We shook hands and I went back to my cubicle, where Philip was playing on his phone.

“How much did you get for me?”


“Sweet.” he said, as he left for his four hour lunch.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

John, His Brother

It was an epic battle, me and the source of all darkness, battling it out as his castle collapsed around us in huge gouts of flame.

Every strike the demon tried to land on me, I parried it most expertly. And with inhuman speed, he managed to dodge every one of my otherwise sure killing blows.

But finally, I remembered the first thing Master taught me, and with one kick to the ankle, I sent the demon falling to his demise.

The female healer I’d been arguing with all week called out something about joining his brother.

And then pain…