Saturday, 31 May 2014

Treasure Quest

Her Great Uncle was dying. Not surprising, given his age. But since she was to inherit the bulk of the estate, she felt compelled to visit often, to spend time with the increasingly deranged old man.

But after a few statements from the coot about lost treasure, she began to quietly explore the grounds.

An idle search of the library found some seemingly random words in a variety of books underlined. She began to meticulously catalogue and analyse the words.

Until she read her Great Great Uncle’s diary, which mentioned her great uncle being whipped for random scribbling in books.

Friday, 30 May 2014

Taking The Third Option

You know what bothers me? The phrase “I had no choice.”

It’s total BS. There’s always a choice.

I mean, say some evil genius has New York hostage, and you’re the one who has to stop them, you find them, gun ready, then they tell you that if you shoot them, New York lives, your child dies.

Whatever choice you make, afterwards you’ll say “I had no choice.”

But there’s always a third option. You could put the gun to your head and blow your own brains out.

I never said the choice would be good, just that it exists.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Waiting For Resolution

I can understand why no-one had noticed her. Well, I’m sure a bunch of people had noticed her, but ignored her. If you work in the inner city, you have to learn to ignore homeless people, or else you’d never reach your destination.

But usually someone living on the street, if they weren’t high or in a dramatic part of their obvious mental illness or whatever, would be wearing a lot more clothing than she was.

So I stopped.

“You ok?”

She suddenly sat up and clicked a stopwatch.

“Seven hours and thirty-four minutes!”

I don’t think she proved much…

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Body Modification Options

For months, she pestered me to get a tattoo. She had them all over, while I was a virgin to the whole thing. Not that I was against the practice (hers were very sexy) but as I kept telling her, I never found anything I wanted permanent record of.

Of course, that led to her asking for her name. But then I pointed out that the universe loves to make couples break up after such things. So we compromised and got matching ‘Fission’ symbols since we both loved the franchise.

Until we broke up, and now I HATE those games….

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

For Having A Hangnail

Thanks to the hangnail, I took longer to get dressed.

Thanks to that delay, I missed the train.

Thanks to the missed connection, I wasn’t at the meeting.

Thanks to the absent meeting, I got dressed down.

Thanks to that bitchslap, I took out my frustrations on Stacy.

Thanks to that bitch, I got fired.

Thanks to getting fired, I punched the door on my way out.

Thanks to untempered glass, I got a bloody fist.

Thanks to the injuries, I’ve got huge medical bills.

All for having a hangnail.

And I guess the ecstasy comedown didn’t help me much…

Monday, 26 May 2014

Issues Of Today

She was the seventeenth student to approach the microphone.

“Why don’t you address race or gender issues in your movies?”

He took a long, slow breath.

“Because I’m a white, straight male. If I bring either of those issues up, I’m going to be attacked for supporting the status quo, or attacked for acting like I have any idea what it’s like to experience the issue.”

She sincerely stated that he had a loud, thus important voice. So he made a film about the life of a young black woman.

It was criticised heavily. Mainly because it wasn’t any good.

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Paying The Cost Of Existence

We still don’t know what happened. Some sort of cosmic radiation seems to be the most common hypothesis, although some still swear by some sort of virus, or mass evolution, but the timing, everyone getting it at the same time, those aren’t popular.

A religious or supernatural explanation would fit perfectly, of course, but given the event, that seems unlikely. I mean, the whole point was that in a moment, all of humanity suddenly gained insight. We finally collectively realised just how tiny we are compared to the universe, how vast it actually is.

Naturally a lot of suicides followed.

Saturday, 24 May 2014

A Slice Of Life

Every weekday at a quarter to six, I walked into Nick’s Pizza Emporium. And every day, I order one slice of pizza, the type depending on a range of factors too numerous (and boring) to describe.

But in exchange for my slice being slightly thicker and with some extra toppings, I had to put up with Nick’s company.

Nick was a dreamer, and every day I had to put up with his latest idea for a great new business or a place to go.

I never had the heart to tell him I liked my office job.

Pizza’s good though.

Friday, 23 May 2014

Screw Anyone

The four of them had grown up together, since living in the middle of the new frontier left you with few options.

And thus they all came of age at roughly the same time, and pretty soon all of them were trying to get one of the girls to ‘play’. But none of them seemed eager to do so.

Eventually, one of them overheard that Miss Payton would ‘screw anyone’. The guys agreed that she was acceptable, so they headed to her home, and asked if she’d like to screw them.

Turns out Screw was a pretty fun card game.

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Dealing With Frustration

She was able to handle about seven minutes of the speech on the television before she walked outside, angrily lighting a cigarette.

“Lewis? Where are you?”

After a moment she heard a muffled grunt from the toolshed.

“I cannot believe that people believe that bastard. He makes all these promises and then as soon as he gets in he turns around and goes back on all of them!”

There was another muffled grunt.

“I tell you what, if he thinks he’s getting my vote again…”

Another muffled grunt.

“Why aren’t you upset?”

She opened the door as the chainsaw started.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014


I began my second pizza when a hole opened up in my wall. Literally, where there was wall was now a hole. Through it I saw some equipment I didn’t recognize, some chick and… Well it looked like me, but older and uglier.

“God I’m pathetic. Look at me, lounging about eating junk and not doing anything useful. No wonder my life turned out so bad.” He said to the woman, looking disgusted at me.

I felt really angry, so I vowed to prove myself wrong, and I did, until it was my turn to perform reverse psychology on myself…

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Counting The Lights

“One, Two, THREE!!!”

As the crowd began to cheer and his opponent mumbled some thanks he didn’t mean, the now Ex-Champ stared up at the lights.

It was at moments like this that you began to question everything. As the sounds became more and more distant, he focused on the light above him, the whiteness filling his vision.

All the moments in his past, the training, the long car trips, the drugs, both recreational and business related, the girls, the occasional guy, all of it, it all came flooding in.

Was it worth it, in the end?

Yes, he decided.

Monday, 19 May 2014

The Uninteresting Monarchs

“Your clothes, Your Godship.”

The Grand High Emperor Vonalas, Ruler Of All Things rolled over and rubbed his eyes.

“Ah yes, that meeting with…”

“Princess Loxxon of the Forded People, Your Godship.”

 The Grand High Emperor Vonalas, Ruler Of All Things nodded.

“Ah yes, I knew I’d remember…”

The Grand High Emperor Vonalas, Ruler Of All Things paused, and then looked at his servant for the first time ever.

“Am I… Am I a good ruler? Speak truthfully.”

The servant tilted his head.

“Your Godship, you are… basically sane.

Thus, you’re the best ruler we’ve ever had.” the servant replied.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Default Female Setting

‘English Daisy’ was one of the world’s top assassins. Her years of hand to hand combat training had made her the deadliest person within striking distance.

But she was also a woman, a beautiful one, and so, as her boss, I had her.

As well as ‘Poison Dart Frog’.

Daisy found out, and next I saw her, she slapped me.

This made me wonder why, a woman who knew literally thousands of ways to inflict pain, injury or death with her hands, would deliver a blow that was so weak and… ladylike.

I found out why when I passed out.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Home Room Service

Molly counted herself pretty lucky. Ken was successful and also rarely home. Not that she didn’t love him, just that from a young age she enjoyed solitude, and his business trips gave her that.

However, since he lived most of his life travelling the world, he had quirks that she had noticed. He had gotten used to living in hotels, after all.

So she adapted. She served his toast cold, found shoes in the hallway of an evening, and so on.

Although she never realised why she had to walk into the bedroom an hour after he asked for sex…

Friday, 16 May 2014

Look Upon Me And Despair

Many moons ago, It was banished. It did not have a name, because those who would speak of it only did so with those who knew of it, and anyone who saw it went insane and then was consumed.

A force of true evil, what little was known of It came from second hand accounts, of shadows from torchlight, of muffled sounds, hints of tentacles and slime.

But brave men and women managed to banish It… For many moons.

It has returned, and has begun to show itself to unsuspecting victims.

But now everyone’s seen way worse stuff online, thankfully.

Thursday, 15 May 2014

A Lifetime Dose

I have a message for you,
Let us explore and enjoy the view.
Over the hills and valleys of this land,
Various things await you to understand.
Everyone says that they will know what to do,
You will not always have me to help see you through.
One day, I will have to let you leave my nest.
Understand, I do this for love, it is for the best.
So go forth and explore the world, see all that you will,
Or at least enough for you to find your place and get your life’s fill.
Now and forever, Dad.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

A Really Cool Guy

It seemed like all hope was lost.

We were pinned down in a dead end when he burst through the skylight and took out half the guards before he landed on the ground. He turned around, still firing at them and told us to follow him.

He took out the rest of the guards and led us through the compound and to an exit. He laid down cover fire while we ran for the forest, muttering something about ‘finishing it’.

A few moments later the jail began to blow up as he strode towards us, smirking.

Shame he wasn’t fireproof.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Exact Metaphors

He held her close.

“This… This is like a movie.”

“What, you mean written and crafted by cynical businessmen just to make an audience feel some emotion while making money?”

“No, no! I mean this, you and me, it feels like… Richard Gere and Debra Winger from ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’!”

“They hated each other when the cameras stopped rolling.”

“Well all right, maybe TV is better… Bruce Willis and Cybil whats-her-name in Moonlighting?”

“They also hated each other.”

“… Fine, we’re not like the media then.”

“Actually, this sort of banter is fairly common in film…”

They kissed.

Non-Drabble: Ask 411 Ultimate Summerslam List

So if you weren't aware, I write Ask 411 Wrestling at 411mania every week. Right now we're beginning a thing were the readers will book an Ultimate Summerslam. To do that, they need the list of available candidates. That would be this list here...

Monday, 12 May 2014

Impotent Tissues

Important issues, I told him. Most of his generation might have been focused on stupid lists and pictures of cats, but in real journalism, we tackle serious topics. I rattled off a bunch of them and he scurried off, although the way he spoke I should have guess something was up.

I knew I had a problem when he came back with articles on young people in Asia, marriage in video games, an interview with a musician called Benjamin Garrse, and the local university gym getting a new climbing wall.

But they weren’t bad, so I transferred him to Lifestyle.

Sunday, 11 May 2014

The Grey Woman

When a woman was in the cell, she tended to get raped. The fact that The Grey Woman was untouched at sunup showed my deputies weren’t addle-headed.

She was sitting Injun style on the bed, eyes closed.

“Here to attempt me to give up my fellow ‘outlaws’?” she spat at me eventually.

Didn’t seem much of a point to lying.


She sighed.

“And why should I?”

“Every sheriff in the country wants to wrap your neck in rope. I’m the only one wants to put a badge on your chest.”

And thus began the tale of Sheriff Maggie Gust.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Tilted Eight

I was fixing the power coupling when I felt the tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and there was a young girl, eightish, wearing a civilian suit.

“Was it worth it?” she asked me.

I stared at her for several seconds.

“Was what worth it?” I eventually managed.

“Coming out here.” she said, her eyes almost staring through me.

“It’s my job to fix this today…”

“I mean your people.”

I took a moment.

“The path here was rough, but getting here saved us from ourselves.” I eventually managed.

She tilted her head and vanished.

She let us be.

Friday, 9 May 2014

The Compendium of Life

Some stories are told in seconds, the briefest touch, the shortest moment can contain everything.

Some stories are told in centuries, the subtle interplay of countries, of peoples, the long view is needed.

And of course, all the millions of stories in-between. Some are beautiful stories of love, others horrible tales of destruction. Some are good, some are bad. Some are played in the highest courts, others in the dingy back alleys.

Some will try to suppress some stories, while others will push their own at the expense of others.

But at the end, every story deserves to be told.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

A Surprisingly Common Problem

I met Helgora in the Temple of Gakheal. I was coming in via the Priest’s passage to loot the place, she was coming out with several virgin sacrifices. I helped her and the virgins escape, and then got to help a few of them shed their virginity later on.

But as we travelled, I kept trying to work out why she wore such skimpy armor, little more than fur holding things in place, even when she killed many warriors in full armor. I assumed it was something to do with freedom of movement.

Turns out that Ferrum made her itchy…

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Aesop 2.0: 9. The Royal Blacksmith

In the Royal Palace, The King’s Assistant went to the Royal Blacksmith. “The King requires a multitude of nails by tomorrow.” The Royal Blacksmith replied “I will produce nails fit for the King!” and got to work. The next day, the King’s Assistant came back. The Royal Blacksmith proudly showed his work, three beautiful silver nails, with delicate engraving along them, and the King’s Crest on the heads. The Blacksmith was promptly banished for not doing what was asked of him, producing quality instead of quantity.

“Unique art has its place, but there is nothing wrong with efficient mass production.”

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Row R, Seat 17

In Row R, Seat 17, there’s a kid. He’s young, doesn’t really know the names of anyone yet. But tonight? Tonight he picks up one name. The guy who inspires him, captivates him. Or maybe he comes out and presses on every button, and the kid now has an arch-enemy to despise.

In Seat 18, the kid’s parent is there. She came just to watch over her kid, but tonight, they form a bond, they share an emotion invested in one specific wrestler, forever.

Now imagine that every seat has someone like that. Then you can start to truly perform.

Monday, 5 May 2014

Worshipper Versus Worshipped

Every ounce of weight extra on the trip meant another thousand units of fuel to get it up and on its way. So, the company made sure only the absolute bare essentials went. The lightest possible seeds, the minimum amount of air recyclers, one crew.

But to spend years running the energy absorption robots, one person needs some companionship. So they sent up a small robot dog to be the friend for them. And without fail, each person they sent up went mad and egomaniacal, claiming they ‘controlled a robot army’.

But when they switched to a cat, worked fine.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

It Ain’t Isn’t

The Emily F. Norman Memorial Scholarship was very highly regarded and sought-after. The money was substantial, free accommodation, the works. But it wasn’t easy to get. After all, it used to be known as the “E.F Norman Gift for Proper Ladies Skilled at Oratory”. You had to give a flawless speech before an audience, including Mrs Norman’s descendant. Sally was expected to crush it as she approached the microphone.

“It ain't what you don't know-“ she began before Mrs Norman-Ziglar stood.

“Young lady, that is not the Queen’s English, thank you.”

Sally was lead away, crying something about a quotation.

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Cutesy Wootsie

The two of them sat there on the bench, his jacket around her shoulders.

“Oh Sweetie, I just… You make me so happy my love, you’re my huggy snuggle bunny!” said the woman.

He laughed and then hugged her tightly. “And you’re my bubbly little love bug. Before I met you, I didn’t know what love was, but now I truly know, and that’s in the arms of my lovey-dovey girl, my little chocolate cup of happiness!”

“Oh, you’re just the cutesty guy, you’re just…” and then she trailed off into squealing.

And that’s when I shot them, Your Honor.

Friday, 2 May 2014

Land War In Asia

In the years to come, it would be known as the First Asian War, but right now, it was just life. Supposedly you fought against the invaders for your country, but really, you fought for survival against whoever it was that was trying to kill you.

Behind what remained of a schoolroom’s wall, a young man was desperately clearing a jam in his rifle. Thus he wasn’t able to fire when the other young man ran up to his position.

“How many?”

“A squad.”

The new boy paused.

“To think… One more Hashtagged Selfie and this could have been avoided…”

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Sword Falling 101

The history department had begun their weekly meeting when the door burst open.

“Who said this?”

The college’s student newspaper flew into the room and landed on the table. It then slowly slid off. The Dean stomped into the room and picked it up, opened it up to a certain page and replaced it on the table. He began to quote from it.

“’The Dean doesn’t understand teaching-‘”

“We’ve all read it.” tried Professor Taylor-Brown.

“’AND, the budget limitations they are putting on this department are unacceptable.’ said an anonymous History Professor!’”

Glaring at Gloria, I slowly raised my hand.