Different Meanings

Given why she was getting undressed in front of me, I probably should have just shut up and focused on enjoying the task at hand. But I couldn't help but ask.

"Interesting tattoos on your shoulders, a halo and, uh, demon horns?"

"Remind me that we all have good and evil in us."

The way she said that, I should have stopped, but I didn't.

"And the lower back curls?"

"I like the design, is all."

"Fair enough. And the... barcode on your butt?"

"The what? Where?"

She desperately began spinning, then began laughing.

"That's for that reaction in people."

One Degree Off

The Unspeakableness called out to me.

"Hey Unceasing Terror, check this out!"

I materialised next to him, as a portal began to open in the swirling mists.

"What, another bunch of mortals dabbling in what they're not meant to know? So what?"

The Unspeakableness waved a tentacle to shush me, before it plunged a spike mass through the portal and killed most of them before withdrawing.

"They were so sure that they'd worked out the exactly right magical ward, and now..."

We watched as the spirits of the mortals broke over a few years. Yeah, it was pretty darn funny.

You Say Yes

I accept that the Alliance waiting for Humanity to solve enough problems and prove we were ready to join before they contacted us was fair and right.

I accept all the new insights and knowledge we have gained from this.

I accept that there are threats and dangers we never knew about until the Alliance told us of them.

I accept one being can be a threat to all life.

I accept there are a large but finite number of sounds creatable by most creatures.

I refuse to accept the universe might end at the hands of one "Staypuff Marshmellowman".

Hand That Drinks

The booze was kicking in as I got kicked out. So my otherwise erudite argument on the subject of why I should be allowed to remain inside the venue was slurred. Clearly the only reason it failed, I'm sure.

As I finished my appeal with speculation about the parentage of the bouncer and if the two were in fact related, I felt a hand sliding into my pocket.

Such a low act, to try to pickpocket a man at that point! I suddenly thrust my hip towards the wall to break their hand.

Or my hand, as it turned out.

Reading Your Mind

Here's a magic trick for you.

Think of a number between 1 and 10.

Really concentrate on it. Imagine the number in giant letters of stone, dominating the landscape, towering over you, filling your vision, your world. Think of nothing else but that number, and that number alone.

Now I will read your mind. That's the trick.

Your number is...

Seven.

Now nine tenths of you are thinking I'm an idiot, while one tenth of you think I'm a genius.

Well actually now ten tenths of you think I'm a dick, but I had some of you for a moment!

The Hunger

The Hunger had to be contained.

If left unchecked, there was no telling the damage it could cause. What could be destroyed, what could be lost. But likewise, it was easy to overfeed it, which brought with it a whole other set of problems, technically less worse, but in some ways messier.

A balancing act had to be struck, making sure it never rose enough to destroy while never falling into the negative and ruining things.

She’d gotten the balance down to an art, making sure she always had a fresh dip and chips ready if the game went long.

Ugly Dress, Beautiful Truth

I wasn't thinking too clearly, a combination of the red wine and an important email still not written fresh in my mind. So when she asked me what I thought of the birthday girl's dress, I unthinkingly told the truth.

The second the words left my lips, I knew they were a mistake. The second after that, I knew that trying to backpedal or explain myself would only make things worse, so I closed my mouth and awaited yelling, a drink in the face or perhaps a slap from the dressmaker before me.

Several seconds passed.

"I thought so too..."

Farnarkeling Report: 10/4/17

Auckland – The Farnarkeling world was rocked today as the United States defeated Palau to claim their first every victory in an international fixture in the Sport Of the Rivers. Led by team captain Glory Glory-Hallelujah, the first lesbian Muslim vegan albino to arkle for her country on a professional level, the US team found themselves being 17-1 down after just three minutes into the first worble, a position familiar to long time fans of the Stars & Flukems.

But after a fiery speech by Coach Dave Sorenson Jr, son of the legendary Australian Farnarkeling champion of the same name minus the addition, the US team managed to find the inner spirit to fight back, at times running rings around the plucky Palau team, keeping them confined to their wiffenwacker for most of the third worble, allowing Glory-Hallelujah to make a trio-sixth in near record time.

Tragedy struck near the end of the game, however, as Glory-Hallelujah attempted to arkle from well behind the American transom-housing while attacking in defense, and managed to vault herself clear across the phlange via a possibly unrepeatable meeting of her flukem, the gonad, and an opposing player’s mouth brace. She crashed into Coach Sorenson Jr who was in the process of opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate the team’s victory, causing Sorenson Jr to take a large percentage of the bottle internally, while leaving Glory-Hallelujah with a corked thigh. It will be tragic indeed if either essential cog in the Red, White, & Green Machine will be unable to rejoin the team.

Now having advanced to the second round of the Mixed Others tournament, the US team will now face either Guam or Chad, weather permitting.

Our previous Farnarkeling correspondent is sadly unable to join us due to personal reasons.

Vale Mr. John Clarke

Lifetiming

"What's your job?"

"Comedy."

"What's the hardest-"

"Timing."

Old joke I know, but it's the story of my life. I always seemed to be just a few beats off. When I should have been just an innocent child, I was pretty much forced to grow up and look after my mother.

My teenage years were mostly spent working, while the time I was supposed to be building a career were just a hedonistic haze.

And now I finally find love. At sixty. While she's a dozen years older than me.

Still, you have to laugh. I could have missed entirely.

A Remarkable Vintage

The three of them sat around the table, the large bottle of wine passing between them. As they drank and talked and laughed, one of them noticed a small mark drawn on the label.

“What’s this for?”

“Oh, I put it there after I had a glass earlier, wanted to make sure my flatmate didn’t steal some of this excellent wine.”

“Should I be getting a pen to do it again then, if we’re finished with it?”

“Well it is remarkable.”

The other two were too drunk to notice the pun, thankfully. Might have smashed the bottle over his head.

Taking Them Off

She looked shocked for a moment, then a smile grew across her lips. She took her time raising a hand up to the frame of her glasses, her red fingernails sliding along the thin black metal. She fluttered her eyelids behind the clear plastic of the lenses, and then slowly she slid them off, flicking her head from side to side, her black hair cascading down around her face, a vision of beauty unleashed, her look playful, yet also determined desire.

I debated what to say next, but honesty won out.

“I meant the drinking glasses here on the table…”

True Artist’s Fear

“Do you know what artists fear more than anything?”

“Chainsaw wielding maniacs?”

“… What?”

“You know, big scary guys with chainsaws, running around going ‘AHHHHH’ and shit.”

“No no, I understand the concept, I just… Why would artists fear them?”

“Well, doesn’t everyone?”

“I… You… Yes, alright, fine, technically, but what do artists specifically fear most, is what I’m getting at.”

“Oh, uh, their art coming to life and turning on their creators?”

“That has literally never happened.”

“Exactly, well overdue for it to happen!”

“No it’s…

No, look, artists fear, more than anything-“

“Bears?”

“…

Yes, bears. Well done.”

Black Bird Singing

A happy black bird started singing at my door.
Rather early in the morning, maybe half past four.
The song itself was fine, a pleasant little tune.
But it wore out its welcome all too soon.
So I rose from my bed, threw on a dirty shirt,
And went to speak to the bird sitting on my front dirt.
I told the black bird that I understood the need
To sing and to call, for others to heed.
But I needed sleep, enough to throw a jab,
So the drunk African woman got up and went to get a cab.

Plunder & Loot

Susan Plunder would introduce herself then start her pitch, waiting before she introduced her associate, Gary Loot. This began as an attempt to head off anyone making the connection and/or joke, but after a few years it just became part of the patter. And it never stopped them making the joke anyway.

At first, it was tolerable. Then it was annoying, then aggravating, and finally she reached acceptance after a few thousand jokes.

Besides, she had perfected her fake laugh early on, and people seemed more trusting of the contracts, as if only honest people could have names like that…

Regretful Exploration

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, having to walk, well, waddle into the hospital like that. Even with their assurances that my privacy would be kept as they led me into a private room, it was still humiliating.

Then came the nurse, ‘just filling in paperwork’, but I was sure I could hear sniggering from just outside the door as I had to go over what was up there.

It got removed, I took a day off to recover, then went out to a bar.

And met the nurse, and I had a new most embarrassing moment…

Indirect Intervention

His voice rose above the din.

“I call this emergency meeting to order!

Delegates, we have a problem with Humanity right now. Thanks to the Internet, they’re developing technologically far too quickly. We may have to intervene directly, and-“

He had to raise his voice even higher this time.

“I know we haven’t had to do this since Egypt, but-“

“Sir?”

“We recognize the representative from California.”

“I have an idea on how to bog the internet down sir, via taking photos of ourselves and adding humorous misspelt captions. Humans will share these ‘Lolcats’ compulsively, I have the plans here…

Cart Blanched

I was trying to get her to focus on the menu, but she was still going on about how her boyfriend had to be treated like a VIP at the party.

“And he needs to have full unlimited access to the open bar, can we make sure all the waiters know that, he has cart blanched of the event, clear?”

Something inside me snapped.

“Cart blanched?”

She rolled her eyes.

“You know, French for full access. The matron dee needs to know that my boyfriend can-“

“Maître d'. And carte blanche, for that matter.”

“Whatever, just tell everyone printo, ok?”

Where’s Dinner?

It was a simple enough double act. He played the exasperated husband, she was the ditzy housewife. He walked on  and ask about dinner, and then for fifteen minutes she would talk about her day until she finally hit the punchline, “I’ve already eaten.”

They’d performed it across the country for years, and had worked out how to wring out every last drop of comedy. He knew just how to modulate the sigh, she knew just how long to pause before the bit with the carrots.

Then they performed it on the new-fangled television, and suddenly they needed new material…

Cosmic Clean Up

It was just a joke I made to lighten the mood, after too much focusing on loss and death.

I told them all that I’d never really die because I’d made a deal with the universe. Someone had to do the cosmic equivalent of cleaning up after the party, see. Once all life was gone, someone had to sweep up all the rocks, turn out the lights. As long as the universe kept me alive, I’d happily do that.

Just a silly joke. I didn’t expect the universe to take me up on it.

And certainly not within the week…

A Long Time Waiting

With the death in France, Helen became the oldest woman in the world, and so of course a bunch of news crews came to get ‘human interest’. They all asked the same basic question, what she attributed her long life to.

“Every day, I get up, and after eating, I cut up some chicken necks my neighbour brings home for me. Once they are small enough, I walk down to the back fence and wait until the cat appears and I feed him.”

“Oh, so doing good deeds-“

“No, I’m sticking around until it shows me an iota of gratitude!”