Thursday, 31 December 2015

New Year’s Eve

She stared into the mirror, condensation dripping down the reflective surface, making it look like a tear was running down her cheek, matching her mood perfectly.

This had been a horrible year for her. Seemingly every aspect of her life was worse off than it was three hundred and sixty five days previously.

Lost her job, got a crappier one. This of course meant she was further in debt, which directly led to her nasty break up…

But the new year, she had to make a change.

Eve decided that this would be a new year, and a new her…

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

His Evil Twin

I met him on top of Mt Chaos, where the Warrior’s Guide teleported me right in time to help him defeat the Daemon Master and retrieve Saxion’s Bracelet.

Fifteen minutes later, we were attacked by a summoned Bladewind. I managed to defeat it, but he received a mortal wound to the throat. He was just able to croak out a warning to look out for his twin, then died.

I protected the Bracelet constantly, and took care to not let any man come near it, for fear of a good disguise.

Except he had a fraternal twin, a twin sister…

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Power Conduits

Ever since the Empowered began to admit their existence, I’ve been studying them. Sure, they’ve all used their powers for good, but you never know when they might turn on us.

And I quickly noticed how they all needed a conduit for their powers. They needed a special pair of shoes to fly, they needed a certain pair of gloves to shoot ice beams, they needed specific sunglasses for laser vision.

Thus, all we needed to do was ensure that they were only given these items when doing a mission, and we’d be safe.

And then along came Mr. Imagination…

Monday, 28 December 2015

The Worst Customers

A group of six people walked into the store.

The little old lady who never shuts up.

The angry loudmouth who insists that every price is wrong.

The slimy ‘ladies man’ who tells me I have nice tits and then expects get a discount.

The annoying prick who has to price compare everything on his phone.

And the indecisive moron who takes an hour to make a choice but who also gets uppity if you try and help him.

I had hoped the sixth would be good, but considering he was the robber, I guess he was worst of all.

Sunday, 27 December 2015

Golem Remote

Once I made sure that the flesh golem wasn’t going to stand back up, I prised open the treasure chest. I had been hoping for a new magic shield, but all I found was a small box. I picked it up, and my thumb brushed one of the gold buttons inlaid into it.

The remains of the flesh golem behind me began to jerk, as if trying to fulfil an order.

I was going to leave it, but the engraving was decent, thought I could sell it as scrap.

Almost did, before I found out it was a universal remote…

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Boxing Day

I was always warned that the day your last child leaves the nest was a morose one. I started off believing that, but then as my children were born and then grew up, I started to look forward to the day when my wife and I were left alone.

Now that the day has come when we’re going to be alone though, I’m feeling terribly. I know I should go downstairs, but right now all I want to do is sit here, and look through Daniel’s baby clothing.

Eventually though, I know I’ll have to go down to Daniel’s wake…

Friday, 25 December 2015

Santa Claus

When he pulled up in an old Mercury Comet, I was livid.

“You were supposed to be here an hour ago!”

“There was traffic at the airport-“

“Whatever, whatever just get in there and sit down… Nice beard.”

To the guy’s credit, he was pretty good at it. Every kid walked away happy, even the ones that were led to him bawling their eyes out.

At the end, I had his pay, minus the missing hour, but he waved if off, saying something about ‘keeping his game strong’.

I was disappointed when his car didn’t fly away. Not sure why.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Saint Nicholas

Ever since, as a child, a gold coin had been pressed into my hands by the bishop as he passed, I had wanted to know how he could able to afford to help so many people?

I attended Mass every week growing up. Then I joined the order, and studied under him, making sure I was working under him whenever possible.

Eventually, I managed to piece it all together, I worked out his scheme of making the local crime lords pay up in exchange for forgiveness.

But by then I realised that he needed to be kept on a pedestal.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Saint Nick

I was expecting broken glass, maybe some fire damage, and anything metallic that had been within the church gone.

And indeed, while I did get broken glass, the candles and light fixtures were all in place, untouched. Instead, an alcove stood bare.

“Was it golden or something?”

The priest glared at me.

“Young man, as if we’d have a graven image! It was a stone statue of Saint Testia, and I can’t think of who would break in and steal it!”

I raised an eyebrow as I saw that the glass pattern indicated it was smashed from the inside out…

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Father Christmas

After the divorce, we had to start bouncing back and forth for major holidays. If we spent Thanksgiving with Mother one year, next year was with Dad. Fourth of July spent fishing with Father? Next year we’d be helping out at the Veteran’s Center with Mom.

It worked out fine, I suppose, in that there was never any arguments about who got us on any specific day. We always knew where we’d be, every year.

But still, despite how good the system was, I still can’t help but wonder.

Could we have saved his life, if it was his turn?

Monday, 21 December 2015

Kris Kringle

The ringing indicated it was an internal office call, and so Jessica didn’t bother with the normal spiel.


“Who got me in the Kris Kringle?”

She chuckled.

“Now Alex, you know the rules. Why, are you really that upset with your gift? I thought you liked those Japanese animated things?”

“The label was a copy, the DVD had something else on it.”

“Well OK, a ripped DVD is a bit crappy, but still-“

“It was just a video file. Of us. In the bathroom-“

Jessica blanched, and quickly dug out her file.

“Uh…. You weren’t in the Kris Kringle…”

Sunday, 20 December 2015

Too Many Players

I found Uncle Simon in his office, staring at the map he still used to plot out the various gangs, families and groups that made up the underworld of our fair city. He swirled a glass half full of bourbon in his hand, as he stared at the string and pins.

“Uh, Boss?”

“Too many players…”

I walked in and tried to take the glass away from him, but he jerked his hand away and looked up at me.

“Too many players who don’t understand the game. Who think flipping the board is a viable move.

Break out the Molotovs.”

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Too Dry Dock

Mr Gordon Black was not the sort of man to suffer fools, especially from the lower classes, and doubly so from servants.

So when the boy returned without the ice bucket he was ordered to get, he gave the boy a piece of his mind.

Everyone within four decks could hear him berate the boy, and then after a short pause, everyone within five decks could hear him tell the boy that he didn’t care that they were still docked, this was the Titanic, they must have ice on board!

Gordon ignored the odd sensation saying that phrase gave him.

Friday, 18 December 2015

Falling Into Your Lap

The notion of meeting via chance, of the perfect girl falling into his lap always seemed so unlikely to Mark. It only happened in the movies, not in real life.

Susan’s heel breaking and thus her literally falling into his lap as he was reading in the park, such a meeting would thus never have been given any real odds of occurring, had Mark ever chose to calculate them.

But Susan and Mark, while they would never use the term ‘soulmates’, were absolutely perfect for each other, and such a meeting was perfect for them too.

Shame it didn’t happen.

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Going Unboldly

I know I’m in the vast minority, but I really think the training programs are stupid.

Not the concept, don’t get me wrong, when they get up there they’ll need to be trained to handle anything from emergency decompression to first contact, they need all the training they can get.

But the actual programs. The really old computerised simulators, the gyroscopes, all that walking around in a suit thirty years old… We can’t they afford newer methods of training?

I mean, we’ve been sending human looking robot suits up to the surface for a century now, surely times have changed…

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Truly Magic 8 Ball

Of the nine devices currently existing that can grant ‘Wishes’, it is the newest, and has the highest cost for the user.

The Lamp Trio would give you weak versions of your requests, and the Atlantis Set would invariably try to technically grant you.

But the Truly Magic 8 Ball? It would give you what you wanted, but it would cost you something you valued equally. So a lot of money would cost you a loved one’s life, or a huge number of strangers’ lives.

In the seven minutes the deceased had the device, 74% of the human population vanished.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

That One Idea

It was his idea.

Well obviously all of them were. At least, those that weren’t blatant rip-offs of other people’s ideas, all the ideas that he had were his in the general sense.

But this one, this was His Idea. His baby. It wasn’t the first one he ever had, but it was the one he felt the strongest connection to. He knew that it was the greatest thing he’d ever come up with, and he spent a few minutes every day honing it, making it even better.

He hoped one day he’d be in a position to share it.

Monday, 14 December 2015

The Irresistible Meeting The Highly Movable

He was the Greatest Lover In The World, at least according to the songs, poems, books and bedstuffers that told tales of his exploits, in varying levels of erotic detail.

She was the World’s Most Desirable Woman, at least according to the scuttlebutt that would follow her as she travelled the world, seemingly every night was another rich and powerful man.

Some wondered what would happen if they met, how much electricity and sexual escapades would be unleashed by such a meeting.

They actually met once every six months or so, as professionals, mainly just to compare notes and techniques…

Sunday, 13 December 2015

No Man/Men/Male Land

Captain Peters had to practically yell to be heard over the explosions around their position.

“All right Men, we have-“


Captain Peters paused and glared at Sergeant Dorman.

“Fine. Soldiers, we’re gonna have to cross about half a mile of No Man’s Land before-“

“No Person’s Land!”

Peters took a deep breath.

“Dorman, do you see anyone here complaining about my using gendered fucking language? This squad is all male!”

Dorman coughed, the effect lost when a mortar shell exploded above them.

“You’re a woman, Ma’am… Captain.”

Captain Emily Peters closed her eyes, as the next shell hit true.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

5G Artefacts

Using her obvious Gorgeousness score of 31, she was able to charm some drunk guards into telling her where the Artefact was.

Using her surprising Grunt score of 28, she was able to scale the castle walls that evening with surprising speed.

Using her enhanced Grace score of 38, she was able to leap from one tower to the other, and thus to her prize.

Using her innate Glimpse Score of 46, she spotted all the traps and was able to get the Artefact easily.

Trying to use the Artefact with a Guile score of 9 was a mistake though…

Friday, 11 December 2015

Purple Reign

As Storykeeper, I have the ability, nay, duty, to bring forth those characters worthy of life into my little pocket of existence. The brilliantly written, the perfectly formed, the revolutionary.

And, the others. The improbably beautiful and talented characters with far too many skills and abilities than they could possibly have ever mastered in their short time. Mary-Sues, they are known as.

The worthy characters always ask why this is so. I tell them it’s about light and shadow, night and day. But really?

There’s a war coming, and we’ll need every purple haired elf-dragon warrior witch we can get…

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Applied Conversions

Trying to pinpoint the moment Humanity lost is kinda hard.

I know we mark the day that Henzo Mizuki, “The Last Human On Earth”, was taken as being ‘The Day’, but after The Fall, you really can’t tell me they had any chance of coming back after all that happened there.

Do you use the Tipping Point Day, where we passed half the population converted?

What about The First Conversion, was Humanity doomed from that moment on?

Personally, I use the day that the Smartphone debuted. Everything flowed-

Oops, sorry, just got an update, gimme a sec to reboot myself…

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Power Struggle

Ever since Amarton was named the High Vizer, others in the Wondrous Palace had been trying gain control of him. Given that the last four High Vizers had all been killed by various assass…. accidents, no-one wanted another death just yet.

But he had no vices, no dark secrets. Offers of ‘gifts’ and ‘favors’ were politely rebuffed, no price seemed high enough to entice him, every known type of sexual partner was turned away, he seemed impossible to win.

So, eventually, someone broke the stalemate with the Night of Blood.

That someone being Amarton, now ready for his second phase…

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Because They’re There

All throughout the Ten Lands of Diomast, there were many races of beings. Trade and diplomacy happens between most of them. And yet, in my travels, I’ve found something odd.

The human race is… weak, in the blood.

Don’t mistake me, I’m not saying the race itself is weak, far from it, but have you noticed that humans seem to be able to breed with almost anyone?

Dwarves, Elves, Orcs, Firefliers, Ottermen, Leafians and the rest, there are Whatever-Humans, and yet no Elven-Orcs, or Leafian-Dwarves.

Still, Half-Humans get just as much per hour in the Whore Pits as whole bloods…

Monday, 7 December 2015

A Kiss, The Kiss

The kiss was long, passionate, and enjoyable.

Once it was over, he raised a finger, as he took stock of what had just happened, as well as a few deep breaths.

“We shouldn’t have done that.” he managed, eventually.

“Why? You’re single, and my husband is-“

“Your husband, and I’m not single, I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken to me, and I’m a good judge of character. So kiss me.”

He stared at her, every fibre of his being telling him to grab her.

He was in a taxi five minutes later, unconvincingly telling himself he had made the right decision.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Faith Protects All

It was pathetic, seeing her crawl from the wreckage and pull herself to her feet with her sword. I laughed as I stepped off from my hoverthrone, and rubbed my fingers together, forming a ball of pure agony to make sure her death was as painful as it was drawn out.

I would have thrown it, but then she began to pray, and I couldn’t help but laugh even harder.

“You think your God will protect you now? You-“

Then the sniper bullet removed most of my brain. I think I heard her radio someone called ‘Faith’ before I died…

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Regretful Exploration

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, having to walk, well, waddle into the hospital like that. Even with their assurances that my privacy would be kept as they led me into a private room, it was still humiliating.

Then came the nurse, ‘just filling in paperwork’, but I was sure I could hear sniggering from just outside the door as I had to go over what was up there.

It got removed, I took a day off to recover, then went out to a bar.

And met the nurse, and I had a new most embarrassing moment…

Friday, 4 December 2015

Incredible Advancements

The tour guide tried to get everyone’s attention, which was hard since the ship was passing the Bromidila Cluster.

“Males, females, all genders in-between, can you all please look here, the tour is almost over…”

Eventually, everyone turned around, and looked with various levels of interest and ignorance at the sphere floating above them

“Now this is the Lacuser Sphere, which is the device that is making this seventeen quadrillion ton ship have a gravity footprint of around seventeen kilos. Now-“

“So what happens if it malfunctions?”

“Well, we’d all be smooshed, but I fail to-“

He pressed the detonator.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

Maxine's Power

The first thing Maxine ever said to John was “You’re doing it all wrong, lift with your knees, stupid.”

The first time John asked Maxine on a date, she laughed in his face.

The first demand Maxine had for the wedding was that she get the traditionally male vows to say.

The first born was named Max, while the second was named Amy, after Maxine’s middle name.

The last thing Maxine told John from her deathbed was “Overall, you were OK, I guess.”

The first thing John felt after that moment was panic. What the hell did he do now?

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Smoke And Rain

The rain was incessant, beating down on the lone figure huddled beneath a flickering street light. Despite the rain, the red flicker of a cigarette glowed in the shadows caused by their hat that covered their face.

No-one passed by, as the figure stood, unmoving, save for replacing the cigarette every so often. It seemed like they would stand there forever, or at least until the rain stopped falling.

The figure drew my eye, the way highlighted stillness always does in a busy world, and I made sure to keep them in my sights.

Thus I didn’t notice the accomplice.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

High Flying Sparks

Sparks had flown between us ever since the first day we met. Every time I tried to correct her, she would fly off the handle at me. And yet, when I spoke the truth, she’d insist on making up some crazy lie.

All through the Academy, we’d be at each other’s throats, as she would refuse to admit my superiority, nor would she stop trying to make me submit.

Eventually, when we were declared as being Co-Captains of the Academy, we met to settle our differences in the workshop, late at night.

Another sort of spark flew that night, thankfully.