Almost Unfair

I finally got a spark from the flint, and ignited the pool of oil. Well, technically the fumes it was giving off, but still.

It created a barrier between me and the Beast, which reared back and snarled at the fire. As I finally got a good look at the werewolf that killed the rest of my travelling party, it suddenly transformed into the girl we rescued that morning.

Before I could speak, she took a flying leap and used a chandelier to swing over the fire, right into my favorite getaway distraction dust.

Well, technically, silver nitrate, but still. 

Last One

She found me sitting cross legged on the floor of the kitchen, an open jar of pickled eggs in front of me.

"Hun?"

"They're rotten."

She looked at the eggs.

"Well, you don't like eggs that much, do you?"

I looked up at her, my eyes red.

"I'll go get a new pack from the store then, give me a minute."

"No, no...

Look, my grandmother made all sorts of pickled things, and jams and shit. And this was... This was the last one. The last thing I had to remember her."

"What about the house?"

"I... Fine, that too."

Sending A Message

Every spaceship that travels through Alliance spaceship is required to submit reports once a week through an Alliance comm unit, the whole system informally known as the Captain's Log system based off some ancient Terran storygroup.

The reports are usually brief, often with offensive terminology, and many believe it's a plot to track everyone.

It is true that it has an unstated purpose, but it's not to spy on unimportant traders.

But if we were to tell everyone that they were part of a giant interconnected network designed to fool an inter-dimensional AI into staying away, people would ask questions. 

Such A Prick

I walked into our home and almost didn't see the rose petals, but I luckily dropped the mail and this saw them.

It wasn't the type of apology I was expecting after our fight, when I went off on him for being a manchild and such. But it wasn't the worst way to apologise, so I put away the groceries quickly then followed the rose petals up to our bedroom.

I didn't know what I'd find, but him slowly bleeding out from dozens of thorn pricks over his arms, I probably wouldn't have imagined that, although I probably should have.

In A Heartbeat

Everyone is trying to find a way to transport goods without all that pesky paperwork and laws. A lot of effort has gone into disguising the most profitable of such goods from the various methods of detecting them.

But every so often someone hits upon a method that doesn't need such disguise. Diplomatic pouches were popular for a while, and then more recently, drone submarines.

I have a better solution. Instantaneous transportation. And before you ask, the need for a live human you don't need back is part of the powering process, and that's why I'm not going legit, ok? 

How To Find Him

He woke up, and I placed the water bowl next to his face. Once he realised his hands and arms were tied, he leant down and lapped at the water for a bit before he spoke.

"I found you!"

I laughed.

"So who was it that told you to walk into the desert and you'd find me?"

"Uh, the weapons dealer, but-"

I held out my hand, and thought for a moment.

"He's... 'you have to truly want it in your heart', right?"

"Yeah, and I did, obviously."

I laughed again.

"No, I have to decide to rescue you, actually." 

Burning Paperwork

How i died isn't important (don't bother looking it up, trust me), but what is important is what happened next, when I woke up in a professional looking office, in reds and blacks. I pulled myself up near the window, and looked out across rivers of brimstone and flocks of flying demons, intermixed with bland looking apartment blocks and theatres.

"Physical pain isn't always the most punishing aspect, so we've got a lot of different areas now, for mental and spiritual torture. Variety and all that."

I turned around and saw a femaleish demon in something resembling a business suit, although my eyes watered if I tried to focus on it.

"Ok, and what is this room then?"

"Oh, this is your office. You're in charge now."

I blinked, and not because I was trying to look at her (?) outfit.

"I'm in charge of Hell?"

"Well, not all of it, just this sector. You'll report to the Board, and judged against the other 665 sectors."

"But, why me? I'm the last person you'd choose, surely?"

She smirked.

"Like I said, we have variety now. And this is the most effective way to torture you.

And also reduce payroll, added bonus." 

Disproportionate Response

 We both heard the sirens.

She gripped the pistol tighter, while I tensed up, ready to make a last second jump if I had to, while I continued to try and talk her out of it.

"We both know what's gonna happen when they get here. They're gonna see the gun, and your skin color, and then it's all over."

She obviously understood me, because as we heard the cops pull up, she tossed me the gun and cowered.

Unfortunately, she threw it a little too early so I shot her, and then told them what they wanted to hear.

Mush

After three months as being one of the first humans on an alien planet, I was of the opinion that the trip over was the best part, only because in hibernation I didn't have to eat the food.

Every meal was exactly the same. The sane flavored nutritional mush, the texture and consistent of baby food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, all the exact same.

But today, finally, the farm finally left testing, and we were getting the first meal of food grown here.

And because Gary was in charge of preparing it, it ended up indistinguishable from the prepared mush... 

Loop Track

I smiled as he walked in the door.

"Hello, and welcome to-"

He suddenly got right in my face, staring at me.

"Do you have any idea how many times I've killed you?"

"Sir?"

"I've been trapped in this time loop for decades, centuries probably, and every time, no matter what, I wake up in the same place, same time, and you have the same damn smile on your face! Well this is it!"

He pulled a gun out and then shot himself.

I waited a moment.

"12,464 times." I told his twitching corpse as I reset back once again. 

Changed Work

A month later, I was watching the printer collate the reports when Max walked in to grab some pens. We made eye contact and we nodded before he paused and asked something he'd clearly been thinking about.

"Do you miss him?"

I knew he was referring to our former boss. I considered it.

"Some nights, when I'm here crunching numbers, I look up occasionally and still expect him to stick his head in and have another small task to do."

He smiled.

"Yeah, I kinda miss him too."

I didn't bother pointing out that that was not what I said. 

Close Enough

She was halfway through explaining it to me when she paused, and then sighed.

"Ok, where did I lose you?"

"No, I'm still with you."

"Ok, so who's the King at this point in the plot?"

"Oh, what's his name, you just mentioned him... Nathaniel?"

She sighed.

"There's no King in the story!"

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, I'm writing it!"

"Well, you should name the king Nathaniel when you bring him in."

She stormed off in a huff, and I went back to my drink.

When I eventually read her published book, there was a Queen named Nathania. 

Dragon's Horde

The Princess screamed and struggled against the chains as the Dragon landed. It slowly walked the last few dozen steps.

"Why are you screaming?" She heard it ask her, in her mind.

"Because you're about to eat me? My soul will join your hoard?"

The dragon shook its head.

"Wrong type of hoard."

"Does this mean you won't eat me?"

The Dragon responded by snapping forward and eating her, chains and all.

She awoke to find herself a spirit, surrounded by thousands of other vengeful female spirits with the Dragon as it attacked those who had tried to sacrifice her.

Part Of The Service

Everyone else had long gone, and the Mortician coughed.

"Sir, I still need to clear up."

I pointed at the casket.

"Why aren't I sad?"

"Sir?"

"The only woman not obliged to love me who did so anyway, who died of a terrible illness, and I'm here feeling... Relief? The fuck is wrong with me?"

"Sir, I've been doing this job for thirty years. I've seen every shade of grief, and also joy, anger, lust.

And a surprisingly large amount of indifference."

"And relief?"

"She was in pain, was she not?"

"Well, yeah."

"Do you require the dots connected, Sir?" 

Aboard The Sicily

I stood outside the cargo hold, staring at the cryopod. My first mate approached quietly.

"Your orders, Captain?"

I answered them without answering them.

"This enemy pod is what, three meters across? And it was from a ship we destroyed a week ago, a parsec away, only to turn up drifting where we could find it?"

"A good bit of luck then!"

"Tell me, you ever hear of Operation Mincemeat? Back on Earth?"

"You're proposing we grind it into tiny pieces, Captain?"

I handed it over unopened to my superiors, who sadly hadn't heard of that ancient Earth plan either. 

System Test

"Any other business?"

Everyone turned to look at the man at the far end of the table. Every meeting, he always had some issue to raise, as he complained about something, usually something that would eventually boil down to there being more women or people of color in his general vicinity. But given that he had coded and maintained the network that was the backbone of the entire company, people put up with it.

"Nothing from me." He said after a long moment.

The manager responded promptly.

"So, I think we need a complete self-examination, clearly there's an issue here." 

Substandard

I wanted a meatball sub, and since I'm an adult who can do stuff, I left the house and drove to a local row of stores which included a sub sandwich one.

When I walked in, the cashier was fighting with a customer. I stared, until I heard enough shouting to work out this was over a man, or two men, possibly.

After a few minutes, with the fight not looking like it would end soon, I walked around them and made my sandwich.

I made it, wrapped it, and then the customer threw it at the cashier.

Just great.

Unsafety Net

I was walking home when I found him in the middle of the bridge, leaning over the edge, looking down at the net jutting out between him and the river far below. I knew the phone meant to be for people like this was probably broken, so I took a shot.

"I presume you've heard that the net is so tight that rather than stopping you, it kills you quicker, right?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, that's a lie they say to make people jump here. I got sleeping pills at home?"

I talked him out if it on the walk home. 

Preferred Outcome

The two had been 'negotiating' for about five hours. I don't use the quotation marks to indicate they were doing something untoward, but rather they were basically doing the same thing, over and over again. They each had their idea of what the deal should be, and they wouldn't budge. They would reword it every hour or so, but they were, if anything, further from a deal than when they started.

I could see a way through, where both could get most of what they wanted. But since what I wanted was them to remain deadlocked, I stayed right out. 

Unreal Estate

After the third penthouse apartment that drew nothing but disinterested stares and dismissive comments, I turned my tablet PC off and looked at him carefully.

"Ok, clearly we need to rethink this. What exactly are your true desires for a property, Sir?"

"Oh, you know, location, view, facilities..."

"With all due respect, the properties we've seen have all had those. What is it that you truly want?"

He looked uncomfortable for a moment, before finally speaking.

"I wanna feel like a Supervillian."

I sighed, then smiled, as I reopened my tablet, and loaded the other list up.

"A Billionaire-Home, right..."

Heroism

There was a story that the final exam of the philosophy course one year was simply "What is Heroism?"

The story then goes that while most everyone wrote pages of an essay, one person (I've heard a half a dozen alumni named as the person) simply wrote "This is" and got full marks.

So when we turned over the exam paper and it was that exact question, everyone around me wrote those two words while I wrote a proper essay.

I was one of the few not marked a zero. Turns out they weren't lying about needing references and arguments. 

Golmandak The Terror

Golmandak The Terror stepped off the boat and pointed a gold thread and jewel encrusted sleeve at one of the dockworkers.

"Peasant, this is Rieolp, correct?"

"Yeah?"

Golmandak The Terror laughed evilly.

"It is your day of doom then! You have banned magic on your land, so I know you cannot defend against my power! Now worship me!"

The dock worker was already ignoring him. After a moment, Golmandak The Terror pointed at him again.

"Very well, DIE!"

Golmandak The Terror cast a spell, and found out the ban was in place due to how painful instant death could be. 

Survivor's Bias

In the bunker, the leader of the free world was told that the enemy was about to launch an attack, and he was given the choice to Press The Button.

In the secure location, the glorious commander of the people looked at the readouts that screamed the evil empire was poised to invade, and which suggest that they Press The Button.

Both of them recalled stories of those who prevented automatic pressings, single people making decisions that saved the world, and hesitated.

Problem is, no-one knew the mistaken radar tech that led to the Buttons pressing automatically this time round. 

The Viantem Cascade

 Most people knew that asteroid fields usually had a density of one rock per thousand clicks, only an issue to those moving faster than light.

But the Viantem cascade was a ball of rocks, millions of clicks across, full of constantly colliding rocks. But the star at the center was a potentially vast energy source, so they built a probe to go in and destroy the rocks. The rocks it destroyed would power it, and it had a way to build itself again if it was too damaged.

Unfortunately, the control system of this part was the first thing damaged.

Our Last Morning

I woke up beside her for what would turn out to be the last time, and kissed her cheek, causing her to stir awake, which she grumbled about, as she always did.

I went and started breakfast, while she dealt with her morning ablutions. Once it was made, I scoffed mine, then did my own ablutions while she ate.

Then, she prepared for work, we kissed once more as she left, and I began the chores.

When the police came to the door, to tell me the news, I wondered, if I'd known, what I'd do differently.

Nothing, upon reflection. 

Aesop 2.0: 26. The Oaf And The Builder

For many years, there was a bridge across the river that The Oaf and The Builder used to cross over. The Builder tried to keep the bridge secure, but The Oaf didn't, and his heavy jumping eventually broke the bridge. The Builder then repaired the bridge, making it stronger and safer. The Oaf tried to take credit for causing this, but the others in the village all booed him and thanked The Builder, as his repairs were what made it stronger, after all.

"Healing from wounds can make you stronger, but it's because of the healing, not the wounds themselves." 

Meeting Limbo

I died, peacefully, in my sleep.

If you'd have asked me before that point what I'd see upon waking up after that, I'd have said the pearly gates, but would have actually expected hellfire and telemarketers.

Instead, when I did wake up, I found myself on what felt like sand, with a figure watching over me. It was in the shape of a young girl but clearly wasn't human.

"What is this?"

Not the most dramatic opening remark, I'll admit. But then I didn't say it.

I looked at her.

"The afterlife?" I hazarded.

"What's life?"

Where to begin, huh 

Swiss Army Laser

Humans were nothing but self-important, so when they made contact with the society that refered to itself as the Deobpiat, they took to calling them the Swissians, given their white crosses in red skin pigmentation and, more relevantly, their society's focus on remaining neutral in all outside disagreements and conflicts.

Humanity had reached the stars only after unifying via blood and conflict, and that must be why they were always trying to goad the 'Swissians' into a conflict, at first by diplomacy and then directly.

Eventually, Humanity learned why the Swissians usually remained neutral.

Well, the few surviving humans, anyway. 

Bang Bang Kiss Kiss

The Sniper and The Seductress had as close to a professional rivalry as two assassins working for The Government could have. To make it worse, they were often both put on the same job, where he acted as The Backup, or where he was The Insurance Policy to her messing up, depending on which one you asked.

But at least, despite their dislike of each other, they worked well together, which was useful when they went on the run together after the Government decided they needed to vanish.

Although they both hated that they were taken out by The Stabber.

All Sales Final

I assumed I was having a dream after too much ramen, so I just went with it as I explored the Cursed Relic store.

As the... Figure explained the items, an idea formed.

"Can these merge together?"

"Details?"

"This mirror that creates a copy of the world just without people, can I use that with the speak to everyone phone to offer everyone the chance to kill everyone but them, then transport all the people who say yes to their own world, then smash the mirror?"

I woke up before it answered, but I still think it's a good idea. 

End Planning

Everyone's plans for what they'd do at the end of the world relied on it being a slow end. That they'd have time to gather things and run, to a shelter, to the woods, to space, whatever they had planned.

Now, true, there's no sense in planning for a quick end of the world. If the sun suddenly shoots out a deadly radiation spike, you're not gonna know.

But what you need to do is have a plan for when you can see the end coming, but don't have time to do anything meaningful.

I suggest planning to forgive yourself.