Saturday, 31 August 2013

Playing With Fire

It was a running gag that on the official town plaque the last listed sister city was Gehenna, A.K.A Hell.

As town historian I looked into it. Turns out in late 1600’s, height of the witch hysteria, the then mayor ‘made a deal’ so that all witches would leave the town alone.

The town council found this hilarious, and so a Sister City celebration was organised for Halloween week. Lots of events, witch pageants, keys to the city given to people in silly devil costumes, lots of kitschy touristy crap.

Actually went pretty well.

What, you expected something else?

Friday, 30 August 2013

Juliet & Romeo

Names have power. The name given to a product, or idea, can make or break it. But names also have certain expectations, cultural references weighing on them. And more often than not, even if they don’t know it, lives will be shaped.

So when the two biggest crime families in the city had in their ranks a boy called Romeo and a girl called Juliet, well, even though the two families were at war and made every effort to avoid interaction, they met and had a torrid romance.

And then Juliet killed him when she found out who he was.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

The Occasional Acorn

She was clearly a novice player. Normally this would be fine, but this was a high end tournament, and she was just annoying everyone.

So they kept trying to bully her out of hands. And more times than not, they’d end up losing to her. And so she ended up in the final two with me.

Hollywood would end it with duelling straight flushes, but it came down to her having a higher kicker.

“So this is the part where you admit to fooling everyone, right?” I asked her.

“Huh?” was all she said, and that just broke my heart.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Blackmail Bargaining

The discussion was not going particularly smoothly, it was safe to say. Any attempts at positive, forward-thinking negotiation just started another round of arguments about who started some conflict hundreds of years ago or who owned what island. The exact opposite of the Collective’s aims.
So, we called it a day, and all the representatives went back to their hotels.

There, each and every one of them found a couple of women with no morals waiting to ‘entertain’ them.

And all of it filmed by my cameras.

Would have worked, but turns out some of them were in open relationships…

Monday, 26 August 2013

Little Grey Cells

Finally, the world famous detective turned to Miranda.

“And thus, it just leaves you, the so called ‘Sweet, Innocent’ Miranda.

But not so! No, I have deduced that you manipulated the Major into thinking you were his late wife with the mushrooms you stole from your brother’s laboratory. Why else did have your hair styled twice in one day and ‘lose’ your keyring when asked about it?”

Everyone in the room held their breath and waited.

She remained still and said nothing.

In the long, drawn out court battle that eventuated, it turned out that ‘deductions’ aren’t all that conclusive…

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Spoilt Meat

Everyone knew that Elena’s Spicy Beef Stew was the best wet savoury dish in the state. But every year when the society cook-off happened, something came up, an uncle had a heart attack, the corn fields got beetles, some emergency forced her to pull out of the competition.

This year, since I was the new chairwoman of the prize committee, I went to her homestead and told her how we were going to give her a special prize for lost awards.

She was surprisingly upset at this.

I was confused, until I accidentally opened the larder door and saw inside.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

A New Old Source

I walked into the boardroom looking confident. The boss sat at the head of the table, looking

“So where’s this new show idea? Remember, lots of sex and violence!”

“Picture a series of tales, based on a couple of collections of stories now in public domain, there are tales about women fooled into sexual service, about torturing women with hot nails, manhoods get cut off, as well as a bunch of more traditional quests and evil witches and the like.”


As he left, his secretary smiled knowingly.


“No, Afanasyev.

There’s more than one culture out there you know.”

Friday, 23 August 2013


The record kept skipping back.

I don’t know why that bothered me so much, given I was bleeding out around the knife lodged in my gut. But I guess my mind was shutting off the pain, instead focusing on the looped final bars of Bach’s 5th Suite for Cello.

But eventually, a pair of shoes came into my line of sight, and then the body attached squatted down in front of me.

“So sorry it had to come to this.”

“So am I.”

My would be killer looked confused, until I pulled the knife from my gut and into theirs.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Subtle Diplomacy

It had taken much diplomacy, but the envoys of the Upnordians had arrived. There to meet them were representatives from ‘Major Human Divisions’.

And also Bob.

Bob mined asteroids, but since he found the beacon, he had to attend, they said. The head envoy moved to him gracefully.

“Fuck, that outfit’s ugly as sin dude.” Bob blurted out. There was a brief pause as this was translated by their machinery, while the Human diplomats all froze.

The envoy paused, then made a warbling sound from his midsection.

“My third wife insisted on it, but you are right…” came the translation.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

The Audacity of Lovers

The audacity is actually quite astounding when you consider it.

Ever since man and woman first became aware of the concept of man and woman, there have been love stories. People have found, lost, regained, destroyed and repaired love. Love has been grown between every possible combination of humanity, and every possible aspect has been portrayed in art.

From the lowliest scribbler to the most beloved artists of all time, love has been dissected, explored and praised by all of them, constantly.

And yet, even now, people still believe their love is special, and worthy of expression through art.


Monday, 19 August 2013

Drama In Infinite Parts

The curtains open.

All of life passes across the stage. Love and hate, passion and coldness, the highest peaks of joy and the lowest moments of regret.

Many players will cross the stage, some for a moment, yet others for almost the entire story. And yet, each is important, no matter how brief their time in those lights, their impact is essential.

Every facet of humanity will be shown, the good, the bad, and even the humdrum banalities of life, all of them writ there, forever.

The curtains close.

Man, this telescope was the best thing I ever bought.

Sunday, 18 August 2013

The First Rule Of Magic

It’s a fact drummed into you at every (reputable) magic school on the plane. ‘Once made, never unmake’. If you mess up, learn to live with your mistake.

It was rote knowledge, but never explained. It was just the first rule of magic. But eventually, the day I was given my own wand, I went to my room and, after some thought, created a cheese sandwich.

After a few seconds, I cast the destroy spell.

I then got to experience having the universe notice my flaunting of its rules for a split second before it took steps to fix me.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Going Into Show Business For Yourself

As I walked out of the smoke, with the paid for crowd all booing with no real emotion, the boss’ voice kept repeating in my head.

“Think of the publicity!”

It drove me to go through the ‘approved by the producers’ version of my entrance routine, into the ring, and then to stand there, opposite the comedian, dressed like a pirate.

We locked up, my grip loose.

“Ow! Lighten up!” he whispered.

As I snapped, and grabbed him and went to drop him on his head, all that was going through my head was one phase.

Think of the publicity…

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Making Waves

Life as a female lifeguard isn’t so bad. OK, the outfits are a little too Baywatchy for my tastes, but you get respect, even off duty. Mostly.

See, after a long shift I changed into some sweats and was heading home when I saw a few teenage boys playing on the rocks.

“Hey, get down from there!” I called out. They turned to face me.

“Says who?” one of them shouted.

“Says this!” I said, as I lifted my sweatshirt.

As the cool breeze hit my skin I remembered that I had taken off my swimsuit when I got changed.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Upgrade Refusals

I loved my smartphone.

Sure, the screen was cracked, the display rotated randomly at times and it only got reception on line of sight to a tower, but it was with me through everything.

And so it was with me when the aliens arrived. Like everyone else, I received the same message via the nearest electronic device, i.e my phone.

“We come to offer a choice,” “Join us or be left alone”, blah blah blah, you remember. Then it displayed the two options, like for everyone else.

And then just as I went to press my choice, the screen rotated.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013


The girls at the office decided I was a ‘nice guy’ who had spent too long without a date. So they dragged me to a club, and left me to make small talk with the bartender while they scouted for eligible ladies.

First girl they sent over was clearly drunk and possibly high, so I politely suggested she head home.

The next was thicker than lard, and the final one, we just didn’t hit it off.

We left, with them looking upset at me. But once I told them how the bartender had given me her number, they cheered up.

Monday, 12 August 2013

Brock McKenzie, Animal Cop in "Another Day, Another Donskoy"

People get the wrong idea about my line of work. They see the TV shows and movies and assume it’s all action-packed car chases and the like. But most of the time, it’s dull really.

Take today. Called out to the University, and arrived to find the Science Department’s pet dog still tearing apart the body of the Economic Department’s mascot cat. There were several eyewitnesses, plenty of DNA evidence, CCTV… Messy, sure. Upsetting for most? Of course. But apart from the report, just really dull.

Victim: ‘Minsky’, Cat, 7
Cause of death: Murder
Attacker (if applicable): ‘Curiosity’, Dog, 3

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Ode To The Useless

I don’t come to praise those who succeeded,
But rather the failures who actually are needed.
For those who stand tall get all the glory,
But without those who fall, it’s another story.

In order for the victors to stand out,
If their exploits we are to forever tout,
There must be the losers to come before,
The sole exception must have the compliant more.

Without the bad, the hopeless, the stupid, the lame,
The people who fill us with undeniable shame,
Then we couldn’t be able to celebrate and acclaim,
Without the unknown, there is no concept of fame.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Bacon Farmer Maybe?

The ‘scientist’ stepped forward, looking extremely pleased with himself.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the public, as well as those of you from the press, thank you for coming to this, the dawning of a new era in humanity’s search for companionship!”

There was a smattering of applause as he gestured to a large supercomputer next to him.

“Using all the information gathered off social websites, we will match those people on the internet who are perfect for each other!”

The computer whirred for a moment, then began spitting out paper.

“Now then…

38% are matched to the one Steve Palmer…”

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Pivotal Risks in History

Scholars all agree, this was the battle that turned the tide in the war.

Sure, there were many battles before it, many afterwards, but this was the key moment, where tactics collided and plans were thrown into chaos. On one side, a seemingly unstoppable army that was poised to take out yet another empire, like it had taken two seemingly impenetrable ones before. On the other, a smaller but determined force, ready to fight against all the odds and attempt to draw a line and say no more.

Helena then managed to roll eleven 5’s and 6’s in a row.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Laws Of Probability

Her life was spent playing the odds.

She was always looking for the most likely outcome, the best chance for success. And if it was roughly even? She’d flip her lucky coin.

That coin practically ruled her life. It made her choose law over medicine, made her choose New York over Washington, and the sushi joint where I worked over the deli.

And now, it had one more decision to make. I couldn’t help my eyes dim a bit when she pulled it out, but I remained there on bended knee, until she flipped it.

“It’s heads.”

She hadn’t looked.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

There Comes A Time...

I was passing the ATM when it began to beep incessantly. I took a closer look, and noticed the wad of bills sitting there in the cash slot.

I looked around, and didn’t see anyone running back to claim it.

The thought to simply take the money occurred, but instead I just stood there, waiting to see if anyone would come claim it.

Eventually the hatch closed back up, and I walked off, knowing karma would reward me for my good deed.

It was only later I realised that karma may have just tried to reward me with free cash…

Non Drabble: The Tango Saloon 'In Black And White' Music Video

 I reserve the right to occasionally post when I do something cool in some other field. In this case, I appeared in a Music Video which was cool. So do check it out. Warning, adult themes. And I die. Which may or may not make it more appealing to you.

EDIT: And since embed code doesn't seem to work and I didn't check this beforehand, an update to make it work! Hooray for needless complications!

Monday, 5 August 2013

Brock McKenzie, Animal Cop in "Down the Coal Chute"

“Oh, please tell me you can find out what happened to my sweet little Coaly.”

The weeping owner got comforted by a Constable as I examined the corpse. No obvious wounds, although there was a large protrusion in the gullet. And also, oddly, the deceased cat appeared to be smiling broadly at the time of death.

I stepped out onto the balcony of the flat, and then examined the neighbouring apartments’ balcony.

I found what I expected on the flat above, and after a quick interview, I filed my report.

Victim: Coaly, Cat, 4.
Cause of death: Swallowed a canary.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

More Trouble Than It's Worth

“I’m going off the grid man!”


“No time to explain, just gotta lay low till it settles down.”

Thing is, by the time he worked out how to delete his Facebook, scrub himself from Twitter, close down his bank account, opt out of his various shopping loyalty programs, ditched his cell phone contract, tracked down every spammer who had his email, then give up and shut down his email all together, demand and destroy every photo of himself from his friends and family, and made sure that no-one on the planet could track him, the trouble was long settled.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Lack Of Support

It’s a bunch of female athletes, all of whom have trained for their entire careers to improve upon their craft. In a sport, or rather business, that doesn’t respect women if they aren’t wearing practically nothing or hanging off the arm of a man who’s important, they strive to be taken seriously on their abilities and talent.

It happens to rarely that they get a chance to shine, and they need all the support and positivity us guys who get by easily can give.
And yet, I can’t support them tonight, because I have a headache.

I hate reverse clich├ęs.

Friday, 2 August 2013

Country Hospitality

It was another beautiful day on the farm.

I was out digging a ditch with the boys, when this car slowly sputtered to a stop on the road. It was one of those fancy ones from Europe, with no storage space. Out of it came a couple, all fancy looking, the man yelling into one of those new fangled ‘smarty-phones’ and her looking browner than my old work horse Honey, complaining about the heat and the flies. I told the boys to dig a lot deeper as I fetched my rifle.

Like I said, another beautiful day on the farm.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Trusted Allies

“Ready?” I asked, looking over the group of Mes, thrown together by the rift in time opened by Dr. Xenophant.

“Of course.” said Older Me, hefting his assault rifle expertly.

“Word to your mother!” said Teenage Me, the shotgun in his hands shaking with excitement.

“I guess…” said Child Me, hefting his bag of grenades nervously.

“Right then, so we go in and-“ I began, when Teen Me let out a warcry and then charged at the door shoulder first. He bounced off, dropping the shotgun, which discharged.

Right into Child Me’s face.

Luckily, the paradox ate Dr. Xenophant’s timeline.

(Thanks to Jason for the challenge!)