J For Jokes

I popped my head over the cubicle wall and I heard Jay groan.

"What do you want a joke for this time?"

"I'm working on the team presentation to upstairs."

He grumbled for a moment.

"I guess that's important enough. The set-up?"

"I've finished talking about the lawsuit for that wrongful death and want to move onto the tax avoidance plan for next year."

Jay considered things for a moment.

"Speaking of immoral bastardry, I-"

His phone rang and he answered it, which I misunderstood to mean that was the joke, which it wasn't.

I never get them, you see.

I For Information

Unsurprisingly they assigned a guard who didn't speak English. And also unsurprisingly they didn't know I'd been learning their language.

"I want information."

The guard looked into my cell like I'd just grown a second head.

"What" was all i understood as he spoke rapidly. After a moment I shook my head.

"No understand. I food put?"

The guard rolled his eyes and held up his wrist to the cell's bars.

He pointed to the symbol on the far side of the clock, but I didn't care, as his arm was now in perfect range to grab, pull, and break. 

H For Hope

It was at my lowest point when I took every pill in the cabinet. After some convulsions and the room spinning, I collapsed, and hoped my pain was over.

Instead, I found myself on a rugby field, like the sort I saw in Australia on my gap year. Except the grass was black, the sky was blacker, and there was a figure of white bone in a cloak of the blackest by a football.

"If you score a goal, I will take you."

I stared, then lined it up, ran, and kicked.

I was nowhere near the posts.

Yet again.

G For Grant

We were chilling at Top Shelf's crib when he came in. I knew, instantly, that he was dangerous, but I tried to keep cool.

"Hey boss, this is-"

"The F.N.G. I know. Out, everyone. Except you, newbie."

The other boys bounced as I stared at the man who controlled Southside.

Until he pulled a small roll of bills and flicked it over.

"Consider it a signing bonus."

He left silently. It was a full G, so I took the boys to the Pink Siren for the night.

The following day, I found out it was a test.

That I passed. 

F For Frank

I saw Frank and Diane argue on Friday night at the bar, as much as I wish I hadn't. But it was impossible not to hear every word.

Which made it all the weirder when I walked into the bar on Saturday night to find Frank nursing a double Jack and coke, alone.

I sat down near him and couldn't help myself.

"You couldn't last a day?"

He looked at me, confused.

"Last night, Diane told you she was sick of you being here."

"No she didn't, she told me I should come here every night!"

I explained sarcasm, slowly. 

E For Energy

My flatmate staggered into the apartment, one arm holding a half empty bottle of vodka, the other a half passed out girl. I tried to look calm and awake.

"Evening Eddie. Good party?"

"It was ok. Although I thought you needed to study?"

"I do! The exam is tomorrow!"

"Yet you were asleep when I came in."

Before I could think of a retort, the girl pulled a tiny bag of pills out of her pocket and tossed it over.

"Energy."

"Trust her, she's a medical student!"

Needing to study, I took it.

Then studied the 'colors' for eight hours. 

D For Division

I was trying to fill out my D57-L form when Stacy from Marketing came into my office and, through tears, told me she had to leave the company. I was stunned, but after a few gentle questions got nowhere, I had to agree and began the paperwork.

But later that day, Elena from IT, Janet from Accounting, and Kim from the front desk all tended their resignations, in tears.

And then Richard came in and tended his, whistling, saying his work here was done. Something about sowing division via sowing something else, apparently? I was too busy with the paperwork. 

C For Charlie

In the criminal gang, sorry, in the social club, my job was to divide the cash up according to the current whims of the boss. His mood and his favoritism altered seemingly daily, but there was one constant. No matter how good or bad the take of the day was, Charlie, our guy in blue, only got a hundred bucks.

After a while, I finally got to ask him.  He told it was the perfect amount to spend and not be noticed by anyone.

The way he said this told me he knew the hundred that went missing every day...

B For Broadway

I was speeding a fair amount through the city when I came to a red light. I'd have run it, but the traffic crossing was too heavy, so instead I took the moment to think of what I would say to her when I got there and stopped her leaving. Do I promise to change, or just focus on the good times we'd had? Or, maybe I should remind her of... and it was then that I noticed that the lights weren't changing.

The beehive in the traffic light took her away.

Which turned out to be for the best.

A For Attendance

After the tenth name got no response, I sighed and looked at the roomful of students.

"Look, I'm sure you're all thinking that you're hilarious and that playing a joke on the substitute teacher is the height of comedy, but you're all just wasting your own time. We can't start the lesson until we finish the roll."

I started again, but after the first few names got no response yet again, I glared at the children.

"Seriously?"

One of them spoke.

"Count the names."

I scoffed, then counted them.

"...This class is too crowded.

Which student are you?"

"Anita Bath."

The Five Sisters

The five sisters were different in many ways, but none as much as for what they felt they were here on Earth to do.

The oldest was old fashioned, to boot, but was happy being the wife of a good man and the target of most of his affection.

The youngest had new ideas, but ended up in a similar situation, albeit more for being the reason her partner kept herself alive.

The second sister has a title and a career, the fourth a cause to champion.

And the middle child, she's still working it out.

And yet, she's happiest... 

Sell Block A

I was brought in originally because since all three of them were ex-cons, they were finding it impossible to get funding for their start-up. So I became the figurehead President and CFO in the business, getting the titles and the easy job of taking meetings and fobbing off questions about the business to 'my assistants'.

And things went really well, until one of the founders discovered someone was cooking the books, but killed the wrong other founder.

After he was arrested for that, and the real embezzeler was arrested, I ended up with everything.

But without 'my assistants', it's DOA. 

Target.EXE

The screen flickered constantly, but I had no time for that, as I tried to remember my programming skills from 25 years ago. Because of course the computer controlling the nuclear missile heading towards New York was that old.

I suddenly hit a roadblock, and closed my eyes as I tried to remember how to instigate a cache clear, when I heard the computer switch off.

I opened my eyes to see the idiot private turning the computer back on.

"Screen was buggy, just resetting it."

I went to scream when the screen came on and requested new target data.

Dried Grass Based Spine Fracture

I went to pick up the mug, when it slipped from my hand and smashed on the vinyl tiles beneath me.

I stared at the softly rocking shards of ceramic and remembered hearing of plenty of camel backs broken with many more straws. So many people end up in a spiral of depression, or worse, triggered by a tiny problem.

But I quickly tried to think of the phrase of the opposite, the thin edge of the wedge? The capstone?

Because I tell you what, I've hated that mug for so long, this feels like the start of something good.

Caged Desires

The two fighters circled each other in the cage, as around them the crowd roared for blood, all of them having different reasons for the singular desire.

One of the fighters was doing this in a quest they knew was impossible, trying to earn the love of a father who had never cared for anyone.

The other had a point to prove, to show the world that he knew better than all his former trainers and those who had doubted him.

But the desire for money on behalf of the judges leading to a rigged fight was the important one.

Mount Operation

Every day, he would walk out his front door with a pick and a shovel, and head to the the mountain. And he would climb to the top, and continue to break it down. Stone by stone, pebble by pebble, every day he made the mountain that little bit shorter, that little bit less hard to climb.

Eventually, it became nothing but a hill, that a cart, or horse, or person could easily walk. This meant that the village was now a mile from medical help, not fifty.

Round about 50 years after his wife's trip took too long round. 

Former Property

The former Marine Captain shook her head.

"Well then, it's over. Yeah, ok, we can probably keep hitting these Alien bastards in hit and runs, but the bomber was our last chance of winning this. Unless anyone has a nuke in their back pocket?"

The former Terr-Freedom Fighter shook his head, as did the former Mercenary, the former Bodyguard, and the former Cop.

Then there was a cough from the Cook, who nervously twirled a knife around.

"You ever hear of that nuke the US lost off the coast of Georgia back in the 50's?

Well, I'm a former Diver..."

Waking Up With A Clean Mind

I woke up with a wicked headache, not helped by the constant beeping.

I sat up, the bottle of disinfectant that must have fallen and knocked me out rolling to one side, as I tried to find the light switch. Given how small the room was, this took far longer than it should have.

But when I turned the lights on, I found the beeping coming from what appeared to be a ticking bomb on a shelf.

Without thinking, I grabbed a wire and yanked it out, defusing it.

I got no thanks, since the old me planted it, apparently.

Junction Signals

I was waiting for my train, and since my phone's battery had run out hours ago, I just sat staring across the tracks, bored.

Then she walked onto the platform opposite and sat down right where I was staring. And instantly, I could see up her skirt, and thus see what other clothing she wore, or lack thereof.

Instantly, before I was able to fully process what was happening, my legs were already moving as I stood up and walked to a seat not directly opposite her.

When she then moved and once again sat opposite, other mental processing began.

Wasted Wasteland

After I laid out the proof of her supposedly loyal assistant's actions, she summoned him to her Longhouse. I would have left, but she pleaded with me to stay, as I had shown her that he was dangerous. I agreed, and kept my gun close.

He walked in, cleaning his gun.

"Sorry, just... What's he doing here?"

She shook her head.

"Tell me, did you gather all this evidence yourself, or were others involved?"

I shook my head.

"Just me, I-"

She shot me, and before I passed out, I heard her begin to chew him out for getting sloppy. 

Random Chance

I just wanted to know why my daughter died. I didn't believe the cops when they said it was just a random murder over what was in her purse.

So I hired a private detective, and after a few days, he told me to come to his office to discuss the case. When I arrived, he'd seemingly died of a heart attack.

The next three people I hired to look into it died in equally supposedly random ways.

Eventually, when no-one else would take the job, I searched myself, and soon discovered just how easily random deaths could be caused. 

Suggestive Minds

The ideal spy is one that doesn't know they're a spy. Someone who performs their tasks without knowing what they're doing, oblivious to their own actions.

That's why every major power has spent more than you'd think on trying to develop psychic powers in people and even more in hypnosis research. Being able to snatch information out of someone's head, or have them act subconsciously, that's the goal.

But until then, all we have are targets who are just stupid enough to believe that their nieces and/or nephews are really interested in how all the super secret stuff works. 

Tree Of Time

The tree had stood since the dawn of existence, according to the local legends. This was obviously nonsense to men and women of science, but any attempt to study the large, abnormal tree beyond simple observation led to swift and aggressive complaint from those who believed the local legends.

So, I spent two years integrating myself into the local community, learning and building rapport with key members, and produced a plan to study it properly they agreed upon.

And so, proudly, early one morning, I began to study with a simple core sample.

Which showed it wasn't actually a tree. 

Crossing The Bar

The two of them sat in the same chairs every night at the bar. Him three from the left, her two from the right. They'd sit there from around 6 till the bar closed, drinking their G&Ts and hard ciders respectively.

I noticed that, while other regulars would chat and joke with both, they never interacted. Once I was accepted into the group (buying a round for everyone after a win on the lottery helps alot on getting accepted) i asked what the deal was, assuming they were exs or something.

Turns out he thinks cider sucks, and the reverse.

So Rarely Have Guests

So there i was, clutching the Ascension Cup tightly against my chest as Hosting showed my around where the Gods lived. Most of them seemed to be focused on their own things, although Knowledge and Memory both stared at me over their thick books.

As I gingerly stepped around Drunkeness'... excretions on the floor, Hosting gestured to a table in the corner of the room.

"And here is the game table."

I eagerly looked at the board, seeing it was the world.

And then I looked at the players.

A dozen versions of Chance looked back at me, dice rattling.