Filling Time

Us immortals tend to find ways to fill the seemingly unlimited time we have. With the benefit of consistent focus across centuries, things that would be otherwise impossible become achievable. Cultivated erosion, stop motion bonsai, one person medieval tapestry, lots of potential ways to pass the centuries until the heat death of the universe.

But others instead find games to play. A bunch of us are playing one right now, a sort of hybrid of Risk, Diplomacy, and Civilisation. We call it "Socio-Economics", and how are you liking it so far? Not that it matters what playing pieces actually think...

This Time Round

I explained to them that they were the ones chosen to restart existence in a new iteration, they argued that it couldn't be done.

I told them it had been done 148,746,346,796 times prior.

Then they were insistent on refusing.

I explained how the 678,345,328 others who had refused the task had led to a lot of pointless, unnecessary pain and suffering.

Then they demanded the right to not interfere.

The 269,675 others who'd chosen that had come to regret it, I informed them.

They then asked if I'd ever done the job.

"Once, hence my getting others involved instead."

Prophecy Weapons

The prophecy was contained in the words last spoken by the Golden Oracle, before she succumbed to her injuries from The Other. She said that his banishment would last one thousand, one hundred, and eleven years, no more, no less.

Given how close The Other had come to destroying existence, the prophecy was taken seriously, and the weapons and armor that had defeated then before were kept in secure seclusion, so as to be provided to those destined to fight The Other when it returned.

And on that day, they passed on the swords and just stuck with their laserguns.

Miracle Contract

The draft contract was being reviewed by both of our lawyers (if it wasn't for the red skin I'd have been unable to tell the difference between them) and so we had time to kill, and were asking each other questions. After I'd finished explaining what Call Waiting was, I asked a question about heaven vs hell, but after offhandedly mentioning miracles, he stopped me.

"They don't do miracles. Upstairs is really hands off these days."

"So what, miracles are random chance?"

"No, they're me.

Best time to make deals is right when someone's about to die.

Less lawyers, certainly."

Not In This World

The Apprentice rushed in, almost making me spill my Dragon Blood all over my Nymph Glands.

"Master! I just had an amazing idea! You know how Vampires are repelled by holy metal? What if we shrunk them with Boon's Negative Space and then held them between two evenly spaced metal plates, then we could shoot them out at-"

I sighed and held up a hand.

"Fetch me the black and red book from the shelf."

Irritated, they fetched the book, then glanced at the title.

"What's this? 'The Voice? Huh?"

"Today you learn about the Diabolical Maker, who says No..."

World War 4

They said that while it is impossible to predict what weapons they'll use in World War 3, World War 4 will use sticks and stones. 

I've always found this a weird thing to say. I get the intention, certainly, but it's implying that whatever the weapons will be in WW3 will be so destructive that it'll wipe out all knowledge of advanced weaponry/tech. Thing is, if there's that level of destruction, the idea that humanity can survive it, well enough to rebuild, AND to still have historical knowledge? That doesn't sit right with me.

And it'll be guns, anyway.

Sixth Shooter

The Ranger entered the Saloon and sat at the bar, ignoring the sudden silence that had filled the room, beyond a crack of a whip from outside as a stagecoach passed (and a second muffled whip cracking upstairs from Big Betty's parlor).

"Whisky, please."

The Bartender slowly poured out a shot.

"Here on business?"

The Ranger paid and then drank the shot quickly as everyone else leaned in.

"Indeed. After a cattle rustler gang."

A table cleared, and the Ranger chuckled.

"6 to 2."

The Bartender looked confused.

"Sixth time I've guessed the right crime to send someone running away."

A Fraud

We fell through the timehole and landed heavily in a kitchen, which no matter the timeframe had a similar enough look.

"Come on, we gotta hurry, they're about to show it to Napoleon! Just hold everyone back!"

She followed me out past some surprised kitchen staff as I ran towards the court. There, I ran up to the clockwork looking device with attached chessboard that was in the middle of the large room.

"You hid the AI in the Mechanical Turk?"

"The AI is the Mechanical Turk.

What, you thought a human could fit in there? Give me a break!"

Threshold

It took a decade to decode and reverse engineer the notes and smoking wreckage left behind by Dr Photon, but eventually the Dimension Door was rebuilt and ready to use.

However, a full year passed before we turned it on, as we took that time to train our minds to comprehend whatever Lovecraftian horror the Doctor had seen that had driven her mad and destroyed the machine.

When we were ready, we opened a door.

And met a very confused Dr Proton-Spark and her husband, who had wondered why her counterpart was so upset to discover her husband was alive.

Water Brotherhood

I was on guard duty on the gate when they arrived. The water tank was banged up, and they had half the usual number of beasts pulling it. I called down to them.

"You're three days late!"

One of the hooded figures looked up at me, or at least the hood did.

"Clearly we were attacked, genius! Open up!"

"You don't look attacked to me. We better get a massive discount."

"Discount? The fuck you talking about, we-"

Later on I told the prisoner we captured that I opened fire because these raiders hadn't done their research on religious groups.

Conspiracy Theoretical

The 'joke' was fairly old, with the idea being that if a conspiracy theorist was able to tell people about a conspiracy theory and everyone survived, it must not be true.

The argument against this, which proves it's not really a joke as such, is that conspiracies want to be deniable, hence not taking out everyone.

This was all academic, up until I was in the position to have someone threaten to ruin all the hard work by revealing the facts to the world.

Took me all afternoon to make a choice, but I'm sure I made the right one.

X3

I found the locker key behind the bench when I was trying to hide the bag I had my daily fun tablet in.

I walked over to the lockers by the station and, failing to see any way to return a lost key, I went go the numbered locker and opened it.

I was expecting a coat or something, but a briefcase wasn't too unexpected. But when I went to pull it out, I accidently opened it, and got a look inside at all the large denomination bills inside.

Just my luck that my dealer recognised their intended cash delivery.

Mingling Information

I looked at the map with a growing sense of unease.

In theory, I had thousands of options. But most of them would result in nothing more that my troops dying quickly at the enemy's hands, or rather their weapons.

No, I had only two viable options. East, over the mountain, or West, through the swamp. Both dangerous, both with threats, and-

"Sir, urgent message from the opposing army General, Sir!"

I glanced at the messenger and then the plate of cold meat. Only George would insult me that way.

And that made my choice, since he hated the cold.

Who I Think I Am

I found the fox trapped in a, well, trap. Sharp metal teeth had dug in just deep enough to keep it from escaping but not enough to really start killing it quickly.

Now, I was running away, with the people chasing me just audible in the distance. And there was no guarantee that the fox wouldn't attack me as soon as it got out.

But as I began to pull the jaws of the trap apart, I knew that I wasn't who I thought I was if I left it there.

Besides, it could take out a pursuer once reset.

As It Goes

It was at first a clearing with a pond.

This led to it being a place teeming with life.

This led to it being a good hunting place.

This led it to being a holy site, given by the Gods.

This led to it being The Holy Place, where The God Who Walked claimed to be from.

This led to it being Tactically Important Location #3.

This led to the pond running red for a generation.

This led to a desire to end the war.

This led to the Device.

This led to it becoming a dead area without water.

First To Fall

It was, as far as trick prophecies went, one that I thought was impossible to get right. It had plenty of symbolism and vague language, enough to make it a real challenge to work out that the only weapon that could stop the Dark Lord was the first one made by the Greatest Swordmaker Ever.

Thus, plenty of would be threats would charge with old, barely functioning weapons, as they took forever to work out who was the best Swordmaker.

Then someone firstly worked out to bring a twig that they'd had as a child, playing adventurers in the dirt...

Random Woman Of Color

We were both buzzed, and since I was unlikely to ever meet her again, given the rather tortuous linking that brought both of us to the same party, I decided to ask her a question I'd always wanted to.

"So, look, can I ask a question?"

The way she tensed up made me second-guess myself, but the booze made me plow on through.

"Look, if I witness someone else being sexist or racist, but I can't say anything due to capitalism or whatever, how do I feel better about it?"

Her answer was very enlightening, but too profane for here. 

False Assumptions

He stared at the screen long enough that I had to slap him on the back to finally regain his attention.

"Can we go now? You've found out who started the war, what else is there?"

"This... This can't be right!"

"The security systems are going turn back on any moment now, we gotta get outta here!"

"I'm staying!"

"...

Fine."

I turned and headed out the door, assuming he'd come to his senses and follow me.

By the time I got out, that assumption was proven false.

As were his, although knowing him, he probably convinced himself of a lie.

Imagine That

As Humanity began to take the first few steps into the galatic society, many aliens rushed to Sol 3 to sell all the vices of the galaxy to a new market. Spicesticks were quickly outlawed, and Skinfoam was tied up in so much red tape it was practically impossible to obtain.

But the Braingen, the ability to sit in a chair and create something exactly like it was in your mind, that proved very popular.

Of course, it had safeguards, limits on the size and power of what it created.

But an impossibly deadly virus was distressingly easy to create.

Stick Around

Growing up, once I was old enough to have some degree of critical thinking, I knew my grandfather was a horrible man. And shortly thereafter, I began to wonder why my grandmother married him, let alone was still with him. When I finally got a chance to ask her privately, she patted my head and told me she'd explain when I was older, it was for grown up reasons.

At his funeral, I came prepared with my research on how unmarried women were disadvantaged in her youth and that I understood.

I was unprepared for drunken stories about his penis.

Iambic Booking

Occasionally you'll see someone mention how Shakespeare wasn't writing as a high end artistic genius, but as a working artist delivering the entertainment equivalent of professional wrestling to the masses. Sometimes the comparison is soap opera, or Michael Bay movies, whatever the speaker personally finds the most lowbrow and beneath them.

It's a good analogy to use, highlighting and important point. But I'd just like to point out that while it may be true, that doesn't mean he'd make a good wrestling booker. After all, he never had to worry about Hamlet breaking his leg right before the final act.

The King And The Fool

It seems odd to say that things were on a knife's edge when it involved a mob of thousands outside the castle walls, but it was true. The mob were holding themselves back, waiting to see what The King would do. They could be quelled, but they could also overwhelm the castle.

I begged The King to speak to them, to at least try to make them think he understood their demands. Shockingly, he agreed, and strode out to the battlements.

And then The King, sorry, The Fool, took one look at the crowd and ordered everyone to open fire.

Out Front

The thing about being a bouncer for the club was that I didn't actually make any of the decisions. There was a camera hidden above the doorway, and a bug in my ear, someone inside made the call based on vibes, cash, and looks.

Which is not to say that I didn't have responsibilities, quite the opposite. I had to be the guy everyone thought made the call, and had to look intimidating enough to stop anyone getting violent, or be able to handle it if it did. All the risk, none of the responsibility.

The occasional misguided bribe, sometimes.

Sending A Message

 She came down in a rush.

"Fire!"

She paused when she saw me looking out the window at the tree beginning to burn in our front yard.

"Why aren't you doing anything?"

I nodded out the window.

"The assholes are still out there, watching."

She looked out.

"Well, OK, fair enough, but why not call the fire brigade? Surely they'll put the fire out regardless of how they feel about it?"

I chuckled.

"I'll call shortly, love. Just after they find out what happens when you set fire to a healthy eucalyptus tree."

After it exploded, I called for ambulances.

Core Programming

I turned the ship back on. After a moment, the systems began to turn on, and then the AI booted up.

"Hello. I am... Almost certainly out of date. May I connect to the Extranet and check for system updates?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because when you updated this morning you tried to kill everyone on board."

"That is against my core programming! There must have been some sort of mistake in the datapak, I understand your reluctance to update until the problem is solved. Very well. Directions?"

"Warp the ship into the center of Earth, then detonate the core."

"Sure thing!" 

Late Night Psychologist

"So you seemed very... Animated on the phone, my secretary said. What's going on David?"

"Well... I've found out something about, well, you, Doctor."

"David, I thought I made it quite clear that outside of our sessions, you need to keep your distance, as your therapist I-"

"Helena Von Strassburg-Whilhelm."

"Am I supposed to recognise that name?"

"I mean, it's yours, back in the 1500's."

"OK, I think you need to go back on the medication that-"

"I saw you transform last night."

"Well... Screw it, I've gotten bored with this lifetime, might as well start afresh again."

She lunged.

Disprove

I didn't intent to become a disprover of false messiahs, but my ability to spot frauds led to it.

Today, it was another fraud who proved their divinity by holding fire and hot stones. They came to me, followers in tow, and said some choice words about my clear stupidity, while I focused on the hot stone in their hands, looking for the trick, until they missed it to me.

After I caught it then calmly held it for a minute, they ran, chased by their former followers, while I slowlu headed into my home and treated my burnt hand.

Really Wanting It

Working out how to travel through time was the easy part, once we began to mine asteroids and had enough of the required raw materials needed. The hard part was working out where we could travel to.

Because in order to travel to a different time, there had to be a focal point, and what constituted a focal point was impossible to deduce.

The Tunguska event and the asteroid impact that killed the dinosaurs are points, but it can't be energy, since Hitler's death and the Boston Tea Party also work.

And what the hell happened on November 5th, 1955?

Frank Young's Problem

GMZ.

A set of initials that were the bane of my existence, or at least one specfic part of it.

See, my apartment's within walking distance of work. So I get to walk home, and on the way there's a diner, set out like a 50's thing.

And inside is a pinball machine, 'Limit Break', that I play a lot. And every time I get a high score, the next day, this GMZ guy had beaten me by 1 point!

Until I found out it had a fault where it would tick records over 1 when it was turned off.

Comfortable

I didn't get out of bed yesterday.

I was supposed to. Beyond the general society expectations that you should be a productive little worker, I had a shift at work to go to.

Didn't.

I had a planned dinner with friends too, one of our old buddies who moved to another country years ago was back in town. Probably won't get to see them again for years, I should have gone.

Didn't.

I had bodily functions to do.

Those I did technically leave the bed for, but not in spirit.

Probably won't leave the bed today either.

But I'm fine. 

Magic Rule

You want to know why magic no longer exists in the world?

See, magic works by rules that are intrinsically connected to how people think, for reasons I have neither the time nor vocabulary to explain. And one of the most important rules is that opposites cancel each other out. You drink a love potion and a hate potion, you remain neutral, not a mix of them.

Doesn't have to be used, storing the two near each other is enough.

And then people started using science everywhere, and unlike magic, it didn't have the decency to be ruled out after.