Happy Arbitrary Time Division Turning Over Point

At Williamson, Ramsbottom & Williamson, the new intern had put in for a couple days off, and was called into Mr. Williamson’s office to explain himself.

“It’s New Years, sir.”

The only sound was the clock ticking the seconds away.

“So? What is so special about an arbitrary time division turning over point?” came the reply.

“It’s not arbitrary!”

“Young man it is indeed.”

“No it’s not! It takes about 365 days for the Earth to rotate around the sun!”

The lawyer took a long, slow breath.

“The celebration of the turning over point is the arbitrary part, young man…”

Revelations

Everything he had ever known was a lie.

Well, not everything. Breathing in and out, eating, sleeping, that was all still valid. But he had lived his life by the teachings, he had believed with all his heart and mind that the Scriptures were true. They had to be, they made sense of the world.

Until he proved them wrong with a simple machine, he looked at the stars and found the writings wrong.

Some might have gone mad. Some might have gotten angry.

Instead, he gathered his tools, and set out.

He had a world of knowledge to rebuild.

Aesop 2.0: 5. Dave The Blue Whale

Dave the Blue Whale was proud that all the ocean’s creatures new him. From oyster to shark, everyone heard his song and knew who he was. He would brag that everyone was his friend since everyone knew his name and heard him sing. But then one day, as he swam and sang, Dave was harpooned by human hunters. And despite his calls and cries for help, no-one came to help him, no-one came to his rescue. As he was pulled out of the ocean, they just found another whale to listen to.

“Do not confuse number of ‘Friends’ with Friendship.”

Jill Of All Trades

“Alexandria Jillette, Jill of all trades! I have heard you need assistance good barkeep and I am here to answer your prayers! As a bard by training I can sing, dance, play over thirty instruments, act, tell jokes or even perform more adult entertainment services for a negotiable price!

My skills also extend to running a bar, keeping accounts, cooking for one to one thousand, or anything else a bar could have want or need for!”

The barkeep stared at her for a long beat.

“I just need someone to muck out the stables.”

Another beat.

“I can do that!”

The Feelings You Feel

“Hey, you do those… Shabble things, right?”

“They’re called Drabbles, but yes. So?”

“You should totally do one on how this song is stupid.”

I listened for a few seconds.

“It sounds like just another generic pop song to me.”

“Well it is, but the starting line! ‘Love is the feeling you feel’! I mean, come on!”

I thought for a moment.

“OK, it’s a stupid line, but-“

“Stupid? I mean, like what else would it be? The feeling you smell? Come on!”

“But look, my writing is more fiction, I-“

“Do you want to keep dating?”

“…

Yes dear.”

Ho Ho Ho

It was a good enough life, especially once the internet came along. She lived on the island closest to the international date line, the last place on Earth it would be a date. And for 364 days, she was left alone.

But on that one day of the year, she paid her rent.

She heard the sleigh land, and composed herself. Checking her reflection, she headed out to meet him.

She bowed, then passed him the bat. She went back inside and covered her ears as he took to the lifelike models of children she had spent all year building.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

After a while, the fire truck arrived. Brett felt there was far too much discussion before a ladder was raised.

“Morning! I’m Joe, and you are?” said the female fire-fighter that climbed the ladder.

“Brett… Partridge.” he managed.

Behind the helmet he saw the smile.

“Yes yes, I’m a partridge in a pear tree, very funny, now please can you get me out of here?”

“Sorry, sorry, here we go…” she said, failing to hold back a laugh as she reached out to grab him.

Then the branch broke.

She caught him.

And they became a pair out of that…