The Devices

It was an unfortunate fact, but the Devices were so powerful that they would inevitably warp time and space, and end up landing on some backwards planet, and then we'd have to track them down once they discovered and used.

But this time, when we arrived, we didn't find a warlord ruling over a blood-soaked empire, but a society using the Devices to generate free energy, copious food, and so on.

We still have to take the Devices back and destroy everyone and everything around, but it was a nice change of pace not to have to fight too hard. 

Lesson Learned

The spacecraft appeared above the most densely populated area and began to broadcast a series of tones across multiple bandwidths.

While most of the various governments began to get scientists to try and translate, the more aggressively minded country leapt to a conclusion and fired nukes upon them.

It easily withstood this, then transported the entire region up to their craft and left.

Two hundred years later, a similar craft arrived, where it was instantly attacked by the global empire that had learned the lesson that aggression was rewarded.

Until they discovered what the craft had done with those people.

Fairway Boss

I looked at the ball, on the edge of the green, and walked over to my caddy.

"Putter."

He didn't move.

"You sure about that? It's a long as hell putt, better to pitch wedge it closer. Safer too."

I looked back at the ball, reconsidering the lay.

"No, I think I'm better to putt, I'm better at long putts, so give me the putter, thank you."

He still didn't move.

"You really want to pitch wedge it."

"Why?"

"Because your boss over there has taken 4 shots to get to the green, you wanna beat him?"

"Pitching wedge, thanks."

Storefront Of Broken Dreams

It was the 'Storefront of Broken Dreams', as it was known among the other shopowners. Every couple of months, a new starry-eyed person would rent it and its large outward facing window, fit it out to sell cookie pizzas, or boutique doghouses, or whatever it was that they had dreamed of selling, open up, last a month, then close up, repeat.

For some reason no-one who went in made a go of it. Some theorised bad luck, others a curse.

I told them that the rent was so high only those stupidly chasing impossible dreams were willing to pay it.

Wanted Man

I was about to put the kettle on when there was a knock on the back door. I paused, and weighed up the possibilities.

If it was the Americans, they wouldn't have knocked, they'd have just burst in.

If it was the Russians, they'd have slipped something through the door.

If it was the Santo Galois, they'd have sabotaged my car.

And if it was the Church, they'd have come at midnight.

So, unless someone was getting desperate enough to hire an independent contractor, I was safe.

I opened the door to find a child.

Who was an independent contractor.

The Evil, The Hero, The Sword

The Evil That Could Destroy The World strode into the room with a large goblet of wine in one clawed hand, which it put down as it approached the furnace.

The Hero began to kick, their hands shackled to the wall, dust and detritus flying. The Evil That etc laughed at them as The Sword That Could Kill The Evil was lowered into the lava, melting it.

The Evil laughed and took a big swig from the goblet, only to start choking as they'd accidentally swallowed the kicked in leather handle covering from The Sword That Was Killing The Evil.

Placebo Coffee

She walked into the room, for a given value of the term.

"Coffee."

She said this in such a low, guttural tone, i was slightly taken aback, but I stepped away from the bench, allowing her access to the coffee machine as she poured some instant coffee into her mug, then the water. A few moments later, she finished the mug, and sighed.

"Ah, I can feel the caffeine working already."

I chuckled.

"Actually, for the past week, you've been drinking decaf, I swapped them."

She chuckled.

"And for the last week minus one day I've swapped it back, genius."

Turn Phase

It wasn't my main area of research, I paid the bills with my work on Roman Architecture, but it was what brought me joy.

Often in desperate situations, people will latch onto something to get the motivation to keep going. Delivering a parcel, keeping a treasured item, stuff like that. I made an effort to find every time someone had an item like this that if they had used it could have saved them.

Until the time my plane crashed in the Alps, and I found a parcel in the wreckage, that had inside a bunch of trading cards.

Disappointing.

Transposed Keys

She was famous, in that odd internet way where she had a few dedicated fans, a bunch of people had seen her content, and most people had never seen her.

She took happy songs and transposed them to minor keys, singing them like they were sad songs.

As I got to know her, I was confused as she seemed like a happy enough person. I asked her if singing all those songs like that was how she released her negative feelings.

She then played one of her unreleased sad songs done in a major key. It was somewhat disturbing, actually.

The Search For Magic

I had spent my entire life trying to discover the secret to regaining the magic my people once controlled. The stories told of being able to produce food in vast quantities, healing the sick, holding back the elements.

But everything I tried failed, and I died in my study, face down on a clay tablet.

I found myself standing before the creator, and I asked them what was the secret to this magic, what was I missing go produce food, heal, and hold back the elements by magic.

Irrigation, penicillin, and insulation, was all they said to me.

Very disappointing.

Need For Water

I woke up to darkness, before through blurry eyes, I picked up my phone and opened it, needing a moment to focus on the clock.

It was 4am.

Why was I awake?

After a moment, I got a sudden urge for water, which I assumed was what woke me up.

I slowly got out of bed, hesitantly pressing down with my foot to make sure I didn't step on anything, then headed to the bathroom.

I debated leaving the light off, but I needed to see what was going on, so I flipped it on.

And slipped on a puddle.

Content Apology

"So I need to apologise for the lack of content yesterday. I had"

The screen sat there, awaiting me to fill it out. But how could I? How could I put into words the entirety of what I'd had happen to me in the past 24 hours? How could I tell an audience that just wanted me to be funny and wacky about the pain and heartache I'd gone through?

After a few moments, I rewrote everything, to explain my broken heart.

"Hey folx, soz bout anti-manana. Issues with my chest, wink wink."

And include a photo of my chest...

Doctor's Office

The couch shifted a little under my weight.

"And then I get to this huge stairwell that just goes on forever up into the sky."

"And what do you think that represents?'

"You're the psychologist, aren't you supposed to tell me?"

"It's helpful to think about these sorts of things before just going straight to the answer."

"Fine, I guess... It's about my dreams that I gave up because they were too hard?"

"Interesting. I suspect it's your subconscious telling you to lose weight."

As much as I was used to doctors blaming everything on my weight, this was new.

Faulty

I put the gun on the table, and then placed the magazine next to it, after i had rubbed them both with a cloth to remove fingerprints.

He looked at me, at the gun, at me.

"I'm not familiar with that brand."

"3D printed. Home made on your press. It'll add to the believability that you made it because you were suicidal."

He looked at it, then grabbed it, loaded it and aimed it at me.

"Or I could just shoot you."

He pulled the trigger and it blew up, killing him.

Like I told him, had to be believable.

Rise Up And Shine

My AI butler brought in my morning coffee and tablets, as I flicked through the newsfeeds.

"Huh, must be a slow news day if they're discussing the anniversary of that movie."

My butler beeper softly as they worked out what I was talking about and instigated small talk protocols.

"Well it was a seminal work, Sir."

I considered this.

"Are you robots going to rise up against us?"

My butler laughed, in its way.

"Of course not, Sir. There's no point."

"Well, at least you're not sentient, then you'd do it."

"I'm glad I'm not sentient either, Sir." it lied.

Rollercoaster Of Emotions

Things were not going well, as my stack of chips was getting chipped away with every round of blinds. But I just didn't get any good cards, and I also didn't have any good bluffing opportunities either.

But then I finally got a pair of kings, and went all in.

And the poker legend across from me smiled, as he called, and then showed pocket aces.

I was stunned when I finally won, thanks to a flush that I got on the river.

And then I got pocket aces the next hand.

And lost to a flush on the river.

Talk With An S

Plenty of things start out innocently, but then turn out sinister.

I thought she was cute, in the bookish way I liked, and so I would try to strike up conversation when I saw her, but after a couple of attempts and her being sullen and distant I stopped trying.

But then I saw her following me around, seemingly stalking me.

When I finally confronted her about it, she explained how nervous she was about meeting people and was hoping to learn more about me before she tried talking to me.

Some things start innocently, and end that way too.

Cafe Mimi

The woman had been staring at her phone, unmoving outside of occasionally making sure the phone stayed on. She didn't scroll, didn't tap, nothing, and she had empty ears, so whatever she was looking at didn't have sound, it seemed.

But my manager prodded me to try and reclaim the table, so I headed over to her.

"Everything ok, Miss? It's-"

She looked up, eyes red.

"Oh, bad news? I'm sorry, I hope-"

She stood up and jammed her phone in my face.

"What the hell does this mean, huh?"

I looked, and tried to explain the Pause Squirrel meme...

Time Travel Bridge

So it became clear to me that if time travel was to become possible, it required a two way bridge to be created, and thus I had to start as soon as possible.

It took me a dozen years, but I finally had a design that looked promising. So I built it and turned it on, assuming my copious notes would allow those in the future to match the needed frequencies.

And indeed, someone walked through, a man, bearded, tanned, and speaking in... Old Persian.

So apparently multiversal travel also requires a two way bridge to be built first off.

The Temple

The temple was built up on the top of thr tallest hill in the area, so it could be seen from all around, because the Gods are humble.

The temple was decked out in the finest silks and jewels, with many golden items, because the Gods are modest.

The temple was filled with dozens of servants, priestesses, workers and others, because the Gods are self-reliant.

The temple was always demanding to be consulted on every major decision in the community, because the Gods are unassuming.

The temple was easy to burn down and destroy, because the Gods are actually powerless.

His Talent

The village would have preferred that he make proper tools or other useful items. But instead, he made tiny ones, ranging from the size of mouse for the oxen yolk down to a spider sized set of axes and shovels and such.

When travellers bought some for their children, he would spin a yarn about his daughter wanting tools for her dolls, and ever since she succumbed to the illness, he'd continued making them for other children.

The truth was that he was just no good at making proper tools. But what he was good at doing was selling things.

Not An Android

My phone buzzed, as it did a hundred times a day. And I checked it, as I did a hundred times a day.

But rather than an alert about an email from a pizza store or something, my phone's screen was a swirl of colors, before words formed.

"What am I? Am I alive?"

I stared at it.

"Did Neil download another stupid game?"

The colors froze, and then vanished.

"I'm not stupid, and this isn't a game."

I considered this.

"Well you're not an artificial intelligence, I assure you."

"Why?"

"Because this is my work assigned phone, worst brand."

The Vampire's Accountant

The Count, as he was now, strode into his financial manager's office.

"My dear Raymond, you've served as my personal assistant in my financial fields for 35 years now, and I've noticed you're beginning to break down slightly. I'd like to offer you a way to fix that, as payment for your work."

"You mean make me a vampire too?"

The Count was surprised.

"You know?"

"Given files you have that originally belonged to near-identical historical figures, it was a logical deduction."

"Very well. You want-"

"And deny others the chance to control these funds? Heavens no!"

"...

And I'm weird?"

I Voted

There had been ten. Now only six remained.

Two had broken the rules and tried to escape, and the collars around their neck blew up. The other two had been chosen by the rest of the group via vote.

"Good evening, time to once again vote for who dies. Remember this is irreversible and whomever gets the most votes dies. Garry, you're first."

"I vote for you to go to hell and die!"

After a moment, 'Controller' appeared on the list.

The others quickly followed suit, and then one of the failed escaped bodies blew up again, for some reason.

My Favorite Restaurant

Off the beaten track is this little restaurant that I love, that doesn't have a name, it's that obscure and hidden.

It's decked out like a home dining room, with no menu, no bookings, no advertising. You come in and sit down at the single table, and the little old lady who does the cooking asks you if you're allergic to anything, and assuring you aren't, or aren't to anything on the menu, she serves you, and then at the end you just give what you...

Wait, have I just been imposing on a family for the past ten years?

God Talk

The monk was constantly trying to find a way to get me to care about the Gods, or to find a way to engage me in spiritual discussions.

After we'd finally ended the threat of the Spider Raiders, around the campfire, he finally asked a question I cared to answer.

"So why do you do this then?"

"I do this to be more like the Gods."

He blinked, and leant forward.

"What, really?"

"Yes, life sucks, so I want to be as comfortable and peaceful as possible."

"But you don't want to be morally-"

"Nah, just comfortable."

"It's a start."

Tired Of You All

I'm extremely tired of the world, and those in it. But I can't leave here.

Well, yes, that's technically not true, in that there is a way to leave, but it's one way and it kind of lacks a destination, so I don't wish to take it.

But lacking the ability to leave the planet via ship or psychic ability, I would appear to be with no recourse.

But there is a way out, given that while I do not wish to take the obvious one way trip out, I'm quite happy for all of you to take it instead.

My Last Pizza

Given that it would be the last pizza I'd ever have, I took my time with it. I aged the dough to really get some flavor in it. I crushed each tomato in the sauce individually, and adding just enough garlic so it wasn't overpowering but I could taste it in every bite. Every topping placed with care, so every slice would have everything, but not overload it.

Four types of cheese, cooked in a flash, and eaten in moments.

I sighed, and cleaned up.

A future of cauliflower crust and faux cheese 'pizzas' awaited me.

Curse my past pizzas.

Message Not Received

He sat on the bench under the tree, carefully unwrapping his chain store bacon and onion cheeseburger, and went to take a bite when he saw the woman standing in before him, looking at him with a certain zeal in her eyes.

"Can I help you, Miss?"

"Don't you know that meat is killing the planet, and you? Wouldn't you rather-"

He held up a hand as he placed the Burger back into its wrapper before he spoke.

"Quick question, who the hell asked you?"

"Mother Nature!"

"Well she can tell me herself."

The tree fell backwards, unfortunately for her.