L3M0N

As far as pieces of crap cars went, it was middle of the field. The paintwork had scratches, but no missing bits. The windows didn't work, but the aircon did, kinda. It was a couple decades old, but not enough to be vintage. It worked, but needed a minute to warm up.

Most everyone assumed I just couldn't afford a better one, but the fact was, I used it as a litmus test. If you made a comment, you were either a car person, or you thought I'd care about your opinion.

And I really hate talking about bloody cars.

Scouting Ahead

The first contact with extraterrestrial beings was going fairly well, until they asked a question through their translation device.

"Why do you say this is first contact? What happened to our previous emissary?"

There was a brief pause as the humans all looked at each other.

"You mean the one 70 revolutions or so ago, in Roswell?"

"No?"

The humans blinked.

"100 cycles ago, in Russia, there was an explosion-"

"No, not then."

"...

Jesus Christ???"

"No, the advance scout last week!"

We eventually tracked them down in Ibiza, where they were having a fun time, which helped smooth things over.

Weighted Choices

I moved as quickly as I could, while remaining silent, and got into the car before any of the zombies could get me.

Yes, I know that's not what we're supposed to call them, but really, dead brain eaters, what else do we call them?

As I thought about my next move, I saw that the keys were still in the ignition.

I had a choice. If the car worked, I could drive away. But if it stalled, I'd just draw attention. I weighed up my options.

I turned the key.

My inability to drive should have had more weight.

Spotting The Problem

You can see the problem fairly easily.

I'm unhappy, as I don't have any real love in my life, at best just acquaintances that tolerate me.

So I try the methods that society tells me to. I go out and try to meet people, I join clubs, go to bars, everything.

And eventually, I find someone.

And things go ok, at first. But then, inevitably, because I'm not used to this, I fuck up, they leave, and I'm back at square one.

So you see the problem, right?

What? No, not my problem, the problem of all these people sucking.

The Twins

The twins had been running through the forest for what felt like hours, until they stumbled upon a cottage hidden behind some mossy stones.

They'd have kept running, but the delicious smell coming from it made their stomachs growl, and they slowly approached.

As they reached the door, it opened, and an ancient looking woman in black looked at them.

"Are you the witch?" The girl asked.

"That's what some people call me. They're right, in a way.

"Do you eat people?"

"That's what some people say. They're wrong."

The twins missed her mumble "in a way" under her breath.

3, 2, 1

As she began the take-off procedure and pulled away from the spacedock, he looked at the box and then back at her.

"You do realise that the entire Citystation will be after us now, yes?"

"I do, but I also realise three other things.

One, it'll take a few minutes for the various powerful people to realise I don't work for any of them.

Two, this Citystation was built over centuries, piecemeal, hence the wildly different sections joined by several, but not many, linking chambers."

Explosion reports flashed on the screen.

"And Three, Crazy Boc'la-Ack had discounted shape charges today."

Grieving The Future

How long do you grieve the future?

Time will continue, probably, there will be a day after today, and another, a future still exists.

But the future I expected, it wasn't grand or spectacular. Things would mostly stay calm, progress would be slow, too slow, but it would at least happen.

That's gone now.

And what's worse, is that I, we, have gone through this before. We survived, many didn't, but at least we thought we had learned, and would do better now and in the future.

But here we are. And here we will remain.

If we are lucky.

Do It Yourself

 "Strike 2!"

He tapped his bat against his cleats, less to knock off any dirt and more to give himself something to do while he tried to ignore the crowd.

While he knew the "loaded bases, 2 outs, bottom of the ninth" cliche wasn't nearly as common in real life as it was in the movies, it still happened occasionally. Like, right now.

He stepped up to the plate and tried to focus, tried to drown out the fans and-

"Ball 4, walk!"

He blinked, as he realised he'd disassociated. But hey, now it was up to...

Gary.

Fucking hell.

The Rainman Test

The tech-heads told me that they'd run every test to make sure that no-one could crack the code, even the 'Rainman' test. I asked what that one was.

Apparently they made up a message to ring a number for a prize in the code and stuck it in some puzzle magazine, with a fake answer in the back.

And no-one had called, so they advised that we could go ahead and use it.

Unfortunately, they didn't think of how maybe someone who could crack it wasn't allowed near a phone, just given puzzle books and dull crayons to write with.

Forced Choice

I poisoned both glasses, switched them around a few times, then turned back and placed one in front of him, and one in front of me.

"I see you're a fan of the classics."

"Guilty as charged. Now pick one."

He sighed, and looked at them for a long moment, then grabbed both, poured one into the other, and then swirled it together before placing it back on the table.

He watched me for a long moment as I glanced between the glass and him.

"You're not worried, so they were both poisoned."

"Well done. I still have the gun."

Vanilla

The Madam entered the small meeting room and looked at him slightly puzzled.

"May I ask why you came here?'

He looked at her, equally puzzled.

"I thought it was obvious, you-"

"Let me rephrase, why this establishment? I have complete faith in my girls, but we here at Corde Pliée usually cater to clients with unusual and particular tastes, hence our prices. If you want 'vanilla sex', which is perfectly valid, I can recommend cheaper..."

She trailed off when she saw what was in his bag.

"Oh, food play, you'll want Diamond, I'll go get her now for you."

Preparing For The Worst

I poured half the bottle into the giant plastic cup, tossed in a few ice cubes, and then sat down at my computer.

I placed my hand on the mouse, then let go and grabbed the cup and knocked back a few gulps of the barely cooled liquor.

After the burning subsided, I went back to the house and managed to open the email program before I needed a few more gulps.

I managed to force myself to move to the email and open it without any more booze.

"Hello Robert, we're happy to offer you-"

I threw up, happily.

Meaningful Journey

When I was a kid, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me how my favorite comic book series would go.

When I was a teenager, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me what I should do to get girls.

When I was an adult, I wanted my future self to travel back in time and tell me winning lottery numbers, or do the Sports Almanac trick.

Now, as an old man, my future self finally does travel back in time just to kill me and make a paradox.

Price: Everything You Have

I had one more rational bar, my shield was cracked, and my sword was bent at 45 degrees halfway along. But for lack of any better option, I turned another corner in this fucking maze.

"Welcome to Psally's Shoppe! Extra p, extra e, low price, high excellence! What are you in the market for?"

I blinked through the sweat and tears.

"You accept...?"

"Most people choose to barter, but I also accept gold, jewels-"

I lifted my sword.

"That means you have a way out. Tell me."

"Oh, you want the Escape Package? A popular choice, but quite expensive, sadly..." 

Feeling Small

She was My All, but she did not see me as the one. I was the bit of fun, to use and bin.

I did try to fix it, to be for her day in, day out, but she saw Him as her One Man. She ran to him as I ran to her.

One big day, I had had it, and I did the yap.

"I ask you, how can I be The One for you? How?"

She was mum for a bit, but she did say.

"You can be a bit too ABC, 123."

I was so diminutive.

Instructions

"So, to get to cable you need to hold this cable here at this angle while you hold down the SYS-ENG button until it registers, then you can let the cable go. Switching channels is fine, but if you want to turn the volume down you need to go all the way up to 100 then up again until it goes back to 0. I won't try to explain the DVR, that's a whole other kettle of fish, just don't bother trying, you get me?"

"...

Dude, why don't you get a new TV?"

"Huh? There's nothing wrong with this one!?"

Happy New Year

I saw the photo online as part of a montage from some nightclub, taken from the New Year's party a couple days earlier.

The girl I had loved, until she had died. Looking remarkably alive, considering.

Naturally, I immediately confronted those I'd met through her, but they were all as shocked as I was, or they were all great liars. Given they might have been lying to me for years, that was a possibility.

It took me a lot of time, but I finally tracked down the woman I'd seen.

She proved to be a worse liar than her friends.

That's Hot

I waited eagerly as the smoke formimg in the chalk circle created...

A 'humanoid' monstrosity.

I looked between the book and the figure with confusion before it made what sounded like a sigh.

"Let me guess, you were trying to summon a succubus?"

"Incubus, actually."

"Ah.

Well, those are just different departments, we tend to swap around every few years."

"But you seduce people looking like this?"

It laughed, I think.

"Our job is to punish sinners. We stopped needing to create more of them centuries ago. So we-"

"Let yourselves go?"

It snapped a claw and the chalk vanished.

Hand Bag

My Bag Of Holding was the first loot I ever got, from the adventurer that turned up dead on the doorstep of my mother's farm.

Well, near enough to dead.

But anyway, it was so useful, no matter how much cool stuff I'd find, or 'find', I could get it in there and carry back to a town to sell, and then it'd carry the gold!

Mages and the like that I travelled with were always wanting to examine it, sure it was evil or something.

I disagreed, until I reached in one day and felt a hand reaching back.

Checking

Eight months ago.

"So what brings you in today?"

"My ex-girlfriend."

"What do you mean?"

"Well she dumped me a few weeks ago-"

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Uh, thanks, but I had suspected it was gonna happen sooner or later. But in either case, in the breakup speech, she told me I was, well, 'fucked in the head', she said. I don't think I am, but I thought I better get it checked, you know?"

Now, today, I know that I shouldn't have bothered, but better to check and be sure, right?

By the way, can I borrow $10k?

All Alone

I woke up alone.

Nothing unusual about that, but quickly I realised I was actually alone. Everything online that wasn't automated had stopped a few hours earlier.

I left my dump apartment and quickly drove downtown, passing crashes, empty cars, and abandoned items.

I got into town, and tried to think of what I should do, as I helped myself to the best stuff from the supermarket.

Eventually, I posted online on every platform I could think of, calling out for anyone to respond.

Turns out that when there's only one person posting, every bot gets very eager to post...

Front Story Line

My grandfather always told me stories of war, he always made it sound so noble.

It was raining.

He talked about the camaraderie with his fellow soldiers, the good times in the trenches.

We were both tired and bleeding before we found each other in the mud.

He talked about how proud he was of all the latest tech he had given to him.

Both of our guns jammed because of the mud, so we grabbed knives.

He never mentioned blood or death.

I suffered the first, and caused the second.

And I understood why he discussed what he did.

Bardic Tales

It took me a while to track down the legendary bard Pippen Poken, and even longer to convince him to give me training in how to bard.

We found a secluded place as he looked through his magic bag.

"The first secret to being a good bard is choosing an instrument you can afford to lose."

He handed me a hand-drum.

"You focus on percussion, and then you lose the instrument, you still have this."

He tapped a rhythm on his chest.

"Is that where the idea you went round banging everyone came from?"

"The second secret is these condoms."

Cold

I led the wizard to the beginning of the secret path through the mountains, as far as they knew, and there we met the frost troll I had told them about.

"My erstwhile guide says you won't let us pass unless I perform a task for you, apparently?"

"Yes. I am in love with a fire nymph, and I need a way to protect me from her flames when I'm near her.

I awaited the wizard to cast a spell.

"How did you fall in love if you couldn't be near her?"

"Uh... From afar?"

They cast a Firedeath spell.

Only Way Out

I knew a bullet was the only way out, and I knew I didn't have the guts to use it. I'd spun so many lies to enough powerful and/or dangerous people that the webs were getting entangled.

Didn't matter if it was one of them pulling on a loose thread or a couple grabbing a handful and tearing, the next change was going to lead to my end.

And then the door flew across the room.

"POLICE!"

OK, maybe ratting everyone out might-

The SWAT member that entered first immediately opened fire, a bullet going straight through my head.

Behind You

I finally managed to get the orc away from its axe, and after enough cuts brought it down, I stood over it, ready to plunge my sword down, when I heard a whistle, followed by the soft but unmistakable sound of a bowstring being pulled taut behind me.

"Just so you know, this is a magically enhanced blow, not that I need it, at this range."

Neither of us moved until I spoke.

"You sound like an elf. Why did you care about this orc?"

"Well that's a long-"

Finally my ally made their move and took the elf out.

Next Episode

From my point of view, it was a sudden flip, as she suddenly stood up and glared at me.

"Look, are we doing this or not?"

I tried to think, but couldn't think of anything before my mouth spoke.

"I mean, we're only two episodes in, and-"

"Fine, we're not going to, whatever."

She grabbed her coat and left. I was confused, but went back to watching the show.

I later heard through a mutual friend that she was expecting a romantic evening. My thinking that it was probably better she leave then rather than more disappointment later wasn't popular.

Chosen Ones

The prophecy was clear, that someone brought into this world of magic and chose from a world of rules and order would defeat the Dark Sorcerer Beroska.

So, the Semi-Wizard Jofti opened a portal, and a young person came through. He told them they were chosen one of the prophecy, they believed him, sent off to defeat the evil, and was quickly killed by a random goblin thief.

Unperturbed, Jofti tried again. And again.

He lost track around 200 or so, but one of them was bound to work, right?

Well, yes, but only when he summoned a competent general.

Lucky Coincidence

The distress beacon got picked up by the third shift crew, and they set in a course. By the time I woke up and was informed, we were already approaching the damaged vessel, and I had a tough decision to make.

My orders had been clear, we were supposed to arrive at Starbase Alpha78 within 3 days to deliver the secret cargo hiding in the storage bay. But standing orders were to assist damaged vessels.

So I looked at the distress beacon message, declared it a trap, destroyed the ship and left.

Later on, I found out I was right. 

New Year, Old Idea

She opened the door to my room and spoke with extra enthusiasm, even for her.

"Good morning! Ready for the new year!"

I grunted, which I hoped, in vain, would be enough of a response for her to leave.

"Come on! It's a new year, time to make new resolutions!"

I sighed and pulled my head out of my pillow.

"It's an arbitrary counting turnover point. There's nothing special about today as compared to yesterday. So what's the point?"

"Because any excuse to make a positive change is a good one!"

"Fine, I'll start, tomorrow... tomorrow.

Or tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow."