The Queen And The Chosen One

The Chosen One returned to the palace after he'd  defeated the Dragon, a crowd of the citizens following behind him cheering his name.

When he walked into the throne room, he was already licking his lips, awaiting his reward. The Queen gave a short speech to him, thanking him for his service, and then rewarded him a pile of gold.

He pointed out that she'd implied a much more personal and valuable prize before he left.

She pointed out she'd never actually promised anything, and that she had a hundred men outside.

He managed to take down fifty-six of them.

The Kingslayer And The Man

There wasn't a person in the kingdom who didn't know the Kingslayer Blade. The sword forged in the lava of Mount Chaos, a hilt of pure diamond, sharp despite centuries of existence. It was the symbol of the throne, as much a threat to others as it was to the Ruler. For if the Ruler ever became unjust, the Blade would be used to slay another King or Queen. Hence the name that all knew.

The man who held it now, no-one knew them. They were just a man. And after the deed was done, they returned to being that.

The Artist And The Empress

The Empress needed an official portrait, obviously. And he was well respected and popular as an artist, so he was approached to paint it. He accepted, and they had some sittings, and it all seemed to be going well.

Until she saw the final work, which portrayed her in a clearly sexualized fashion. He was arrested, executed, what you'd expect. His property would have been seized, but his wife seemed to have fled the country when he'd started work on the portrait, with all his work that was now valuable to the Empress' enemies.

I guess she was just psychic.

Viper

I got careless, focusing too much on the mountain in the distance, when I tripped on the vine and fell onto my hands and knees.

Then the viper hissed.

The only movement I made was to breathe and to pump blood through my body, as my eyes stayed locked on the creature as it shifted before me. Then it lunged.

All its venom got was my rucksack, before I yanked it back and ran.

I guess vipers can track their venom, how else would the same viper find me down this ravine, with broken legs? Unless it got very lucky…

The Authority

“If you do not come out within five minutes with your weapons holstered and your hands up, I have the authority to direct my troops to open fire!”

The siege had lasted days, and this was perhaps the most crucial moment, given that negotiations had broken down and everything was hanging by a frayed thread.

The public wanted action but at the same time they would scream and bay for blood if one cop hurt one hair on one child’s head.

Hence the very careful wording on the threat.

I had the authority, but I wasn’t about to use it…

Reigns

The reign of Queen Helena I was long and prosperous, as under her the Kingdom conquered many lands, from the Green Sea Islands to the Magi Mountains.

The reign of Queen Helena II was also long, but peaceful.

The reigns of Queen Helena III through VIII were lost to historians due to the Workers’ Rebellion.

The reign of Queen Helena IX was where the fact she was Queen Helena I with access to an Immortality spell became known, and where the common workers rebelled (hence the name) and demanded democracy.

President Elena bore a striking resemblance to the Queen though…

Deal With It

“Just deal with it.”

Every time I had an issue.

“Just deal with it.”

Every time I had a problem.

“Just deal with it.”

No matter what it was that had happened.

“Just deal with it.”

I always got the same answer.

“Just deal with it.”

Said in the same tone of voice.

“Just deal with it.”

I had clearly made a mistake.

“Just deal with it.”

So I had to fix the problem.

“Just deal with it.”

Even when it had nothing to do with me.

“Just deal with it.”

So eventually I did.

“Just… What’s with the gun?”

Face Of The Industry

I never asked to be the figurehead, you understand. It just sort of… Happened.

I just wanted to do business, and had a great idea to expand into a new untapped market, and suddenly I became the name all over the media, I was being asked to give speeches, I’m the test case before the courts that’ll become a landmark case for generations, so my lawyers tell me.

Business is booming, of course, but all the attention from outside, it wears you down mentally, eventually.

I mean, sometimes a man wants to trade in Chinamen Slaves in peace, you know?

Too Many Limes

Look, I’m just not a fan of Limes, ok?

I mean, I know some people love them, I know that some people think they’re just peachy keen. They help with disease, and without them we’d not be where we are today, I know the history, I’m not a complete idiot.

But, they just don’t sit right with me, and while I’m not about to call for a boycott or anything…

I just don’t like them! I’ve never been comfortable with foreign cultures altering ours, when you make it a whole alien race from another galaxy, that just makes it worse…

Of The River

The River was not the whole world, she knew. The River began elsewhere, The River ended elsewhere, and there were many elsewheres away from The River.

But this part of The River, from The Waterfall, to Where The Animals Drank, that was where she lived, and was her world.

The River provided her water, to drink and to clean, in that order.

The River provided her food, animals that lived in The River, and the berries that grew beside it.

The River was all she needed, although she was, sometimes, somewhat lonely.

And then Mr. James Tarven discovered Tarven River.

The Ultimate Opportunist

He waited, patiently, for a target.

It was rare, many a night he’d end up leaving the city without a single attack. But he knew that if he started to attack more, he’d be noticed, he’d have to deal with authorities, and he had spent far too long developing his tactics.

But tonight, a target appeared. Her makeup was ruined, her dress damaged. A half-empty bottle of something strongly alcoholic yet sickeningly sweet in her fist. She was softly crying as she staggered towards him.

He stepped out of the alleyway.

“Hello. God’s sent me to talk about your soul…”

Apex Predator

He was very proud of Humanity.

Sure, he acknowledged that it was screwing up the planet and spent an awful lot of time engaged in This group of Humans hating on That group of Humans, but taking the long view, we were the Apex of Apex Predators. We lived (almost) everywhere, and wherever we lived, we had the tools and the knowledge to ensure we were top of the food chain with no natural predators, hence the term.

Humanity had won Evolution, he believed.

I think he would have died of a broken heart even without personally contracting The Virus.

Thuganomics

You know, Do-Gooder, I gotta disagree with The Boss on one thing. The best part of finally knocking you off isn’t the heist tonight, but rather something you said in passing as you were knocking out the first dozen of our brother slash sisterhood.

You called them two bit thugs, remember?

Now, that’s insulting to me, as I have spent my entire life working out just how to make low life scum into loyal, hardworking assets. It’s a science, to get men this loyal to The Boss.

Or, more accurately, loyal to me.

Kill the Do-Gooder and The Boss, please.

Dead Man

I’m used to hearing a lot of trash talk as I do my job. Before I kill a man, he’ll tell me how he will use my bones for toothpicks or fuck my mother or some other action that I will calmly ensure will not occur with a single swing of my weapon.

But there was this kid, well, teenager really, who just stared at me, and as I walked up, he spoke in a tone of voice that even I found chilling.

“You’re a dead man.”

I killed him.

“Of course I am, I’m the Grim Reaper…” I muttered.

King Mystery

I took my time examining the body, all too aware of the eyes of the Royal Guards on my back.

“It must have been an assassin sent by the Crimson Empire!”

“That’s the fifth time you’ve theorised that, Grand Vizer.”

“Well it’s true!”

I shook my head.

“Crimson Blood Vipers kill with poison, arrows and, on one occasion, a tiger. A stabbing is not at all their style.”

I felt the Royal Crotch.

“Bring me the five most attractive serving girls working in the Royal Kitchen, one of them did it.”

I was wrong though, it was a serving boy.

The Animal

“Animal, Mineral, Vegetable?” I asked, making no effort to hide the boredom in my voice.

“Animal!”

“Is it bigger than a breadbox?”

“What’s a breadbox?”

“Your computer then?”

“Oh… No.”

“Is it native to the region?”

“Which region?”

“This one!”

“But do you mean the state, the city, this room, what?”

“Yes, I’m asking if this animal is native to your bedroom, exactly.”

“Darn it. Yes.”

I just stared at him for several seconds.

“You?”

“No.”

“Then… I give up.”

“Ha! It was my pet rock!”

I picked it up.

“This isn’t an animal you idiot!”

Then it bit me.

REDACTED

I began to fiddle with the zoom to make sure it was working.

“So what should I be filming, exactly? Do I focus on you soldiers or-“

“We’re not soldiers! We’re scientists, remember? You just record what we’re investigating, ok?”

I nodded at the ‘scientist’ carrying a fully automatic rifle as we came to the large crater. Inside it was a crashed ship. A blue creature was pulling another from the wreckage, until it spotted us. It grabbed a small box and hit it a bit. The box then spoke.

“Peace!”

“Redaction here.” said the ‘scientist’ as they opened fire.

Next Big Thing

Zack was forever chasing the dream, forever looking for the venture that would let him retire before thirty.

Every week he had a new app or product that he swore would revolutionise the world that he was trying to flog to investors and venture capitalists. Occasionally it wouldn’t actually suck, but most times the ‘idea’, such as it was, was a blatant rip off of something else.

But he was very witty, so we put up with him. And in the end, he actually did retire before thirty.

Turns out embezzling from venture capital funds was his truly brilliant idea…

Triple

It became the harmless joke of the family that my wife must have been psychic. The day the President asks for us to have ‘One child for the mother, one for the father, and one for the country’, we find out she’s pregnant with three girls.

I claimed it was just coincidence, but in the end, it went exactly as the President was hoping for, it seems.

Anna sided with her mother in the divorce, Eliza sided with me, and Alex dealt with it by going to fight and die for the country in the middle of the fucking desert…

Rattlesnake

The schoolmarm waited for a week before she made the journey out to the Matchett farm. There, she found Tandy near the barn, sharpening a knive. He didn’t look up as she struggled off her horse.

“Miss.”

“Mr. Matchett, you must know why I’m here.”

“Yep.”

“Look… I know it can be difficult after you lose… But your son needs an education!”

“Getting one.”

She then heard the rattle.

She glanced around, seeing the boy just as the snake darted forward.

And did nothing, since most of its head was gone. She glared at Tandy.

“You think I’m a monster?”