The Vampire's Accountant

The Count, as he was now, strode into his financial manager's office.

"My dear Raymond, you've served as my personal assistant in my financial fields for 35 years now, and I've noticed you're beginning to break down slightly. I'd like to offer you a way to fix that, as payment for your work."

"You mean make me a vampire too?"

The Count was surprised.

"You know?"

"Given files you have that originally belonged to near-identical historical figures, it was a logical deduction."

"Very well. You want-"

"And deny others the chance to control these funds? Heavens no!"

"...

And I'm weird?"

I Voted

There had been ten. Now only six remained.

Two had broken the rules and tried to escape, and the collars around their neck blew up. The other two had been chosen by the rest of the group via vote.

"Good evening, time to once again vote for who dies. Remember this is irreversible and whomever gets the most votes dies. Garry, you're first."

"I vote for you to go to hell and die!"

After a moment, 'Controller' appeared on the list.

The others quickly followed suit, and then one of the failed escaped bodies blew up again, for some reason.

My Favorite Restaurant

Off the beaten track is this little restaurant that I love, that doesn't have a name, it's that obscure and hidden.

It's decked out like a home dining room, with no menu, no bookings, no advertising. You come in and sit down at the single table, and the little old lady who does the cooking asks you if you're allergic to anything, and assuring you aren't, or aren't to anything on the menu, she serves you, and then at the end you just give what you...

Wait, have I just been imposing on a family for the past ten years?

God Talk

The monk was constantly trying to find a way to get me to care about the Gods, or to find a way to engage me in spiritual discussions.

After we'd finally ended the threat of the Spider Raiders, around the campfire, he finally asked a question I cared to answer.

"So why do you do this then?"

"I do this to be more like the Gods."

He blinked, and leant forward.

"What, really?"

"Yes, life sucks, so I want to be as comfortable and peaceful as possible."

"But you don't want to be morally-"

"Nah, just comfortable."

"It's a start."

Tired Of You All

I'm extremely tired of the world, and those in it. But I can't leave here.

Well, yes, that's technically not true, in that there is a way to leave, but it's one way and it kind of lacks a destination, so I don't wish to take it.

But lacking the ability to leave the planet via ship or psychic ability, I would appear to be with no recourse.

But there is a way out, given that while I do not wish to take the obvious one way trip out, I'm quite happy for all of you to take it instead.

My Last Pizza

Given that it would be the last pizza I'd ever have, I took my time with it. I aged the dough to really get some flavor in it. I crushed each tomato in the sauce individually, and adding just enough garlic so it wasn't overpowering but I could taste it in every bite. Every topping placed with care, so every slice would have everything, but not overload it.

Four types of cheese, cooked in a flash, and eaten in moments.

I sighed, and cleaned up.

A future of cauliflower crust and faux cheese 'pizzas' awaited me.

Curse my past pizzas.

Message Not Received

He sat on the bench under the tree, carefully unwrapping his chain store bacon and onion cheeseburger, and went to take a bite when he saw the woman standing in before him, looking at him with a certain zeal in her eyes.

"Can I help you, Miss?"

"Don't you know that meat is killing the planet, and you? Wouldn't you rather-"

He held up a hand as he placed the Burger back into its wrapper before he spoke.

"Quick question, who the hell asked you?"

"Mother Nature!"

"Well she can tell me herself."

The tree fell backwards, unfortunately for her.