Through The Wrong Cupboard

I was harvesting candy canes when there was a flash of light and then the human fell from the sky down into my cotton candy bale. I sighed and fetched a bucket of water for them. By the time I got there they were picking the last of the cotton off their clothing.

"You want home? Go pink castle!"

They (I think it was female) stared at me, either because they'd not seen a gnoll before, or because they didn't understand Niceian. But they got the message and headed towards Lord Murderkill's Castle.

He deals with vermin personally, so nice.

Sharp Weapon

The Teacher didn't open his eyes, nor rise from his crosslegged seat, as the young woman climbed up the stone stairs to his home.

"Teacher, I wish you to teach me the ways of your skills with the blade and the mind. I-"

"In a moment, my assistant will be here. She can control four blades with her mind. She will kill you with them while she sits next to me and drinks tea. You may do one thing to prepare before you die."

"Fine. I'll poison the tea then."

The Teacher opened his eyes.

"We begin class at dawn."

Pre Warp Checklist

"Hello, welcome to Warp Trips! Just a few-"

"Solo."

"Sorry, please wait until I finish my question before-"

"Solo!"

"So you're travelling by yourself-"

"Yes, Yes."

"Did you pack your own-"

"I said yes!"

"Sorry! Do you have any dangerous materials-"

"No! Hurry up!"

"Sorry, but I need to ask you about all the things that you can't bring with you, so sorry! So, have you got any nuclear material, any-"

"Override IW Marshal."

"Working.

Please place bag in slot."

"Wow, that worked?"

"Working!

Illegal weapon detected!"

"Oh fuck, that's not-"

"Sorry, I'm unable to wait!"

The robot killed him.

Transcript

"Interview begins, 3:39am, Detectives Susan-"

"Look can we just get to the part where you let me go?"

"... Susan Linowitz and Justin Smith-Jones in attendance, along with an apparently eager to leave Tony Ricardo, who has waved his right to an attorney."

"Of course I have. This is pointless, I'm not involved in this."

"Which this are you referring to?"

"Which this are YOU referring to?"

"Mr Ricardo, I don't think you realise the severity of this murder investigation."

*indistinct rustling*

"My darling Susan, I can't wait to take you down to the lake and-"

"You're free to go."

Freezer Burn

I could see my breath in the air, every exhale sending trails of vapor drifting across the enclosed space of the freezer.

I tried to keep warm by doing mental arithmetic, contemplating books I'd read, movies I'd seen, and wondering why they left the light on in here.

Didn't really work.

Eventually I felt like I was stuck to the floor, and I could see the vapor of my breath get smaller and weaker with every moment, if I didn't get out soon I'd-

The door! It's opening!

A hand reached in and turned the light off.

Just fucking great.

A Lifetime Of Dull Sundays

So you want to know what it's like to be immortal? I can tell you what it's like at three thousand years at least, maybe you get some sort of grand epiphany at ten thousand.

But so far, it's been nothing but loss. Making friends and loves, then losing them to death, theirs or your faked one.

That, and having to constantly forget old metaphors and sayings, plus having to adapt to new technology all the time.

But given all that, given everything, all the hard work, I'd still take it in a heartbeat.

I still don't want to die.

Up In Flames

Your life's work, gone in a few moments, consumed by fire. Imagine how that would make you feel.

All that effort, all that time, all those resources. Gone.

All the attention it brought you, all the fame, all the prestige, all the desire for more. Lost.

All the experiences you had because of it, all the travel, the women, the men, the drugs, the vice. No more.

All the pressure, all the anxiety, all the depression caused by it. Vanished.

Imagine all that. Then you might understand why I got out a lighter and set fire to it all myself.

The Grand Prophecy

The Grand Prophecy (the capitalisation was important, apparently) said that a being would come from the stars in a chariot of fire and with one use of their weapon, end the war.

At least, that's what my translation implant told me the locals were saying, after my pod crashed into their planet.

So I reluctantly agreed to at least meet with the heads of the two warring sides and try to be a totally impartial mediator.

But both sides were super aggressive and I had to shoot them both.

I pointed out the war wasn't over till the second shot.

Persian Flaw

She examined the Persian rug of the Sheik for several long moments before she finally looked up, unable to hide the smirk from her face.

"It's a fake. Your fancy carbon dating machine must be wrong."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"But it fits the descriptions, the timeframe matches up, even the location of the damage matches up! This must be the rug!"

"The rug should have a Persian Flaw, a tiny error to avoid insulting Allah. A discolored flower petal or something."

I felt sick.

"I'd used that bit for the sample, since it was off..."

Magical Vice Division

I hadn't started my shift yet, but the broom zoomed past way too fast, so I was forced to engage my Siren and chase them down.

They landed near the Polymorth district, and was eager to hand over their licenses for truthstoning. But I could see the too wide eyes, the over-moving of limbs longer than they were used to.

"So how long you been this age then, young lady?"

"About 3 hours!"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Well thank you for being honest, but I'm going to have to-"

I noticed her chronological age.

"Congratulate you on your deaging spell."

Just Some Guy

The Plucky Underdog and her unlikely group of misfit heroes burst through the door. I paused, water dribbling out of the watering can onto my dandelions.

"Oh. I assumed my Stormwomen would have kept you occupied for longer."

They just stared at me. The Underdog tilted her head.

"You're not my father."

"Well spotted."

The Underdog glanced between her allies, none of them speaking.

"It's just, if we're destined to stop you, we assumed you were connected to us."

I sighed.

"Destiny is a lie, children. Sorry."

I'd have explained further, but my dandelions' pollen had taken them by then.

Stone Mountain

Still don't know what happened to kill off most everyone. Virus, radiation, whatever. But I knew what I was going to do once it happened. I downloaded the map that had every Confederate statue or shrine, before the Net died obviously, and I've spent the last dozen years travelling around and destroying them all.

Down to the last one, the big one, carved into the side of a mountain. Once I blow this, I'm done. Then what?

Rebuilding society is possible, but it'll be back-breaking, long, difficult, hard.

That's why I'll be standing underneath the mountain when I blow it.

The All Is Lost Moment

There's this thing in movies and tv and such, the all is lost moment. It's the moment where the hero or heroine is at their lowest point, they're usually near death with allies gone and powers lost and so forth. It usually comes at the end of the second act, right before the final rise and glorious victory of the hero or heroine.

I'm seeing people using this basic concept and trying to apply it to the modern world. But the problem is this isn't a movie, this is real life.

And I fear this is all still act one.

Unwanted Discovery

I was pulling down the blankets from the cupboard when I found it, if you want to call the small box falling onto my head finding it.

I stared at it for several long seconds, trying to will myself to think of something other than a ring box that it could be. But since I didn't wear earrings, it seemed there could only be one option.

I slowly opened it up.

It wasn't the biggest engagement ring I'd ever seen, but for what he could afford, it was impressive.

But just after I started to move on after his death...

Me Vs The World

These days, I keep coming back to a simple question, given how I'm feeling.

Because while I know I'm luckier than most of the world's population, at least on the scale before it goes exponentially crazy, many days I wake up unhappy, moody, unable or unwilling to get out of bed.

So the question is, am I genuinely going through a period of mental unhealth, is this a chemical imbalance, or is this a perfectly normal and sane reaction to the state of the world right now?

Please don't bother posting 'why not both" gifs, I've already considered that option.

High Stakes Combat

The Dark Lord has his armies poised to take the Capital, and yet he sent word that he wanted to avoid unnecessary bloodshed and destruction, and thus proposed to fight our best champion one on one for our lands.

Most felt this was some sort of trick, but General Trenus insisted she could defeat him.

They met in a secluded valley, guards of both armies keeping all outsiders out.

General Trenus walked out alone, now a folk hero. She quickly claimed his lands for what was soon her Kingdom, as she took the throne with no unnecessary bloodshed and destruction.

Green Thumb

Biblical historians call it 'having your Thomas moment'. Most newbies go through it. Thomas The Green lived in the first century, and in his texts, there are a references, that if you study and extrapolate, seem to indicate a location of the Holy Grail, a specific cave near Damascus.

Anyone foolish enough to share this 'discovery' is shown a photo of the interior of the cave, where someone has carved a big 'NO' in Hebrew on the tree growing there.

No-one yet has asked how a tree is growing without much light, nor if the Grail was made of wood.

Explain

My secretary told me that there were rumblings about the research team having some sort of issue that they didn't want me to know about. So I cleared my afternoon and strode down there, ready to explain just how much money I'd invested in them and thus deserved answers.

But instead, they calmly explained they'd found a cure for a category of cancers, but it was so cheap and simple I'd be unable to make a huge profit off it, per standard procedures.

I calmly explained how this would make all our products sell more and moved forward with it.

Whole World Blind

"Someone in this room is a murderer."

I immediately moved chair back against the wall, eyeing the other guests nervously. The Ambrose Twins began to argue, at first with the proclamation, then with each other. Our host's requests to remain calm for the evening until the weather cleared and help could arrive fell on deaf ears.

One after another, tensions boiled over as accusations flew, until a fist knocked our host into the suit of armor, killing him.

There followed a complicated few minutes as revenge followed revenge.

Wasn't my plan when I killed him but it worked out fine.

Knot Chain

There was a knotted rope wrapped around the tree trunk outside my apartment.

This meant that the meeting I had that morning was compromised.

This meant that I went to my vantage point with my briefcase.

This meant that I was able to scope out my contact who had betrayed me.

This meant I killed them with my sniper rifle from my briefcase.

This meant I had to get out of the country asap.

This meant I had no time to destroy my records and had to rely on the timer.

This meant their plan to get my records worked.

Saved Man

Some time ago, there was a man who could have saved the world. He had the potential to create the solutions to all of humanity's issues, or at least enough of them to have a marked improvement on the lives of most everyone.

Not only that, but he had the rare chance of actually getting stuff done, thanks to his family's standing and his privileged start, he could absolutely have been listened to and had things acted upon because of that.

But he fell in love, and focused all his attention on the man he loved.

So screw that guy.

Check Lines

It was my first day, and I was only just managing to take in everything I was being told by my trainer, it was different from the classroom.

And then he handed me the checklist for vehicle inspection. It was five pages long and covered with tiny writing. As we walked over to the first one, he noticed my face.

"Every one of those lines is written in blood. At some point that went wrong and tragedy occurred. So we check it."

I swallowed, nodded, then touched the side panel, burning my hand.

There's a line because of me now.

One Degree Off

The Unspeakableness called out to me.

"Hey Unceasing Terror, check this out!"

I materialised next to him, as a portal began to open in the swirling mists.

"What, another bunch of mortals dabbling in what they're not meant to know? So what?"

The Unspeakableness waved a tentacle to shush me, before it plunged a spike mass through the portal and killed most of them before withdrawing.

"They were so sure that they'd worked out the exactly right magical ward, and now..."

We watched as the spirits of the mortals broke over a few years. Yeah, it was pretty darn funny.

I Don't Know, Can You?

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, yes, the literal definition of can in this context means that I'm asking about if it is possible that I can pose a question to you, and thus I'm technically already answering it because I'm in the process of asking you. The usual usage of that phrase is asking for permission and thus should actually use the term may.

Except, I am actually asking if I can ask you a question.

I'm a theoretical concept of a being speaking to you in your head.

Can I ask you a question?

Can you answer?

Up From There

We started in the gutter. She was lying in it, a bottle of vodka in one hand, a party hat in the other. I sat down next to her and we started talking.

I was there as she moved into her first solo digs, a tiny apartment on the 5th floor, but it was hers.

She was there as I worked my way up the corporate ladder, she was so proud when I got that corner office on the 16th floor.

We ended up in the penthouse suite, but we're still those two kids in the gutter. Just cleaned up.

Space Bugs

The Goddesses have a plan for the universe. They ensured Their Chosen Ones were able to thrive and prosper on Homeworid, striking down all those false races that tried to userp Their Chosen Ones' place on the universe. And now they have shown their favor on us again, inspiring our wise ones to see how we may journey to other worlds and continue The Goddesses Plan. All Hail The Goddesses!

(mass cheering and prayers)

[That's all I've translated so far. Does maybe explain why they dropped dead upon going through sterilisation, and/or their anger at us not dying instantly.]

Bearly Room

A bear was in my front room.

A large one, for a bear I mean. It was sitting on the broken remains of my couch. Now sure, just the previous night I was looking to buy a new one, but that didn't mean I was happy my old one was destroyed.

I weighed my options, and decided that if I risked running next door, the bear might be gone by the time authorities arrived. So instead I silently grabbed my phone next to the bear.

Then I noticed that I in fact had a dead bear in my front room.

Unblind Faith

I have faith that things will work out for the best.

I have faith that I will find my way through this life without major strife.

I have faith that those who seek to hurt me and those I care about and those I choose to protect, they will feel the wrath of righteousness.

I have faith that I can, if so called, be able to deliver said wrath to said evildoers.

I have faith in my abilities, and my two guns.

And I have faith people will stop suggesting I start calling my guns 'Faith or some such nonsense.

Silver Fire

I may have had to accept that our outpost was under attack from beings that fulfilled enough checkmarks to qualify as being accurately describable as werewolves, but I wasn't about to forgo my training and my knowledge and my resources.

After surviving the night, and being satisfied to one standard deviation that they would attack again the following night, I consulted my books, as well as the books of the less scientifically focused. I learned that fire and silver were the common weapons.

Thus, my hypothesis was that using silver nitride explosives would be effective.

My hypothesis was confirmed quickly.

Covering The Mind's Eye

The genie appeared in a flash of light. She looked down at herself.

"Less clothing than last time."

"You don't control your clothing?"

She glanced at me and the lamp I held.

"My form is based on how my Master sees me in their mind's eye. You believe a genie should be a beautiful Arabic woman wearing very little, thus I am such, Master. Feel free to wish for something different with your..."

She trailed off.

"You know how hard I worked to get the idea of there being a three wish limit embedded?

Fine, unlimited wishes it is, Master."