Fresh Air is Good for You

For months, he’d needle him. Come hiking with me. Come camping. Share my interests in the great outdoors. Their friendship was built on being workmates and then a shared love of the local football team, but beyond that they had little in common.

But eventually, the constant pressuring would make or break the friendship. But then after the lawsuit from the customer, and the way he stood by him, he had to accept.

So there they were, in the woods. Even as the outdoorsman began to take deep breaths, his friend began to cough.

The mold spores took him first.

A Specialist Coat Shop

The sales assistant left her alone for a few minutes, but after she had picked up and put down half the rack the assistant approached.

“Hello, can I help you?”

The woman turned and began to blush.

“I uh… That is… I am looking for a… Coat.”

The assistant smiled. “Well, we have a variety of styles and colors, what sort of coat were you looking for?”

The customer kept stammering, her hands wringing together. Eventually she managed to speak.

“Well, I… My boyfriend… Birthday and… I…”

The assistant nodded wisely.

“Ah, then you’ll be wanting the Barry Allen collection…”

Tiger Body Parts

The Sergeant surveyed his new recruits.

“All right Ladies and Gentlemen…” he called the men and women respectively. “By God you’re the worst bunch of rejects I’ve ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on. But by the time I’m finished with you, the weak shall be gone and the remaining will have-“

“Eye of the Tiger!”

The Sergeant turned and approached the young man..

“You never speak back son, and I don’t want eyeballs of the tiger. I want these balls of the tiger!”

The Sergeant then performed the act that got him thrown out for sexual harassment.

Clearfall

Everyone gets one.

One moment where it all becomes clear and obvious. Where the mind, soul and body align, and you achieve your moment of pure clarity.

These moments are powerful. Religions have been formed, wars have ended (and started), because anyone, no matter how powerful or low, can get the moment at the exact right, or indeed, wrong moment.

You can’t predict when and where, you can’t force it, it’s just a matter of waiting for the universe to align for you.

Shame that most of the time they come just before you hit the ground, metaphorically or otherwise…

The Full Chandler

It was the 27^th interview that day. He sat in his trademark splayed leg slouch, and watched as she sat, her clothing stiflingly unsexual.

“Mr. Beat-Downe, I put it to that your new film and album are sexist and racist, that you objectify women, discriminate against all minorities and that you are a horrible human being.”

He stared at her for several seconds then leant in, his whisper clearly incredulous.

“Are you physically incapable of spotting parody, sarcasm?”

She returned the stare for a few seconds, then smiled.

“I ask you the exact same question.” she said, winking at him.

A Never Ending Market

He showed her into the hall. There were balloons everywhere, tables set up, a sound system up the other end, ready and waiting.

“So you just leave it up?”

“Well sure. Most times we get a day or two but sometimes it’s a few hours notice.”

“So, let me get this straight. If a guy-“

“Or girl, we don’t judge.”

“If someone thinks their significant other suspects them of something, they call you and you put on a ‘surprise party’ for them, that seems to be hard to set up. That’s-“

“Highly profitable.”

“I just lost more faith in humanity.”

Fangirls Are Nuts

SciFiFantComicGameCon was the ‘biggest pop culture expo in the Upper-Middle-Midwestern Region’, whatever that means. I was looking through my bag when I bumped into a tall guy. Everyone else seemed to be ignoring him.

“Hey, nice costume… Discworld?” I asked, looking him over. His hooded robes were pitch black with blue highlights, and his scythe was very realistic looking.

He shook his head slowly.

“Oh… Monty Python?”

Again came the slow denial.

“So… What are you?”

“Waiting.”

I more felt the voice than heard it. And then the women next to me went into anaphylactic shock from the cafeteria food.