Truly, An Epic Battle

Atop The Celeste Peak, the tallest point in all of Tovakia, the two mages battled. The fate of the world surely rested on this battle. As the storm clouds spun above them, Sanstonus paced, his eyes not leaving Colgin’s form.

“Come now, what are you waiting for? The great Sanstonus, afraid? You cannot hope to get past my amulets and magical armor!”

Colgin pounded the heavy steel breastplate of his full armor, magical amulets clinking.

“True, my power is not enough to bypass your defences. But the Gods have provided.”

Colgin looked confused until the lightning bolt hit him, hard.

A Critical Eye

It was the opening of a new collection. The two critics looked at the canvas, bare except for a few stray flicks of paint.

“Such a powerful piece. With so few brushstrokes, the artist is able to capture your imagination, make you reconsider the futility of life itself.”

“With all due respect, I don’t think that’s what this piece represents at all. Clearly this is about man’s inhumanity to man, how the quest for enlightenment is marred by the violent world.”

At that point the artist strode over and muttered something before flipping the canvas around to show the painting.

30 Seconds of El Comediante Mask’s Act

But I tell you, my valet is a bit of ditz. She thought the booker was calling her Apple Computing made chocolate.

She also got real upset after I did my last time limit draw. She had wanted to see the Spiderman musical.

Of course, that was after I finally got her to get to ringside in front of women. She’s scared of mice.

But she’s always there to slide me weapons. Even if she keeps buying cheap Chinese crap to use…

And don’t get her started on shoot names. She’s still trying to work out which diva is Kay…

Mining Information

It was set up to help educate people. Every week, an expert would come along in some field, and they’d give a short speech on said field and then answer emailed questions. This week it was an expert in economic theory.

He seemed bemused by some of the questions, but did his best to answer why America still had pennies, how much new gold would sink gold prices, and if it was true that gay marriage would stimulate the economy.

He didn’t make the connection when the new gold mine was shockingly discovered that produced just shy of his estimate…

“I Want A Lawyer…”

“I want a lawyer…”

“Oh, so you want a lawyer, do you? I thought you did nothing wrong, I thought you were just an innocent bystander?”

“I want a lawyer…”

“Well I guess that we’d have to honor that request… Oh wait, we don’t! After all, this is just a friendly conversation! Nothing we need to bother lawyers about, right Captain?”

“I want a lawyer…”

“But why? You said that it wasn’t your drugs, that you just found everyone like that? Why would you need a lawyer?”

“Fine, you’ll do.”

He let the monster inside feast on the cops instead.

Lazy Susan

Lazy Susan.

Ever since she was a kid, when her Uncle had called her that, she had certainly lived up to the name. She never showed an interest in sports, or nature, or even in going out and playing with other children.

And as she grew up she just got lazier. She’d get up just early enough to catch the school bus, just early enough to make her lectures, just early enough for her job.

Eventually she had to change, her parents thought. She’d meet a guy (or girl) and she’d gain some motivation.

They didn’t count on Idle Handel…

Haiku Discovery

The softness of light,

Playing on the cherry blossom,

Peace and good will all.

All day, every day, it was all he did.

Babbling water,

Flowing over the cracking rock,

All must change some day.

Stuck outside, sitting under a tree, no matter the weather, hail, rain or shine.

Buzzing Butterfly,

How do you stay so beautiful?

Unanswerable.

Ten new haikus a day, or he was beaten. Severely.

Snowy mountaintops,

Off so far in the distant sky,

Perfect but lonely.

Could wear a guy down.

Screw all this nonsense,

I fucking hate nature and Sir,

Time for blade to cut.