Mary Jane

Now that they have legalised it, I couldn’t be happier. No longer do I have to live in the shadows, deal with shady characters and be forced to hide from those who truly need my wares. I always knew that I wanted to help people, but obviously some people would look down on me, think I was immoral and evil. But they can all go jump in a lake, far as I’m concerned, because now it’s totally legal for me to spend the night with lonely men, or women, in exchange for money.

Not looking forward to tax season though.

Last Ditch Effort

The war had been going on for decades. Millions had died, and there were miles and miles of land that would take more decades to recover.

Two military leaders arranged a private meeting, in a neutral location. The two men had gone from hatred for each other, through begrudging respect, to where they were now, friends.

In the secret meeting, the two looked for a way out, pouring over each other’s secret communications, tactics, everything, but they just couldn’t see a way out. Both governments were far too set in their plans.

Peace was coming, and they couldn’t stop it.

AM ATM

It had taken him weeks to scrape together the depressingly small wad of notes. He’d sold almost all of his possessions, and a couple of his mother’s.

He approached the machine, never trusting these things, missing the time when banks at least pretended to have customer service.

He inserted his card and entered his code, then pressed for loan repayment. He put the money into the waiting slot, and then it began to count.

Then the power went out.

On the plus side, the bank believed that he actually had the entire loan repayment in the machine at the time…

The Duke’s Mistress (c.1889)

It seemed a simple job, paint a portrait of the Duke’s favorite mistress to hang on his wall.

But the first one, she wasn’t smiling enough.

Then she was smiling too much.

Then the Duke broke up with her, so there was a new woman to paint.

Then it had to be a picture of the mistress in the dress he bought her.

Then the background was distracting.

Then all that white marble around her was boring.

By the time he’d finished, the paint was as thick as the canvas.

But hey, once one masterpiece is worn off, there’s another!

A Remarkable Vintage

The three of them sat around the table, the large bottle of wine passing between them. As they drank and talked and laughed, one of them noticed a small mark drawn on the label.

“What’s this for?”

“Oh, I put it there after I had a glass earlier, wanted to make sure my flatmate didn’t steal some of this excellent wine.”

“Should I be getting a pen to do it again then, if we’re finished with it?”

“Well it is remarkable.”

The other two were too drunk to notice the pun, thankfully. Might have smashed the bottle over his head.

The Best Wall

As the troops began to construct the wall, I rode down to yell at my underling.

“Why are you painting all the stones gold? This is a defensive wall, not a palace for the Emperor!”

My underling pulled out a scroll.

“The Master General says that it will blind our enemies if they approach in the morning, it will make our enemies fear our abundant resources while also making them underestimate the wall’s strength.”

“I… Good reasons, but not enough to waste all this time painting-“

“The Master General’s brother makes gold paint for a living.”

“Ah.

Carry on then.”

Single Red Rose

The single red rose fell at the usual speed, and yet it’s still falling, even now.

I can see it, whenever I close my eyes, be it in yet another fitful attempt to sleep, or just when I blink, the rose falls yet again.

The bud had just opened, it was still at the phase where it was barely more than a bud. She always preferred them like that, she found the fully extended flower to be too big, too showy.

That’s why I gave her that one.

That’s why she was holding it.

Then it fell when she did.