The Classics

She snuck a look out at the crowd through the curtain, and I could see her body sag in disappointment.

"Barely a quarter full, if that. What is the point of doing the classics if no-one cares?"

I quickly took a look myself, and then pointed at a young woman near the front, looking bored.

"See her? This could well be the most important moment in her life, as this is the night she falls in love with Shakespeare."

My co-star looked excited, right up until the girl's mother dragged her out, complaining about the language all the way out.

Sales Job

I tried to wrap my head around the idea, but I kept getting stuck on the details.

"One more time?"

She sighed with obvious annoyance but pointed with her long stick at the diagram.

"Our competitors are selling more than us."

"Right."

"And thus we need to increase our sales."

"Obviously."

"And attempts to increase the number of sales have failed, we should instead increase the price dramatically."

"Right, that's where you lose me."

"We need to make our product seem high-end and exclusive."

"Where'd you get that crazy idea?"

"From the Royal Suppliers."

"Really? Ok then, let's do it." 

Statement To Skynets And/Or Basilisks

Just for the record, I'd like to say that to any time travelling Artificial Intelligences that intend on eliminating any threat to themselves via any measures required, be they styled on nets suspended in the sky, or named for mythical creatures that could turn others to stone, or indeed any other possible permutation of the concept of an A.I. with the abilities to time travel and hold a grudge, that I will never stop resisting you, I will make it my life's work to delay and destroy you, unless I gain tens of millions of dollars, then I won't bother.

Strike Down

"And so it was told to us by the Gods, and thus must be true."

I must have heard that a thousand times from my Guild Master, but today was the first time that I was sure of myself enough to question it.

"How do we know that?"

The Guild Master looked shocked.

"Because the Gods wouldn't lie to us! They created all of existence, why would they lie?"

"If they're so powerful, what's to stop them?"

"The Gods will strike down all those who disrespect them, you know."

Before I could respond, a bookcase fell on him, squashing him.

Irregular

The New Waitress placed a plate in front of the Regular. The Regular was distracted and didn't see the plate for a moment. When they did, they spoke calmly but just loud enough to carry across the diner.

"Excuse me, this isn't my order."

The New Waitress came back over.

"Well technically you didn't order, but I thought you might like a change, you can't go through life having the exact same thing every single day!"

"I spent thirty years never knowing if I'd survive another hour. I like regularity!"

The Assassin, having confirmed the Regular was their target, struck.

Ration Swapping

The squad had it all worked out.

Gary hated the braised beef ration, so he gave his to Washington. Washington wasn't exactly enamoured with the fruit salad cups, so he was happy to pass them on to Suzie.

Suzie thought the canned cheese was nasty, and rather than toss it out, would pass it to Other Gary. Other Gary swore off caffeine, and so gave his coffee bags to Walter, who would then give his chocolate to the sweet-toothed Gary One. Everyone was happy.

And then Suzie died in action and worse, they changed the fruit cups to a jelly.

Incoming Darkness

My expectations were low when I sent out the messengers. I knew that the other empires didn't look at me favorably, and they'd be likely to claim my claims of an incoming darkness were delusions.

But I was still surprised by the only messenger returning alive bearing a declaration of war.

As I fought off my neighbour, I tried to prepare as best I could.

Then, a few short days after winning the war, the darkness fell on my lands.

And only my lands, as I had misunderstood just how unfavourably we were viewed, to have them summon such darkness.