Religious Argument

Like his fellow rational thinkers, he wished to unseat the various religious orders that held undue power. Unlike his fellow rational thinkers, however, he understood showmanship.

A few decades of clever arguments and factual logic had done little, but his loud proclaiming the Gods weren't real, in their own churches, then demanded he be struck down, with no smite? That got attention.

So much so that, upon getting advance warning of his next appearance, the priests set up a hidden, inescapable death trap, that only a miracle could save him from.

His survival led to much debate within religious circles.

The Perfect Perfect Storm

There are storms every day, somewhere out on the open seas. But none like this one.

A perfect storm happens every so often, but this made all of them look like they belonged in a teacup.

Waves taller than they were wide, winds faster than the waves, and a boat that was rusted and half sinking even before the storm hit.

The best captain in the world might just survive. Anyone lesser would surely perish.

I, being better than best, obviously pulled through unscathed.

Well, maybe it wasn't the worst storm ever, but it was still really bad, believe me!

The Straight Line

The line was scratched into the stone floor. Too straight to be accidental, too perfect a line directly between the throne and the door to be anything but a symbol. A symbol of how the Ruler of the land was connected to their people. That they were one and the same, that one could not exist without the other.

Plus those who sat in the throne were told of how it was formed, by the dragging of the then Royal Executioner's axe up to the throne and then used on the King, the last time said ruler forgot the connection.

All My Girlfriends' Script

"Hey hun, do you have time for a coffee?"

The details are different every time, but the general flow is the same.

"This isn't easy for me to say..."

It's so hard to dump me, apparently.

"You know how bad I am with this sort of thing."

I'm such a good guy, but just not right.

"The last few months have been the best of my life."

Women need to work on themselves, I help them realise this.

"And I know it's not the usual way, but we're unusual, so..."

Here it comes.

"Will you please marry me?"

Wait, what?

Humanist Nature

"I made it quite clear to the nurses that I didn't want any religious stupidity, thank you. Let me die in peace dammit!"

She sat down next to my bed.

"I'm a non-religious pastor, are you sure you-"

I snorted.

"Even worse, at least the other idiots can fall back on the skybeing of their choice for their stupidity."

She stared at me, then glanced at my chart.

"I'd say I'll see you tomorrow, but you're a goner, looks like."

"What? I'll show you sister! I'll be outta bed by then, you'll see!"

She walked out smiling for some reason.

Problem Solution

Lots of little boxes, sitting in a row.
Lots of little people, shifting to and fro.
Lots of little dreams, hoping against hope.
Lots of little sins, the only way to cope.
Lots of little loves, bright spots in dark.
Lots of little lives, lived with no real mark.
Lots of little minds, unable to see from above.
Lots of little hates, incapable of love.
Lots of little problems, looking for a scapegoat.
Lots of little tricks, lies with a paint coat.
Lots of little troubles, needing a solution.
One big fix, but it'll need a hell of an absolution.

I'm Tired

I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of having to be responsible, having to make sure the people who rely on me get through the day and remain happy, or at least not unhappy, which is not the same thing.

I'm tired of the crushing, ever present doom that hangs over us all, the knowledge that without immediate action the future will be horrible, and that the people who can do that are actively working against it.

I'm tired of not getting enough sleep too.

I'd do the obvious, but the only thing worse that being tired Is not waking up.

The Mission

Janice needed a boyfriend, Sally told me over dinner. I agreed.

I should find her one, Sally 'suggested' over dessert. I agreed.

Todd was single and a nice guy, Sally told me how Janice hated him being so weak willed. I adjusted.

John was single and a determined businessman, Sally told me how Janice thought he was a total dick. I adjusted.

Joe, Alex, Robert, Steve and Francis were all sent in, all rejected. I fumed.

I suggested the internet, that was rejected. I fumed.

Janice and I met to work this all out, once and for all. We eloped.

The Candidate's Night

As the night wore on, I retreated further into the wine bottle, the numbers starting bad and getting worse. A commanding lead was the expected start, but it was assumed by most pundits and our own internal polling that the lead would shrink as the counting took place. But that turn around never came. It was fairly obvious by 8, but I held off, wanting to ensure the result was beyond doubt. But finally, I was forced to pull myself together, get up on stage, and pretend that this victory was watch wanted, that I was happy to have won.

Count Narcaos

The thralls had really put their heads together for this one. It was to be the Master's 300th birthday. So much so that a gift of another few virgin brides to feed upon and/or turn into thralls wouldn't do.

But what can you get a vampire?

Then Master's second bride had the idea. She remembered from before, when she was a hunter, that vampires were unable to see their reflection due to the silver in mirrors.

It took time, but they obtained a mirror made of gold.

Master appreciated the effort, but less so learning how hideous he looked.

Battery Power

They knocked the power out, but I had a solid 63% left.

I found a spot to watch outside, and started taking video of the troops and those helping them, then uploaded it. When I was done, i was down to 44%.

Got an order package, and you know how energy consuming the decode program is, down to 19%.

Bring up the maps to plan the move, 14%.

Had to wait for nightfall, was down to 5% by then.

Then they started the bombing.

Just enough to send out a warning to the resistance and a goodbye to my beloved.

Unshareable Knowledge

The Book turned up in the mail one day, no return address, no indication of where it came from. No title on the front, and a flick through revealed pages of handwriting.

I would have thrown it out, but I glanced at the first page and saw my name.

I read a few lines, it told me it was from 'a friend', and suggested 'lucky' numbers in specific lotteries.

Very quickly I became rich, and it guided me through a few years until it began to diverge from my reality.

At least I know which version of time travel exists.

The Touch

It had existed before time and space, if 'before was the right term. It had no reason to believe it wouldn't continue to exist if both went away. But since there was a now, it wanted to learn, to explore.

There were lifeforms that had some similarities to it, that only existed inside time and space. It was drawn to them, to inhabit them, briefly, to understand what it must be like to have so few dimensions.

Then it left, unaware that its interference in such single cell creatures began a chain reaction of evolution that led to, eventually, contemporaries.

Weak Lock

He'd spent a solid twenty minutes explaining how the computer system controlling the door was the top of the line, and that it was impenetrable.

"A lock is only as strong as its weakest part."

I said this as I pulled out my mobile phone and began typing. He scoffed.

"You honestly think you can hack this system with a mobile? Even if you got past the firewall, there are a dozen failsafe systems that will kick in and..."

He trailed off as the door slowly opened. My co-worker stuck his head out.

"Where's these donuts then?"

"Fine, point taken."

What I Could Have Done

I could have told you how I felt.

I could have spread rumors about him.

I could have hired someone up to steal him.

I could have set your parents against his.

I could have run him over with me car.

I could have not held my peace.

I could have taken advantage of your first big blow up.

I could have ruined the relationship at so many points, but I didn't, I let you love him, because I love you. Isn't that enough proof for you?

You want special credit for just being a normal, decent person? Fuck you.

Partial Success

Many seasons ago, my interstellar warp drive turned out to be instead a one-use universe shifting device, and I ended up here, in this land.

It didn't take me long to observe that magic was a real, quantifiable thing here, and while I'm always learning, I picked up the skillset fairly quickly. Like anything, test theories, adjust, advance.

At this point I'm not sure I would go back if I could. Perhaps one day my colleagues will find a way over, but why should I go back?

I'd have to pay back the money for the failed drive for starters...

The Evil In Our Hearts

The evil, the darkness, you can never win against it. No matter how hard you push back against it, you can never truly be rid of it. There will always be evil in some hearts, and there will always be others ready and able to entice that evil out, for their own beliefs, or for profit, or just for the hell of it. It's not possible to destroy it, there is always another dark pit, another depth ready to unleash itself on us all.

Which is why it's so important to fight them as hard as possible at every point.

Code Size 8

My bunkmate was halfway through telling me a story from his officer training when he noticed I had stopped dressing.

"My story that good?"

"Code 8."

He blanched. Code 8 was being captured by the Enemy and placed in a simulation of reality. It's how they learnt about us, and found out codes and tactics.

"What's your basis?"

"You know how my boots pinch my toes every time I put them on? Well they pinched me as I put on my boots."

"What? How is what you expected to happen happening a basis?"

"These are new boots."

The simulation ended.

Near Infinite Monkeys

The satellite was part of the Global Networking Initiative, linking the various national internets back together. It worked fine for a few years, but then it was struck by a meteor, right around the time the nations went back to war, so it was left offline for several years.

Then it came back on again, and began streaming nonsense to the world. Just the power couplings reconnecting, and random fluctuations. The fact that the occasional correct code was part of the nonsense was attributed to the infinite monkeys theorem.

That's why the alien intelligence inhabiting it is now called Shakespeare.

Pine Valley

I'd notched a dozen kills on my belt, not including Chinamen. But after every showdown, I kept hearing about how Wild Joe was the best gunslinger still alive.

So I got on my horse and headed into Pine Valley to kill Wild Joe.

I guess townsfolk were used to visitors like me, they pointed me towards the saloon. Inside, up the back, looking over the floor, an older gunslinger was drinking with a painted lady.

I strode up and was direct. Told him I was there to kill Wild Joe.

He laughed, as Josephine pulled her gun and shot me.

I Was Wrong

I thought, if I acted cool, I could hide the fact that I loved her. I was wrong.

I thought, if she found out, she'd laugh in my face. I was wrong.

I thought, if we started dating, we'd end up proving we weren't right for each other. I was wrong.

I thought, if we got married, it might help her focus and be happy. I was wrong.

I thought, if she continued to inject, that I'd find the strength to help her. I was wrong.

I thought, if not that, I could at least forget her.

I was right.

The Legendary Fight

The fight became legendary mere moments after it was done. Saving the universe from a madman with one swordfight tends to create a mythos, and this did so.

Mere moments after it was done, the Princess was already embellishing it to her guards. The bardic tales that grew from those were of course more fitting a dramatic pace and structure. Over time, it would grow more as it became legend, then folklore, then fairytale, then award winning comics, movies, and so on.

All of them missing crucial details. Like how the Hero of the Land cheated with the Princess' help.

Golden City Jungle

The first expedition into the jungles of the New Land was to find the Golden City that the invaders naturally assumed existed.

The second expedition was intended to bring back the remains of the first expedition, and maybe find the Golden City too.

The third expedition was just going to find the other two.

The man in charge of the planned fourth expedition asked the natives for advice first. The explained how the Jungle was the Mosquito God's domain and not to be entered lightly.

This was clearly just superstition and the fourth expedition set off and was also lost.

Running Out The Clock

The clock kept ticking over.

He was the last one left. Billions of years of existence has passed, and he was the very last living thing. Not even a microbe was still alive, just him and time itself.

Another few seconds past.

His kind lived for eons, and he'd experienced all the good art and culture of all the races, as well as all the bad art and culture. He still had lots of mediocre art, but he found staring down time more enticing.

He was sure time would die first.

Unaware it existed only as long as he did.

An End To It

He stood on the corner of 5th and Main every morning, a sign in his hands. Although it was replaced often, it always said the same thing, that 'The End Is Near'.

Most people have him a wide berth, as his wild eyed stare, unkempt beard, and quite powerful odor all added to the obvious conclusion that he had mental issues of one sort or the other.

But eventually someone finally asked him what he expected people to do to stop the end.

This caused him to stop his vigil, since he didn't want anyone to try and prevent it.

The Tale

The story was told to children all over the land, as they were put to bed. No matter what the bed was made of, no matter which tribe or kingdom or nation, the story was the same.

The brave child and their partner, the only ones to spot the animals pretending to be people, and no matter how much they were shushed, they kept saying it until they were believed.

None of the parents who told the story thought of it as anything but a tale to quiet down children.

Because none were alive the last time the shspeshifters invaded.

The Crucial Play

Over two hundred and fifty players, the best of the best of the best, were gathered to find one true champion. There had been upsets, routs, nail-biters, and blow-outs. But now, just two remained.

And while every game had been important to those playing, and everything had led to this, all in all, the entire tournament came down to just one play. Just one action was enough to settle the entire competition for the eventual grand champion.

Unfortunately for all the other players, that crucial play had been the one years ago that got the winner hooked on the sport.

Daily Script

The doctor had ordered he get fresh air every day, so he had his nurse push him down to the betting shop and back every day. And every day, it was the same script.

He'd see a robot gardener or sweeper, and he'd start off about how that used to be a human being's job. His nurse would humor him, as he went on and on about how it was horrible that jobs were being taken by machines. And he'd end every time by saying how glad he was the nurse wasn't a robot.

Only because he couldn't afford one.

Gossip Like Fishwives

She was known as the Gossiper as a joke, since she knew everyone's secrets but would charge for the time of day.

She'd made it through the years by making sure she was too valuable to kill but not disruptive enough to be silenced. But you can only keep plates spinning for so long, and thus she found herself ambushed by several different crime gangs over a fish dinner.

She went to stand and calm things down, but then she turned blue as she choked and died on a fishbone.

After several loud minutes she stood up and carried on.

Deal With A Devil

Exactly twenty years after The Client signed his soul away, I reappeared before him.

"Time's up!"

The Client mumbled something about not being ready.

"Oh come on, why does this always happen? You had a copy of the contract, you can count. No attempt at defense? Sure, as I explained, there's no one big guy up there, just a bunch of inferior beings, but you could still have tried to hook up with one!"

"Actually I did."

Suddenly My Superior grabbed me by my shoulder.

"I'm hooking up with one of them, he found out, so-"

I was suddenly non-existent.

Cascade

I found her slumped in the shower, lukewarm water cascading over her, the bottle of wine in her hand slowly becoming cordial.

I knew why she was there, as soon as I had heard what had happened to her business. This wasn't the reaction I'd expected, but then I wasn't sure what I did expect to find. I knew how much it had meant to, almost as much as she meant to me.

I wanted to pick her up, dry her off, help her. Instead I just swapped out her wine for a new bottle. Because I was still me.