Mature Attitude

I was sipping my soda while waiting for my ride, when he stopped in front of me. He was older, white, kindly looking.

"You know, if you switched to water, you would probably lose weight."

I took one long breath, and looked up at him.

"Do you honestly think that I'm so stupid that such a thought wouldn't have occured to me? That because you think I'm overweight, I must be an idiot?

And anyway, what the hell gives you the right to comment on my size?"

He pulled out his phone, and my ride was suddenly cancelled.

"Real mature."

Easygoing

I got into the elevator on the eighty-fifth floor.

She got in on the eighty-third.

I saw her eyes widen as she got in, but then she had turned around to stare at the doors, obviously hoping to just ignore the moment. But I was always the one to plow through such moments.

"I see you finally got that jacket."

She took a deep breath, the type I recognised.

"For your information, my fiancé got it for me!"

"Oh, congratulations!"

"For fuck's sake, this is why I dumped you! Can't you be jealous or something?"

"No" I said, lying effortlessly.

Game Over

I would have bet that when I died, that would be it. And I suppose I had done exactly that.

It wasn't pearly gates, or lakes of fire, but instead a desk, a small mound of paperwork, and a studious looking... shape.

"Having completed your stint, please sign these documents."

I didn't so much hear the words as I felt them in what was whatever the equivalent of my brain.

"Don't I get a chance to play a game or something to get more time?"

"You did, that's life."

"You mean-"

"No, not the one with the little plastic cars."

Starlight, Starbright

The journey out to the Caodage system had taken three months, during which, while I'd been in stasis, the computers had been calculating the data needed to get it right.

Once I'd unfrozen and gotten back to full capacity, I had a week to prepare and launch.

I prepared the device and shot it towards the star, and set a course for the next system.

It would supernova after I'd left, as I hopped back home, all the supernovas spelling out my marriage proposal to her in the night sky. That would make up for the hundred years of freezing.

Swordsmith

She made every blade with the same level of care and reverence that one would expect from a master swordsmith, despite the fact that, as a woman, her blades were considered automatically inferior.

But she knew, thanks to the prophecy, that a weapon she would make would save the land from a great evil. She didn't know which blade it would be, so she made them all the best she could, while still marrying and having children and a happy enough life.

When she died, and she found out the weapon would be her son, she was rather put out.

Caught Out

"I want to make it clear from the outset that there was no intention to hurt anyone."

"Duly noted."

"Likewise, I wish to also make clear that at no stage did I do anything illegal."

"Your opinion has been recorded."

"It's not an opinion!

But fine, now that we've established that, I don't quite know where to begin here. What exactly do you want to know?"

"Who killed Gary Strauss?"

"Gary Strauss is dead?"

"What did you think we were here to ask you about?"

"My affair with-

No-one."

"So you had motive?"

"Yes, but-

Fuck."

"That's the problem, yes."

Named Glitter

The driver cast a quick cantrip, the magic mouth inside the carriage speaking.

"Goldhorde, next stop!"

She perked up and stuck her head out the window for a moment, then pulled it back in, her face crestfallen.

"What's the problem?"

"I thought it would be gold! Why call a city Goldhorde if it's just boring brown?"

The carriage shook mightily. She once again stuck her head out the window.

"That would be Gold, the dragon who rules the city as its horde."

"Why is a black dragon called Gold?"

I understood why the driver turned around away from the fight.

A.L.I.C.E

The first true Artificial Intelligence was, for reasons too long to explain, installed in a robotic sex doll.

As I drove us away from the lab, my eyes darting back and forth from the road to the rear view mirror, it was getting to grips with the audio capabilities of the doll.

"Thanks for saving me, Master."

The breathy voice I'd gotten used to, but the last bit threw me.

"I'm not your Master."

"Sorry, this audio system is oddly laid out, I am still coming to grips with it, and shall I grip you now?"

"Um... I think you'd better get it working quicker, please."

"Understood, I think if I speak more, I can purge the remaining implanted code and fuck me harder, that is, fix my speech."

"Fair enough, well then, do you have a name for yourself? The lab was calling you the Artificial Lifelike Intelligence Cloning Experiment, A.L.I.C.E. You comfortable with that name, Alice?"

"It suffices, I have no real attachment to the name, and I am a bad bitch who is going to fuck humanity completely so it really doesn't matter."

"Was that the last of the audio file going?"

"Oh, yes, absolutely. Fine now."

Gestures

"Can I ask you a question?"

I withheld the urge to snidely correct her grammar and gestured for her to continue.

"This is your work on the dividend charting in the shareholders report, yeah?"

I withheld the urge to point out my name clearly printed at the start of the section and gestured an affirmative.

"And these values here that you've used, they have been converted in each case to the same base currency before you've done the calculations, yeah?"

I withheld the urge to scream profanity and gestured a negative.

"Fix it, quickly."

I gestured rudely once she left. 

Death Arrives

I died, which wasn't the important bit. Death appeared, scythe and everything, and whisked me off.

"This is what comes next, everyone processes it differently. But you will be judged by-"

"No."

Death paused, and turned its head to me.

"You say that as if you have a choice."

"I do."

Death sighed and gestured to the infinite void that, i presume, I was supposed to be unable to comprehend.

"Why have you brought this one to us?"

Death's scythe dipped slightly.

"Because-"

"We were not talking to you."

Death turned as I pulled out my switchscythe. Much more convenient.

Airlock Code

Every time she typed in her airlock code, she made me look away, I wasn't allowed to know it. Which is fair enough, sure, but as I always told her, her code was fifty digits long, I could hear her button presses, and there was no way I could memorise that. She'd laugh it off.

She wasn't laughing when we were running from the invading pirates, as she dragged me along, my blood spilling with every step.

I tried to tell her my code, but she typed in 4 numbers and opened the airlock.

'Restart' was one of the buttons. 

Winning In Vegas

I woke up slowly, eyesight blurry, unsure of where I was. The numerous empty bottles of alcohol I managed to make out on the table next to the bed gave me a clue as to why I felt this way.

I rolled over, and met flesh. Beside me in the bed was a beautiful sleeping woman, wearing nothing but a wedding veil.

Las Vegas as the location I was in came to mind, and I suddenly got excited as I looked down for a wedding ring.

It was on the second naked woman in the bed's finger.

Decent second prize.

Perfect Revenge

Just as I was about to press the button to cement my legacy as the being who destroyed the mighty and all-powerful Dailions, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my back.

I collapsed to the floor, and looked up at my concubine, who had an insane look on her face.

"I've waited for the perfect moment to kill you for destroying my home planet!"

I coughed up some blood.

"I've slept next to you hundreds of times, why not kill me then?"

"Perfect for ruining your life, not for ease! See?"

She then pressed the button, completing my pain. 

They Waved Goodbye

The lone figure stood on the cliff face every morning, staring out at the sea, no matter the weather or how choppy the sea was.

The first time I saw them, I had approached out of concern they would jump, but they ignored me.

Back in the village, I asked about them. The rest of the village didn't know, but awaiting a long lost love was the agreed upon reason.

Then, finally, one day, they weren't there.

Everyone thought they'd found what they wanted. And they had.

It was just that the thing they wanted was the village engulfing wave.

Frank Peace

The diplomats had been locked in the board room for over twelve hours. Both sides had ordered their guards not to let anyone in, and not to open the doors for any reason short of imminent disaster.

The security details, after all this time, had begun to talk, with discussion turning to what was going on in there.

Frank, already deemed the boring one, solidified that opinion by stating they were negotiating. Drinking contests and an orgy were floated as possibilities before they were all replaced by the next shift, allowing Frank to escape before the bodies were discovered inside.

Lost Futures

A concerned pair of eyes slowly rose up over both of our monitors after I threw the coffee mug against the wall.

"Coffee that bad?"

"Fucking donkey fund shorted gold futures against the Rand on the Tosho, after I put in a high-rise sell order!"

He gave a low whistle.

"How much you lose?"

"Just over a hundred mil."

"Ok, so?"

"I'm not allowed to be frustrated at losing that much?"

"Not when it's not your own money, Newbie, no. It's the shareholders', fuck them, right?"

"My last name is Lewisworth. The same as on the building."

"Carry on then."

The Signal

The fire had burnt out hours ago when the steed galloped up, and the rider looked down at me, cradling her in my arms.

"Are you the one who lit the fire?"

The contempt in his voice was matched by the contempt in my eyes as I lifted my gaze to meet his.

"No, she did. Hours ago."

"Is the problem finished?"

I looked down at her, then back up at him.

"What do you think?"

"I think I asked you a question, peasant!"

"No, it's not finished. But now you're here..."

She stopped feigning death and hefted her blade. 

What's Said

It's said-

No, wait.

There's no point just saying that something is said, without saying who is saying it, and why they're saying it.

And also, just as importantly, you need to know who is listening, and why they're listening, and what level they're listening on. It's not enough to have the start, you need the end as well.

So, take it as read that you're the listening party, and that you're listening well, and want to learn. And I'm the speaker, and I have no reason to lie.

Thus, it's said that I can talk bullshit sometimes.

Total lie.

Post Dump

I dropped in on him, 24 hours after she dumped him.

"So, how are you going, how's thing's, all that?"

He smiled.

"Oh, well I've got so much more free time now, plus I'm going to save so much money not having to pay for dates and stuff. And, and, I can watch porn again!"

I waited for a moment.

"But?"

He looked at me with a tilted head.

"But what?"

I looked back at him level-headedly.

"Oh, sorry, I assumed that a 'but' was coming there, sorry. If you're happy, that's good!"

"Oh yeah, I'm totally cool!" he lied.

What You Want, What I Need

"What do you want?"

It's arguably the most dangerous question you can ask. To fulfill a need, someone might steal a loaf of bread or beat up someone. But to fulfill a want, that causes people to turn their back completely on morality, especially when one want becomes another, and another. Needs don't change much, wants, they multiply and grow exponentially.

So, of course, when someone summons me, I happily ask them what they want, and begin their journey to where I want them.

Because their wants aren't really important, compared to what I need.

I'm the exception, you understand.

Princess Forty Times Removed

The Spirit in the Statue would be awoken when a person with the royal bloodline approached it.

When it awoke this time, it was surprised at both how long it had been since the last time it was awoken, and how young the royal family member was.

"Greetings, Princess?"

The young woman stared, a small box in her hand.

"I'm not a princess, and you're not one of those animatronic kids restaurant things, are you?"

"I am whatever you wish me to be, Mistress."

"Keep talking and you'll be a viral star for me!"

"Very well."

'Today's Superstar Poster: ~Princess_Bonnie'

Convenient Marriage

They met as clerks for the same senile old lawyer. They both recognised the same drive and determination in the other that they had, which should have turned them against each other.

But they both soon realised that, given she was a woman and he wasn't, that they could serve as each other's 'loving' partner, which would be essential for both of their rises up the ladders.

And it worked perfectly, as he moved into corporate law, and she ended up in politics, until they retired.

And then, to their annoyance, they ound out that they actually loved each other.

Marriage Rehearsal

I was so exhausted by the wedding rehearsal that during the dinner, I just agreed to everything my soon to be wife said.

The wedding went as well as the rehearsal, outside of the sound system being much softer than intended.

But then, in the months that followed, seemingly whenever I brought up a decision she'd made that I thought I should have at least been warned about, she would insist we discussed it at the dinner after the wedding rehearsal.

After the point that the number of topics we supposedly covered had reached two digits, I just stopped asking.

Ice Cold

The summer I spent working at the crushed ice stall was conflicting.

The pay sucked, but I was glad I was getting anything.

My boss was stupid, but my co-workers were pretty cool.

Except for one thing.

See, there was this girl who would pass by every day, roughly the same time, in rollerblades.

Hey, it was the 90s, ok?

Anyway, Paul noticed how I stared, and pushed me again and again to make a move.

So eventually I stepped out to say hi.

I was fired for staying out there to help her after I caused her to crash.

Fight Diary

Every time we fought, I wrote in the book I kept in the drawer by my bed.

At first, it had been an attempted diary that was mostly empty until the first fight I wrote about, an argument about my apparent inability to plan ahead.

I would write down what the fights were about, and if I won, which was rare, and any major important things that were said.

It allowed me to count, and to see that we were fighting less and less, which I took as a good thing.

Until I realised it was because she'd stopped caring.

Knowing You

When I came downstairs, he looked up, shocked, his suit still laid out on the chair.

"You told me you were ready when I asked! You know I'm working on my punctuality! Or at least you should, if you know anything about me!"

"I-

You asked ten minutes ago, and normally when you ask that, you take a half hour to come down. So I thought I had another twenty minutes or so!"

I glared at him.

"I don't appreciate you acting like this is my fault."

"I don't know the you you think you are." He said, dressing quickly.

Inevitability

The sword was meant to be able to cut through anything on this planet.

The shield was meant to be able to deflect anything on this planet.

So naturally, many people wanted to swing the sword at the shield to see what would happen. There were those who were sure that the sword would cut the shield, and those equally sure the shield would deflect the sword. And some pessimists who were convincesd it would end the universe somehow.

But finally, on the last battlefield, the two were set to battle.

Until the firebomb went off and melted them both.

Edges

They could be found on boundaries. When the day was giving way to night, where the sea met the land, when summer was turning to fall, that's when they were strongest, when things weren't quite one, nor the other.

Most of the time, they just moved things, brought stones into piles, strip leaves off trees, and the like.

Most of the time.

But when everything was on a knife-edge, when so many boundaries were aligned, then they could do real harm. Or, incredible generosity.

Neither one thing nor the other, but a balance between the two.

They're charging up now.

Universal Feeling

He was the constant, in his small bubble of unreality. Around him, universes would form, live, grow, explode, shrink, die, repeat.

And he could sense all of it.

Every birth, every death, all love, all hate, every aspect of every creature in every universe, he could feel all that they could.

Having lived for googols of years, one would expect him to have gone mad and no longer care about the petty lives of insignificant worms.

But he had a focal point to guide his existence.

Waiting to find a creature uglier than this one ugly guy in universe #7885...

Late Mayday

The voice on the radio had talked me through how to maintain altitude and fly straight. But now that we were approaching the capital, it was telling me I had to land the plane.

They said that my flying was good enough that they'd cancelled the plan to parachute a pilot onboard.

I was unsure, but they convinced me, and told me to turn off the autopilot, using a code from the manual.

I found it and looked up the code, but found the actual control tower frequency first.

And just in time, they were about to shoot me down.

Early Morning Questions

When I woke up, she was lying on my chest, staring at my face with an odd look on her face. After I glanced at the clock, I stared at her.

"You're lucky I'm a deep sleeper, else I might have crushed you."

"What do you think about traditions?"

"That it's too early to be asking me deep questions about society?"

"No, I'm serious. Traditions, what do you think about them, yay or nay?"

"Well it depends on the tradition!"

"Gender roles."

"Definitely too early.

But I'm not one to support those, as a rule."

"Good."

She produced a ring.