Making A Killing

The ghost appeared and tried to scare me with a loud screech, with lots of teeth and such.

I sighed and shook my head.

"New here?"

The ghost looked confused.

"Look, I get it, you died, that sucks, I get it, and you have the compulsion to try and kill someone else, that's to restore the balance of life and death, just so you know. But the scary faces and such, they only work in specfic circumstances.

So look, just work with me here, I have bookings for assassinations, just go where I tell you, and we both win, cool?"

Uploaded

I had only a few minutes to upload the file. There was no time for discussion of the whats and whys I'd left it so late, that could, and would, come later. All that mattered was that the file was fully uploaded before midnight.

I watched the progress bar with more intensity than I'd watched anything in my life, as it moved, slowly, quickly, paused, backwards even? But finally, with a few seconds left, it finished.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, until midnight passed.

And I saw that it was still waiting for a description and wasn't finished.

Levelled Out

It was to be the great equaliser. He'd spent a few years piecing together all the code he needed for the virus to do what he wanted. It would hack into every computer system that held financial records and remove all evidence and trace of owed money. Medical debts, student loans, home loans, all of it gone in an instant. Once people destroyed their hard records, they would be free.

The virus worked, but then the government just rammed through legislation that allowed those in power to 'calculate' owed money based on their own judgement.

It levelled everyone with debt.

Typed Up

The Embassy had been sending the messages for months, highly encrypted, cutting edge stuff.

We had dozens working on it for most of those months, intercepting them, analysing, trying to break the encryption.

Eventually, after we called in almost all our top people, and dedicated most of our tech to the project, we finally broke the encryption, revealing it was their supply requests. Like for paperclips and coffee stirrers.

Everyone began to work on breaking this obvious code system. Except me, as I began to focus on all the other messages they'd been sending unencumbered as we'd focused on this.

Call Around

When criminals, sorry, "enterprising individuals" reached out for someone to hack into a computer or security system, they always have lofty ideas of what they assume I'm like, not to mention my set up.

They expect some supernerd with a computer system out of a space station. The amateurs are disappointed when they see me and learn my most used skills are sounding pleasant on the phone as I ask about password protection. The experts just want to know if I can do the job.

Of course, for the rare times the phone call fails, my computer is space station-esque. 

Sunrise

As I opened my eyes, I saw another blasted sunrise, and I had to ask myself if I truly cared about seeing another.

The world was a trashfire at the best of times, and this was very much not the best of times. And then all my personal losses had come, one after each other, until I had nothing left, practically.

And so, here I was, contemplating... things, as I stared into the sun that had been around for billions of years, and would be around for billions more.

The bastard.

Spite isn't a traditional driver, but works for me.

Belt Tightening

I paused for the fifteen time that hour to pull up my pants. She couldn't help but notice.

"You ok?"

I sighed.

"I've lost weight recently, and now my pants keep falling down."

"Oh, congratulations!"

"It's not a positive, I'm sick of having to yank on these things!"

She seemed shocked.

"But think of all the health benefits you have!"

"I think of them maybe once an hour. I'm pulling up my pants once a minute. No contest."

"So buy new pants!"

"I can't, I've spent all my money on all the fresh food needed to lose the damn weight!"

Working Backwards

Glory, one of Earth's best heroes, was tasked with monitoring the planet for threats this day, from up high on the Lighthouse Station.

Like most days on watch duty, it was incredibly boring. So, for lack of options, she was talking to Sea Gal, whom she usually found unbearably stupid, as she complained about Dirt Man.

"So I told him, just because we have similar origins for our powers, doesn't mean we're going to be a team. Although he did have a good idea for a duo name."

"Surf and Turf?"

Sea Gal stared at her.

"I gotta call him!"

Parched

I had to leave a message to-

//////////////

I woke up in a white room, chair, table, glass of water.

No, glass that used to hold water, was now mostly empty, the glass having spilt out on the table.

No, not spilt, poured... No, wait, used as a writing implement, in a way, someone had tried to write out something in the water.

It was hard to make out, some letters had merged together.

"I am... Looping?"

Wait, looping? I-

//////////////

I woke up in a white room, chair, table, glass of water.

No, spilt water.

I cleaned it up, neat, tidy.

Runner

MI appreciated the fact that she didn't play hard to get or flirted in a subtle way. Instead, she was upfront about wanting to be a relationship with me.

The more I told her that it was a bad idea and that she was making a huge mistake, the more insistent that I had to stop talking myself down, and that she had made her choice and wouldn't say no.

Eventually, I gave up and started to open up, and awaited the inevitable.

Shockingly, she didn't run away.

But she did try to change me, so I had to run.

The Election Result

Look, I'm not saying that this is the moment where everything is now sunshine and lollipops. There will be problems, setbacks, issues. Things will go badly, things will be disappointing and upsetting. There is no magic bullet to fix everything, and even if there was, this wasn't the firing of it. It's not a huge step forward, arguably things will be more of the same, in some distressing ways.

But the thing is, the obviously evil people aren't in charge, and dammit, I'm going to take that win for one night.

And start working to keep the baddies out tomorrow.

They Thought It Was Me

I got in my car and drove, not caring where I was going, only what I was leaving behind.

After a few moments, my phone began to ring. One glance told me who it was, the expected call.

It made a surprisingly satisfying sound as it exploded on the road as i threw it out my window.

I ended up in the suburbs, and pulled into a gas station. I was about to fill up when I realised they'd probably have blocked my cards.

So I tossed the keys at the nearest man and walked away.

Their crash complicated things.

Tab T Into Slot S

What was supposed to happen wasn't clear, as the device just sitting there, humming slightly, was an understandable outcome of him pressing a button on his remote. But he seemed most distressed.

"How can it fail? I was so clear!"

"You were clear?"

"The Me from the future! He explained everything!"

I began proceedings to have him committed, as clearly he was insane. He was committed, and as his supervisor, I took control of his belongings.

I fixed the error I'd introduce into his machine, got some make up on, and went back to give me control over the machine.

Grand Advice

When I was a child, my grandfather, in-between drinking his home-made wine and complaining about groups of people he never interacted with, would tell me that I should find a wife, as early as possible. That he'd not be half the man he was if he didn't have my grandmother to support him through his life. That this was a world where you had to walk side by side with someone else. That I needed a wife, no question.

My grandmother, when she wasn't cleaning or cooking, simply told me that whatever I did, just don't become like my grandfather.

Management

What the division lacked was an understanding of the female mind. Not to say that the men weren't the best of the best, but they still had their limits. So I hired a couple women to offer support. Those already in the division gave them a warm welcome with some ribbing, to make them feel at home, aprons in their lockers, nothing too bad.

And our clearance rate improved when they started, but then there were anonymised complaints coming in about sexual harassment, so clearly we had to make changes.

Losing those complaining women wasn't that big a deal, really.

Clean Up Crew

Not that I wanted to have a gang war on my doorstep, but one was inevitable, and I at least managed to kick it off on my own terms, rather than waiting for one of the other groups to start it.

The fight lasted two weeks, every night another opportunity to get a bullet in the back of my head, either from the other gangs or one of my lieutenants wanting to take advantage of my distraction.

But, we managed to get.through things, the other gangs wiped out.

Then I started on my lieutenants, until everything was clean and safe.

Starting A Universe

Glory had jumped in the way of the beam assuming it was a weapon, but instead found herself floating in nothingness.

Suddenly, a figure made of dark energy exploded, and she saw a universe, her universe, come into being.

"Behold, your universe beginning."

The superhero looked around for the phantom voices source.

"What? I thought it began with the Nine Rings forming? Or with a word from the Cosmic Creator?"

The voice sighed.

"A universe this powerful requires multiple beginnings."

"That makes no sense."

"You float and are stronger than a black hole."

"Well consider it a professional opinion then!"

Making Nest Eggs

The bird turned up near the end of a long day cutting wood, so I didn't have the energy to shoo it away, and it looked too scrawny to eat. So I left it alone.

And when it turned up the next day (the markings on its wing were very distinctive), I was busy putting in foundations.

Every day I continued to build my house, and every day I came up with an excuse not to bother it. It's now got a nest on the outside of the cabin.

It lays a lot of eggs, bit tangy but still good.

Missing Them

I couldn't tell you when the change occurred, but there was a marked change from the point I started at and the point I found myself at.

I'd started with hope and stars in my eyes, and the intervening years had ground me down, with all the battles I'd fought, the lives I've taken, to stop them taking mine.

And now, I stood atop a mountain of skulls, and I wish that was a metaphor.

But the fact is, as much as I miss that ideological young man, at least I'm still here to miss them, unlike others I'd killed.

Waking Up Alone

I woke up hungover and alone. Like, on the planet, I was alone.

I assumed, that is. The internet, before it went out, only had bots posting on it, and while it's possible there's someone in the middle of Africa or something, I seemed to be alone.

I managed to set up farming and that fairly easily in the flower nursery down the road, and began to try and establish order, until I remembered the space station.

Eventually, its escape craft came down, with the occupants of the station.

Unfortunately, I was still technically the only human on the planet.

Fire Miracle

Once the water subsided,, I headed out from my mountain top, and began to make my way through the mud, looking for anything salvageable.

After a few days, I came across a firepit, with a lit fire. Now, assuming a miracle had not occurred, that meant someone else was alive. So I made laps around the area, but couldn't find a soul, or even any other sign that there was life.

Eventually, with a lack of options, I poured water on the fire.

The fire went out, which just made me more confused, until I heard the angry shout.

Wash Out

I washed out of the guarding training, which got me some notoriety, given that the only ways you're supposed to be able to Ieave are as a guard or dead.

So naturally people wanted to know what happened. And I milked it for all it was worth, every elf or half-orc who asked at the tavern would get a tale for the price of a few drinks. Soon enough people worked out I was lying every time, and people stopped asking, and accepted me as another lowlife.

Which was good, since I could start reporting back crimes to my captain.

Rigged

She stormed into my office.

"I thought you were despicable, but this is low, even for you!"

I signed another Christmas card, then looked up at her.

"What exactly do you think I've done now?"

"You rigged an online poll of school children to support your policies to-"

"I have no need to rig any such polls."

She stared at me.

"But these results are-"

"You don't need to rig a poll, online or otherwise, when you've already 'rigged' the minds of children."

She stormed out.

Of course, when it's so easy to rig an online poll, might as well.

Efficiency

The army was camping in the valley, hidden from obvious observation, but reliant on lookouts to alert them to any approach. This was efficient, but also easily broken, as by taking out one lookout, I was able to sneak into the camp.

The General's tent was in the center of the camp, an efficient location for such an important place, but also expected, I was able to find it easily.

The General was surrounded by elite guards, who were the best of the best, but also wore fully enclosed helmets.

The General ate efficiently, but failed to hire food testers.

Failed Experiment

I was so close, but I forgot to allow for a cosmic crosswind, and the device blew up.

I felt my body dissolve into atomic dust, and then everything paused.

A figure, cloaked in darkness, appeared before me.

"You do not have to die here. You may yet live. Agree, and someone else will die in your place."

I took a moment.

"If you can do that, why not just save me?"

The figure snorted.

"Because the universe requires balance, and-"

"No it doesn't!"

The figure paused.

"Ok, I'm running an experiment, everyone gets the offer.

Surprisingly low acceptance rate."

Pulled Thread

I stepped into the break room, seeing the two of them hunched over a phone.

"What's going on?"

They looked up.

"Brian got access to the ChatsUp thread of the sales force!"

I must have looked confused, as Alice began to explain what ChatsUp was.

"No, no, I know all that, I just don't see why that matters."

"We can see what they've been saying about us! Wanna see?"

I sighed and grabbed the phone, and typed into the search bar.

"No mentions, good, don't care anyway."

I handed the phone back.

"Hey, you mistyped your name!"

I'd already left.

The Unprofessional

I was put into contact with them via one of my more unsavoury associates, the phone ringing at midnight.

"Hello."

"Hello, they call me The Unprofessional."

I paused.

"Is that because you're so good you end Professionals?"

They laughed.

"Clever, but no. I cause a lot of collateral damage, I'm very messy, and people know it is me."

I paused once again.

"Why should I use you then?"

"Well, I'm also Unprofessional because I'm cheaper than the others, plus I've never been caught."

"That's quite Professional..."

"Because I kill every cop who investigates me."

"Fair enough, you're hired."

"Fuck you."

The Egg

The Egg was just one of the many antiquities the School owned that was known to be important and such, but also useless.

Decades ago, the finest minds in the school's facilities had, after the school obtained The Egg, used every magical spell and item they could think of to try and hatch it. When they failed, it was deemed impossible.

In the years since, there'd been the occasional bright Idea, some new spell, some new artefact. But nothing magically powerful worked.

Until I had the idea of grabbing it and sticking it under a chicken for a few days.

End Times

When the mountains have fallen into the sea, when the forests have all turned to dust, when every star has burnt out of the sky, when the rivers have run dry, when all that you know and love and care about has lived, died, turned to dust and blown to the four corners of the earth, when all that can happen has happened, all that will happen has happened, all that must happen has happened, then, and only then, will someone admit that perhaps they might be persuaded to be less evil in politics.

But not a moment before then.

Spymaster Division

I expected to have to explain my request, but only to my captain. When I walked into the office and saw my captain, his general, and his admiral, I was suddenly less sure of my position. But I saluted and waited.

"So Private, I have here the form you submitted for a transfer to the Spymaster Division."

"Sir yes sir, I believe that I would be an asset for the division-"

"Private, that's not the question. The question is how the hell you found out about it!"

"Sir, isn't that proof i belong there?"

The admiral laughed, I was in.

Crew Survey

My time with the crew was short, but enlightening. They all spoke so warmly when they were in public, and then maintained that warm feelings in private, until it was made clear that their comments would be anonymised and not recorded against them.

Then, they spoke much less positively, in fact very negatively, about the captain, the ship, every aspect of the situation, I received many negative, anonymous comments.

Attached is a list of comments, as well as who said them.

Although I should point out being lied to by superiors came up a lot in the comments, ironically enough.