Best Act

"And the award goes to... WALLACE JONES!!"

He stood up slowly and walked towards the stage as the audience applauded and the voice-over spoke about how this was his ninth nomination and first win in this category.

He stepped up onto the stage and took the small gold statue as his life and career, which by now was the same thing, flashed before his eyes. He considered every hard night's work on set and harder night's spent shmoozing and doing other things he hated, all to just to get to this moment. He asked himself;

Was it worth it?

"YES!!!!" 

Posse Caught

The Sherrif called out from his horse just before daybreak.

"McGowan! Get out here!"

The Farmer eventually lit a lamp and stuck his head out of the window.

"Morning Sheriff. I see you brought a posse."

"You know what this is about, time to pay for your crimes!"

"Do they know what my crimes are?"

"No, and they don't need to! You gonna come quietly or-"

Later on, those in the posse who survived the subsequent few minutes agreed that actually, yes, they needed to know The Farmer was wanted for robbing banks after blowing up things with buried bombs. 

Sent A Message

As I used the waterproof matches to light a fire, I glanced over everything that had washed up from the shipwreck with me. I hadn't paid THAT much attention to the talk about long term survival but what I remembered was focusing on getting a message out.

To that end, I picked up the radio once the fire had dried it out, and after a moments of fiddling, I turned it on.

Only to hear half a dozen people all broadcasting at once about bombs flying and how it was the end of the world.

I examined my supplies carefully.

Old College Try

We met on our first day of college, where we got into a rather heated argument about a certain animal welfare group. We wanted to avoid each other, but like some sick joke, we were in the exact same degree, same courses, same classes, and we were on two ends of a large friend group.

Things only got worse as the years went on, neither of us wanting to give the other the satisfaction of changing classes first.

By the time we got our degrees, everyone assumed we'd end up as a couple.

Thank goodness we didn't, can you imagine? 

Infallible Design

She held her arms out.

"And so yes, I'm an angel, doing God's work."

The others gasped, while I shook my head. She noticed.

"I know you have doubts-"

"No, I have fundamental issues with the logic here. The one good line from a bad movie was asking what does a god need with a starship, why does a God need a lesser being to do their work, if they're all powerful?"

She shook her head.

"Their infallible design-"

I snorted and walked out.

Never saw her, or the others again, until the reports about the siege on a farm. 

Wake Up Juice

I stood in front of the coffee machine as coffee began to flow, slowly, out of the dispenser nozzle and into my mug, the one with the chip above the faded 80's cartoon character stating their overused catchphrase.

Technically I was stealing from the company, as my shift had started, but coffee retrieval was an acceptable delaying tactic, plus it got me caffeine suspended in a not unpleasant delivery system.

So I stood there, waiting, before I noticed my mug was overflowing as I'd spaced out for almost an hour.

That's when I finally realised no-one else cared here either. 

Broken Information

As the Information Broker sat there with his smug little smile, I snapped, pulled out my blaster and fired.

The shot slammed into an invisible screen and his smile became a full laugh.

"You ain't the first spacerat to try and shoot me. I'm in a perfectly sealed chamber! Nothing can get in or out!"

The girl who refused to leave me alone looked confused.

"How do you eat, drink?"

He pointed to a replication machine.

"All my waste is re-energised, with my black hole generator-"

As soon as he revealed that, she focused, and the black hole suddenly expanded.

Old Trap

The Treasure Seeker and her local guide had spent weeks searching for the hidden temple, and finally found it, half submerged in a lake deep in the jungle.

With rebreathers and underwater flares, the two swam through the lower levels before emerging into the upper levels, and soon found the target, where on the sacrificial altar was the jewelled dagger. As she reached out, the guide cautioned her, reminding her if ancient traps.

She picked up the dagger, laughing as she pointed out ancient traps were always broken due to neglect.

The guide agreed as he struck her from behind. 

The Van Gogh-Gaiman Scale

The man on the couch looked at the doctor as he answered her question.

"The thing is...

So, I can give you any number of creative geniuses whose work is in large part because of mental health issues, which then led to them creating the art they're best known for.

And then in turn, you'll give me an equal number of equally creative geniuses who managed to create art just as amazing with a healthy mind and healthier life.

So I have no excuse not to be one!"

"What about all their hard work and training?"

"That's not the point!"

Softly Falling

We both fell to our knees, under the shade of the Cherry Blossom tree. Blood was seeping from her chest plate, while my arm was only attached by the remains of my armor.

We both looked at each other. We both knew what honor and our flags ordered us to do. We were both supposed to sacrifice ourselves in order to ensure the other didn't survive.

Cherry blossoms slowly fell as we stared at each other.

When they found our bodies, our swords were out, and they were plunged into flesh.

The fact it was our own didn't actually matter. 

The Maker Triplets

On the Custodians Spacebase, Glory was giving the welcoming tour to the new members.

"And in here is the Tailoring, Armorer, and Wearable Technology Consultants."

As the triplets waved, the constantly dripping Sea Gal raised a damp hand.

"Aren't they all the same thing?"

The three of them all scoffed.

"I design and maintain the technology that will enhance and multiply your inate powers."

"While I design the armor that will deflect and withstand anything up to a direct thermonuclear blast."

"And I, most importantly, keep you off paparazzi porn sites after your battles."

Glory nodded with clearly regretful understanding. 

Herbwoman

She wasn't a witch, but a herbwoman, which was much more difficult. Sure, she saved on decorations and bubbling cauldrons, but since she refused to lie or make any mystical claims about her creams and potions, most people didn't come to her, preferring what was basically the same thing, just with a large mark-up for theatrics.

So she could only afford to live in a small village and only just barely survived day to day, week to week.

But then the witchhunters began to roam around and do as their name suggested. She didn't complain much after that started happening. 

This Feels Like A Video Essay Question

Fourth walls are interesting. Not the ones as part of your home, at least I'm not talking about their interestingness now, but rather the fourth wall built in plays abs movies and such, the agreement the audience and the artists make that although cameras and the audience are there, they're non-diagetic, not part of the reality of the art piece.

And while breaking the fourth wall is a fascinating subject, my interest lies elsewhere.

Where is the fourth wall in pro wrestling?  Because the audience is there, and they are part of the show, and yet...

Gotta think this over. 

Know Knowing A Guy

We stared at the body in the trunk of the car.

"Ok, so we're in a city where they'll shoot us on sight, with a stolen car, a bag of jewellery so hot it makes the sun look cold, and we just killed a guy. We are screwed."

"Well, I do know a guy who-"

She turned and pointed a finger in my face.

"HOW? You said you've never been here before, yet you know a guy, here, like the thousand other guys you know?"

I eventually calmed her down enough to quietly open the KnowAGuy app and ordered clean-up.

14th Of 2nd

So today is Valentine's Day. And I am very much single, with no plans or real hope of changing that any time soon.

Now, I could get angry and blame this on all women, end up like the other sad little men with all their different names and identities that all just boil down to hating women. But as my verbiage hopefully shows, there's no way I'm falling into that trap.

Not because I'm some super-genius, but because of one simple fact.

I have no significant other to love. But I love myself. And that's all you need, deep down. 

Meow

We'd agreed to meet at the non-working water clock fountain in the middle of the mall when we were done, but after fifteen minutes I was getting concerned. When her mobile went straight to voicemail I got more concerned.

But then I thought I saw her in a nearby pet shop, approached, and immediately a small black cat ran from somewhere and began to climb up my trousers and onto my shirt.

I stared at it, stunned, more than anything, as it meowed at me repeatedly.

"Sue?"

"Hey!"

My girlfriend approached me, not that I thought anything else was happening.

Cooling Off

I pulled the string and heard the hiss of the self-heating bag under my lunch heating up.

"Those things will kill you."

I looked up at the woman from marketing who was for some reason having lunch down here in engineering.

"It's fresher than your triple shot caramel latte there."

She snorted.

"These are natural flavors! Not like all the preservatives in that ugly mess!"

I blinked a few times.

"You do realise this is one of our meals we make here, right?"

"Exactly! I know what goes into them!"

She left, head held high, as I burned myself accidentally.

Fucked Up The Plan

The plan was simple. I had the code for the door, the floor plan that included all the laser tripwires, pressure plates, and of course the security cameras. One guard would get a phone call from his wife (or rather, the AI fake her), and thus leave the office to take it, and the "power surge" would happen, forcing the other one to reboot the system, giving me 90 seconds to get in, get to the office, steal the file, and leave.

And it all got fucked up because two of the cleaning staff were fucking on the boss' desk.

Telling On Myself

I would have told my MMO guildmates that I broken up with my girlfriend had any of them ever asked, but they didn't.

I told my actual IRL friends that we had broken up because both of us agreed that the vibes were gone.

I told my mother about the break up in slightly vague turns so that she'd jump to the wrong conclusion (as per usual) and blame her for everything.

I told her that I just couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone right now, when I dumped her.

I told myself this was a kindness. Repeatedly.

Denial

I wasn't going to tell her I was leaving, I was just going to go, and assume she would work it out.

But she was at the door as I opened it.

We stared at each other for a long moment.

"Look, we both knew this was coming."

She shook her head.

"Do we? Because every time I asked if something was wrong, you denied it. So this should be a surprise to you."

I blinked, figuratively and literally.

"Fine, I lied, happy?"

"Of course not!"

I didn't expect her to force me back inside to work on the relationship. 

Gift Giving

Just as the Good Fairies were giving the Baby Princess her gifts, the windows opened suddenly and a cold wind blew in, snuffing out the candles. The smoke from the suddenly snuffed candles grew thick rapidly and swirled into the form of the Mountain Witch.

"Well well, the Princess is shown to rhe court, and I'm not invited? How very rude!"

The Queen stood up.

"You were invited! The page got your mark on the receipt and everything!"

The Witch blinked a few times in confusion.

Eventually, after a brief discussion, the Good Fairies gave her the gift of literacy. 

Too Small To Crush

He only ever called himself Thorn, a reference to some old scifi film I think. He was crazy, but he bought one of every paper and magazine I stocked, no matter the subject, so I put up with his rants about "the patterns in lies" and what was really going on in the world.

I always believed that he couldn't be right simply because if he was, the global conspiracy he had somehow got right would crush him.

Although when he finally stopped coming, I got worried, until I heard that police found him crushed under boxes of old magazines.

Clean Getaway

I was trying to calculate which soap was cheapest given each one seemed to be a different size when my calculator app was replaced with an incoming call from my girlfriend. I accidentally pressed decline (it was right where the equal sign was) but I called her right back. She answered rather slowly.

"Hey-"

"YOU CHEATING BASTARD!

I just went by your house and saw a woman enter in a maid's outfit, so, what, you expect me to think she's just cleaning?"

"I don't have a maid!"

She didn't believe me until I filed a police report about the burglary. 

Technological Advances

The first starship to head to Alpha Centarui was a gigantic colony ship, estimated to take a century to get there.

Fifty years later, a faster ship with humans generically modified to be able to hibernate was sent, and would take fifty years on the trip.

Forty years after that, a ship with suspended animation was launched, that would make the trip in a decade.

As they were due to arrive, the first ship with transwarp capabilities was launched, and warped to meet the rest at the destination.

Where they all met the time travellers who got there centuries prior.

Banquet Benefit

I raised my glass and waited for the room to quiet down. When it was down to one obnoxious idiot laughing in the back, and he didn't stop after a few seconds, I powered on.

"Gentlemen and ladies! I am pleased to report another stellar year in our quest to ensure those who would have us descend to the madness of socialism and for god's sake would whoever that is shut up?"

The crowd turned to find a servant, laughing, as he fiddled with his trolley.

"I thought you were all just rich, not cartoonishly evil!"

He detonated the device. 

Powers' Games

It was rare for a mortal to enter the Powers realm, but this was the first time one arrived that wasn't trying to become one nor kill them. So the Powers were bemused enough to answer their questions.

The female human looked over at the three game players.

"So, aren't you all the same thing?"

Fate and Luck looked offended, Chance just laughed.

"I am what is supposed to happen," said Fate.

"I am how it intends to play out," added Luck.

"And I just like rolling dice and playing cards!" finished Chance, as they began a war down below. 

Library Issues

I started playing around with AI image generators, at first to make characters for my weekly tabletop RPG game. But once I got a grip on how to work it, I input to make a beautiful woman because, you know, why not?

It made one, and she was indeed beautiful. But then I refined it as I started specifying things. But every time it was the same woman, just altered slightly. I thought it was a limitation of the program, but I saw others make other women with it, so I switched accounts.

She came back immediately.

So I switched to another competing AI program, got to grips on it, which by this point didn't take long, then tried to make a beautiful woman.

Same damn image.

So I bought a cheap laptop, connected it to my neighbour's wifi, made a new account with a third image maker, and told it to make a beautiful woman with every attribute set to the opposite of the problem woman.

She turned up regardless.

At that point I just deleted all the apps and vowed never to use them again. If all they can do is make images of my ex, screw them.

Peacefulville

In a land of dragons, zombies, and a thousand other creatures that could kill an untrained fighter in seconds, it was the sole 'normal' village of seemingly innocent and non-violent citizens.

Naturally, this led to constant visits from two types of visitors. Mauraders looking for an easy target, and adventurers, (without quotation marks), who usually assumed there was something evil going on.

The two types tended to take care of each other before they got there, but those that made it found no evil nor easy targets.

Just an overwhelming desire to settle down that was 100% their own thoughts.