Bardic Tales

It took me a while to track down the legendary bard Pippen Poken, and even longer to convince him to give me training in how to bard.

We found a secluded place as he looked through his magic bag.

"The first secret to being a good bard is choosing an instrument you can afford to lose."

He handed me a hand-drum.

"You focus on percussion, and then you lose the instrument, you still have this."

He tapped a rhythm on his chest.

"Is that where the idea you went round banging everyone came from?"

"The second secret is these condoms."

Cold

I led the wizard to the beginning of the secret path through the mountains, as far as they knew, and there we met the frost troll I had told them about.

"My erstwhile guide says you won't let us pass unless I perform a task for you, apparently?"

"Yes. I am in love with a fire nymph, and I need a way to protect me from her flames when I'm near her.

I awaited the wizard to cast a spell.

"How did you fall in love if you couldn't be near her?"

"Uh... From afar?"

They cast a Firedeath spell.

Only Way Out

I knew a bullet was the only way out, and I knew I didn't have the guts to use it. I'd spun so many lies to enough powerful and/or dangerous people that the webs were getting entangled.

Didn't matter if it was one of them pulling on a loose thread or a couple grabbing a handful and tearing, the next change was going to lead to my end.

And then the door flew across the room.

"POLICE!"

OK, maybe ratting everyone out might-

The SWAT member that entered first immediately opened fire, a bullet going straight through my head.

Behind You

I finally managed to get the orc away from its axe, and after enough cuts brought it down, I stood over it, ready to plunge my sword down, when I heard a whistle, followed by the soft but unmistakable sound of a bowstring being pulled taut behind me.

"Just so you know, this is a magically enhanced blow, not that I need it, at this range."

Neither of us moved until I spoke.

"You sound like an elf. Why did you care about this orc?"

"Well that's a long-"

Finally my ally made their move and took the elf out.

Next Episode

From my point of view, it was a sudden flip, as she suddenly stood up and glared at me.

"Look, are we doing this or not?"

I tried to think, but couldn't think of anything before my mouth spoke.

"I mean, we're only two episodes in, and-"

"Fine, we're not going to, whatever."

She grabbed her coat and left. I was confused, but went back to watching the show.

I later heard through a mutual friend that she was expecting a romantic evening. My thinking that it was probably better she leave then rather than more disappointment later wasn't popular.

Chosen Ones

The prophecy was clear, that someone brought into this world of magic and chose from a world of rules and order would defeat the Dark Sorcerer Beroska.

So, the Semi-Wizard Jofti opened a portal, and a young person came through. He told them they were chosen one of the prophecy, they believed him, sent off to defeat the evil, and was quickly killed by a random goblin thief.

Unperturbed, Jofti tried again. And again.

He lost track around 200 or so, but one of them was bound to work, right?

Well, yes, but only when he summoned a competent general.

Lucky Coincidence

The distress beacon got picked up by the third shift crew, and they set in a course. By the time I woke up and was informed, we were already approaching the damaged vessel, and I had a tough decision to make.

My orders had been clear, we were supposed to arrive at Starbase Alpha78 within 3 days to deliver the secret cargo hiding in the storage bay. But standing orders were to assist damaged vessels.

So I looked at the distress beacon message, declared it a trap, destroyed the ship and left.

Later on, I found out I was right. 

New Year, Old Idea

She opened the door to my room and spoke with extra enthusiasm, even for her.

"Good morning! Ready for the new year!"

I grunted, which I hoped, in vain, would be enough of a response for her to leave.

"Come on! It's a new year, time to make new resolutions!"

I sighed and pulled my head out of my pillow.

"It's an arbitrary counting turnover point. There's nothing special about today as compared to yesterday. So what's the point?"

"Because any excuse to make a positive change is a good one!"

"Fine, I'll start, tomorrow... tomorrow.

Or tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow."