Happy New Year

Another year gone.

I know I tend to refer to this as an arbitrary point, which it is, don't at me, but given how 2021 went, it's no surprise that I'm glad to be done with it.

But of course, as the switch into 2021 proved, assuming that this year will be any different is at best childishly optimistic, as it was proven that even if things look like they're potentially getting better, they can always, ALWAYS, get worse.

And right now? Things are looking like they'll get much worse.

But hey, maybe it'll be the reverse?

Happy New Year...

Bill 685.736

The idea had been circulating around the civil service for a decade or so, never quite getting enough momentum to be properly suggested. It was, after all, a very esoteric suggestion to alter certain tax codes in order to streamline transfers between departments.

At most, it would reduce a few hours work each year in each of the thirty affected departments. Not exactly a huge saving, especially for such a complicated task as altering the tax code.

But eventually, it got put into a paper, and shown to a politician.

Who championed it as cutting a mountain of red tape...

Hand It To Him

The sun was setting over the Dusty Mountain Range, as the local corn farmer sat, looking back and forth between the cards in his hand and the stranger who'd came in on the last stagecoach.

The farmer was sure he had the best hand. He had four of a kind, sure it was a low set, but it was still four of a kind! He had him!

But that damn smile he had, it made him question it, until finally, he called.

The stranger only had three of a kind at the table.

He had a pair in his revolver.

Teksubort

Demons could be created a few different ways, breeding, construction, a God or Goddess willing it. But one way was by a wizard or wizardess to really mess up a spell. This often led to a demon being formed that had powers and desire to do whatever it was that the messed up spell called for.

Most of these were sexually violent in nature, but the most useful was Teksubort, who could be summoned to check spells and point out errors.

He was created by a spell designed to make popcorn pre-buttered, that one the only spell he couldn't fix.

Final Meeting

The few remaining Elders tried to calm the youngings, but they were mostly crying and screaming. This was not unexpected, given how the warriors and the leaders had all just been murdered before them, but the screams hardened the resolve of the invaders, who approached, and shouted in gibberish, gesturing with their magic deathsticks.

Eventually, one grabbed a symbol of Allelder, and the youngings calmed, understanding they were here to take them to see them.

----

'Day 46

An odd occurrence today, we tried to ask the local tribes to show us where the gold was, and they all committed suicide."

Twas The Season

So, originally, I was going to use today as a coda to the seasonal thing, and use the fact that we were past the season to review and make a decision about how it went.

But to be honest, I've spent most of the day either asleep or in a near comatose state that was barely any different from being asleep. This is because of everything that happened in the past couple of days.

Thus, I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to objectively make a judgement on reviewing the season.

Ask me again in 6 months.

During The Season

As you can see below (or on the page before this one, depending on how you're viewing this), I view this day more as an excuse to eat an awful lot of food and then  nap than anything spiritual or wholesome. And thus, you might not be surprised to discover that I've ended up eating an awful lot of food and then had a long nap.

But in my post gorging and napping daze, I feel I need to make one clarification to the previous words.

It's also a good excuse to get a bunch of cool stuff you wanted.

Tis The Season

I'm not going to give you a big song and dance in favor of the Holiday Season being a time for love, peace, and understanding.

I'm not going to try and sell you on any of the religious implications of the season, which would be useless, nor will I talk to you about the origins of the season in pagan association, which is slightly less useless but slightly more boring.

And I'm not going to use it as a metaphor for anything else.

All I'm going to say is that it's a great excuse to eat until you fall asleep.

Bottle Episode

I walked into the holding cell, and the person behind the energy field looked worried.

"Oh no, I saw the episode with you people in it, I'm dead!"

I sighed.

"Look, I get it, honestly, we get a fair few people who think they've been sucked into this world which is a TV show, they call it."

"And a few movies!"

"Right, right, well, just answer me these questions and I'll transfer you to a holoroom to live in.

Do you remember the plots of the episodes 'Secret Battles', 'Shattered Earth', 'Agent Driam', or the Cathal Wars comic arc?"

"There was a comic book of this thing?"

"Just answer the question. And you're being monitored by a Silendian, so don't lie."

"What's a Silendian?"

"You didn't see the cartoon series then?"

"There was a...

Never mind, no, I don't recall any of that, I've watched like three episodes, the one with the blue naked chick-"

"Everyone says that one."

"The one that was on when I got sucked into the TV, and some other one with Captain Gebs playing cards with-"

I flipped the switch, deleting them. I hate that my supervisor is so concerned about their success at cards.

Trackable A.I.

"The train is seven minutes away."

The artificial intelligence assistant wasn't able to speak with any emotion other than the cheery nature hard-wired in.

"The train is six minutes away."

Even in this situation, when it knew just as well as I what was about to happen.

"The train is four minutes away. Please remove us to a safe location."

If I didn't get my foot free, I would be done for, as would it.

"The train is two minutes away. Should I stop the train?"

"Wait, you can do that?"

"I can ask."

The train's A.I. was too slow.

Out Of Jacket

My heart wasn't in it, and she knew it.

After a long moment, she picked up her jacket and slipped it back on.

"So I take it this wasn't as good as you hoped?"

I shook my head.

"No, no, trust me, please, this isn't about you."

She narrowed her eyes.

"I didn't say it was about me, I said it was about the surprise you with just a jacket thing. So why did you immediately go to defending me?"

I sighed, and pulled the letter out of my jacket, showing her the rejection I'd just gotten.

She understood, sorta.

The Incident

There were two of them, one presenting as male, one as female. They both wore black suits, dark sunglasses, and the serious expressions of someone trying to look serious.

"John Walsh?"

I sighed.

"So which three letter acronym government group are you from?"

"We're not from a three letter government organisation."

"Then I don't wish to speak to you."

"We need you to tell us about-"

"The incident in my car, I know. Look, you want information about it, read the reports."

"We just need information on the craft's tail symbol."

"Wait, how-"

They were presenting as human, it seemed.

My Favorite Tenant

I would visit each store in the keep in turn, each day, to pick up the rent. Each day, I would get the same from the human, the elf, the goblin. The human baker would complain that business was bad, the elf tailor would produce some moral argument, the goblin cook would just insult me for a half hour. But eventually they would pay up.

But the dwarf bartender would just pay up, no argument, no complaints. He was my favorite.

Until I passed the bar at night, and saw how much he was making. Then he was my least.

A Night Out

Maybe I'd have met the girl of dreams in the next bar over. Or maybe I'd have met a drunk guy with a knife.

Maybe I'd have won the club over with a stunning performance of a karaoke staple. Or maybe I'd have dodged fourteen of the fifteen bottles thrown at my head.

Maybe I'd have had a really awesome time,  a night to remember for all my days. Or maybe I'd have had a night I'd have to spend a lifetime to forget.

In any case, I'm now warm in my bed, so frankly I don't care either way.

Conadile

As far as laws went, it was remarkably simple and concise.

"No-one in the land may Conadile, per order of the Crown."

In the centuries since, while the society had slowly but completely moved away from the monarchy, the law stayed put, and had a surprisingly consistent use.

Because of it, at various points, it was used to outlaw the use of a specific drug, a type of music, a sexual practice, and, currently, most forms of online business the government didn't like.

It's amazing what one can achieve when one controls the only official dictionary manufacturer in the land.

Forced March

The wedding had been delayed a couple hours, and by now everyone had noticed. At first, I was content to just sit back and let it all fall down around them, but after I got a few nasty looks from the more judgemental aunts, I got up and headed to the back of the church.

I found the father of the bride and the groom in deep discussion.

"Can I help?"

They turned and stared at me.

"Do you know where she is?"

"No."

"Then how could you possibly help?"

"Because I fit into my twin sister's wedding gown perfectly."

Bloody Beast

The howl rumbled across the mountain range, causing everyone to freeze, if only for a moment.

"Ok, we gotta speed up here."

There was a small amount of muttering along the line of "Well, duh", but everyone sped up.

Then there was another howl, closer.

Everyone decided to abandon what was left, and headed for the vehicle.

As we piled in, I had a thought, and tried to work out how to articulate my thinking.

"Are we sure that there's only one of these bloody things?"

Just as I said this, we heard another howl, coming from inside the vehicle.

Functional Immortality

Reversion technology changed everything, for better and worse. Sure, the positives were obviously, as long as your backup file wasn't glitched and you were close enough to a station, people were functionally immortal, and interstellar space travel became viable.

Which is good, given that the population exploded thanks to permanent death now being a rare occurrence.

As thousands of ships began to leave the system, with databases of backups for everyone on board, I had to check.

Finding out the databases were hackable and the backups editable, I had to do it.

Those versions of me will thank me later. 

Indescribable

I never quite knew how to describe him and his life.

Seemingly every week, there was a new crisis, a new problem. A broken leg one week, a totalled car the next, a lost job the week after.

So he was unlucky, or possibly careless, you'd assume.

But the break would be clean and heal quickly, his insurance payout was immense, he got a better job a day later.

So he was lucky, or possibly very driven or just plain rich, maybe.

In the end, I just thought of him as being very interesting.

And also self-obsessed, for good reasons.

Meaning In Art

The statue was installed in the week I was away, which they swore was coincidental. It was a monstrous looking mess of brass and steel, supposedly representing man's inhumanity towards his fellow man, or something. All I knew was that it was ugly, large, and put right outside my office window. So I was forced to look at it all the time, or at least when the sun wasn't blinding me from the reflection off its 'head'.

I went through every legal challenge against it, until finally I took to it with a sledgehammer.

After that, it started winning awards.

It Means Earth

I strode into the most secure base on Earth's most secure room, a man with a distinctive scar looking up from the computer he was working, deliberately pressing a key as I walked in.

"You may have won today, but there are far more powerful beings in the universe, and they'll be here soon enough to take back-"

He trailed off as there was a little jingle from my pocket. I pulled out the Callstone, and looked at it.

"Huh. We have a translation issue here. This is Cosmos?

Well, embarrassing, but easily fixed."

I destroyed him and the Callstone.

Undercover Bossy

There was a rumor that the boss was secretly out on the floor, judging everyone. So, naturally, everyone was walking on eggshells, treating everyone who matched two out of three categories for the boss like a king, and therefore ignoring everyone  who was obviously not the boss as much as possible. So I focused on picking up the slack on those guests.

Now, I'd like to say that the boss had sent a spy who I dealt with and thus I got rewarded, and that's half right.

There was a spy out there, but they just said to fire everyone.

Party For One

She had the teeth of an orc, the eyes of a dwarf, and skin that was notable only because it ruled out having dragon in her family tree.

She walked into my office, with a standard sob story, an adventuring party attacked her village, killing everyone and stealing their treasure. I explained that this sort of thing was outside my character class, but she was insistent, and I set off to track them.

I finally found them at the bottom of a dungeon. Or at least, what was left of them.

I took their hands for proof and reported success.

Rose

It's not that I missed her, let's make that clear.

I don't much care if she's gone, or she's here.

But the flowers were dying, wilting most foul,

And with my own efforts, I'd thrown in the towel.

So I found her number, despite her objections,

And I explained the flowers, and their gloomy projections.

She agreed to come back, for some brief care,

On the proviso that I wasn't there.

So later that week, she came to my place,

And the first thing she saw was my face.

And the garden, full of beautiful, healthy flowers, spelling her name...

False Flag

Like a lot of brutal regimes, there was a turning point early on where they gained support from the populace, to become more brutal and crack down on some scapegoated rebels, which of course led to misery for most everyone. This one was the bombing of a government building that only took out the child care facilities.

Many years later, historians would come around on the idea that the rebels were unfairly blamed, and that is was a false-flag operation.

Because the truth, that the rebels were so inept and stupid that they killed a bunch of kids, was unpalatable.

The Source Of Pain

As we approached the doors, he started walking slower.

"What's wrong?"

He sighed.

"Through those doors, I finally get the answer. All the loss and chaos in my life, has been caused by this conspiracy. And I'm finally about to find out why.

And it scares me. What if it's not some ancient society fulfilling a prophecy, but just a couple rich assholes getting kicks from ruining my life? I'm just worried my life was ruined pointlessly."

I gently patted his shoulder.

"Trust me, you need this."

He nodded, then opened the doors to reveal no-one, as I shot him.

Hick And Slicker

The two of them were born at roughly the same time, one in the biggest hospital in the fifth biggest city, the other in a bathtub in the next farm over.

They both grew up in the same area they were born in, and they both longed for the other one's life. The city slicker longed for the simple life, while the country hick longed for the big smoke.

When they got to their twenties, they both moved.

Within a few months, one had gone back home.

But only because they couldn't get a job due to the outsider hatred.

Semi-Great Minds

He was in the same guild as me in this MMO I played, and he asked for my help with a second date idea for this girl he'd met. I suggested my usual option, a bushwalk with a game of 'Forest Management' on top of a mountain.

Then one of my workmates asked me about the game after she'd played it in a bushwalk with a guy she was seeing.

I advised both her and him, hearing my ideas repeated back to me back and forth.

Eventually I met her date, who swore he didn't play an MMO.

Very confusing.

Don't Knock It

On this date, I dreaded hearing a knock on the door.

It started as a child, when the cop was there, and in what would today be considered an inappropriate approach, told me that my Father had died.

Then, a decade later, another cop was there, and she was kinder, but she still had to tell me my Mother had died.

My boss firing me, the car crashing into my fence, the lawsuit, bad things had a tendency to happen on this day.

And today, you knock on my door and declare your love for me?

Well, it's a start.

Stake Out

One of them was near retirement, the other was two weeks into their career.

They were in the car, watching the hideout.

"I still think we should go in there now."

The veteran shook his head.

"That ain't a good idea kid. We go in there and he ain't there, we're fucked. We gotta make sure that he's there, so we gotta watch until we see him."

"I don't understand how you can be so chill, what with that asshole who killed your partner in there!"

The door opened, and the cop walked out, the two criminals opening fire quickly.

Perspective

The Elves were the longest living creatures in the world, and among them, Sotrax was the oldest living one, at least that was known about.

He lived in the citystate of Terasded, in the Scholar's Quarter. He officially worked as a translator, but most of his time these days was spent answering questions about the past thousand years.

I asked him, after another series of questions about the Awons War, if he was getting tired of it.

"Oh, well, so many people lost, passed away, way I see it, these people will be joining them soon enough, same as everyone."

My Peak

It's an unusual feeling, knowing that you've peaked as an artist but still creating art. The knowledge that you will never match that one perfect piece, and yet the drive to continue anyway.

Not out of hope you'll somehow match it, or even more preposterously beat it, but out of the knowledge that you can't account for taste, and that maybe a lesser work can still have an impact on someone when they need it.

Thus, you keep creating, no matter what.

(That said, if you don't think 'Williams Versus Williams, 2013' is my best drabble, you're just plain wrong.)

The Blue Button

The blue button must not be pressed by anyone at any time.

It was a rule passed down through a hundred generations on the spaceship, as it made the trip between the galaxies. Of all the buttons on the main console bank, it was the only one that was blue, without a label.

Every bridge crewmember had a theory, most of them saying it would blow up the ship, with a return to the destroyed Earth the second most popular theory.

Of course, the fact that the word blue had changed meanings half a dozen times didn't help matters any.

Inability To See

 I could have been a winner, if only...

There's been plenty of people who started sentences like that, and I always knew that whatever came after it would be an excuse. They'd blame equipment, or some opposition, or they'd swear that they just didn't have the right opportunity.

Always an excuse, never owning up to the fact that they just weren't good enough. Sad, in a way.

But trust me, I know all about winning and losing, since I should have been champion of the world, if it wasn't for the conspiracy against me, and the lack of fair breaks...

Donner Point Observatory

The power went out three weeks ago. The supplies ran out a week ago. And still the snow falls, every day another foot against the door.

One of the technical staff made jokes about cannibalism at the start. They aren't making those jokes anymore. They just sit in the corner, a blanket wrapped around them, staring at the cleaner with... Well, with naked hunger in their eyes.

But what am I supposed to do? Order them not to eat each other? It'll just lead to chaos and infighting. Better i just leave them all stewing in their own thoughts.

Marinating...

Lures

I stopped by his stump, after he mentioned  he had a new idea about how to lure humans further into the woods.

When I got there, he seemed extremely pleased with himself.

"I've got it! This will improve our ability to lure humans!"

I sighed.

"Look, every time you've tried to improve beyond food and water, it's gone badly!"

"Hey, now, I maintain that the caches of those magazines with naked human women were good for luring young human males!"

"So what is it now?"

"This is mobile phone service that isn't enough to use but enough to tease usage."

Backwards Becky

She told me once, during a rare period of seriousness, that she enjoyed seeing the gears in people's minds grind, that she hoped that she might make them question things they took for granted.

A noble sentiment, sure, but she did it by childish stunts like doing the bunny ears with her fingers to the person taking the photo, or by telling people she had a great knock knock joke, but they start it. Their reaction to 'Who's there?' always made her smile.

I should have walked away long ago, but I'm worried she'll think that I'm proposing to her.

Universal Change

I thought I was travelling through parallel universes. I mean, put yourself in my shoes, every few moments, the device would power up, surround me with an energy field, the world around me would shimmer, and then I'd be in the same place, but in a totally new world.

Of course I assumed it was a transport machine, and of course the moment I found a universe of bliss and joy, I put the machine down and decided to stay.

Only for it to kick off and I discovered it was actually just rebooting the one universe, over and over...

Imperfect Match

I tried to explain that I didn't need his help 'finding a girl', but he insisted on 'helping' me.

"So, first step, download an app called-"

I silently showed him my phone screen, displaying the app.

"Oh, great, right, so you set up a profile?"

"Yes."

"Let me see, clearly you need help on that front."

I opened up the app and showed him. He looked confused.

"That seems good, actually. Your settings must be off."

He clicked through a bit.

"Wait, you have 173 matches waiting! Why haven't you opened any?"

"I'm waiting."

"For what?"

"To see who's committed." 

The Fight

The fight was over in a minute fifty, although it had been building for months. Years, if you want to include the long term issues with the two mining corporations that had worked together to build the space station.

The two mining gangs had been getting in each other's faces for weeks, and this was the day that fists began to fly, sharp tools were drawn, as the fight became deadly.

I had two strokes of luck. One, I happened to be looking at the right camera feed.

And two, they were fighting near an airlock I could remotely open.

Ransom

I opened the letter, and pulled out the photos.

I flipped through the images, seeing my wife, gagged and tied up in a chair, yesterday's newspaper held up beside her, then a picture of her with a black eye, and then... Screaming while tied up in a chair, having got the photos mixed up slightly.

The note said 'One week, $1,000,000'.

I, obviously, was very distraught, but I couldn't gather the money in time, I had a cash flow problem.

At least, that's what I told her when they released her. She didn't need to know the truth about things.

Full Of It

The ship's hull was old and rusted, and broke apart as we crossed the international date line.

Stu and I were the only two who got out in time, and we were stuck holding onto benches.

As we were stuck there, dolphins came swimming up. Stu was so happy, although I tried to warn him that dolphins were the fratboys of the sea, getting high on pufferfish and the like, but he swore that they were there to help.

And that was the last time I saw him, your honor.

Oh, a rack of beef floated by, I ate that.

The Four Gods

Since humanity began, the Four Gods have been guiding them.

Well, technically since before humanity, given it was one of them that encouraged a primate to pick up a stick and hit another primate with it.

They have had many names, many faces, sometimes male, sometimes female, sometimes animal, sometimes multiple gods in the same pantheon.

But throughout time, the four of them have all worked together to guide humanity. All that is good, bad, in humanity's history, is because of them.

But none of them is taking responsibility for capitalism, they've been trying to stop that from the start.

Blown Line

I walked into the line reading to see the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, ready to read against me.

I glanced at the lines and then began to read with her.

"So you're the next contender?"

"What, you got a problem with a woman fighting?"

"When she's as beautiful as you, yes, yes I do."

"I, what? You... You think I'm beautiful?"

"Yes, I do."

Beat, beat, beat... I guess it was over.

"You want to get a coffee?"

"Ew, no!"

"Oh, ok, fine."

She looked confused, as i realised that was her line.

I'd still blown it though.

Predictions

The youngest witch was helping the eldest prepare ingredients.

"Um, Ma'am?"

"Yes my child?"

"Yesterday, you told the Queen that she wouldn't be removed from power by any man."

"That's what the entrails said."

"But then, as she pointed out, that leaves all the women."

"Indeed it does."

"Why do predictions always do that? They always sound impressive, but then have an obvious loophole. Why not just say a woman will end her reign?"

"Because it might be an animal, or a natural phenomenon.

The spirits do not give direct answers because life lives in such loopholes.

Plus it's funnier."

Shortly

Was there ever going to be a happy ending for me? I never thought there would be, I always assumed my life would be short, miserable, and pointless.

And before you get on that positivity bullshit, this isn't depression or an emotional imbalance, it's a just a simple logical conclusion, based on the fact that the world sucks, I didn't have the good fortune to have rich parents, therefore my life would suck.

Of course, according to storytelling convention, this is when a woman enters my life, or I learn the value of teamwork or something.

Still waiting on that.

What's Needed

She was young and had that bright smile only those looking to convert you wore.

"Hello sir! Do you need anything?"

Before I could say anything she sat down next to the bed.

"In that case, can I talk to you about what comes next, after you pass?"

There was a lot I wanted to say to her, most of it obscene in general and what she would consider blasphemous, or heretical, maybe both. But given the tube in my throat, all I could do was keep pressing the button in my hand until I got another dose and slept.

Minotaur Flats

The call went out, demanding a hero to be chosen, to be sent to the Minotaur Flats, and to crush the Minotaur leader in single combat, and hold back the threat of them rising up.

There was a lot of fights that broke out, as people fought over the right. But then a young woman was the first one to step onto the Flats.

In a epic poem, she'd have destroyed the Minotaur in combat.

In a baudy inn song, she'd win in another way.

In this, real life, she just negotiated a peace, and thus was, naturally, widely hated.

Headache

The headache started a few hours after the party ended.

I chalked it up to just a hangover, so I took some aspirin, sculled some water, and headed to bed.

But then in the morning, I woke up to it having gotten worse. I tried more water and pills, but it didn't help, things kept getting worse.

I didn't want to spend the money for a doctor's visit, but I had no choice, and I headed into the clinic.

There, they reached into my hair and removed the corkscrew from my scalp.

Thankfully, that wasn't the cause of the pain.

You Probably Know Who

I was onto my third page of human skin, and he was still going.

"-and I want to be able to have any woman fall in love with me on command, and I want to be immortal, and-"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Ignoring just how big this bill is already, you want immortality? You do realise that you have to die so I get your soul, that's the entire point of this transaction. Yours, and a billion others at this point."

"I live forever, I desecrate the planet once everyone else dies, you get everyone."

"Sorry, that role is taken already."

Boss Killer

I heard the clapping and cheering, and stuck my head over my cubical wall. I saw the crowding around Sally's cubical, and called out to Veer, who was nearest to me.

"Hey man, what's going on?"

He turned around.

"Sally finally did it!"

"Good for her.

What is it?"

Veer shook his head.

"What do you think? She finally dealt with the boss!"

"Oh. Ok.

Wait, what?"

I came out and forced my way through the throng, only to see the video game on her computer screen.

I sighed, then noticed the blood and such all over her broken keyboard.

Warning

By the time you read this, it will be too late for me. I'll be gone. But you might have a chance.

I don't care what you thought you were going to get, what brought you here. No matter what you were promised or threatened with, it's not worth it.

I know you have no reason to trust me, but please, at least let this be a fan to the fire of doubt that I pray is inside you now.

Turn around, and head back. There is nothing but death here.

Certainly no mountain of gold and jewels, believe me.

Sword And Shield

The envoys offered up the sword and the shield, while standing several feet apart.

"The Guilds offer you these, your majesty, a sword that can cut anything, and a shield that can withstand any blow."

I sighed and gestured to my guards.

"You think I'm a fool? Both can't be true, so you're trying to fool me."

They quickly explained that the two were magically enhanced so that they could never touch, since that would end the universe. To prove it, they tried to bring them together, but failed.

When I mentioned magnetism, that's when they tried to run away.

Gouda Riddance

Here in my private pocket dimension outside the multiverses, I record the deaths that matter. For the most part, these aren't people, but universes themselves.

When one dies, I wrote down the cause of death as it floats before me.

'Lust For Power' is the most common, followed by 'To Stop Evil', which always seems a fruitless goal.

But the most interesting ones are...

Wait, excuse me a moment, I thought that said 'A Piece Of Cheese'. That can't be right, let me just remind and look.

Huh, that does look like a nice piece. Let me grab it and--------------------------------

No Slouch

It was a story my grandfather told me, several times, before he died. He told me to never slouch forward in a chair. Because back during the war, while on leave, he was at the theatre with some other soliders. He was sitting back, upright, the other guy leaning forward, slouching.

Then a bomb was dropped from a plane, coming through the roof, landing near them, killing the guy beside him but just grazing him because he was upright.

Even as a kid, I assumed it was a tale to stop me slouching.

Imagine my surprise, that it was true.

Overthinker

It was my fiftieth birthday, and I was looking over the city's lights with my best friend, a couple of inoffensive white wines in our hands.

"So do you remember what you told me about Mary? When she was going to move to the other side of the planet?"

He laughed.

"Of course I do! Mr Wait and See, Mr Cautious, about to lose the love of his life, I gave you a much needed kick in the ass. You're welcome!"

I sighed.

"Or should I be apologising for your marriage?"

"We could have made long distance work, is all."

Making A Killing

I spent years looking for a fool proof product to sell, something I could really make bank on.

At first I focused on essentials, food, shelter, but there were too many competitors and variety.

So then I started to explore emotional purchases. And while love, joy, envy  all had their positives, none of them were great.

Especially compared to fear.

And there I found my goldmine, selling distress beacon sets to people to be buried with, in case they weren't actually dead.

Of course, I didn't bother making them work. They'd either not need it or be unable to complain...

Changed Calendar

I made my way under London Bridge to his secret sanctum, the scroll he'd written for me in my hand.

"If you don't want to teach me magic, you could have just said so!"

He looked up from his crystal ball.

"Is there a problem with the task I set you?"

"You told me to 'study the events of the 5th of September, 1752'. There was no 5th of September, 1752, that was when the English calendar changed!"

He sighed.

"You wish to study magic, but you find it confusing that time has been blocked from memory?"

"Oh. Good point."

The Universal Beat

Every living creature in the universe shares the beat of the universe in their hearts. And minds, and lungs, every part.

Because on a subatomic level, every atom, while seemingly random in its movements, has a beat, the same as every single other atom in the universe.

Was it deliberately designed, or just a side effect of the creation of a universe? It's not for me to say, that knowledge is beyond me.

What isn't beyond me is knowing that this beat, this link that all things share, is what links us all together, cosmically.

And it's about to skip.

Brandy Poison

He watched her hands carefully as she opened the bottle of brandy.

He knew that his life was in danger.

He watched carefully as she picked two glasses.

He knew that a poisoner was after him.

He watched carefully as she poured two fingers into both glasses.

And he knew that this woman was coming onto him.

He watched her hold one out to him.

Women coming onto him was rare.

He took the glass, then 'accidentally' dropped it, as he watched her carefully.

She laughed it off, and moved in for a kiss.

He should have watched her lipstick.

No Tomorrow

There's a trite mental exercise that some people focus far too much on. You consider what you would do if there was no tomorrow.

It's usually trotted out to encourage people indulging in simple pleasures and to not take things for granted. And it always ignores the questions of forward planning and consequences for living solely in the moment.

Because trust me, there will be a tomorrow, and a tomorrow after that, and so on, for a thousand more days from today.

At that point, it stops becoming a thought experiment and becomes far more a practical experiment, of course.

Border Dispute

It was one of those irregularities that crops up when the human need for straight lines on maps comes into conflict with actual physical reality, with an added dash of lawyers getting involved.

The lake was part of the Kingdom, but the island inside the lake was part of the Empire next to it.

This became a humorous little titbit of information, a bit of trivia to be shared over mead and cheese.

And then they discovered The Stones on the island. And suddenly it became the most important dispute in history.

Until the Commonwealth ran over both of them.

Coded In Latin

He had spent the last twenty minutes explaining why it was absolute certainty that we were in fact living in a gigantic computing simulation. Finally, I snapped.

"Ok, and?"

"And, I was saying, the Hooked Fish Hypothesis says-"

"No, no, I mean if you're right, and this is all a computer simulation, so what? What does it matter?"

"It matters because if this is a simulation, then it has code, and if it has code, we can learn how to hack it, and change reality!"

"You mean like a magic spell?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm talking about real things here."

Xabo, Zoda

I cast my usual summoning spell, and the demon appeared inside the circle.

"Hey Xabo, I got another few-"

"I ain't Xabo, Human, I'm Zoda."

I stared at the demon for a long moment.

"I don't understand."

The demon snorted.

"There's more than one demon in the Higher Plains, Human."

"Well yes, fine, obviously, but I was quite specfic with the spell, so... Is Xabo dead?"

The demon scratched its head, flakes of skin falling from it.

"Well in a way. But in a more accurate way, Xabo got a promotion, which included more power."

Xabo appeared, outside the circle.

At My Children's Friend's House

I want you to understand that I'm not upset with them.

I know they must think I am, I'm sure that they told you I must be so angry at them and that's why you're protecting them.

But I'm not, truly. I just want them to be safe, I need to know that they're ok.

And I'm in no way impugning your honesty or anything, but I need to see them to confirm that they're ok, for my piece of mind.

Please, can I see them?

Oh, thank you, yes of course I'll wait here.

YOU FUCKING KIDS ARE DEAD!

The Anti-Matter Girl

Her very existence risked destroying the universe, every breath she took risked enough atoms of anti-matter being released to start a chain reaction and destroy everything.

Your natural instinct here is to assume I loved her, and was willing to risk everything for her.

I'm not that stupid.

You might then think I would create a portal or pocket dimension to hold her.

I'm not that smart.

So you're left with the obvious, that she had to die, and that I'd kill her.

I'm not that brave.

I explained it to her, and offered a weapon.

She was that brave.

The Ultimate Swordsman

He was the greatest swordsman I ever saw. He could swing the blade like no-one else, making it dance at the end of his arm like it was alive.

(It wasn't, I checked.

Multiple times.)

But despite this, he never quested, never searched or fought for treasure, he seemed content to teach guardsmen the same four basic moves.

I asked him why, again and again, and he finally told me.

"I know I'm the best. But no matter how good I am, there's always a chance I'll miss something, and end up dead.

The best ain't enough against random chance."

My Cultural Food

I've come to dread the postal deliveries.

Not for the mail capsules, those are useful and often have stuff I've ordered. But the pilot found out a while ago that I was from Earth, an actual grounder, and so he's now thinking I'm his best friend, and every cycle when he turns up, he has another snap-frozen 'Earth Meal'.

But he hasn't quite grasped that Earth has multiple societies and cultures.

Ramen noodle soups and Kangaroo steaks, stuff I've never had, I have to pretend I know if they're good or not.

I just want a good New York pizza...

Saddle Sores

That damn book I read as a child was to blame.

It was some cheap kids book from England written when women were classed as furniture, and in it, the main character had a horse that died at some point, and then he ate part of the horse, to say goodbye.

And ever since, I've wanted to try it.

But it's not something you can pop down to the shops for. I spent years tracking down a legal source for it.

But I got it, cooked it, and the worst thing happened.

It was the best thing I'd ever had.

Part Of The Job

You often hear that paramedics have the worst job, given they're constantly seeing pain and death. And while I don't want to make it seem like I'm downplaying that, repossession beats you down emotionally like no other job.

After all, in my line of work, you see two types of people. You see the desperate and needy, often at their wit's end, and you're making things worse. So you feel like crap.

Or you're dealing with the rich who treat you like crap because you're the first one to impede them in their life.

Crap both ways.

And the blood!

Weaponry

Sometimes, when enough different groups of people with guns hate you, your only option is to lure them all out to one place and hope they end up shooting each other first.

I had the street thugs who I stole the drugs from, with their sub-machine guns. The dirty cops who I refused to hand the drugs to, with their revolvers. The mafia (who I was unsure how they'd gotten involved), with their combat shotguns.

And my plan pretty much worked, they all came for the drugs, and shot each other.

Then the bounty hunter with a sniper rifle fired.

Split, Second

To escape, the only option I had was to go through the air purification system and hope to steal a spacecraft outside the base. The weeks I spent cleaning in the monitoring room allowed me to study the system, and I worked out the pattern.

It would take split second timing, but I was sure I could do it.

I counted the noises, and on the third clank, I started crawling.

I got halfway and was stunned to find a skeleton in the enclave I was supposed to count to five in.

It distracted me for a second too long.

Sticking To It

I finally reared back and punched my father in the face. And he went down really badly, overall.

I'd spent years watching him abuse my mother, and my older sister, belittling them, not letting them have any freedom. I didn't understand what he was doing for a long time, but once I did, I couldn't stand by any longer. So I punched him.

He hit his head on the table on his way down, and that killed him. I didn't intend to, but that's what happened, as my mother will attest, she was there, with her old bloody meat tenderiser.

Miracle Road

At the end of the darkened road, a pair of headlights turned on, and an engine revved.

I could sense i was in danger.

As the car suddenly jerked forward and began to pick up speed, I had maybe five seconds to make my choice.

One side of the road was a sheer cliff face, unscalable. The other side was a sheer cliff face, unclimbable. Although I could leap to my death.

So instead, I just jumped up, hoping to leap the car.

And I did! It was amazing!

But then the car just went into reverse, got me then.

Haunting You

The mystic swirled the smoking incense around the room, chanting softly, then focused on me.

"What is it that you seek from the Great Ausont, child?"

"Five years ago, a co-worker died, and they said they'd haunt me with their dying breath. Since then, I've had weird things happen to me. I want answers."

The mystic nodded, and began a spell.

A short while later, she looked at me, confused.

"The spirit here is pleased you've finally noticed them, but says they've been with you for a long time, they've killed to try and get your attention."

"That... explains things."

I See

The 'map', such as it was, was a large piece of paper, covered in riddles, written at odd angles.

One riddle was about cresting waves when the sun rose, indicating how to find the start.

Another riddle was about how to sight stones when eyes are closed, indicating the direction to go.

More about taking glass from stone, about birds on wires, crosses in streams, and nights spent at sea.

Each one more obtuse and confusing than the last, each one less relevant to anything, but each containing an 'i' and thus a dot to use as a layline indicator.

Damaged

They said a hailstorm was coming, so I headed out to my car, throwing a heavy blanket over it.

"What, it's getting cold?"

I looked over at the neighbour, who had a smile on his face that indicated he thought of himself as the wittiest wordsmith since Oscar Wilde.

"No, there's hail coming, I want to protect it."

"Oh, scared of some cold water? Sure think, Wicked Witch of the West!"

I shook my head and headed inside. I was kinda pleased at the damage his car took in the storm.

I helped it along a bit, to be fair.

Watered Down

The Pond Of Life was nestled at the base of the mountain, hidden in a valley, behind deadly plants and dangerous quicksand.

Once we found it, I counted to five in my head.

On four, my partner pulled his weapon. I had already stepped away from him so I had time to speak.

"Ok, let me guess, only you can have ghis, right? Tell you what, release me, and I'll never tell anyone of this pond. You know, unlike you, I'm trustworthy."

He stared, then let me go.

I quickly climbed the mountain, found the water source, and dammed it.

Misnamed

"Symon Smyth, Ys instead of Is."

I'm sure that of you counted every sentence I ever said, that would be the one I said the most across my life.

"Yes, that's me, but it's misspelled here, twice."

99 times out of 100, it would be wrongly spelt, forms, cards, everything.

"My name is wrong here, I... Yes I'll hold."

I'll admit that I always feared I'd end up buried under a tombstone that had my name wrong. I made sure to triple check it. And the tombstone I was buried under was spelt perfectly.

Just a shame it wasn't mine.

Last Hold

That night, I held her for the last time.

I couldn't let her know, so I wasn't able to make it extra special, beyond the fact it would be the last time she was in my arms.

If anything, she was in a mood, bad day at work apparently, so she didn't particularly want to be held, but she tolerated it for half an hour while we watched a sitcom episode we'd seen a half dozen times already.

Then she went to bed, and I stayed up to clean up.

Which involved starting a fire and leaving for my alibi. 

Choosing Moments

You don't get to pick the most important moments of your life.

You might think the romantic marriage proposal was one, but that was just the outcome of the moment you made her laugh so hard she coughed up her drink in that dirty roadside diner.

Your acceptance speech, your wife by your side, in the hotel ballroom you picked personally? That was just the outcome of the moment your mother broke your heart.

The moments you choose are the outcomes of those you don't.

Unless you choose to break cause and effect.

The moment you do, that's truly important.

Rulers Of High School

The cliche is that the rulers of high school are the quarterback and the head cheerleader, who are inevitably dating.

Our head cheerleader didn't date anyone, which was explained when I met her wife at the ten year reunion. And the quarterback hovered between a few girls, none of whom were able to gain social traction.

So the closest we had to rulers were the running back and the head of the debating team, who were the social rulers, without question.

Although, given they were twin brother and sister, they weren't in the traditional relationship kings and queens usually had.

Destroyed Beauty

Where the two buildings met, there was a tiny yellow flower, growing out from the inch or so gap between the concrete walls.

It was just a little dandelion, nothing too exotic, but the fact it was growing up out of near pitch darkness and into the light was a near miracle in of itself.

But eventually, it was destroyed, as all beautiful and fragile things, by an uncaring world.

If it was by destroying one of the buildings or something, I could understand it.

But no, it was destroyed by a guy standing on it, hiding a smoke break.

Code Injection

It was supposed to be the perfect system. Rather than spend ages working on every minute detail of a new uploaded soul's appearance when we added them to the network, we just tapped into their subconscious and used how they saw themselves as the base of their new appearance.

Sure, we had to adjust those with low self-esteem slightly at times, and there were issues with furries, but it was all working just fine.

Until we got to the guy who, through a tightly monitored drug regime and intense therapy saw himself as a long line of malicious self-replicating code.

Sane By What Standard

I had reached my third month in the bowels of the legendary Lost Dungeon of Bucease, where I'd set up a little shop, a shoppette. 

And I'd seen plenty of adventurers, most of them willing to trade. But then a Knight emerged down the stairs in full plate armor, glinting in the pale light of the dungeon.

"Are you sane, Knave?"l

"Depends."

He swung his sword to point it at my throat.

"I have no times for games!"

I sighed.

"Ah, so you're from Kingdom of Ceneer. Then no, I'm not sane by your standards."

He thrust, I died laughing.

First Meetings

When I got a couple for therapy, after the initial greetings and paperwork questions, assuming the reason for their visit wasn't urgent, I always asked how they met.

Beyond being fairly safe territory for an ice breaker, it's good to get a bead on the dynamics of the relationship. Does one expect the other to remember all the details? Does one not care about it? This sort of thing is usually a good basis to start from.

But of course, the main reason I do it is to try and find something I can use to try and find someone.

Sand In The Hourglass

Death claimed that there was a minor irregularity with my soul, and told me to wait in its office.

Sorry, in the 'metaphorical representation of its office that my soul would construct to try and comprehend what was going on'.

And certainly, trying to focus on any detail made my everything hurt, so I stopped trying.

Especially when I saw my hourglass on its desk, the sand all at the bottom.

So I flipped it over.

And nothing happened.

"Metaphorical representations of incomprehensible items do not work so simply" it told me, before it realised the hourglass and restarted it.

A Friendly Face

The sun had gone down hours ago, but we were still riding along the trail, my companion insisted.

But eventually we came by a small cabin, with a man washing a dog out front.

"Well howdy strangers! It's a bit late to be on the trail! Why not rest a while, my wife-"

My companion pulled his gun and fired, killing the man. Three others charged out of the cabin, one at a time, and he shot them in turn.

"What on earth?"

"Most times, that friendly a family, this far out, they're cannibals."

"Most times?"

"More than half, certainly."

Tenth Street

Due to an election promise running into a funding shortage, there were one hundred streetlights along the road, which covered maybe a tenth of its length.

Due to a need for an afternoon nap running into a hard deadline the following morning, the SUV was travelling at 110 miles per hour, which was a tenth over the limit.

Due to a tire running into an upturned nail, there was a small sedan mostly off the road, maybe a tenth over the line.

Due to the SUV running into the driver of the sedan, they lost a tenth of their body.

Double Jump

"Dude, imagine if we could double jump in real life!"

"How?"

"Like they do in platformers, you know, jump and then jump again?"

"I understand the concept, I'm just trying to work out how you're imagining this is occurring."

"Why does it matter?"

"Look, if air has weight and stiffness like that, we can't breathe it. If humans have fans or something in their bodies, we're radically altered. If it's magic, then we have fucking magic. None of them are positives."

"What's wrong with Magic?"

"Every negative aspect, plus reality being broken, that's a terrible outcome."

"Stop jumping to conclusions."

Biscuit

She would grit her teeth and get through work, she'd tolerate people when she ran errands, she seemed to not mind me, but she doted and absolutely dote on her cat, Biscuit.

Biscuit was a blue patched tabby with bracelets and butterfly markings.

I remember that by heart given how often she said it.

I never tried to make her choose between me and Biscuit, since I knew I'd lose the fight. So I tolerated the cat, until she found out she was allergic to cat hair.

Getting dumped so she could afford the air filters to keep Biscuit hurt.

Spirit Level

The exorcist, sorry, 'spiritual medium and passage champion', had agreed to meet me at the graveyard on the night of October first.

When she arrived, I warned her that this would be a scary experience, which she scoffed at.

But when the spirits rose up, even she seemed spooked, nothing but stammering gibberish falling from her lips.

Once they quietened down, she turned to me.

"Right, so a big spirit removal will be hard but-"

"No no, I don't want them gone."

"You don't?"

"No, I just want it moved to the end of the month when it's actually appropriate."

Cooked

My wife is the head chef of the Washington D.C. Lindel Hotel restaurant..

I take it from your lack of reaction that you're not up to date on your world class dining options. Believe me, her having that role is a huge deal. It's one of the highest profile chef jobs in the world.

And thus, my diet sucks, I eat mostly grilled cheeses and semi-random slow cooker stews. She doesn't have energy to cook here.

And before you say anything, she doesn't let me cook, I do it all wrong. She'd rather eat crap she makes than my cooking.

The Ultimate Spell

It was the most powerful spell I knew. The most powerful spell anyone ever knew. It was my ultimate last resort, the thing I would do only if the alternative was certain death.

I knew what it was supposed to do, but obviously I couldn't test it out.

Until today.

The hired swords were ill-prepared for an ambush. The bastard had a battleaxe to my throat, when I cast the spell.

The universe undid itself, then reran through the past million years over, going slightly differently.

Until I got back to where I was, with a longspear at my throat.

The Wind

The wind blows colder when the sun shines upon blood.

I've seen plenty of battlefields, where all that remains of those willing to lay down their lives for their flag are laid bodies and no flag.

There's a wind that only blows across such places, that chills you to the bone, no matter how you hide from it. A wind that carries upon it the weight of every death caused by generals not on the field, plotting tactics across paper.

I know you the wind well. It follows me everywhere. And I add to it a lot every single day.

Retirement

He walked into my office.

"So I just quit."

I looked up, confusion on my face.

"From the resource committee?"

"From my whole job."

"Why?"

"I've realised that I can't waste my life here pushing papers and sitting in meaningless meetings!"

I considered this.

"And that's fair, but I feel that you're forgetting the whole 'money is required to survive' aspect of society here in your little revelation."

"No no, I've thought it out. I need you to transfer all possible corporate funds to the following account; 4688-"

"What? No!"

"I'll send you half afterwards."

"What was the account number?"

Chopping Down A Mountain

Every day, I climb the mountain.

It was there, after all, and it wasn't like I was busy doing anything else with my time.

It took me 4 hours to get to the top, and 2 and a half to get down, thanks to gravity.

But I was shaving those numbers, every day. Beyond the handholds and hitching points I didn't need to make every time, I took my pickaxe and shovel, and spent that other hour and a half taking down the top.

One day, there won't be a mountain left. And only I'd have ever truly climbed it.

The Database

Every day another few living citizens of Earth that weren't newborns were processed into the Database, their data entered and ran through all past crimes and outstanding issues, to look for matches.

Pretty soon John Smith, presumably not his real name, was the last one left, as he kept running.

But there was only so much rainforest and ocean to hide in, and eventually he was caught, and brought in for processing.

Where, to the surprise of everyone, he came up clean.

The most surprised person was John Smith, he assumed he'd forgotten his crimes.

But so had everyone else.

Form 628-D58

I landed heavily on a pile of papers which scattered about.

"I hope you're going to pick those up!"

I looked over, seeing a small man sitting at a desk, filing paperwork.

"And you are?"

He sighed, not looking up.

"Do you have any idea how many times you would have destroyed the universe if it wasn't for me?"

"Uh, twice?"

He sighed louder.

"Three hundred and sixty-five times! Each one involving a pile of paperwork the size of... the one you just landed on."

"Oh.

Thank you?"

"If you want to thank me-"

"I can't stop-"

"Get a pen."

Party Favor

I met her at a party neither of us were invited to, her on the arm of the guy with the pills, me getting to tag along with the guy bringing the booze.

We got to talking when we mixed up half a yellow and half a blue in with the vodka, until she began to giggle uncontrollably while I stared at holes in my hands.

The next morning, we both silently searched for food, sharing the warm cheese I found and the cold meatballs she found.

I should have taken her up on the offer of a ride home.

Line

"And you ain't gonna tell me what to do!"

"Cut!

Suzie, please deliver the line as written."

The actress grunted with annoyance.

"But she wouldn't say it like that!"

The director grunted with annoyance.

"Why, because that's not in your vision of the character?"

"No, because she's meant to be from the south, and you can't have her lose her accent for no reason!"

"Ok, ok, fine, look, I think we can work out a way forward."

---

The reviewer grunted as they typed their review.

"And Karen Twain's accent seems to come and go randomly throughout the movie without reason."

Safehouse

It was my emergency backup safehouse. It was a small apartment in the inner city, paid for by a recurring trust fund.

If my back was really up against the wall, I would head there to hide and regroup.

I used it three times, each time when I had nothing left and wolves at the door.

I suppose I should be grateful that every time I got close to falling, I was able to get back up again. But at the end of the day, I used that place three times in all.

The fourth time I didn't make it.

Donut, Sword, Hat

There's a joke, or a humorous observation at least, that every culture on Earth has a dumpling, a donut, a sword, and stupid hats. That humans always fry dough, they make a murder stick, and they put on ostentatious headware.

And it's true, but there was always the question, is it only humans, or do all creatures in the universe do the same?

And eventually, when the saucer landed, we got our answer, as the alien came out wearing a huge cylinder on its head, munching on what looked like fried dough, and holding a laser sword.

Which killed everyone.

530.11

I've worked in the library for thirty years. As the caretaker, you understand, not as a librarian.

But even with that, I've still seen first hand a lot of weird asks. Not the kind like "the book I read as a kid with a blue cover and it turned out she was a fairy", although I've seen plenty of those.

But the weirdest was this one guy who kept coming in every few years, looking like he hadn't aged a day, every time, asking for a time machine repair book.

I assume he's just joking. Or it's stuck in forward.

No Beginnings, No Ends

I didn't know where I was going, just that I had to keep moving forward. Pausing meant stopping, and stopping meant an end.

If I kept moving, if I was always in motion, there could never be an end, or a beginning. Just a constant now, never having to worry about where I was going, or where I'd been.

The natural assumption to take, which many did, was that I must be running from something, that something in my past was driving me onwards.

But no. Because in actuality, I know where my story ends.

And I don't want to.

Sarcasm

"I wanted to surprise you."

"Well I'm surprised, so well done!"

"You don't need to be sarcastic."

"You're right. I don't. But I want to be, because it helps me from blowing my lid."

"Why?"

"Why? Are you blind? Do you not see the chaos you've unleashed here?

"No no, I understand that, I'm just curious as to why being sarcastic helps you from blowing your top."

"I...

I don't know. I think it is a matter of...

HEY! You're just trying to distract me from your mistakes!"

"No, not at all!"

"Was that sarcasm?"

"No."

"Was that?"

"Maybe."

"Dammit."

Count Me Down

The explosion tore through the base with a fairly regular pattern. One section would blow up, the heat, debris, and pressure would all flow into the next section. That section would buckle, then break, then explode, repeat.

With a deviation of ten seconds either side, it was taking a minute forty for each section.

So, counting the sections, I was sixteen minutes and forty seconds away from death.

I had no hope of escape, nor of rescue, so I didn't bother. Instead, I put on my favorite album and waited.

I didn't realise the obvious issue till Side B ended.

Hosalia (Blessed Be Her Name)

Like every cleric of Hosalia (blessed be her name), I prayed every night to Hosalia (blessed be her name). And like every cleric, I would be contacted by a angelic messenger of Hosalia (blessed be her name) who would talk to me and empower me.

But after a few years of travelling the ten levels of existence, it got undeniable that Hosalia (blessed be her name) didn't seem to actually exist.

When I finally confronted the angelic messengers, they attacked me, then dragged me before Hosalia (blessed be her name).

Afterwards, I was turned into an angelic messenger of... her.

The Statue

I placed the statue into the acid bath and waited.

A lot of people had died over this statue, from the natives killed as it was, uh, 'discovered', to the various double crosses between thieves that had occured between then and now.

And now, thanks to two treasure hunters trying to cut each other out at the same time via two gunshots, it came into my hands.

But I had to make sure it was what it was supposed to be. Hence the acid bath.

After a few moments, I stirred it.

Given it was empty, I had my answer.

Disappointment

Her parents never approved of us, which I used to joke was why she wanted to marry me. She always denied that.

That had negatives, sure, an entire side of the family not being part of our lives was going to lead to disappointment, no question. But it also had positives, we had less people to worry about disappointing and less presents to buy, less dates to remember. But she always did remember them.

Eventually, when she finally left me to try and win them back, I let her go but told her it wasn't worth it.

She eventually agreed.

A Mistake

I'm sure that you must have plenty of questions. Who am I, where are you, what do I want, is Jackie alive. That about cover it?

Yeah, well, the answers are, in order, doesn't matter, doesn't matter, the combination, and for now, although that depends on how quickly you respond to the third answer. And how you respond matters too.

Oh, come now, you know exactly what combination I mean.

Don't play coy, you know exactly who Jackie is.

You're a good actor, but, if you're not who I think you are, you're dead.

Fine, goodbye.

Clean up room nine!

Choose Wisely

The puzzle sat, undisturbed, for a few hundred years, before someone attempted to solve it.

The invading tribe's scout tried to find a way around it, then ended up having to guess the answer, unable to read the other tribe's text. He chose poorly, and was crushed by a falling stone.

A few hundred years after that, the invading coloniser couldn't read heathen scratchings, and guessed the answer, choosing poorly, and falling into the spike trap.

A few hundred years after that, the archologist discovered it, got the right answer, and was disappointed at the ancient candy bowl reward given.

Catfish

I've had plenty of offers to sell my secret recipe for my fried catfish. And I've refused every one of them.

It's not that I've not needed the money, there's been plenty of times when I really needed the cash.

It's not that I've had some sort of moral issue with selling the recipe, I'm all for people selling their intellectual property.

It's not that I've not had offers, every week it seems, I've got another offer to sell the secret, to big chains and small recipe blogs.

But the problem is that I can't sell "use my old oil".

At Night

 When the night falls upon the land,

The monsters' time is at hand.

They creep out of the darkness, bold,

To find what lives in their hands they hold.

But on this night, a problem arose.

When from the wagon chased, a figure throws.

A ball, it seemed, small, but a heavy load.

Rolled and landed in the middle of the road.

They approached the item, wary and slow,

Until one of them kicked it with a heavy, hairy toe.

The ball began to shake, and there was a rumble,

And then there was a flash PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN...

Interrogation

She was staring at the camera in the corner of the room when I walked in.

"So, let's start at the top. Who hired you?"

"Victor Nox."

I sighed, she kept staring.

"For opening jokes, I've heard better."

"It's not a joke."

"So an internationally renowned assassin who was trying to kill my boss was hired by... my boss. You want to try again?"

"He hired me to try and kill him. You were supposed to stop me. You did.

Congratulations."

"Did he say what was going to happen at this point?"

"No."

"Well, that-"

The camera shot a bullet.

Earworm

There have been plenty of songs that get stuck in people's heads, over the years. But  this was a totally different thing.

Because while other songs would just stick in your head until you heard a different annoyingly catchy song, this one would stick there and not leave, no matter what you did.

It would just play over and over, no matter what you did, driving you mad with it going around and around in your head.

This was obviously not a good thing, don't get me wrong, but all things considered, at least the song was actually pretty good.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I had been running through the tunnel for long enough that my lungs were burning, my legs were like lead, but I kept going, I had to keep moving.

And there was a light at the end, drawing me onwards, giving me hope.

But as I moved closer, the light seemed to be growing brighter and larger. And this was because it was a speeding train coming towards me.

As it came closer and closer, at the last second, I threw myself to the side. And I was doubly lucky.

It didn't hit me, and it did hit my pursuer.

Hunting

We sailed down the river lazily. I kept one hand on the tiller and the other held my beer.

As we moved further north, using the currents to drag us, we discussed our plans for when we spotted the location we were heading for.

Bill wanted to set up camp, get a base established, and then start hunting.

Adam wanted to start hunting the escapees immediately, not wanting to give them any more time than what we absolutely had to.

I just wanted to make landfall and go to the bathroom.

The alligator made sure no-one got what they wanted.

Counting

They told me I'd always remember everyone I shot, until you got to triple digits.

At first, I didn't believe them. But then after I'd shot a bunch of people, and could remember every single one of them, I began to believe them.

But then I stopped believing them when I got to triple digits and was still remembering every single one of them, and I couldn't forget a single scream, or a single death.

Once I got to quadruple digits, though, then I did begin to forget. Mainly because I lost track of the numbers, to be truly honest.

Letting Her Go

My heart was torn in two when she dumped me.

My buddies told me to chase her, to not give up and not take this lying down.

But I knew that was wrong.

My family told me to forget her, to let her go and to just move on with my life.

But I knew I couldn't do that.

So I was stuck, knowing that I shouldn't chase her, but also knowing I couldn't let her go. This would lead to a spiral of emotional pain, I knew.

But then her twin sister called me, and so began different problems.

Watching On

The job was the worst type of job. It was vitally important, and required intense focus and perfect action, but only at random and rare times. The tiny portal needed to be watched, with a reinforcement spell cast when it began to grow. Too much casting would lead to the portal snapping wider, hence the need for constant supervision.

The shifts were short, designed to allow for maximum focus. And it worked well for two hundred years.

Of course, after that long, mistakes were due to be made. Just once.

But once was all that could occur, given the results.

Uncovered

As the archaeologists continued to slowly and carefully move the dirt, they were locked in an intense argument.

"I cannot believe you're ignoring the evidence literally laying before you." She hissed.

"One set of weapons does not invalidate my theory, Doctor." He said with a hoarse whisper.

"But it does bring it into question! So why can't I question it?" She replied, her voice low but determined.

"Because it's the reason we are able to be here to find this, so shut up and keep covering it before someone else sees this stuff!"

"You better hope no-one digs into this."

Last Call

As soon as she stepped in the door, we both knew this was the last time we'd see each other, and that the time would be limited, moments at best.

We could have immediately gone at it and made passionate love, but neither of us was good 'performing' on a deadline, and we were probably being watched.

We could have cried, holding each other close as we let the grief wash over us, but neither of us wanted that to be our last memories.

So we just stared at each other, smiling, until we ran for it.

Didn't make it.

Bubble Bubble

The potion began to bubble over the side of the cauldron, but she didn't notice, as she was too busy counting badger eyeballs.

When the fluid hit the fire beneath the cauldron, she didn't notice, as she was too busy measuring out snake blood.

When the fire began to burn a bright blue color, increasing the heat beneath the cauldron and causing it to bubble over more, she didn't notice, as she was chopping up eagle gizzards.

When the potion blew up, she didn't notice, as she was outside, fighting off several animals who were looking for revenge on her. 

Message In A Bottle

I was just sitting in the wet sand, letting the waves wash over me, when something hard hit my foot.

I resisted the urge to kick it and instead looked first, picking up a glass bottle, a letter rolled up inside it.

Beyond the shock of finding an actual message in a bottle, it looked like you saw in media, with barnacles and seaweed wrapped around it.

It took me a while, but I eventually managed to pull out the letter.

Before I could read it, an unexpectedly large wave hit me and disintegrated it.

Probably should have moved first.

Bullseye

She was on 32 points, the magic number, since it was the easiest to recover from as she tried to double out and win.

She missed the double 16, getting a single, then just missed the double 8, and then missed double 4 by a hair.

I got a few points on my turn, but was already ordering another drink, since I knew I was done.

She missed the double 2, and then the double 1 twice, leaving her on two points 

"You're just dragging this out."

She laughed, but then won the first time I got within winning range.

George

I asked for Suzi, and the Royal Room.

After a few moments, she walked in, smiling as she walked in.

"Hello, thank you for requesting me."

She stared at me for a second, I could see her mentally flicking through her files.

"I hope you'll tell me who recommended me, so I can thank them."

"George."

She looked confused.

"Your brother."

Mentioning her dead brother made her slap me across the face.

I waited for a moment.

"Or should I say, me."

That got me another slap.

I explained everything.

I got ten more slaps by the end of it.

Overreaction

As the starcraft left ultraspace and moved into orbit around the target planet, she turned to me as I did my calculations.

"So what is all this over, anyway?"

I sighed, and decided to tell her.

"He stole my breakfast."

She stared at me for a moment.

"That's it? All of this, for what, a protein bar? Talk about an overreaction!"

"You don't you understand. He knowingly stole a minor thing from a man of my power and position. A man who's willing to do that, is far too dangerous."

I finished my calculations and then blew up the planet.

Yesterday, Today

Today is the same as yesterday. But I can't get out of bed.

I still have the same loving partner who got out of bed an hour before now that I did yesterday. But I'm still unable to get up.

There isn't any difference in my finances, outside of the usual minor stock market changes. But my legs refuse to move.

Physically, I'm just as healthy as I was yesterday. But still...

Nothing has changed since yesterday.

But nothing had changed from yesterday's yesterday neither. Or from a thousand other yesterdays, it seems.

Hence I can't get out of bed.

Partners

The four people entered the room, one after each other, through four different doors.

The safecracker had the money. The driver had the keys. The heavy had the guns, and the boss had the tickets.

The boss tried to keep everyone focused on the plan, but far too quickly each of the others brought up their complaints, and soon words were flying.

But as soon as the heavy went for a gun, the others jumped him.

A complicated few moments happened, before three gunshots rang out, one, two, three.

A millionaire with no connection to any of the bodies left.

Gumshoe

I was used to all sorts of people coming through my door, most of them hoping I could work miracles. For every easy trailing to prove infidelity, there were.a dozen families looking for their long lost child that was almost certainly dead.

But the femme fatale, looking to seduce me into helping her kill someone and find some golden statue? That's only ever happened to me once, which seems one more than it should be, really.

And for the record, I didn't help her. Not because I was unwilling to kill, but because I was still on duty trailing her.

Consistency

The system could work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. As long as the upper feeder system had enough raw materials feeding into it, it would never stop producing product.

Which is not to say that it was all on, all the time. Parts would break, aspects would require changing, maintaining the device needed downtime.

So it was modular, parts could be turned off, removed, fixed, while the rest of the machine worked. There was always something off or removed.

But saying the machine was off 24 hours a day, that seems wrong, somehow.

Lifted

As far as elevation platforms went, this was a pretty long one, as it took people from the surface up to the space station above.

It was also quick, and yet slow. It took five minutes to get between the levels, but that was with it moving at sub-light speeds.

There were rumors that as the pods went through the upper levels of the atmosphere, they slowed down, which was just ridiculous. There was no reason for that to occur.

Especially considering there wasn't actually a shaft up, it was just a cover for the transporter system built into it.

Breathe

The first colony on Mars was going so well, up until the day when the first colonist to remove their environmental suit dropped dead.

Tests were run, data collected, theories theorised, and then the next person to remove their suit also died suddenly.

No-one else removed their suits, but they dropped dead soon after.

Robots were dispatched, and everything was fruitlessly analysed, until finally someone had an allergic reaction to a cat back at HQ.

Every human was allergic to Martian dust, and that ended colonisation.

Which makes sense, that's why humanity was sent off Mars in the first place.

Suspect

The policeman knocked on the door, and after a moment, it was opened by a blind man, heavy black glasses on his face, a white cane in his hand.

"Hello?"

"Yes, hello, I'm Officer Friedman, from the 8th Precinct. We're looking for a suspect who attacked a woman in the park a short while ago. The suspect was pepper sprayed. Do you have any information?"

The blind man shook his head.

"No, sorry. If I see anything, I'll report it."

The policeman went to walk away, before pausing.

"So, lucky you already had the cane, huh?"

The suspect ran, quickly.

The Greatest Sound

"Get ready to hear the greatest sound made by man, baby!"

He turned the key in the motorcycle's lock, and nothing happened.

"Well, I'll give you that a man shutting up is a good sound."

He grunted with annoyance as he tried a few more times to start the motorcycle up.

"Something is wrong, let me check the engine."

He got off the motorcycle and began to fiddle with the engine.

After a few moments, he sighed.

"I'll have to stay here and fiddle with this, why don't you go shopping, honey?"

"Ah, the greatest sound made by man, excellent!"

The Pointless Walker

No-one knew his name, but the merchants and travellers who frequented the Grand Road Number Seven knew him as The Pointless Walker.

He walked all the way from Rejuk to Holade City, then back, and then repeated. The stories say he used to do the round trip in a week, but now he took almost a full month to do one half.

People would occasionally offer him a lift, but he always refused, as he walked, hunched over and stepping along slowly.

I ended up helping him when I stepped on the key he was looking for, end point first.

No Touching

He always told me to 'Never touch the bait money'. The scam needed us to look like we could pull off the deal, we just needed to get to the meeting place, hence the need for a rube, sorry, partner.

And thus, in case they wanted to count it or something, it had to be legit. Hence, no touching.

After our last scam went bad, he got shot. And as he bled out, he told me, that he'd been touching the bait money, all this time.

He died before I could tell him I'd been touching his secret stash too.

Sped Up

The discussions around the tavern fire pit tended to revolve around the same things. Someone would start with talking about a war happening, or the newest magic device created. Then someone would make a joke, and that would lead to a few rounds of jokes, and then finally the drunkest sad sack would unload their problems on us. Then the tavern owner would call time, and kick us all out.

Tonight was different in a way, and yet not, thanks to the sad sack who called time on us and laughed as he used his new magic device on us.

Death Of The Revolution

I want you to understand my reasoning here.

We were screwed as a group. The troops were closing in, and there was no way we could fight off the entire army. We'd all be killed, and sure, martyrdom sounds like a good outcome for us. But they'd make sure no-one would ever hear of us.

The only way out that I could see, and still believe in, was that someone had to get out and spread the message. And the only way out was betrayal. So I killed them all, so I could restart the revolution.

One of these days.

Street Light

LlThe streetlight flickered every few seconds, causing the scene below to be alternately bathed in light and hidden from view.

The two figures stood several feet apart.

Darkness.

The two figures stood closer.

Darkness.

One reached out their hand.

Darkness.

The other nuzzled into the hand.

Darkness.

The first figure pleaded with the second.

Darkness.

The second figure looked away.

Darkness.

The second figure looked back.

Darkness.

The second figure looked sad, and shook their head.

Darkness.

The second figure slowly looked away.

Darkness.

They walked away, the first figure left alone.

Darkness.

A single tear fell.

Darkness.

More darkness.

Strictness

On the surface of Mars, the first Human colony has a strict hierarchy, with every member of the colony in an exact line of authority. It was decided that this would be important if and when conflicts arose.

And given the long time between deliveries from Earth and the loneliness, it was based on old sailing ships, where the Quartermaster had the ultimate authority, outside of combat or emergency situations.

The problem was, what constituted an emergency was vague, in order to allow for flexibility.

But then the Captain declared an emergency upon landing.

Been 10 years of emergency now.

Seafront

The blood red tide washed back and forth on the shoreline, keeping the wreckages that had washed up damp and stained.

I sat just far enough up on the sand that the tide didn't reach me, the blood staining the sand around me my own.

Out on the horizon, I could see the last two ships that were still afloat and not completely on fire moving towards each other.

There were thousands of people still in the sea, in need of rescue.

But no, clearly shooting at each other and blowing each other up was much more important to do.

Eating Contest

The timer was counting down, which is what counters did.

The commentators were writing me off, which is what expert opinion agreed with.

The pile of hot dogs was congealing before me, which is what cooling fast food did.

The opponent was already taking a victory lap of sorts as he played with his food, which was the sort of behaviour that his PR guy agreed with.

The rumbling from my stomach was getting louder, which is what upset stomachs did.

The victory was unexpected, but the referee's noticing of the false leg was something the rule book agreed with.

Humanity's Solo

The Symphony rang out across space and time, the peaks and valleys of the music reaching whatever body part detected sounds on billions of beings, in a universe of quadrillions.

A few of these beings were unable to answer the call, and went mad. But those that could, travelled across time and space, to the location of the Symphony, to find the truth that it promised. Those that got there found the purpose of everything, and were happy. And those that went mad were happy too, in their own way.

Only the human ear turned it into an advertising jingle.

Forge Ahead

Yes, I run a printing store, and yes, I also run a forgery business out of said store.

All the time, someone comes in and asks for something unusual. False IDs for kids wanting to get into titty bars, the occasional passport for someone wanting to smuggle prescription drugs over the border.

But the weird stuff, that's a double edged sword. Someone needs a prison guard reassignment form, they're in the middle of something complicated and messy. And thus, they're the ones most likely to get you into trouble.

But they're also the most fun.

I've learned to hate fun.

Expensive Free Drink

The drink was free, but it was also the most expensive drink I'd ever have.

I passed the club almost every day, and on almost every one of those days, the barker was out the front, talking about how hot the girls were inside, how cheap the drinks were, how good the food was, every tactic to try and get me inside. I never bit.

Eventually, he offered me a free drink, if I just came in, once. So I did, just to get him off my back.

I went in, had a free drink, then saw Her on stage.

The Responsible One

Every squad in the trenches had the weird one. Most of the time, it was the one who was trying to get out of the war. But we had Private Janeway.

He had a look in his eye that seemed to always be staring at a point two feet behind you, he got letters written in what I hoped was red pen from home, and he had a grenade from the enemy on his belt at all times. 'To take out the one responsible', he repeatedly claimed.

That turned out to be our squad leader when Janeway took a bullet.

Evil Machinations

The Evil One ruled for a century, using various deluded humans to reside in as it carried out its evil machinations. But eventually a group of humans managed to seal it away in a magic jar at the bottom a bottomless lake.

But then, centuries later, fracking activities disturbed the jar, and broke it enough to release The Evil One, which quickly sought out a powerful human to reside in, choosing a merchant who had more gold than all the kings left.

The Evil One needed a long time to work out why its machinations were apparently an obvious improvement.

Waking Up

Waking up in a hospital isn't the worst outcome, I grant you, given what I was attempting to do.

Waking up feeling like I'd fallen off a skyscraper and hot-glued back together, that's not ideal, sure, but not unexpected.

Waking up with no-one around, and the hospital looking deserted, that's very much in the ballpark of unlikely, but possible, and something to be concerned about.

Waking up at least two years after you last knew the date, according to the newspaper left on the table, that does fit in with all the above.

Waking up to the apocalypse, that's depressing.

Ring Ring

A customer walked into the shop, the bell ringing as they entered.

I emerged from the back.

"Hello, can I help you?"

They stood there, with their back to me, staring at the bell.

"Hello?"

They turned back around, pointing at the bell.

"Where did you get that bell?"

"Uh...

It was here when I bought the property, Miss."

"And when was that?"

"Ten years ago, in a week. That's why we have a special on-"

"That bell, I know that ring from my childhood. Does the name Janny mean anything to you?"

"It-"

"Don't say it!"

"... Sounds familiar, yes."

The Password

I sat down at the screen, my arms crossed as the technician ran through the patter, explaining how they'd mapped my brother's brain to the molecular level and recreated him in the cloud, so he could live forever.

"Hey Brobro, how are you?"

That was what he always called me, but that was easy enough.

"What's the password then?"

The virtual representation that proported to be my brother paused.

"For my laptop?"

"No, you know the one. You've passed on, technically. What's the password?"

The face froze, then after a moment spat out "Hellisantosjumbleluck".

Wasn't him. Our password was "Fellisontosjumpleduck".

The Key To Immortality

He studied the book for his entire life, looking for the key to immortality inside it. His master had told him it was the key right before he died, which was a point against thinking it held the key to immortality. But he would always tell me his master rejected immortality for some esoteric reason.

When he died, he gave me the book, telling me to find the key for him.

I just went to the end location of the map in the book, to say that I tried.

And found a book shaped indent as part of a lock.

Gold, And A Place To Spend It

The Court Wizard ran into my room, his robe covered in burn marks.

"I need your list of the best mercenaries we know, the world is at stake!"

I paused as I reached for the right scroll.

"Shouldn't I get the list of heroes of the realm?"

He shook his head.

"No, they're liable to throw their lives away in some heroic sacrifice and end up screwing everything up. Those who work for money are motivated to keep going so they can spend it! And this creature surely doesn't understand commerce!"

And it didn't, but it did understand illusion creation.

First, Second, Third

I woke up with an empty tequila bottle in my hand, a pounding pain in my head, and the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my bed.

I quietly dropped the first and tried to stop the second so I could try to remember how the third came to be.

I presumed the first was responsible for the second, but could it really explain the third?

If the third was the reason the first was empty though, that would explain it.

The third then opened her eyes and spoke.

"Hey handsome. Ready for round four?"

That raised further questions.