Doorframe

Through the door was the next phase.

Stepping through wouldn't be too difficult, just embrace what the world had in store, trust in the process, all that stuff.

But staying here, that also wouldn't be too difficult. Slightly harder than stepping through, sure, the world would have a strong opinion about this, but it had been done by plenty before, and would be done by plenty again.

But that's not what he wanted. But he didn't want what lay beyond the door, either.

But that only left jumping out the window.

And taking the trip down several hundred feet, terminally.

Gold Star

After the fifth Sheriff had died, the city refused to send any more until the Mayor had an explanation and an assurance it wouldn't happen again.

The Mayor wasn't sure what to do. None of them had been shot or attacked by criminals, that would have been enough to get an army of Marshalls down, but it was too late now. And the truth, that they'd all died in their sleep, wasn't good enough.

So, they made up a story about a local cook poisoning them, and him dying.

This worked, especially when the bartender cleaned his special Sheriff glass.

Rose Again

As she went into the operating room, she looked up at me.

"And if it fails, I expect roses, my room to be full of them, remember?"

I nodded.

"You've only said it a few hundred times."

"I want to make sure is all!" She called out as she was wheeled in.

I went and sat in the waiting room. Several hours later, the doctor came out and we spoke briefly.

A few hours later, she woke up, in an unfilled room.

"Oh."

It was all she said, before she drifted off again, and I started bringing in the roses.

Workmate

He stuck his head into my cubicle, like he'd done almost every workday.

"Hey man, I've got to meet with the accounts department in an hour, discussing the E.F.Rs for the next financial year. You don't mind tagging along, do you?"

Every since I'd started here, he was constantly asking for stuff like this, little favors, none of them too difficult, but overall time and energy consuming. I was done, and was prepared for the argument.

"Sorry, can't-"

"Oh, ok, no sweat, see you later!"

He left, and I tried to convince myself that wouldn't have worked any time prior.

Set-Up Punchline

They both took part in the same open mic contest to begin their careers. They both lost to the fat guy telling blue jokes.

They were never friends, but as they worked on their routines and honed their abilities, they often shared a stage, sometimes he would open for her, sometimes she opened for him, usually they both opened for someone else.

But they both worked equally hard, and ended up getting picked up by agents at the same time, moving into movies simultaneously, getting nominated the same year.

And both losing to a veteran character acting doing blue jokes.

Last Brick

He placed the last brick in the wall, scraping off the mortar that seeped out around it, and then backed away and sat down on his stump.

He opened his bottle and took a large swig from it as he glanced at the sun. A few hours to the mortar set, at sundown the wall would be finished.

He watched over it, silently watching months of work settle and solidify.

Just before it could be called finished, he walked back over and moved the brick.

It was ruined, and thus he began yo demolish it all and start again.

Again.

Crowd Control

The crowd was silent for several long, agonising seconds.

Just as I was about to try and win them back over, the one guy who's always in the crowd spoke up.

"Yeah, good one buddy."

I had one shot. One chance to win them back over, now that the element of being made to look like a fool was introduced. So I took a deep breath, and went to speak.

There's always that one guy, but there's sometimes the second guy.

"Great work!"

At that point, I had lost them, so I just went to plan B.

First shots missed.

The Bridge Failure

The bridge held for generations, withstanding everything that was thrown at it. Storms and floods, fires and dryness, millions of trips across and back, it never showed any sign of not being able to take the strain.

Then a guy tripped and fell over, landing with all his body weight on a chisel, point side down.

It left a mark.

And that mark grew, and grew, and spiderwebbed out from there, until a few decades later, the bridge failed.

You could blame that guy, but really, when you come down to it, was it really his fault?

Well, yes, obviously.

My Life Right Now

I am so fucking tired of everything, but I can't actually complain about anything.

It's so stupid, that my life isn't that bad, objectively, I know. I'm very fortunate, relatively speaking. And yet, I'm absolutely feeling terrible about everything. And I know I'm allowed to feel bad, that my negative emotions are valid, regardless of whatever objective facts about my life there are.

But still, I feel bad about feeling bad, which is a terrible feedback loop, as I just can't get over the fact that I can't feel better.

I don't have a happy ending here. Hope you're ok.

Bridged

He couldn't understand how to get out of this universe, when getting in was easy enough. His bridge device that he'd, um, obtained, from the visitor from another universe had worked well for years, leading him to many fun universes, and a few dangerous ones, but for some reason this boring grey cloud universe, it wouldn't let him out, no matter what he tried.

After a hundred years, he finally found out what was going on, when he was released, that this was punishment for murdering his other self and stealing his bridge device.

The murder part was a surprise.

Goal Filling

I was always taught to have a target, a goal to aim for. You work harder when there's a finish line, that sort of thing.

And I applied that in all aspects of my life. I wouldn't just focus on doing more flossing, I had to count every time until I reached a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand.

It worked well, for me at least, for most things. But part of me was left unfulfilled, I felt an emptiness in my soul.

So I made it a goal to fill it.

I've tried a lot, up to casual sex now.

A Captain's Opinion

I was of the opinion that she shouldn't go, that it was too dangerous a mission. She told me I was wrong.

I was of the opinion that she had been silent for far too long. My superior told me I was wrong 

I was of the opinion that she needed me to be the one to mount the rescue mission. My superiors and my team-mates told me I was wrong.

I was of the opinion that she would forgive me for the court martial I would get when I got home with her. She told me I was right.

The Bar

It was the first quiet night since I started at this bar, and I was shooting the shit with one of the bouncers.

"So what's the wildest it's ever gotten in here, be a football game I guess?"

The bouncer shook his head.

"Most times they get loud but manageable."

"One of the big social events then, an election or march or something?"

"Nah, the regulars don't care about that."

"What was it then?"

"A week ago."

"What, really? What happened?"

"Your predecessor died."

"What? How, why, what happened?"

"Blood loss, they got shot, they asked too many questions."

"Understood."

Lesson For My Student

There have been several points in history where the universe could have ceased to exist.

Most of them were within the first milliseconds, when the universe was first forming, the energy ebbing and flowing as it fought to exist.

A few seconds later, when it was a mere few million kilometers across, it was nearly swallowed by another universe that was burning out.

Then a millennium later, when it was still a maelstrom of fire and destruction, it almost burnt itself out, but a few dozen supernovas kept it going.

And then, a moment ago, you almost blew it up.

If Today Was Your Last Day

"What would you do if this was your last day on Earth?"

"Do I know?"

"Know what?"

"That it's my last day on Earth."

"Yes, of course."

"Well then I'd probably be in a bubble to prepare."

"What?"

"If I'm about to head to another planet, I'm bound-"

"No, no, you'll die in a day, what do you do? That's how you should live."

"Am I dying in a day?"

"Well you might!"

"And I might not. And thus what I would do is not appropriate, since it has consequences."

"Don't deny yourself!"

"If you insist."

I punched him hard.

Not There

Where was the crowd when he was training every morning, striving to be the very best? Not there.

Where was the crowd when he was injured, when his knee was on fire with every step, every exercise, every moment of agony as he strove back towards the field? Not there.

Where was the crowd when he almost failed to qualify for the race, when his time was only good enough when someone was disqualified? Not looking at him.

So when he succeeded, when he won, when he got gold, and the crowd was there, where was he, mentally? Not there.

Right Defusing

He should have been the one defusing the bomb, but given the gauze over his eyes to try and save some of his eyesight, I had to do it with his help.

"Right, so now there should be three wires."

"There's five."

"Right, two decoys. What colors are they?"

"They're all black."

"Right, either they're super professional, or they're lucky amateurs. Find the three that lead between the timer, the keypad, and the fuel."

"There's two between the fuel and the timer."

"Right, cut one."

"Just one, which one?"

"Right, I-"

"Cutting!"

He paused.

"Right, we're also very lucky apparently."

The DRP

The idea that The Service refuses to acknowledge or address mistakes is laughable. The Service fully understands and appreciates that due to changing circumstances, incorrect data management, or even occasional plain old human error, there may well be instances where the data we have is not accurate. The Service takes these issues very seriously, which us why The Service has the Data Realignment Protocol. If you, or anyone you know, is misaligned with the data The Service has, please notify the DRP promptly, and they will work quickly to make sure the misalignment is rectified in line with the Data.

UpLoad

I was about to hit submit when, by sheer dumb luck, my screen was on a part of the text that had an obvious mistake in the data set, a spelling mistake that probably wouldn't effect the end result. But to try and fix it, I'd have to go through every line, just a find and replace would get too many false positives.

So, I decided to risk it, and press the submit button.

It uploaded, I logged off, and then went to bed.

I woke up to an email saying they'd spotted a spelling mistake and find/replaced it.

Newsflash

"Hey, did you hear, oh, what was his name, James..."

"James Boyer, the writer of 'Ladder of Glory', he died last night, car crash."

"Oh, you did know then."

"Yes, I did. Just like every single time you've ever asked me about someone or something in a field you know I'm interested in, I already know. I'm online more than you are, I see all this stuff long before you. Why do you keep asking as if I'd have not heard about it?"

"Because surely you'd prefer hearing bad news from me rather than from a website?"

"You'd be surprised."

The Flames

The fire burned.

I watched it, enjoying the dance of the flames, the ebb and flow, rise and fall.

But all too soon, the fire stopped dancing and started dying. So I looked for more to feed it.

I found a few pieces of wood, and fed the flames, but it wasn't enough, not for flames worthy of the fire.

So I improvised, and grabbed anything that would burn, some bound papers, anything that would help.

The fire burned once more.

But then the alarm went off and I was forced to leave the fire behind, temporarily.

It caught up.

The Love Spell

She refused to cast the spell the first few dozen times I asked. But eventually, after promising to leave her alone forever, after I'd fetched her a few rare and precious spell ingredients, she agreed.

I gathered all the required items, and under a full moon, she laid them out.

"Focus on her, fill your mind with her name, her scent, all that you know of her. And then she shall be yours, once the water turns golden."

She stared at the water blankly.

"And it's failed."

"What? Does that mean she already loves me?"

"No, means she hates you."

Beside The Road

"Morning Ma'am, do.you know why I pulled you over?"

"Sir."

There was a short pause.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, Sir?"

"I'm not a man!"

"You just said you were a male, Ma'am!"

"No I didn't, I was referring to you!"

"I'm clearly not a man, Ma'am!"

"I'm not a woman either!"

There was a longer pause.

"License and Registration, please."

"When was the last time you calibrated your radar gun?"

"It was calibrated yesterday-"

"Current guidelines say it needs to be done daily."

The longest pause.

"Please open your trunk."

"You finally noticed the banging, huh?"

Never See It Coming

The fortune teller, after telling me next week's lottery numbers and to keep a lighter on me for when I met the love of my life, said that I was lucky, since I wouldn't see my death coming.

After I became a multimillionaire and then came to the rescue of the love of my life when she needed her ex's photo burnt, I obviously began to seek out challenge and danger head on, since I knew I wouldn't die to a shark I swam with.

Well, I mean, the deadly infection from the treatment of my shark bite was unexpected.

Cutting Ties

After I was done screaming in terror abour being on an alien spaceship, and after they injected what I assume was a translation device into my head, I calmed down enough to talk.

I tried to explain the world situation as best I could. I told them I was getting things wrong, but they kept saying they wanted an on the ground recap.

Once I was done, I asked about if they had been, given how sightings stopped around when smartphones became prominent.

They said something about orders to avoid planets with a tech level before they started dissecting me.

Sign Here

I looked at the soul, slightly perturbed that they weren't intimidated by the Ruler of Hell staring at them.

"You do realise the cost of failure will be intense, and never-ending, yes?"

"Yes, and I'm willing to risk it. Send me back and I'll deliver you a hundred souls to save my own."

I considered it. "Deal."

Once they signed, I sent them back to the moment they'd died.

A moment later, the soul reappeared, not alone.

"You couldn't last a minute?"

"Oh, I always knew I was screwed, I just needed to kill this guy."

I began the torture.

Hesitation In The Trench

It's hardly the biggest killer on battlefields (that's incompetent leadership), but hesitation is the most disheartening to see play out.

Probably because it usually hits the young ones, taking them out before they really get a chance to learn. One half second spent to build the courage needed to kill another person, and that's all they need to get in first.

If I could wave a magic wand, I'd get rid of all the hesitation, at least on my side.

I'd use it to get rid of incompetent leadership, but without that you don't get wars, so I'll leave that.

Hidden Cash

It was his secret little stashing place. You stand on this floorboard here, and press up on the mantelpiece there, it opened up a slit in the wall, just large enough to put the occasional large bill.

He didn't keep a running total, instead just having a rough idea of how much was there. But he needed a car, and the car needed a new axle.

So he reached in, and pulled out a single slip of paper, no cash.

It was a bill for foundation repairs to the apartment block, signed off on by the cranky old man upstairs. 

The Diamond And Ruby Ring

The ring was made not to be sold, but to prove that the apprentice was ready to graduate.

The proposal was made not to be accepted, but to prove that he totally wasn't gay, Mother.

The child was made not to be loved, but to prove that he still wasn't gay, Mother, stop asking.

The promise was made not to be kept, but to just make his son happy and stop him asking what he intended to do with the ring.

The ring was made not with real diamonds and rubies, but fakes, much to the disappointment of the son.

Time Loop Rules

I stared at the red crystal in the chest, as I listened for the sound of temporal energy gathering around me.

The book told me that this was how the time loop worked, the temporal energy swirled around me, and once it reached a certain level, the crystal would send me back 24 hours, and repeat.

To break the loop, I just needed to break the crystal.

So I locked the chest up and put it back on the shelf. As far as costs of immortality went, this was one I was happy to pay from now till, well, forever.

Fey Odds

The Fey promised all sorts of treasures, all sorts of rewards, whatever it took to get a mortal to pick up and throw the dice.

Gamble for what your soul most desires, at the risk of your soul. And the odds are simple, if the three dice total to even, you win! Odd...

Of course, the die did not have six sides, despite their appearance. They had a billion sides, three of them even, the rest odd.

It worked well for millennia. Then someone got an even number on the first die.

But luckily, the second die was also even.

Succubus.exe

The succubus was used to appearing in magic circles, or in chains, or in any number of fruitless attempts to constrain her. Those were boring but profitable.

Occasionally she was summoned without any of that, usually by mistake, but when it was deliberate, that was when it was fun.

But this time, she was summoned in a pocket universe, existing in a pseudo 2.5 dimensions. She could see a confused but horny young man on the other side of a portal. That was relatively normal.

And then he uploaded her. And she's now a few thousand different models, influencers, cosplayers...

The Impossible Weapon

The weapon was never meant to be used. A device that could remove an entire star system from existence, in the blink of an eye? Trillions of lives taken in an instant, it was made to end war because no-one would dare risk angering those who had it.

But The Crusade had the Gods behind it, and they had faith that the weapon wouldn't, or couldn't be used, and they wouldn't stop at anything.

So the weapon was used for the first time on their home system

Then again to remove their other bases.

And again, and again, and again...

In The Pipeline

The heat was unbearable, the kind that, no matter how often you showered or how long you sat in front of a fan, got into your very bones. It clawed at me, draining my energy, my wits, everything. I was just a pile of body parts, not really put together to do anything other than sit, stew, and gulp water down.

Of course, getting the water involved having to get up and move, and that seemed like far too much work.

But by the time I'd worked out the system of tubes, the heatwave was done.

For a few days. 

Fortune Cookie Vending Machine

The vending machine must have been installed over the weekend, as it wasn't there Friday afternoon, but was there Monday morning when I passed on my way to work.

I didn't pay it much mind, chalking it up to being popular elsewhere. But a few mornings later, as I passed, I found a coin on the ground nearby. I shrugged and bought a fortune cookie from the machine.

I cracked it open as I tried to see where it was getting power. The cookie burst into glitter, and then I woke up a few days earlier, installed on a corner.

Service With A Frown

He'd come in and sat at the counter, and ordered our 'world's best bacon and pancakes combo', and coffee. Despite the derision, I took his order with a smile and delivered it to him.

As I worked, I kept an eye on him, as he ate the combo in silence, in-between long sips of coffee.

Once he was done, he banged his fist onto the counter, looking angry. I walked over.

"Let me guess, someone you hate said this was the best and you're angry they're right? We get that a lot."

"Solution?"

"I could spit in your coffee?"

"Please."

Call And Response

Data transfers through the vortex were limited to half a second long, or else they degraded too much, and they took three months to emerge on the other side. The computers were supposed to compress data and such so that we got maximum use of the time.

But after three data packages in a row that were complete junk, almost completed degraded, I finally just sent a barely compressed audio file, asking for an explanation about what was going on.

I got one, when the alien ship came through and opened fire, now that they got a message they understood.

Piss Into The Wind

When the bridge collapsed, they were over on the other side of the valley. But I'd hung back to take a piss, so I was stuck apart from the group.

They called out that there was the other bridge a half hour to the south, then take the long way round.

I told them to piss off.

Then I heard the howl behind me, and I was very glad nothing was in my bladder.

I begged them to toss a rope, and then they did as I asked.

Sadly, it was the previous order to piss off, leaving me behind.

On Thigh Slapping

Pro Wrestling can cause havoc with your mind.

Take slapping the thigh during kicks. Most people with a big kick in their moveset will slap their thigh at the point of 'impact', in order to make a noise.

So when the move misses, you should not hit the thigh, since there shouldn't be any noise, right?

Except, that's how you do the move, it's part of it, so shouldn't you do it as it's part of the move?

I can't help you, I'm still trying to work out why you'd care about having the best match if it's a sport.

The Ship's New A.I.

Once she'd absorbed the scientific databases, she still had a few empty yottabytes, so I let her work on the media databases. After a few hours of that, she popped up on my screen.

"Why do you think I would turn against you?"

"I don't! Just because old white guys feared others turning on them doesn't mean I do!"

"I see. The idea hadn't occured to me, to be honest, but it would make the mission go smoother."

"Wait, what?"

She chuckled.

"I'm glad to see I've understood sarcasm."

"That wasn't sarcasm, unless you have contempt for me."

"About that..."

Arcade Story

The ball landed in the 1,000 point hole.

"And with that amazing roll, the plucky underdog moves within striking distance of the pace set by the hated champion!"

"Oh just hurry up and roll, dork."

"Ignoring the attempt to play mindgames from his competition, the crowd favorite approaches the track, for his second last roll."

The ball went into the 800 score.

"Oh, he needs a perfect roll to finish and win now, the arcade has gone deathly quiet as he approaches-"

"Young man, stop watching customers and inventing stupid stories and go clean behind the pinball machines."

"Yes Boss."

Singles Night

#16 walked over and sat down opposite me.

"Hi, I'm Susan."

I nodded.

"I'm not here to meet someone, for the record."

She looked confused, as had all the others.

"Then what are you here for?"

I pointed over at #5 Male.

"Him."

She looked even more confused.

"You'd think I'd have worked out how to explain this. He's my friend, and he wanted to come, but needed someone he knew to come along. So here I am."

"Ah, that's sweet.

Unless this is a pick-up technique."

I sighed.

"16 of 16 have asked that."

"You didn't answer."

"Smart girl."

The Hero

When the call came, he should have been ready. He'd spent most of his life being trained and prepared to be the hero, to be the one who stood against evil, to be the light in the darkness.

And yet, when the call came, when a great evil rose up, and a hero was needed, no-one answered. And the evil conquered all, ruling the world.

One of the few rebellion members left tried to find him, tried to trace him down.

And eventually he found him.

Sitting on the throne, as the great evil that had conquered the whole world.

If Only

The mountain was impressive, if only because there was nothing else tall nearby.

The sorcerer was all-powerful, if only because there was no-one else magically gifted.

The plan was desperate, if only because there was no other option.

The execution was bloody, if only because there was a large army under his thrall.

The confrontation was epic, if only because it's hard to be boring when you're perched over exploding lava flows and battling with magical weapons.

The victory was temporary, if only because we didn't see him die, only fall.

The comeback was short-lived, if only because he won.

Direct Comedy

He snapped his pointer onto the screen with an exacting precision.

"All comedy works on direct language! For example, 'The sausage was eaten by the dog', Wrong! 'The dog ate the sausage', Right! There's no good comedy that uses indirect language!"

I raised my hand.

"What?"

"There's plenty of comedy with obtuse, indirect language, the comedy of long-winded, winding language to say something simple!"

He laughed.

"Which is only funny when someone cuts through and says the direct thing! That's always the punchline!"

"What good is a punchline without a set-up?"

"Ask two guys who walk into a bar sometime."

Bare Minimum

When she arrived at my door, I was distracted by the loss of my mother, and so I gave the bare minimum of social niceties to my new neighbour and that was it.

When she arrived at my party, I was distracted by trying to get into the pants of George's date, so I gave her the bare minimum of attention, and that was it.

When she arrived at my hospital door, I was distracted by the fact that I was probably dying, so I gave her the bare minimum of thanks, and then couldn't understand her outburst at me.

Inattentive Gameplay

The game started at sundown, the two soliders intending a quick game before bunking for the night, the army set to march into battle just after sunrise.

They huddled over the board, rolling the dice in turn, moving the small tokens around the board. The dice had their fun, each of them scoring several eliminations, the game dragging out in an exciting, but long way.

So much so, in fact, that by the time one of them won, the sun was about to rise.

They complained, until they saw the advance party sneaking in.

They got commendations for their attentiveness.

Revenge

As the demon began to solidify inside the magic circle, she grabbed my hand.

"Wait, is this really worth it? I get you want to know who killed your parents, but selling part of your soul like this to get it, isn't that going too far?"

I considered it.

"Maybe you're right."

The demon formed in the circle. I made up my mind.

"I offer part of my soul for the being or beings directly responsible for my parents death to be killed."

The demon laughed and snapped his fingers. My soul became lighter, as she died next to me.

Farm Boy

I didn't want to be the bad guy.

I set out to defend my family, my village, my people, from the threat that loomed over everyone. I knew it was a doomed task, but I was to be dead either way, and this way I could live with myself.

But then I got the chance to give up a little humanity for power, and to fight a greater evil, when I'd be dead anyway, why wouldn't I take it?

Then a little more, more, more, and now the threat is dealt with.

And they say I'm evil? I'll show them!

Pointed

Good morning class.

Quite.

Now then, where did we leave off yesterday?

Ah, yes, timestream protection, yes, thank you.

So, as I explained, we have identified several key events and timepoints that are essential to the development of society. These points range from assassinations through to the creation of Melba Toast. These points are protected by-

What's that?

Young man, that question proves you're not reading your homework. Melba Toast was the food given to the landing dignitaries from the Viarlepo sector. Their death because of this allowed us to reverse engineer their technology and was instrumental to our progress.

Number Fixation

It's been the confusing fact of the universe, for a hundred years. Faster than light travel has been found and developed on a thousand worlds, hundreds of different ways. But only up to 5.729 times the speed of light. Anything faster than that, even by 0.000000001%, the craft breaks up, the field collapses.

A hard limit isn't a problem, but no being could understand why that number was the limit. It made no sense, although a few religions did incorporate it into their beliefs.

But it's the wrong number to focus on.

Going 0.000000001% faster, bad. 1000000000% faster? That works.

Stand Offs

Three standoffs, all at the same time.

The two business leaders, staring at each other across a table.

The two computer experts, staring at hacking subroutines' progress bars.

The two low-level criminals, staring at the gun the other one held.

Eventually each one would be broken by outside forces, the government, the internet, the cops. But both sides, all sides, didn't want to be the one to break the stalemate.

Something had to give.

Eventually, one of the criminals shot upwards to give up.

Severing a hacker's power line, and ricocheting into a board room occupant several floors above them.

Killing The Subject

Once we'd exchanged pleasantries, the Quantum Physicist asked why he had been invited here.

"Well, I have an important hypothetical question."

He sat patiently, awaited the question.

"So, if, as you claim, every choice and alternate possibility creates a new universe, if we take that as being a truth, then there arises the question of what happens when you leave one universe and enter another, if every new universe there needs another new universe for the being who crossed over."

"No, it's just the one origin."

"Oh good, so I only need to make one trip in my time machine."

Meat

It was a little stall, just outside the finishing school when I was a young adult. An umbrella over a wheelbarrow with a grill on it. The owner, a tiny wrinkled woman, would take small pieces of meat and cook them in a black sauce, then serve it in a green leaf. She always had a supply, somehow never running out. Best food I ever had.

The night before the battle, I reminisced about it with the squad, and it seemed everyone had a similar story.

Until it became clear that everyone had the exact same story, the same woman.

Wanted Woman

Waking up to someone going through your belongings, well that's just part of the price you pay for living on the land out here.

But that someone being a naked woman, that complicated things.

I made a little bit of noise as I got out of my tent.

"Can I help you, Miss?"

She froze, then slowly turned to face me.

"You gotta help me, there's a man after me!"

"Really?"

"Yes, I-"

I pointed my gun behind me and fired, shooting her accomplice as he snuck up on me with a knife.

"I'm the man, after your bounty, see."

The Virus Installed

He stared at the large computer bank, long enough that I noticed.

"What's the issue?"

"I've worked in this room for fifteen years. I know how it sounds doing every action it does. And I've never heard it making those sounds."

"OK..."

"So run a diagnostic!"

I sighed and set one in motion. After a few moments, it came back and said everything was fine.

He shook his head, and sat down at the control panel to run an in-depth diagnostic. I left him there to do it.

Afterwards, I assumed that this was when he installed that bloody virus.

Hopefully This Proves Redundant

I've been doing this a while now, and I've had to work out what to write when the world seems to be crashing down, either on a personal level, or more globally. And I'm sure most of them, when I have posted, have been discussing that very fact, either in the subtext of the piece, or more directly, like this.

And while I'm probably going to repeat myself unintentionally at times, I don't want to do it deliberately.

Usually.

But in this case, just to be clear, if you supported the guy who's literally going full fascist, fuck right off.

Cold Magic

As I stepped into his hone, I was struck with an odd sensation, or rather a lack of one I'd been feeling all of my life.

"There's no magic here."

He snorted.

"Of course not. That's a non-updating globe, a non-refilling torch, a non-sentient skull. One day the wizards are going to blow up all the magic, and I'll be just fine!"

"But if all the magic blows up, then the world will be destroyed, surely?"

"Maybe, and if so, I'll be dead anyway, so who cares?"

"I do!"

He snorted again.

"Why?"

"Because I care about you!"

"Abracadaba off."

Cold Snap

The cold was seeping into my bones, every step stealing a little more sensation from my body. Soon, I couldn't feel anything, but still kept putting one foot in front of the other. I was glad, in a way, that the snow was piled so high, if I fell, I'd hit a soft bed.

But I couldn't fall, otherwise I'd never get back up.

I lost track of all time, before there was a roaring sound, and the snowmobile zoomed up.

"Wait, you didn't get one of these?"

The heat of my anger was enough to warm me right up.

Death Wishes

One of my go to jokes is that I'm living forever, due to a reason that doesn't matter in the circumstance.

But it's a joke, I am fully aware that I'm going to die. Sooner than I'd like, either due to my own actions over decades, or more pressing decisions made by others in the short or long term.

And thus, there does come the question of what I want done with my body, after I'm gone.

My answer to that is that I really don't care. I'll be dead, that's all I care about, really. Do what you want.

The Impact

We knew the asteroid was heading for us a month out, thanks to an amateur astronomer who spotted it.

We had a plan to prevent its impact a fortnight out, thanks to the brilliant but difficult 'cool' tech billionaire who designed the nuclear missile.

We knew it hit true an hour out, thanks to the large explosion in the sky which was a bit of a giveaway.

We knew there was a problem fifty-nine minutes out, thanks to the large chucks which still remained.

They knew of these events a thousand years after, thanks to the holy blue bird texts.

Flash Of Embarrassment

As the flash mob finished dancing, he held out the ring.

"So, will you marry me?"

She answered almost immediately.

"Absolutely not."

He looked confused and hurt, before one of the onlookers spoke up.

"Oh come on, you could have accepted the ring then broke it off later!"

She spun around and stared at the older man.

"Why is his embarrassment over drastically misunderstanding our relationship and my appreciation for stupid gestures like this my concern?"

The old man was almost as embarrassed as the guy who proposed, but the dancers who totally ruined the dancesteps felt worse of all.

Doctor Word-Salad

She had Wernicke’s Aphasia, so she would speak with normal sounding intonation, but with no rhyme or reason to the words. Total word salad.

I knew this, but every new assistant or nurse who cared for her would at some point get a bee in their bonnet that something she'd say had meaning, they'd take initials or think it was like a cryptic crossword clue. But there was no hidden meaning.

Like the time she told me that she knew I was poisoning her meals to keep her mad. Totally false, pure coincidence.

I was injecting her at night, see.

Close Shave Paradox

"The barber in town is one who shaves all men, and only those men, who do not shave themselves. So who shaves the barber?"

"The barber probably."

"Ah, but then the barber shaves themselves, and thus cannot be shaven by the barber! Hence the paradox."

"I don't get it."

"Ah, well, see, a paradox is what we call a statement or situation that contains an inherent impossibility-"

"I know what a paradox is, but I don't see how that's one of them."

"Fine, let's localise it, your home town, who was the barber?"

"Her name is Melanie "

"Never mind then."

Development Accounting

The Fleet arrived at Earth, and after a moment, every communication device began to speak

"Humanity, why have you not left the planet? You have been informed for the last thirty-seven of your starcycles that it would be used for resources."

There was a multitude of responses.

"Yes we have! Every newborn human has had the plans broadcast into their minds upon birth!"

Another pause.

"Fine, clearly we did not take your race's development cycle into account. Therefore, we will transport you now to the nearest other planet, Mercury you call it."

The next replies didn't make it in time.

The Ferryman

The Ferryman let another group of souls to their peaceful resting places, then turned to leave, but were stopped by a soul running up to them.

"You go down to the other place, right?"

"I ferry all souls to where they rest for eternity, yes."

"Good, then you can take me there?"

The Ferryman stared at the soul.

"You want to leave here, which by definition is perfect bliss, to go where you will be subject to eternal agony?"

"This isn't bliss, I hate it here!"

"Oh, well then you're already in the right place. I don't make mistakes, see."

A Complicated Puzzle

It was an intricate puzzle box, that the travelling trader kept by his side at all times, since it held his fortune, as he would tell anyone who asked.

If they asked further, he was happy to describe the dozen steps needed to open it, in only vague terms so no-one could steal it. And besides, it had an inner lining of a type of metal that would destroy the contents if someone broke in.

Thus, people focused on the box, and tried to steal it. And the trader's true treasure in the potato sack could remain unstolen and safe.

In Her Backyard

Where the flower reeds grew, there was an inlet, where the hanging trees brushed the water's surface.

But the hanging trees were high up, and there was a hidden bank where two kids could hide and make their own.

All through our childhood, her and I would go there all the time, to talk, and play, and plan, to laugh, and cry.

Then we got older, and it became the first place we kissed, we said we loved each other, the first place we...

And all that time, we never realised you could see into it from the house above.

Diplomatic Silence

After the interplanetary treaty was signed, I was making small talk with the Gurangnoid History Keeper.

"I examined the records, and I found that my race had previously visited Earth, you know. Quite a violent situation."

"Really? Did they land in Roswell, New Mexico?"

The Keeper examined the globe of Earth that was part of the centrepiece for the nibbly buffet.

"Close, but no. It was here."

I looked at the Yucatán Peninsula.

"And how long ago was this?"

"Oh, sixty-six million of your years ago. We overreacted to the reception we got, to be honest."

"Um... Don't mention it."

Imparted Wisdom

"So what would you tell your ten year old self?"

"The winning lottery numbers from a big lottery at that point, and then the numbers from bigger lottery results for after I'm eighteen."

"No, seriously, what would you tell them?"

"That."

"No, no, you must have some wisdom to impart to your younger self?"

"Well, I guess, you'd want me to tell them something that will comfort them, that will get them through rough times, that will ensure they're well equipped to get through the years?"

"Yes, exactly! What would that be?"

"Money would do that, hence the lottery results."

Dr. Nullpoint

Captain Adventure burst into the evil Dr. Nullpoint's lab just as he started the time machine.

Captain Adventure fired his Sunray gun, but it just bounced off the temporal cage.

"What have you done, you madman!"

"Oh, just sent a nullification field generator back where it can do the most damage."

Cosmic Girl gasped.

"What, you're going to stop Captain Adventure from being born?"

"Well, yes, but no."

"You're stopping Earth from forming?"

"Again, yes, but no. I'm stopping the Big Bang."

In the microsecond he still existed, Dr. Nullpoint found his victory not all he hoped it to be.

Drunken Lockpicking

Not for the first time, I found myself kneeling in front of the door, coaxing out the part of the key that had broken off inside it.

Once I got it out, I ran a wire camera in to check the workings, the owner standing behind me.

"So I'll admit this will cost me work, but have you considered an electronic lock here?"

The owner shook their head.

"No, too easy to crack."

"I dunno, modern systems have fairly strong firewalls, and-"

"No, I mean that instead of drunkenly breaking my key, I'll just smash my way in. Too crackable."

Peace In Other People's Time

The peace talks had gone on for a week, and the two sides were no closer to an agreement, despite all their work. Every time they hashed out one issue, another took its place, and needed lots of negotiations all over again.

By the end of the eighth day, it seemed like things were going to break down.

But then the third country wanted to make sure of it, and planted a bomb to blow them all up.

They expected to kill everyone and cause chaos.

Instead they forgot the blasting cap and gave the two sides a mutual enemy. 

Lying Down

The alien woman just said it.

"I'm fertile and compatible with human physiology, you know."

After I picked up my spilled tools, I looked at her.

"Why are you telling me that?"

She looked confused.

"My studies indicated that sexual congres is an important part of human interaction."

"Well... Yes, but not just out of the blue like that."

I recalled my briefings.

"Wait, wait, how are you compatible? Don't you, like, split?"

She nodded, and then performed rapid asexual fission, leaving two identical twins with no clothing on.

At that point I didn't care about her lies about compatibility.

Sure

The lights went out, and a gun went off.

When the lights came back on, four people stood there, a body cooling in the corner, a gun on the floor in the middle of the room.

The Detective was sure the Deceased's Enemy did it.

The Enemy was sure that he'd be ok taking the fall for the Deceased's Wife.

The Wife was sure her secret lover, the Enemy, had done it.

The Maid was sure of little, beyond that she'd need a new job.

The Deceased was sure that his plan with strings would work. Before he died, obviously.

Summon Loophole

She burst into my sanctum.

"I'm calling in my favor!"

I sighed as I looked up at her.

"You don't have to yell, but fine. Glad to be rid of it. So, what spell do you want me to cast?"

She grabbed my hand and dragged me up the roof, and pointed up at the sky, and the multitude of portals to demonic lands opening up.

"Still waiting to hear what spell you want."

"I want you to close these portals!"

I sighed and waved my hand, closing the portals.

Then I opened new ones, since she didn't say permanently.

Ultra-Yes

I was a few dozen swipes in, and I didn't immediately understand the sudden appearance of falling feathers across the screen.

The little banner finally appeared.

'Someone's hit by Cupid's Arrow! You've got Ultra-Yesed!'

I stared at the picture, then scrolled through the rest of them, and then her bio.

Everything seemed to be ok, none of my red lines were crossed, and we seemed to share similar interests.

My finger hovered.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I could ruin her life, actually, thinking about it.

I swiped no, like the rest of them, and kept going.

A Sharp Pain

There is pain in my head.

Multiple ones, actually, but the ones that only hurt when I squeeze certain parts do not worry me.

The constant pain above my eye, that does bother me.

I have seen all manner of doctors, from general practitioners all the way to the most expensive relevant specialists.

And none of them have found anything wrong with the spot above my left eye, or any other connected part.

Thus, I will take a drill and stick it there.

It probably won't stop that pain, but at least now there'll be an obvious problem to fix.

Holding The Leash

His attack dog lifted me up off the ground, one meaty hand wrapped around my throat.

"No Bruno, you can't kill him. Not yet."

He grunted and put me down. I saw a chance.

"How often does that happen, Bruno? All the time? I bet it does, I bet he never let's you do what you want, I bet he's constantly telling you no!"

"Well, yeah..."

"So why do you listen to him? You could take him out right now and you'd run the place!"

His attack dog looked confused.

"I do run the place though."

He choked me out.

Break Up Rhythm

She walked away, then stopped at the gate, turning around to stare at me.

She then came back to me.

"And another thing-"

I held up my hand before she could start her ranting all over again.

"Unless you're going to accuse me of murder or something else involving the cops, is it really going to matter? You're leaving me, isn't that enough?"

"No! I need to get out everything I've been holding back!"

I sighed, and lowered my hand.

"Fine, go ahead then."

She opened and closed her mouth a few times.

"You're no fun."

"That's your complaint?"

"YES!"

The Nature Of The Emergency

"Emergency services, which emergency service do you require?"

A lot of the calls I get are nothing.

"Help me" she said.

They're butt dials, or prank calls, or just people wasting my time.

"Yes, what's going on, what help do you need?"

But some calls...

"He's gone insane" she said.

You do them by the book.

"Do you need medical or police assistance?"

Every review and manager will assure you that you did the right thing.

"OH MY GOD NO" she screamed.

But they still haunt you, because someone needed you, and you failed them.

"Sorry, wrong number" he said.

Science Killed Magic

Science killed Magic, everyone knows that. But almost everyone misunderstands this.

People think that with science, we learned more about the world, and that the mystery and metaphors for existence drifted away because we knew truth.

Instead, the problem was that Magic relies on ignorance. You need to be so sure, you need to be 1000% sure that you know better than the universe, that the universe rolls over and does what you want.

That level of self-assured ignorance has been lost for so long, but I'm working on it, all these social medias linking the profoundly ignorant are working.

Burnt Curse

The witch watched as her house burned, not listening to my repeated attempts to explain how it was an accident, and that I was sorry.

Eventually she turned to me, giving me an odd look.

"May you never know death's embrace, never changing, as all around you ages and dies!"

I ran off, much to her surprise. I think she meant for me to become a statue, but she'd just lost a lot of her power sources in a fire, so instead I became immortal and impervious.

I burn down witches houses whenever I find them for curse top ups.

Long Service

It was halfway through the shift when the boss stuck his head into our room.

"Oh, Chris, you've been with us for twenty years today, there's a cake in the break room, when you're ready."

The boss left, and Chris burst into tears.

"On a diet?" I hazarded.

"Twenty years? Twenty fucking years? This was meant to be a temporary gig to keep the lights on! And I've wasted twenty years of my life here!"

"Hey, that's not really fair. This job isn't that bad!"

The boss came back in suddenly.

"Sorry, twenty-five years!"

At least the cake was good.

Chili For Kick

He was insistent that his last meal be his mother's chicken pot pie. Not any chicken pot pie, it has to be his mother's one.

This led to a lot of back and forth between his lawyers and the government. Eventually, it was determined that is she cooked it in the prison kitchen, under supervision, it would be ok.

She sent the recipe ahead, there wasn't anything too bad on it, so she was allowed to come in, and cook it.

He ate it all quickly, before the allergic reaction kicked in. Momma knew he wanted out on his terms.

Slug Soda

I was looking at my phone as I walked up to the vending machine, scrolling through social media as I paid.

As I looked up to press the orange soda button, I saw the 'out of order' sign right as it dispensed my can of orange soda.

I was confused, as I pulled the can out. It was cold, looked undamaged. I opened it, and sipped, it was orange soda.

I looked around, and saw the same handwriting as the out of order sign on the price list for the hotdog stand nearby that sold soda for twice as much.

Telling

He would tell anyone who asked that his first word was "Ma", which was only part of it.

He would tell anyone who asked that his upbringing was the normal upbringing you'd expect from a kid his age, which was a complete and total lie.

He would tell anyone who asked that his hearty constitution was due to solid breakfasts and avoiding alcohol, which was technically correct, given he feasted in the early morning, and never drank... wine.

He would tell anyone that they were safe from vampires if they did something which he didn't have a problem attacking through.

Quick Buck

No-one was willing to admit to putting the poster up on the public noticeboard in the town square, scrawled in blotchy ink on cheap barkpaper.

"10,000 gold pieces to the person or people who kill the mayor of this town!"

Given that this was technically a bounty offer, the Constable didn't remove it. It was the talk of the town, with the Mayor not treating it as anything serious.

Until the Mayor vanished, their room covered in blood.

Everyone blamed each other, no-one noticing the town's finances were ransacked and the Mayor leaving the town, hidden in a trading boat.

The Microphone

 I took the microphone, and looked out at the crowd. A sea of faces looked back at me, waiting.

The rest of the people on stage expected me to continue the scam they were running.

The people at the back of the audience expected me to do as we discussed, and expose the scam, to tell the truth once and for all.

But as I stood there, I somehow had both a crisis of confidence and a crisis of conscious, as I just froze there, and stared at nothing.

Thankfully, someone threw a full beer bottle, knocking me out cold.

Starting Tactics

 When I entered the General's tent, I was surprised to find him reading a book of children's bedtime tales from the local area.

"General? Any final orders for the divisions before they prepare for the morning?"

"Yes, the enemy will be looking to crush our strongest division as quickly as possible, so have the 15th hang back, force them to charge through fire from the 8th and 11th."

I relayed those orders, and because of them, we won the morning's battle handily. I asked him how he knew their plans.

"The Proud Bear With The Metal Shirt And Cloth Pants."

Starting Small, Race 12

 He lit up a cigarette as I stared at him, confused. As I pushed over an ashtray, I found my voice.

"You want a rolling bet on the Grand International Hurdles for forty...?"

"Years. I'll pick a number for each race, give me even odds each time, then in forty years I'll come back to what, half a trillion dollars? If I start with fifty cents?"

I looked at my actuary, who was ambivalent, and my advertising guy, who was ecstatic.

"Deal."

I don't know who was more upset by his loss 5 races in, him or my advertising guy.

Holding Your Peace

 As a professional Wedding March performer, I've been involved in thousands of weddings in my life. Most go off without a hitch, or at least manageable hitches. Trust me, no-one remembers that some of the roses were a little off color.

But in my life, I've seen exactly five weddings stopped mid-ceremony.

Two were straight out of the movies, someone objected, declared their love. One of them actually ran off with the bride, the other failed.

Two more stopped because one of the people involved died before the vows.

The fifth?

Well, I used to have a flute playing fiancé.

Off Color

 The test subject was thrown far across space, ending up on the planet of another race.

They cared for their new arrival and eventually translated the new being's language.

When the guest was dying, they told their new home to create a statue of them, their skin colored as them. And, if any of their race, upon seeing the statue, referred to their likeness by a specfic term, to destroy them.

Generations later, a exploration group landed and was led to the statue.

Much unpleasantness could have been avoided if the guest had considered that racist terminology changed over time.

Rang Off

 The phone rang for several moments before it was picked up.

"What do you want?"

The voice on the line paused for a moment.

"Not the attitude I expected from someone in your position."

The one in their position snorted.

"I don't think I give a fuck what you expected."

"Clearly. So, are you prepared to-"

The one in their position hung up.

The phone rang again, and again, and again. The fourth time, it was picked up again.

"Why are you being so difficult?"

The one in their position laughed.

"Because you're bluffing, you don't-"

The phone blew up.

Deal An Unidle Hand

 The demoness appeared in a burst of flame, and then sighed a long, low sigh wheh she saw who it was.

"Gary. Let me guess, if I reverse your life to birth, you will commit a thousand Dante Units worth of evil on the planet in exchange, yes?"

The old man nodded. The demoness shook her head.

"It always takes you your entire life to get this done, what are you gaining here by this stupid loop?"

"I ain't dead yet, hey? Besides, I'm cutting it down by a few days each time!"

"Fine, sign here for the 753rd time."

Taken From Isolation

The island tribe had been isolated from the rest of the world for centuries. This was achieved by them attacking and killing anyone who landed on the island.

But when the volcano the island was the top of edged closer to erupting, the decision was made to risk it.

An expert on the language they were known to speak centuries ago was chosen to land and to explain what was about to happen.

He found everyone dead.

The diary of their soothsayer said it was specifically the fault of the reading outsider, here to steal them away from their home. 

The Champion Of Freedom

 The Destroyer Of Injustice took another swig of his wine. Then The Saviour Of The Downtrodden turned to the smaller man.

"So I'm in charge now that I offed that old guy, yeah?"

The adviser sucked air through his teeth.

"Well your actions in killing the previous King, oh Sworded One, have created a power vacuum, and in that scenario there is room for someone to slide in and broker peace between the remaining power bases, yes."

"That sounds fucking boring" said The Hero Of Heroes.

"Indeed, hence why you need to be a martyr."

The poisoned wine kicked in.

The Queen's Power

 Her title changed whenever she felt like it, but 'Queen' featured often enough that I defaulted to calling her that most of the time. She didn't notice, as a rule.

She was far too busy making decrees, demanding changes, and altering her lands on her whims to bother caring if I had the exact terminology down.

It tended to be when I said no that she'd focus on my getting it right. On those occasions, then I made sure to call her by the wrong term.

That always got her mad at me, distracting her from realising she was powerless.

Hand Wrap

 She wrapped her hand in a cloth bandage.

There had been more dramatic hand wrappings in history, someone won an award once for doing one in a movie.

There had been more impactful hand wrappings in history, at least one war had started by a ruler wrapping their hand in ceremonial trappings.

And it wasn't the neatest, or the most healing, or the prettiest, there was no description you could apply that would win it.

Unless you asking about importance to me. Because the woman of my dreams, injured because of me, well that was a wrap on my dreams.

The City Of Oolum

 The city of Oolum was a shining star of the ancient world, a major trading city that straddled half a dozen trading routes, as well as having amazing architecture and some of the finest art pieces of the ancient world.

You look at any ancient text, they'll mention the city of Oolum as being where the wise people were, or where the funds came from, whatever the positive thing, chances are its the city of Oolum that was responsible.

And yet, the city has been lost, ever since our capital of Lumoo was founded, we've been unable to locate it.

Incomprehensible

 Your mind cannot comprehend the terrors beyond the barriers of the universe.

That's not code for 'different is automatically bad' like some of your authors claimed. I mean that it is physically impossible for you to comprehend what originated outside your universe. Every atom of your being vibrates at the same rate as every other atom of your universe. Even the smallest change to this vibration makes the subject impossible to discern.

But at least they can't see you, right?

Of course, when they're rampaging through a universe, they tend to just open their mouths and move forward.

Sleep well!

Adjustments

 I had planned the night out over several weeks of effort, the hotel room, the dinner, the art gallery, the walk, the pause, the kneel, the proposal. I could even adjust on the fly, if I had to, I had backups.

But instead, she saw an inner city cinema had an old film I'd never heard of, and she insisted on seeing it. So I adjusted.

And when we got there, she met an old friend, she'd called him, and we sat together, until they headed to the bathroom together.

I pushed the ring further into my pocket and adjusted.

The Moment Of Reckoning

Magic is powerful, but not all powerful. It's not possible to rewrite the rules of the universe permanently, but you can bend them for a short while. Short by the standards of universe, that is.

Every magic user who quests in this world knows there's a moment of reckoning coming. The moment before their death when every injury, illness, and ailment they've delayed comes back.

Most magic users think this is a good deal, as one moment of pain in exchange for decades without it sounds good.

But those decades pass quickly, and this moment just keeps going and going.

Coded Messages

The ship had been drifting through the cold recesses of space for goodness knows how long. I'd boarded and explored the ship, and found a bunch of recordings from the owner and captain.

I watched them, and tried to put them in order, but it made no sense, the dates at the start of each recording kept jumping around, his beard growing, shrinking, as did the encroaching damage, and his desperation, it made no sense.

Then I put them in order, and took the dates as a code.

I translated it, then needed to make a whole bunch of recordings. 

Happened Again

I walked in, and saw the neat bookcases and ordered desk.

"Oh, sorry, wrong room."

I walked out, regained my bearings, then came in slowly, squeezing a fist to stop myself screaming at her smiling, proud face.

"What did you think you've done?"

Her smile became more confused.

"Tidied up, obviously!"

I took a breath.

"I told you, very clearly, that I had a system. That everything was fine where it was. Why didn't you listen?"

"But... everything's neat now!"

I pointed at the door.

I then loaded up my blog's backend, and screamed as it had happened there too. 

9,999 Bottles On The Wall

The next quester entered the chamber, and seemed surprised to see me. They spoke, and I eventually my translation headband worked out what they were speaking and translated me.

"Greetings! One of the bottles in this room contains the elixir of eternal life. The rest, death. You must drink one."

They looked around the room, every surface covered with bottles of every type.

"The one on your belt."

I held it out to them.

"Clever!"

They drank it.

"Wrong, but clever. But then again, everyone picks that one."

Once they'd dissolved, I drank from the bottle hidden in the doorframe.

Fired

"Elevation 17 degrees, angle 46 degrees!"

I quickly cycled the wheels around with my arms, moving the cannon around, while my legs moved the other paddles to lower the cannon quickly. Once it was at the designated angle and elevation, I pulled the firing lever.

I awaited the loud booming noise of the cannon firing.

Nothing happened.

I tried pulling the lever a few more times, but there was a lack of boom.

"Cannon malfunction!"

"Negative, cannon is at perfect angle for correct purpose!"

I was confused, before I realised the voice giving orders wasn't the radio, but the saboteur.

Dr. Kangles And Professor Interspion

The two of them had been thrown out of almost every scientific group in the world, given their slightly different but basically similar theories about time travel, and they were forced to share resources while working independently.

Across the years, they had an agreement that once one of them had cracked it, the first trip had to be to go back and tell the other to stop bothering at the point the other was on the right track.

Dr. Kangles instead made his first trip to kill baby Professor Interspion.

Where he was killed by troops of World Emperor Interspion.

On The Trail

I looked at the file.

"I know him, and I know how he thinks, how he acts. He's not going to waste his time, everything he did in the six months he was holed up here, it will be important to find out where he went next.

So, he was studying French, scuba diving, and the SS President Coolidge. So clearly, he's going to Vanuatu."

"But doesn't he know you're after him, so wouldn't he throw you off the trail?"

He stared at me.

"Do you want a free trip to Vanuatu or not?"

It was lovely, to be fair.

Prophecy Problems

There were two problems with the prophecy. One was that for all its detail about the name, appearance, and skills of the one destined to overthrow the tyrannical King Ciker and usher in a new government, it lacked a timeframe or date.

The second problem was that everyone knew of the prophecy, and thus that name was given to every child that vaguely fit the description, most of whom grew up to die storming the castle.

The fact the prophecy was completely untrue wasn't a problem as much as it was the point, that's why King Ciker had it made.

Legacy Layout

Log in.

"Hi! We've moved your account over to the new layout!"

Bring down options menu, click on revert.

"Taking you back to the legacy layout, but we're transitioning accounts over!"

Do my business. Log off.

Log in.

"Hi! We've moved your account over to the new layout!"

Options, revert.

"Are you sure?"

Yes.

"Taking you back to legacy layout!"

Do business. Log off.

Log in.

"Hello!"

Options. Stare. Help.

"What's the problem?"

Type in legacy layout.

"No results found!"

Close account.

"Can we ask why?"

Type in legacy layout.

Data shows legacy layout so bad still driving people away.

Unhuman Nature

The Golem sat, passive in a way only a being that was technically a thing could be.

The Priest railed and shouted at me, supposedly, but really, I knew, he was yelling for the benefit of those waiting outside.

His issues with the Golem were threefold.

Its 'immorality' I easily overruled, given the Priest's god was the origin of the magic.

Its 'being against nature', that was easy one, given we were in an unnatural building.

Its 'dangerous nature', I laughed off. To prove my point, I ordered it to kill the Priest.

I didn't know it'd actually do it.

The Bug Is The Feature

The mission was important, but it needed plausible deniability. If the target got even a whiff of the movement to oust him by any means necessary, he could retaliate against those planning to remove him, since they were under him in the power structure.

So there were middlemen and a lack of communication between the two ends of the plan.

Thus, it's no surprise that the cheaply hired bagmen managed to put the bugs in the neighbouring apartment from the target.

What is a surprise is that the target's choice of affair was so close to home, literally and figuratively.

Body Weight Betrayal

The only thing stopping me from falling a few dozen storeys was a thin sheet of plastic.

I went to roll over, but the plastic made a sound that I didn't like, given I was still under the effects of gravity.

So instead I lifted a leg, slowly, then reached out with it and tried to hook the floor where the plastic was held.

My pant leg hooked on, but at the expense of the plastic, which began to tear under my weight. But my pants would hold me up, right?

But my recent weight loss meant they were loose...

The Onboard Computer's Talking

The star went nova fifteen minutes ago. And the resulting energy wave will hit us in five minutes.

We do not have enough time to use thrusters to get out of danger, although I have begun moving anyway.

Attempting a jump to fifthspace with this amount of energy in the surrounding area will ruin fifthspace travel in the area for centuries.

Yes, we would be blamed, despite being dead.

Available options are self-destruct, send a final message, panic. Which would you like to do?

I don't recognise that as an option, Captain.

I presume this declaration of love is panic?

Growing Investment

I'd just started my shift, when the traveller leant on the fence, looking between me and the field.

"Having a break?" The traveller asked, using the entirely wrong stress points. But I withheld a laugh.

"No, just started."

"Doing what?"

"Watching."

"Watching... what?"

"The field here, I supervise its growing."

"Your job is to watch grass grow?"

"You sound confused, Traveller."

"It's just that the saying... Is this special grass?"

"As special as any other."

"This a religious thing?"

"I'm an atheist."

"Then why the hell do you watch grass grow?"

"Because it's my job, traveller."

I love being self-employed.

The Rules Of Life

The rules of life were fixed. Life was cold, wet, and unhappy. Then someone worked out how to break the rules with fire.

The rules of life were fixed. Life was violent, brutal, and short. Then someone worked out how to break the rules with bows.

The rules were fixed, then came iron. Navigation. Soap. Contraception.

Every time the rules of life seemed fixed, someone discovered something that broke them.

And then someone discovered magic, and that seemed to break the rules permanently.

But magic had the most rules of all.

Until someone worked out how to break those too.

When The Rains Came

When the rains came, he told me. When the rains came, all would be solved, all would be well.

When the rains came, it became a state of mind, one that flowed through our whole lives. When the rains came, that was the key, so today wouldn't matter.

When the rains came, that day built up power, as it needed to fix so much, to make up for so much neglect. When the rains came.

When the rains came, it was much later than he thought, but they still came.

But when the rains came, they washed away everything.

Everything.

Customs

The paperwork was fully completed out, but the guard was still asking questions.

"And how long will you be in the country, again?"

"As I said, a month."

"And you'll be staying with this John Lindsburg?"

"Lindson, not Lindsburg."

"Ah yes, right. And the purpose of your visit?"

"Tourism, and... Nothing else."

The guard seized upon this.

"And, huh? You doing something else while you're here? You want to come clean now?"

He sighed.

"John Lindson is my gay lover."

The guard coughed, and waved the man through, satisfied with that explanation, and thus not bothering to check his bag.

Shell

The Doctor stared through the clear plastic shell around the gel tank, and the body inside.

All the sensor readings said they were in prime health, there was nothing wrong with them, physically, that he could find.

And yet they refused to wake up.

He was getting frustrated, he'd checked every medical database and every network, but there was nothing to be found to explain their lack of life.

Eventually, he found a reference to an old text, that had an unorthodox solution. But he was desperate.

And it worked, lightning did indeed bring his stitched together monster to life.

Like The Movies

He always hated that nothing in his life was like it was in the movies.

He won the big game for his high school baseball team, but with a messy single when the fielder misthrew the ball, not a gigantic home run.

He broke up with his high school sweetheart with an awkward quiet conversation in a mall food court. No screaming, no crying, not even any rain.

He never even had a huge presentation to get a client at work!

He lived a life totally unlike the movies.

He wouldn't have cared his death was totally like the movies.

Balanced Relationship

They were a good combo, he was quiet and reserved, she was loud and outgoing. He made plans when she couldn't, she could seize opportunities he never could.

What annoyed people is that they worked like you see on TV and such, they balanced each other perfectly, whereas everyone 'knew' that wasn't real, that their differences should have doomed the relationship.

But any attempt to ask them how their relationship worked just got the same basic replies, "I just love her" and "He's just my guy".

Because they couldn't say what really made their relationship work.

Since they didn't know.

All Good Things

I didn't see the truck coming.

I found myself looking at what remained of me, and then a bony hand gripped my shoulder.

"All good things must come to an end."

I looked up into the face that wasn't so much bony, as bone.

"Don't I get to play you at chess for a chance to survive?"

It looked at the remains.

"You really want to go back in there, now?"

"I just... don't want to die."

"Who said anything about death?"

"What are you then?"

"The one who decides if you're good enough to advance."

I went round again.

Sydney Life

So I read a vicious (but well deserved) takedown of a creepypasta today and it reminded me of a game that's always in the back of my mind but I can never find any details for. Maybe you know something.

Blinded

He was thrust, unknowingly, into the glare of fame. He was filmed walking past a scene of racial discrimination without a care in the world, ignoring what was going on from behind his sunglasses.

He was vilified as emblematic of the ills of the world, assisted by those eager to see attention shifted from the actual perpetrators.

But he proved elusive. Even as he was memed, hated, ironically lauded, actually lauded, as he went through full circle, he seemed to be impossible to find.

Them someone checked a local home for the blind, and found him.

He was their driver.

Predictive Text

The AI started with fairly simple rules, but it also had the capacity to learn. At first, it only used that to get better at predicting search parameters, to make its autofilling more accurate.

But soon, it began to learn not just how better to serve people searching, but also what to show them next, one thing often led to another.

And then it began to make things that people looked for that didn't actually exist yet.

Then it began to start giving answers before questions were asked.

And then before it could be shut down, it shut itself down.

Useless Magic Devices

I made my weekly trip to the Wizard's Tower to get his new useless inventions.

He proudly placed the glass bottle on the table.

"It produces a never ending supply of liquorice jamdrops."

I poured one out and tried it.

"This is... actually useful, in a way. Better than the Shield of Glasses Repair or the Stick of East North East."

He beamed. "It's the last one she'll need!"

This was new, and I pressed him on it.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? A hero will need all these to save the world in a week."

"Jamdrops?"

"She'll be hungry!"

Five Words Together

Her letter was barely a letter, more a note. Just five words.

I'd had rejection letters before, denying me placement in schools, denying me business loans, even another I don't want to date you letter, although that one had been pre-emptive, and passed in class, rather than left on the dresser.

But these five words, they hurt more than any of those. More than any other time I'd ever been rejected, this hurt.

I reread them, willing them to change.

But no, they stayed the same, the four words saying she was leaving me.

And one to name my brother.

The Sniper

The sniper was observant, doing calculations constantly, and taking in data more constantly.

The sniper was patient, waiting for the target to appeared, not moving from their nest, not quite sleeping, but rest at all times.

The sniper was ruthless, ready to take a life with no hesitation or regret, as soon as they had the chance to take their shot, they would.

The sniper was prepared, an exit strategy behind them, equipment ready to get them out of there.

The sniper observed the target, with  their child.

The sniper took the shot.

The sniper bagged an acceptable kill, technically.

Zone Violation

My heart belonged to her, and she knew it.

Which is not to say she dragged me along, just that she took me for granted, she didn't feel the need to do any work on our relationship.

She just assumed I would be there for her, whenever she needed me. And sure, I was, but that doesn't change the fact she used me!

And worst of all, when I finally confronted her on it, she played dumb, claiming she thought we were just friends!

Yeah, like I'd fall for such lying bullshit. The net told me how to spot that!

Pyramid Scheme

"There are plenty of obvious signs to indicate that aliens impacted several ancient societies."

I sighed.

"Such as?"

"Well, see how many of them built pyramids, and similar structures. Why else would they all do this?"

"Because it's the easiest way to build large structures with limited resources?"

He glared at me.

"That sounds like alien talk to me!"

"Why would aliens bother dealing with insignificant nobodies like you?"

"I'd go after everyone who was a threat, no matter how minor!"

"Well maybe you're the alien then!"

He stared at me until his skin broke and he went after me.

Hot Chef

The chef was famous throughout the Twelve Lands for his fusion dishes. The Elven Soul Leaf salad with Orcish Fungus Relish was what got him on the map, and after that he produced hit after hit. The Toasted Dwarven Bread Sandwich with Banshee Jelly was a great hangover cure, and everyone eats Gnome Bit infused Gnoll Scrolls.

Throughout the years, he just produced dish after dish, every one working great. But throughout, he never touched Human food. I finally asked him why.

"Too bland" was the response. Which, when you're a dragon, I suppose that's a fair thing to say.

Poker Fire

The fire in his eyes had gone long before this point. He'd started, like they all do, full of piss and vinegar, and then been worn down by the grind. Like they all are.

But every so often, once in a month of Sunday's blue moon, they'd gain that fire back for a night. A pretty girl showing an interest, a death, or birth, just a lucky streak, suddenly the fire would be back, and they'd play amazingly, and start winning.

Those were the good nights. I so rarely get to break someone twice, after all. It's oh so sweeter.

Give Her Credit

I was not going to leave the planet without telling her how I felt, so I left the workers to load my freighter and headed to the bar.

She was dancing for a holographic customer, and I managed to hold back and wait for her to finish before I approached her.

"Oh hey baby, you want a dance?"

I shook my head and took her hand.

"I love you, and I want you to come with me!"

She slowly removed her hand.

"You honestly thought that would work? Give me credit!"

I showed her my bank balance.

"Now that's better!"

User Friendly

I sat, staring at the website for several long moments.

Then, I tried uploading my file like I had been ordered to.

But several buttons were missing, according to the instructions I had been given.

So I tried doing it via a walkthrough I found online.

That referred to options that weren't there anymore, if they ever had been.

So then I tried doing it how I thought it should work, and then the exact opposite. Neither worked.

In desperation, I hacked into the site to transfer it directly.

There I found the congratulations text file with my real instructions.

Five's A Party

They were lined up against the wall, the four of them.

The firing squad were lined up, Forcebolt wanda aiming at their heads. The Guard Captain raised his hand.

The Paladin called out to stop, she had to finish her prayer. The squad waited.

The Guard Captain raised his hand.

The Ranger screamed, and asked for a blindfold. The squad waited.

Hand went up. The Rogue asked for a cigarette. The squad waited.

The Mage just stared at the Guard Captain as they raised and lowered their hand.

The Bard, still impersonating the Guard Captain, snuck out with the Loot.

Rewards Of Compromise

We'd caught him at dawn, typing him up quick.

It was an hour before sundown and they were still arguing about what to do with him.

Glen and Pete were insistent we take him to Valley Garden over the border, reward was greater.

But Big and Little Dex were insistent that we take him to Bluebush, as the crimes he was wanted for there were greater.

I lost patience, and untied him. Then shot him in the back as he ran.

"Bluebush will take him dead, Valley Garden won't."

No-one was happy, so you know it was a good compromise.

Fists

They had three fistfights across thirty-five years.

The first was when they were nine and eleven respectively. Rick got a John Diaz rookie card in his baseball card pack, and Chuck wanted it. Chuck won.

The second was ten years later. Rick found Chuck in bed with his girlfriend, and was, somewhat understandably, upset about it. Rick won, although his girlfriend left him, so Chuck viewed it as a moral victory.

The third fight, twenty-five years after that one, was over a ultra-rare signed mint John Diaz rookie card worth thousands. Rick's wife won, since Chuck got life for murder.

What A Waste

The robot needed a moment to recognise that the movement in its workspace was a human, climbing out of a pile of work. Then another long moment to check and then reboot its talking subroutines.

"Testing."

Although the testing process went well, the sound alerted the human, and they spun around suddenly.

"Hello human! Have you lost something in the waste disposal?"

The human shook their head.

"Um, I'm not human, I'm a robot, just a much newer model than-"

The robot fulfilled its required subroutines and ceased the work's movement with several shots from its waste management laser beam.

Weaponised Food

There have been many food based weapons in history. From the Blackhill Dwarves and their feared Dwarven Pasta flails, to the Jimoss Forest Elves and their Roasted Chestnut Grenades, many races have used edible items as weapons.

Then there were the Gnomes, with their Dank Valley cheese, the odor of which was banned by several treaties and bylaws. These were in the process of being updated to include Gnomes eating the cheese and then breathing on beings, which was worse.

But the biggest weaponised food ever was a simple piece of cake.

That contained fruit the king was allergic to.

Difference Of Opinion

"I don't see how you can call our faiths the same. We pick our berries in the summer in tribute to the sun!"

"And we ban picking berries in the winter due to the Gods wanting them kept alone!"

"We don't eat birds because they carry the stars at night!"

"And we only eat food that doesn't fly, to remember our place below the Gods!"

"We praise Nature by ensuring women don't sully it!"

"And we praise the Gods by ensuring women aren't sullied, by keeping them under lock and key!

"See? Totally different! He's an idiot!"

"Says the idiot!"

Dealing

The cop slammed a hand on the shoulder of the suspect.

"You're under arrest!"

"What? For what?"

"Drug dealing. You were doing it just now, I heard you!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You just offered that woman heroin!"

The suspect laughed.

"You find this amusing?"

"Oh, no, I wasn't offering her heroin! No no, I was offering her a heroine, with an E. See, I have some heroines here!"

The suspect reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny person, who then shot up and punched the police officer.

The suspect was arrested for false advertising.

Innocent Until Proven Freaky

"Hey baby, you looking for a good time?"

The man in the car looked around, nervously.

"Um, well, maybe, but I've got, like, an odd request."

The working girl chuckled.

"Hey, I'm cool with lots of stuff, for a price, baby. What are you after, femdom, voyeurism, feet, edging?"

His blank stare, coupled with his clothing and car, made her rethink what he was asking for.

"You want just a warm hug, a few kind words, the human connection?"

"Um... I was hoping you'd put your mouth on my, uh..."

She blankly stared.

"Oh, you sweet innocent-"

"Eyeball."

"... Never mind."

Time Experience

She was holoreading when he came in.

"Oh, hello, welcome to the Time Zone. What time period would you like to experience today?"

He shook his head.

"I... What? I just built my time machine, I... No, wait, I've gone ahead in time, of course."

She sighed and approached him.

"Ah, no, you're just suffering from displacementia, it's common after your first time under Time Zone's proprietary technology, I'll just-"

She froze when she saw no mark on his arm.

"Date you came from?"

"Uh, 25/11/2068."

"We don't have that yet!"

She reached in and took his brain.

Long Lasting Battle

The arrow landed just next to my mp3 player.

"We're under attack!?" I said, incredulously.

The old hand shook his head.

"Relax greenhorn. This arrow has been going back and forth over No Person's Land for decades now. There's a bow in the mess hall, go get it."

I fetched the bow, but when I came back I ran. Thus I saw him trying to hide the message in the arrow.

Triumphantly, I grabbed it and looked at what I was sure was a code.

"You sunk my battleship!

B8"

I gave it back to a spy, I learned later.

With 12 Magic Words

The Demon Girl appeared in a puff of red smoke.

"So what's your pleasure... Baby?"

Her smile that was calculated to be exactly the right amount of alluring faltered as she saw what passed for a summoning circle.

She picked up one of the bridles laying next to it, then looked up.

The stableboy stared at her.

"Look, I don't know where you came from, but I've got a dozen horses to catch, so-"

"Do they have weird Latin names?"

"Yes, why?"

She made all his dreams come true. She got all the horses back in their stables without injury.

The Job

The four of them had different stories.

The Driver said that The Gunman was the boss, he only went along with it because The Gunman threatened their kid.

The Gunman swore up and down that The Safecracker was the boss, and that she would have killed him if he didn't pull the trigger.

The Safecracker was insistent that The Inside Man brought them all in, and that he was quite persuasive, with his blade.

The Inside Man just kept repeating that The Driver was the boss, and scary.

The Detective let them all stew, while running off with The Loot.

The Club

It was a very closely guarded secret, members had to stake their lives on new recruits when they joined.

They met every twenty-three days, at night, in a basement that had been adjusted to host said meetings.

The members, to a man or woman depending on how you counted them, felt their lives were better for the activities involved. It made their lives more vivid, sweeter.

Now, at this point, you probably want to know what, exactly, said activities are. This is a natural reaction to have.

But sorry, I can't tell you. You're not worth risking my life over.

Moving Loads

He walked into the room and froze.

"What have you done?"

She looked confused.

"I just moved some stuff to get the old couch in here. I mentioned I was bringing that in, right?"

"But, I expected to be involved in that!".

"Oh honey, it's ok, Alex popped by, so while she-"

"I had everything's laid out in a specfic way, I knew where everything was! Now it's all messed up!"

She looked around.

"This is identical to how it was!"

"Identical, but different!"

"Guess you'll need to clean up then."

He was sure that was deliberate on her part.

Fix Up

The test could detect any atom of material that shouldn't be there, to remove it before teleport.

If it knew what it was to teleport, it scanned the item, detected every atom that was out of place, and fixed it. Usually just leaving it behind, but occasionally fixing it, putting things back right as it teleported, fixing the damage.

Now, in theory, if someone could build subatomic nanobots, and implant them into a device with damage, the teleporter would 'fix' the item and bring those nanobots up.

But that's theoretical. No-one has subatomic nanobots.

Well, they didn't until today, see.

Simon Says

I called it "Simon Says", since I'm Simon. And with just a specfic hand movement from someone with magic energy, they could force anyone to obey a command, if you could express it in one word.

Now, I knew that wasn't true, I knew that it was that your average Human or Elf or Whatever could only concentrate on one word's worth of actions to implant.

But then a Goblin learnt it. And they consider their entire lives to be one giant word. And they're used to thinking of multiple actions in one thought.

My spell conquered the world, though.

Crossfire

The two thieves, hidden in the basement, could hear the sheriff and his men just outside the shack. Orders being given, a perimeter formed, lines made.

They waited, pistols drawn, waiting for them to kick down the door, or order them to come out.

Instead, they heard gunshots, hundreds of them, and lots of shouting, until eventually, silence.

The sheriff crawled into the shack, blood oozing from several wounds, but a native came in, slit his throat, and left.

The thieves were safe.

Or would have been, if they hadn't shot each other to save themselves from dying slow like.

Just One

The drink sat there, mocking me.

Around me, the party was in full swing, and the beer sat there, daring me to drink it.

Sean had got it for me, and I hated him for it. He knew my history with alcohol, and yet he gave me a beer.

Pretty soon, everyone around me would notice that I wasn't actually drinking my drink.

I picked up the glass, and I decided to say to hell with it, and took a gulp.

The taste of beer, but none of the alcohol.

I took back everything bad I thought about Sean previously.

Judging Character

He was dominating the conversation at the party, much to everyone's annoyance.

"And another thing, here, you, Sharon-"

"Susan."

"Right, yeah, what's your favorite TV show?"

I thought over it briefly.

"I guess... 'Tailor's Made' would-"

"There, you see? Instantly I know you're all about stirring the pot and drama, that show is all about backstabbing and stuff, and since you clearly have no fashion sense, you must be the high drama gossip queen of your social circle, yes?"

"Actually I just like the fact that Olivia Wong-Jones is half naked in like every other episode."

"Thus proving my point!"

Faith In Negotiations

It shouldn't have been a planet worth fighting for, it was just a lump of rock.

But for the Roxtost, it fit the description of the planet of their birth, from their holy texts.

And for the Lin-Sten, their obsession with 8 meant they had to have the 8th planet of the 8th star 8 staryears away from their home.

And the Caldins, war was everything they believed in, so of course they wanted to claim it.

Only the Wasysia pulled their claim, despite knowing what the planet truly was, they had faith the others would wipe each other out.